Forget.

It's such an impossible thing to do, really.

No matter how hard you try, how much of your will you try to put against it, you can never forget.

But we still try to.

I glanced at her bare back. Her hair was covering a good part of it, to the point, it looked almost angelical.

I found myself sighing silently.

Another thing I'll end up adding to the long list of stupid mishaps I've done in my life.

Unsure what to do, I resigned to looking up at the ceiling, while putting my hands behind my head.

''It was good.''

Huh?

''…Excuse me?''

''The sex. It was good.''

Are you nuts?! That's all you have to say?!

''…I don't think saying that was the best way of breaking the ice.''

She moved her body a little bit as if she wanted to turn herself around but she stopped herself.

''Well, excuse me for at least trying to do so.''

Way to go, Hachiman.

I sighed.

''Look. I know you feel ashamed. I am, too. If you wish so, you can just get up and leave. We'll never talk about this. Ever.''

She turned around this time. I half expected her to wear a grossed-out expression as if she finally realized the extent of what we'd just done, and she'd be more than happy to leave as soon as possible.

Instead, she had a neutral expression, not making any movement to leave whatsoever.

''Do you want me to?''

''What do you mean?''

Her eyes close a little bit.

''Leave. Do you want me to leave?''

I didn't know how to answer that. Was that it? Were we just going to ignore everything and forget what happened? We could do it. I mean, it's not as we were even close, to begin with. We just went to the same bar. That was it. Just former classmates who happened to be at the same place more than once.

Yet, for some selfish, strange and unknown reason, I didn't want her to leave.

''Kawasaki…''

I froze.

This whole predicament just didn't make any sense.

With a final sigh, I resigned to answer the best way I could.

''I don't…know.''

''I see.''

Then, slowly, she turned herself around, and I could notice a tiny blush on her cheeks. She did her best to cover her breasts as she turned around and then covered her body with the mattress.

With the same level of embarrassment, I couldn't help but numbly stare back.

Then, with no warning whatsoever, she chuckled.

''What the hell…where we really that turned on?''

How can you say that so directly?!

''Oi…''

''What? Just admit it.''

What's up with this woman? Is she bipolar or something?

''I…uh.''

She stared at me with an embarrassed expression, waiting for my answer.

''We… We didn't use protection.''

…

…

''…Well, at least you said something,'' she added, ''Don't worry about that, I'll just take some pills later today.''

''Oh. I see.''

We stayed silent for a few minutes, just lost into our minds, pondering about what to do next.

The weather was changing rapidly. I could notice there wasn't as much of sunlight coming through the window as before, and it was starting to rain softly. I had no problems with it, though. I always liked the rain.

''You know, I thought you were a handsome guy at the end of high school. Except for your eyes, of course.''

''Yeah, yeah. My eyes are beautiful, you're just jealous.''

She smirked.

''You wish.''

It's not like I haven't tried to make them look better, woman. Lotions, more sleep, special products. I gave up in the end.

''Well, your high school fantasy was accomplished. You can die happily now.''

I didn't get an immediate answer.

''Die…huh.''

''I'm sorry. I was just trying to be funny.''

She shifted her body so she was now looking at the ceiling. I closed my eyes.

''Hachiman.''

''Yeah.''

''Have you ever wanted to die?''

That's a question no one deserves to have in their mind.

Quite frankly, there was a brief time in my life where I wanted to die. But obviously, I was too much of a coward to do so.

But in the end, it's just a meaningless feeling, wanting to die. For some strange reason, I decided that I'd rather continue on living miserably than being dead and not feeling anything.

After all, being alive means feeling. Yeah, of course, endless, excruciating and exhausting pain. But at least I felt something.

It's the same as when I go to the bar to drink my guts out.

''There was a time when I wanted to, yes. But that's all in the past now. I just don't care at all. But more importantly, why are you asking me that?''

She pondered for a bit.

''It just…came out, I'm sorry.''

''Maybe that's the vibe that I give to other people, I guess. So don't be.''

She turned her head to the right, and I could feel her gaze on my peripheral vision.

She was…upset, perhaps?

Then, a sad and almost melancholic smile adorned her face.

''You haven't changed one bit.''

''I tried once. It sucked.''

Yeah, it really was a pain in the ass after all. Maybe I'll try it again sometime; it's interesting at least. But I'm not too much of an idiot to not know what the result will be.

''Yeah. It sucks.''

''You don't need to change just because you don't fit into society. If you're not hurting anybody, and are not causing any harm, then there shouldn't be any problem with it. You'll end up suffering a lot if you try to be someone you just aren't.''

I could hear her sigh softly. I looked briefly at her. Her eyes were closed, and she looked serene.

''Really, you really haven't changed one bit,'' she says softly, ''But you're right. At least that's what I believe.''

It was my turn to smirk.

''When I'm not right, woman? I am the monster of logic. You filthy peasants should bow before me.''

A laugh… A sincere, hearty laugh. It even made me feel slightly happy, too.

''What was that? Ugh, that was creepy.''

I shrugged.

Her smile faded a bit.

''But…you know. It feels…lonely.''

Her smile was gone at this time.

Yeah. Certainly, it feels lonely, most of the time.

