There are so, so many reasons this had been her last resort.
"How much air do you think we have? This freezer can't be more than, what, a few cubic feet? How many cubic feet of air does a person breathe in an hour?" Castle's brain could be a great asset when he was actually focused on a task. And then there was the other 90% of the time, when he just let the damn thing off the leash.
"You're the one who said 'get in the freezer,' remember? I jammed the latch; we can pop it open if we need air."
"Yeah, if the tiger's not sitting there waiting to play whack-a-person."
"What do you want from me, Castle? I left my tiger-proof armor at home. This is the best I could do."
Silence.
"You're imagining tiger-proof armor, aren't you?"
"I'm just not sure how it would work. Does Kevlar protect against giant teeth? I mean, it could just be like a regular suit of armor, but you couldn't really chase suspects in that. Anyway, that's cheating because it's everything-proof. We need something that's, like, Kryptonite for tigers."
She lets him ramble, because if he stops distracting himself he might notice the way she's sprawled on top of him. He's curled up beneath her, sort of half on his side and half facing down, and their bodies are in contact practically from head to toe. There's no room to rearrange themselves, either, not without making things even more awkward.
She can't decide if this would be better or worse if she didn't want him.
Meanwhile, he's found another topic. "We need to stop ending up in freezers together."
They really do. "At least we won't actually freeze this time."
"Which is worse, do you think? Freezing to death or ending up as tiger food?"
"Tiger food," she replies without thinking. "Freezing was ..." She stops herself. Freezing had been peaceful. If she had to die, going in his arms might be the best way she could hope for.
Fuck, this would be so much better if she didn't want him. A little weird and gross, maybe, but at least she wouldn't be holding back tears of frustration. I can't be with him, but he's the one I want to die with. How fucked up is that? She hates her stupid baggage, her stupid PTSD, her stupid body that wants nothing more than to melt into his and just stop fighting it.
This is ridiculous. Maybe they're not getting enough air. She sits up, and slowly pushes up the lid of the freezer. The tiger is exploring the other end of the room. She takes a deep breath, and waves the door of the freezer up and down a bit to try to move some air around. Unfortunately, that attracts the attention of their feline friend, who takes a run at them. She drops the lid just in time to feel the thump of a few hundred pounds of giant cat against the walls of the freezer. She and Castle are both yelling, and she's trying to figure out what the hell they do if the freezer tips over. It scoots a few inches along the floor, but stays upright. She holds absolutely still as the tiger bats at the freezer a couple more times, then seems to lose interest and leave. She lets out the breath she's been holding and sags, covering Castle's body once again.
"This is going really well so far," Castle notes, his voice a bit more high-pitched than usual.
She's pretty rattled herself. "Esposito and Ryan are looking for us. The people who took us can't come in here without sedating the tiger, and if they do that, we have a chance against them." She's not 100% confident about that last part, but she tries to make it sound good. "We just need to sit tight."
"Oh God, don't say 'tight'," he complains. "I can't move my – anything."
She can't help it; she snickers. "Your anything will be fine," she teases, patting the closest available body part. She thinks it's a thigh. She'd fallen backwards when she dropped the freezer lid, so now she's lying mostly on her back on top of him and it's all just ludicrously awkward.
"You won't be laughing if I have to have an anythingectomy." She can't see him, but she can picture him pouting.
"Actually, I'm pretty sure I will," she replies, and imagines the pout deepening. She pats the probably-a-thigh again, then moves her hand away quickly when she's tempted to leave it there. "You'll be fine. Just a few kinks to work out," she reassures him.
"Are you offering to work out my kinks, Detective Beckett?"
Before she can stop herself, she sees it in her mind's eye: her hands all over his bare skin, making him moan with pleasure ... damn it. She swallows hard, forces herself to keep her breathing under control. It used to be a lot easier to deal with his flirting. Hell, it was easier to deal with his flirting yesterday, before she'd woken up next to him with her arm draped over his chest and forgotten for a few warm seconds that no, that's not her life, she doesn't get to do that. She'd been off-kilter about that for hours now, the handcuffs not allowing her so much as a minute to step away from him and regain her equilibrium.
