A/N: Hello lovelies! I am just testing out the waters with this little story. I haven't planned out exactly how long the story will be so any feedback would be greatly appreciated! As it stands, it will probably be fairly short: maybe six or seven chapters total. I would so appreciate any reviews you could leave as it really helps me with the rest of the story!

This is a fairly goofy story, just something that got stuck in my head and won't leave me alone. It's not super logical and is most certainly AU. In this story, Voldemort was defeated for good when Harry destroyed Tom Riddle's diary in their second year. Draco was never a Death Eater and the entire Wizarding World has chosen to move on, thinking about Voldemort as little as possible. Draco's dad still harbors blood purity beliefs and Draco echoes those beliefs, but not nearly on the same level as his father. He hasn't called anyone a Mudblood since the Chamber of Secrets incident in their second year. They are now in their 7th Year and their biggest problems center around their last year at Hogwarts and making plans for entering the "real world" after graduation. The story of Hermione's childhood/how she's royal/how being a witch fits into that/how and why she's hidden it from Harry and Ron will all be addressed later on in the story itself.

Thanks so much xx - TPD

Chapter 1: The Slip-Up

"Seriously, Draco, you're not the King and I'm not your damn servant. Get your own Bezoar," Hermione growled, glaring at the blond beside her.

Over the past week, Hermione and Draco has stumbled into an unofficial prank war. Draco had snuck an errant lacewing fly to her Draught of the Living Death potion when she wasn't looking, causing the foul-smelling potion to explode, covering her unruly curls in grey gunk. Seething, drenched, and losing her top class standing for the day, Hermione vowed then and there to get revenge in the most devious and public way she could manage.

Her first opportunity came a few days later, when she overheard a couple of Hufflepuff girls gushing over how unbelievably hot it was when Draco's platinum hair fell into his eyes when he took notes. Personally, she'd always thought his hair closely resembled corn husks, stringy and decidedly un-sexy, but if the female population adored his blond locks, it seemed a fitting place to begin. A little wandwork and a short time later, Hermione retired to her common room, an easy smile creeping up her cheeks. Malfoy sure was in for a surprise in the morning. For the first time in a long time, she went to bed early, eager to be up early so not to miss even a minute of Malfoy's panic.

As she passed the Slytherin dungeons the next morning on her way to the Great Hall, she heard a high-pitched screech followed by the sound of glass shattering. Giggling into her sleeve, Hermione made her way over to the Gryffindor table, greeting Harry and Ron, and choosing a seat opposite them with a clear view of the entire Slytherin table. Not even five minutes later, a red-faced Malfoy burst into the Great Hall, flanked by the bodyguards he calls friends.

"Who did this?!", he bellowed, glaring at anyone who passed.

The whole hall grew silent, only to break out in rambunctious laughter at the sight of the Slytherin now sporting a bright green corn husk where his hair usually lay. Malfoy's beet-red face grew even redder as his hands tugged at the cornhusk firmly planted on his head.

"Show yourself you coward! No one messes with me and gets away with it!" he screeched again, his booming voice rising above the laughter.

As Draco surveyed the room, his fiery eyes met Hermione's, widening for a split second as he registered the barely hidden triumph in her brown orbs. His face broke into a sneer before whipping around and exiting the Great Hall, his black cloak billowing out behind him.

It took Madam Pomfrey half the day to return Malfoy's hair back to normal and in those long hours, he had ample time to plot his revenge against the Gryffindor Princess. Two days later, Hermione found herself sporting a bright pink beard as unruly as her curls and with the added ability to render her mute in her classes for the rest of the day.

A dragon tail and a see-through uniform later, Draco and Hermione found themselves here, in detention, slowly and painstakingly restocking Snape's excess potions cabinet. They had called a very precarious truce in order to get through their detention unscathed, but Draco was still getting on her nerves every five seconds by asking her to fetch him ingredients like a good little errand girl.

"Trust me, Frizz Ball, if the Wizarding World had a monarchy, the Malfoys would be on a throne somewhere. You're just jealous that the closest you'll ever get to royalty, is that deep purple color of your backpack", Draco sneered.

Hermione bit her lip, trying and failing to stifle her giggles.

"Something funny, Buckteeth?" Draco growled.

"Not at all, Ferret Face", she replied snickered, "Just imagining someone trying to stuff a crown on your over-sized head."

Draco glanced at the girl next to him, observing the very slight but certainly mischievous glint in her eye and the faintest hint of a smirk pulling at the corner of her mouth. He pursed his lips, eyebrows furrowing in thought.

Two days later, Draco arrived in Snape's classroom for their detention, immediately seeking out her telltale bushy head. Glancing at the light on in his godfather's obviously occupied office, Draco grabbed Hermione's arm, yanking her into the ingredient supply closet.

"What the fuck, Malfoy?!" she shouted, "You can't just manhandle me like that, you giant git!" She ripped her arm out of his grip, crossing them over her chest instead.

