Chapter one

A tear rolled down on my face. "You don't have to stay, you can go with us! Please!" I cried pushing my palm against his chest gently. He seemed to be so calm, although I knew that inside he was destroyed, destroyed by pain and fear, but it didn't make it any better.

I was desperate, I didn't know what to do or how to act. We were in war…again. You know, the book is closed and then everyone has a comforting feeling that everything is going to be all right, but the truth is, it's not always that bright as it seems to be.

It began with small revolutions of old deatheatrs who weren't imprisorned and with some relatives of those who were. They were not worth mentioning. Afterwards, they became stronger and stronger and I had a feeling like a I have used the time-turner and got myself 8 years back, the only thing which didn't fit in this strange nightmare was that I wasn't the young 17-year old girl with power to beat the evil anymore.

I have lost some of the energy I used to have, I know it seems like a 60-year old lady wrote it , but it's truth. I'm tired, tired of worrying as it has been so much stress in the last 3 years.

Yes, it has been going on for 3 years now. Of course, not so intensive for the whole time, but it has been 3 years since the first „stronger" „demonstration" or how to call the incident when a bunch of people in black clothes and silly masks (which they think can hide their identity – or their behaving?) meet in streets to kill young couples in streets, whole families

– whole families except that one last member for whom (as they know) living doesn't have a sense anymore and they actually wish to die, wish to protect their family or at least, when they can't, hopefully meet them in the heavan.

These people don't find joy in killing people, they find joy in killing happiness.

Of course, there are some people among them with sad destiny, there are children of some deatheaters who went to Azkaban and died in a few days – yes, they were able to kill hundreds of people, but they weren't able to survive with memories of wishes of their victims to save their children, grandmas, grandpas, lovers, wives…in front of their faces.

They probably weren't heartloss, but they weren't strong enough to do anything against the dark Lord either. Maybe because of fear for their family, or maybe because of fear of their own death. Still, those destinies cannot apologize such acts.

Yes, I am desperate and tired of worrying, but not for my life. I am desperately worried for life of my lover – Severus, and God, for death feared for my little Jordan, the sunshine of my life. It has been two years after the battle excatly, when I have first met Severus after getting the thoughts of his there in Hogwarts.

He hasn't died, thanks to Neville to whom I told about him and his situation and who was so brave to almost lose his own life to get Madame Pomfrey to Severus and try to help him.

I was actually supposed to be engaged that time – with Ron, of course. Both families – mine and his were expecting to get married any time soon at that time, as we have been together too long in their eyes for not to move our relationship forward.

And of course, they were trying to push us in the marriage as they couldn't stand being without grandchildren so long. Or at least – Mrs. Wealsey was, as all of Ron's siblings seemed to try to catch what they have lost in the past years so having children or getting married was the last thing they have been thinking of.

Actually, it wouldn't be complete truth that no of his sibling didn't want to have children soon, Bill and Fleur did. However, they have been trying for a baby even during the last year of the war, as they said „there is never ideal time to have children", but they haven't been succesful for quite a long time.

It made Fleur very unhappy, so a year after winning the battle, they decided to take a break from everything for some time and try to have a family later. So they ended up as all other Weasley siblings travelling, discovering new places, new cultures and enjoying the World as it was, at least for some time.

So when it came to grandchildren, Mrs. Weasley was hoping that me and Ron could be the first to give her one.

On the other hand, I understand why she thought so, Ron was the only one from the seven children who was trying to focus on his job in the Ministry of Magic after the War. When Voldemort was finally defeated, everyone was trying to get as much as posibble from the life.

It is understandable, Voldemort was gone and you have survived. Your family has survived or at least a part of it. You had a strong need to experience something, something new, something exceting…and something out of work.

The Wizarding world has gone crazy, there were only a few people who realized what it could mean for our world if we wouldn't continue in living how we have before the war.

There were many things to repair. Voldemort was gone, but he has left us a lot of memories and I don't mean just the sorrow. The whole Wizarding World needed to be restored. However, not all the poeple seemed to understand that so it ended up that not all of the death eaters who vere supposed to be caught and put into Azkaban really were.

Harry was trying his best as well, but it takes much more people to do such a great thing and besides, he was very exhausted as well. For the first time in 17 years, he could walk the streets without a worry there would be a bunch of people out there trying to get him.

O.K., that isn't actually truth, as there were still some crazy death eaters trying to revenge, however, it wasn't that intensive kind of stress for him anymore.

He could finally enjoy being with Ginny and try to bring the World to her feet – and he almost did so! Really! I think, he wanted to catch all the moments he has lost when they two were seperated while me and Ron were together.