It's taking her way too long to answer.
"Beckett? You OK?"
She doesn't say anything, just turns her left wrist in the cuff until she gets hold of his hand. He squeezes, and she squeezes back, and holds on.
"We'll be OK," he finally whispers. He's probably talking about the tiger.
"I know." She isn't. "It's been a rough year, Castle."
"Yeah," he agrees, squeezing her hand again. "But we're here."
She laughs. She knows what he meant, but ... "We're in a freezer, being held captive in some godforsaken basement and stalked by a tiger."
"OK, yes, on the surface that looks bad, but on the bright side, you're lying on top of me and we're handcuffed together, so I'm calling it a win."
"You're crazy," she says.
"Crazy like a tiger," he retorts. He shifts slightly beneath her, and he must have gotten an arm free because he sort of awkwardly hugs her, tightening his left arm around her body as much as he can. She lets him, because after all, they're about to die again, and this she kind of knows how to do.
"So is this how you attract women?" she asks. "Set jungle animals loose on them and lure them into freezers?"
"That depends. Are you attracted?"
Yes, she doesn't say. "Well, I haven't chewed through the handcuffs yet, so you must be doing something right," she allows instead.
He reaches up to touch her cheek with the hand that's joined to hers. "Would you be surprised if I told you that's actually not the most backhanded compliment I've ever gotten?"
"Not really. I've met your mom, remember?"
"Ah, yes. My designated ego-deflator," he replies. His embrace calms her more than it probably should. Well – calms her mind. Her body's another story.
She doesn't really want to die with him. That's not what she wants to do with him at all.
She turns her head toward the hand that's stroking her cheek, barely brushing his fingers with her lips. He strokes his thumb along her lower lip. "Kate ... "
She's not sure she can handle what he might say, so she interrupts him by kissing his thumb. God, she just wants to... One by one, she kisses his fingers where they're intertwined with hers. He's quiet now except for his breathing, which is getting heavy. So is hers. This freezer is too small and it's hot and her heart is pounding harder than it did when the tiger attacked.
"If you're teasing me, this is just mean," he finally says with a weak laugh.
"I'm not." He's forgiven her so much, and he'll have more to forgive some day when she's finally honest with him. She won't add this to it.
She doesn't know what to say, but she has to say something. It's been more than half a year. How long can a person hold on when they're getting nothing in return?
"I'm working on it," she finally gets out. "I'm not ready, but I'm trying to be. I will be."
He doesn't reply for so long that she's about to risk the tiger again. Finally he says, slowly, "I have to admit, I don't exactly understand what it is you're not ready for. I don't get why you have to do this alone. But if I know you're getting there …"
"I am," she swears.
"Then I can wait."
Maybe he can, but she's getting tired of it. She wants to move their hands down her body, to feel his touch on her breast, to see if he can make her feel whole where the bullet tore her apart. But they're on a case, and it's not time, it's never time. She kicks the side of the freezer in frustration.
To her utter shock, she hears a faint call of "Beckett?"
Holy shit, that's ... "Esposito?" she calls back.
Cautiously, she opens the freezer lid. The tiger's looking up at the ceiling, checking out the newcomers, but quickly shifts its attention to her. Before it can get to her, though, a shot rings out – Javi's covering them. Castle eeps and the tiger backs off, confused.
"Tranq it!" Castle hollers.
"With what?" Ryan yells back, just as Esposito yells, "I look like Jack Hanna to you?"
Christ. "Secure the house, then have a look around," she calls up to the boys. "They had to get that thing down here somehow, and I don't think it was awake at the time."
"On it, boss," Ryan says. "You guys OK down there?"
"We're fine. Secure the house, get the tranqs, get us out of here." She closes the lid and settles back in against Castle's warm body.
Looks like she's not going to die with him today. She grins into the darkness. She'll just have to figure out how to live with him.