"My, my", Draco chucked, "Such language. Did they teach you that in finishing school, Princess?" he sneered, watching her closely.

If he hadn't been specifically looking for it, he might have missed Hermione's slight flinch at the pet name.

"Ha! I knew it!" Draco shouted gleefully, wagging his finger in her face. "I knew you were hiding something after our last little talk, Granger. Apparently the Malfoy private investigator will even venture out into the Muggle world if you throw enough Galleons his way. So imagine my surprise when it comes back that little Miss Gryffindor Princess is just that, an actual Princess. How exactly are your parents explaining your extended absence to your people?" he smirked.

Hermione lifted one small hand up to her mouth, covering it in shock, before letting her expression give way to hatred. She took a large step forward, shoving her finger into Malfoy's chest and poking him with her nail, hard.

"What do you want you miserable little ferret?" she ground out, her eyes shooting daggers at his infuriating face.

Letting out a bark of a laugh, Draco rubbed his palms together gleefully. "Now, now Granger," he drawled, "or should I say Your Highness, who says I want something?"

Hermione sighed, removing her finger from his chest and covering her face. "Please Malfoy, no one can know, so just tell me what you want to keep quiet about this so we can go back to never speaking to each other again."

Draco grinned predatorily, provoking a small growl from Hermione's lips. "I want in", he said simply.

"In on what, you big oaf", she replied warily, rubbing her temple with one hand.

"On the power," he replied, fixing her with a you-big-idiot look. "You're set to be the Queen of France one your parents step down and you marry, right? Well, you're going to create some fake cover for me, a tragically handsome, long-lost lord from a neighboring country or something, and then you'll marry me. I'll be a King and in a few years we can divorce, leaving me with a title, face, and an introduction to the Royal Court. I'll be free to live as royally as I see fit," he replied easily.

Hermione was dumbstruck for just a quick moment before she burst out laughing. She brought her gaze back up to his irritated face before bursting into a whole knew round of hearty laughs, bending over at the waist and clutching the newly-formed stitch in her side.

Straightening up to her full height, she managed to force a reply out between residual giggles. "Oh god, Malfoy, are you serious? First of all, that's absolutely insane for so many reasons; there's no way. Second, I'm already betrothed you idiot. And third, as if there's any way I'd marry you!"

At his exasperated expression, Hermione burst out in laughter again, wiping tears for her eye and holding her belly.

Draco stood up straighter, shifting his weight onto his right foot. "Yeah right, Granger, like you're engaged already. Weasel-bee would be stomping around glowering at the whole castle if he knew he never stood a chance with you."

A pretty blush stained Hermione's cheeks and she suddenly wouldn't look him in the eye, instead choosing to glare at the wall directly next to his ear.

Draco cocked his head quizzically. "Either you're not promised to be married or the Weasel doesn't know. which one is it, Princess?"

"Stop calling me that," she hissed venomously. "He doesn't know. No one does. Besides we're betrothed, not officially engaged yet. He's not supposed to propose until our annual beach vacation this summer. I'm free to see who I like, discretely of course, until then," she replied, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

Draco grinned evilly. "This is even better than I could have hoped! Here's the plan then. You'll go ahead and invent a cover store and a title for me and date me publicly until this summer. That way I don't actually have to marry you, yuck, but I still get the title, the fame, and can find an actually suitable royal wife at court after our "tragic" breakup," he replied.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Again, Malfoy, as if."

He took one step closer, clucking at her under his tongue.

"Now, now Granger. You wouldn't want your precious friends to find out that the person they trust with their deepest, darkest secrets has been keeping the biggest part of her life from them, would you? They'd never look at you the same way again. And imagine poor Weasley's face when he realizes not only does he not know you at all, but but you're already betrothed to another, selfishly encouraging his little crush even if you knew it could go no where," Draco drawled, placing his hand on the wall next to her head, effectively trapping her in place with his much larger body.

Once again, Hermione paled. "You wouldn't," she spat, turning her hateful gaze to him and thrusting out her chin.

He chuckled. "Oh of course I would, Princess. This is too great an opportunity to pass up. You can have until sunrise tomorrow to think it over."

And with that, he strode out of the dim supply closet, leaving a distraught Hermione alone with her flurry of panicked thoughts. He didn't even glance up from chopping his ingredients until he heard the telltale sound of the classroom door slamming, signaling Hermione's exit for the night.

The next morning, Draco was busy carefully styling his hair into his signature tousled look when the tapping of an owl broke his concentration. He strode over to the window, pushing the glass aside and noted the pale pink of the sunrise beginning to stain the clouds overhead. "Right on time Granger," he mumbled to himself, pulling the short missive free from the owl's leg. Lazily offering the owl a treat, Draco unfurled the piece of paper, glancing over the words as a triumphant smirk carved into his cheek.

You win, Ferret. But we play by my rules.

-H

A/N: Thanks for reading! Pls R+R!