It is a paradox, as it didn't take even a year for me and Ron to realize that it wasn't a real love between us. Of course, it was some kind sensibility – for sure, but it wasn't love.

We were both lost in our lives – who wouldn't be? But we couldn't live the life together, I am happy we have realized it at the same time, so although it wasn't hurtless, we were able to save our friendship afterwards, which isn't very common among ex-lovers.

So Harry was in love with Ginny and was able to fullfil all of her dreams and wishes while was still working next to it try to do his best.

All right, I picture it very very dark, it wasn't that bad with the wizarding World that time, there were still quite many people trying to restore the World, but still it wasn't enough and it was clear there were some wholes in the Wizarding World which could be quite easily broken by people, who wanted to punch our society again. Just noone really expected or at least didn't want to believe, that something like that could happen.

I didn't.

I wasn't strong enough to do.

It was actually the anniversary of the end of the battle when I have met Severus after such a long time. He wanted to be alone for some time, which I understood after all what has happened, and beside that – it's still Severus, he doesn't enjoy being in society much, so it was no surprise I haven't seen him for a long time. He was staying in the other corner of the room to which people came to celebrate and get drunk together after some of the encouraging speeches.

I wasn't very in the mood to listen to anyone telling me that after we fall we can get up so easily, we just need the hope and will. I didn't believe in that rubbish at tgat moment, I have broken up with Ron two motnhs ago and was confused.

I wasn't sad because of doing that, I knew it was a good step which could finally move me forward, as we both knew that our realiton ship isn't leading us anywhere, I was simply confused of not knowing where to lead my own life now. The War was over, mission finished.

I was trying to focus on my work as Ron did and it seemed to work for him, as I know he did as well as a kind of distraction, life was hard after the War. It's not like drub and say it's gone, the pain of losing dear ones leaves slowly, like it didn't really want to leave. And work wasn't really fullfilling my life completely – surprisingly. I was good in it, I was succesful, but it wasn't enough.

I needed some else, something what Ron couldn't give me and I have known much longer time he would never able to. Although he tried.

I went through the room to the other door in hope I could find some calmer place. I have just looked to the other room from the opened door when a voice behind my back has reached me. „It's not any better there, just those who are in a bit too much good mood from all the celebrating and drinking try to find a place to rest in the company of their hopefully sober friends."

I turned back and I have faced him – Severus. His eyeas reached mine and he tried to make a small smile. I smiled back and then nodded my head and grinned a bit. „I was trying to find a calmer place, this is all too much for me right now."I have said a bit exhausted. „I am afraid, it's not going to be any better in the future years."His deep voice answered.

„Well, I mean I am not really in the mood to listen to all those speeches, it hasn't healed yet." „I wouldn't say it's just because of the whole thing is still so recent, I find it disguisting because all the people there listening to the hero speeches and nodding in understandment have nothing to do with the whole war at all. Or at least not on our side.

And now they come and say how horibble it has been for them. For them! They have no idea what it means to be in War. What it really means to fight and try and risk your life! They have no idea what it means to see all those people die without having opportunity to help them…" His voice has dimed.

I looked at him in confusion. „I am sorry, I didn't' want to bother you with my deep thoughts, too deep for such a young lady for whom the whole World still awaits…"He gave me a small nod and then turned back. „It doesn't."

„Sorry?" He turned back slowly. „You have said the whole World awaits me. It is not truth. Before the war everyone thought it would all change if we would win. That the life would be so bright and shiny as it used to but those people were wrong.

The War is over and I have no idea what I am going to do, I have lost many of my close friends, friends who were a family to me. Me and my boyfriend have found out we are not meant to be together and because of this decision my parents currently don't talk to me as they loved him probably more than I would ever be able to.

Everyone thought it would be all amazing now, but I don't see it. I don't find happiness in myself anymore and I know I was able to do so in the past…"

I have said that and then I have suddenly stopped. Severus stared at me and didn't say a word. "I am sorry, I didn't mean to say so much, you don't care about my stupid life anyway, it's just…I have been full all of these emotions and noone seems to understand it at all."

„No, now it's you being wrong. I am listening." I looked at him in complete shock. He has changed, I don't know why or how but he did. The tall black-dressed proffesor who used to bully students was different. Just by the fact he has told me so much, without any reason, withou really knowing me.

Yes, I have said a lot too, much much more than he has, but that's just because I cannot keep my mouth shut for a longer time and because of something, I cannot tell made me thing I could trust him.

That he would listen, after all he has to know in the first place what it is like to deal with such a sorrow. „Don't you want to get out of here for a while, Miss Granger?" He asked after a while, trying to ignore an old man in the room behind him singing out of tune the national hymn. I nodded and so we went out of the room.

Please review and let me know what you think about it. Wheter I should continue or not. :-)