''Yeah…sometimes.''

Trust.

It's just such a stupid idea.

Trust is not something we loners can adapt easily. We require a lot of time, thinking, and interaction in order to even consider trusting someone.

That's why we possess such a small circle or just nothing at all.

It's just a waste of time and resources to blindly trust someone who is bound to betray you eventually. So, in conclusion, it's better to just not trust anyone.

I learned it the hard way back in elementary school.

I snapped out of my train of thoughts as I took a sip of my warm drink.

The little droplets of rain slammed softly against the window at my side. Occasional gusts of wind could be heard outside, and I inwardly thanked the heavens that I managed to get into the coffee shop just in time.

It didn't look like the rain was stopping anytime soon, so I just resigned to order my favorite drink and seat the on farthest seat away.

I glanced around the place, it was nowhere as bad as I expected, really. It was a place I frequented heavily much like the bar, as I could take some time to relax and enjoy the solitude after a tiring day at work.

Oh, I guess I shouldn't leave you all in the dust.

My life didn't really change for the better after school. I graduated, and that was all. I didn't talk to any one of those at school after I left. Only Yukinoshita and Yuigahama, but the three of us eventually drifted apart.

After what happened, it was inevitable.

College was nothing new either. Being the rotten man I always was, I simply went into the area I knew I was good at: writing. I joined the Faculty of Letters and Chiba University, specializing in literature. The rest was history. After graduation, I did a specialty and then, a master's degree. After that, it wasn't exactly hard to find a stable job and to write some articles occasionally.

I had actually become a pretty accomplished person, even more than a lot of people.

It was a really stupid excuse to feel ungrateful. Yet, I did.

I felt a buzz coming from my pocket, so I took my phone out.

I cringed at the screen. After hesitating, I picked it up.

''Hiratsuka.''

''Oi, cheer up for a change!''

''Leave me alone. What do you want?''

''Ugh, someone's gloomy tonight. Oh, never mind, you're always gloomy.''

''Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Now, what do you want?'' I was starting to grow impatient.

''I just called to know how you're doing. It's that so bad?''

I sighed. I was being an asshole.

''Nothing new, Hiratsuka. You know me more than anyone else.''

''You really are still the same guy from back then. Well, your voice is sexier at least.''

''Oi.''

Hiratsuka-sensei got married four years ago. I could feel a tiny bit of gratification about her still calling me from to time, though.

''You worry me, Hikigaya.''

''If I had a hundred yen for every time you said that to me, I won't need to work for the rest of my life.''

I heard a soft laugh coming from the other side of the line. I found myself smiling softly, too.

''You'll never change. That's more than evident.''

''Congratulations on your guess, you won the lottery.''

''I wish that actually happened. I won't have to work at Sobu anymore. These hormonal teens are starting to get a toll on me.''

Oh, heavens. I inwardly felt bad for those poor bastards.

…

…

''Hikigaya, do you remember that delinquent girl, Kawasaki?''

Sudden flashes of memories invaded my mind.

I blushed.

''Y-eah. I met her last week.''

''…Really?''

''Hmm. She goes to the same bar as me.''

I could hear a sigh coming from the other side.

''She's just like you, if not worse.''

I don't answer to that.

''And I guess you won't even try to get closer to her.''

Oh, you really don't want to know.

I glanced at the window, looking at the distance.

''Stop talking nonsense, sensei. I doubt someone would come even close to being as rotten as me.''

''Stop acting as if you are the only one who was problems, Hikigaya. Goddamn, what problems do you even have? You live alone, you have a master's degree, have a decent amount of money, and yet, you act as if you live under a bridge.''

''Just let me be, sensei.''

A long pause followed, followed by a low sigh.

''I've wanted to do that since years ago. And here I am. Anyways, I need to start preparing dinner. One last thing though. At least talk with Kawasaki. Who knows what can happen.''

''Hmm.''

The call ended.

I'm a coward. And I know it.

It was always like this.

I've wanted to forget, the fact that night happened at all. But unlike everything else, some part of my sub-conscious refused to do so. And it irked me.

The raw, unrestricted, carnal moans. The tickling sensation of her hair sprawled all over me. The warm feeling of her body pressed up against mine, enough to overcome the coldness inside me. Her cries as she realized how desperate we were. Her back pressed against my chest, as she holds my hand with hers, tracing circles around it while the hums some melancholic tune I can't even recall.

All these memories came suddenly and periodically, as I stared numbly at the ceiling of my bedroom.

Why did I want this?

Why did I want to feel it?

I picked my phone up and unlocked it.

Yes, I saved her number. I don't know why we exactly did; maybe it was just an act of courtesy.

I've been debating about calling her ever since I talked with Hiratsuka.

Without thinking, I press the dial button.

After four rings, I hear the voice I could not get out of my head all this time.

''Hello?''

''Yo.''

''H-ey.''

…

''Well, this is awkward.''

''…Up for a talk?''

''…Sure. It's not like I have anything better to do at this hour.''

''Now, that's strange. I always believed back then that you would end up with one of them.''

We were at the bar again.

Seven months had passed. Since I grew a pair and decided to call her.

It was our haven. The place we met up at least twice a month first, but we eventually started meeting every weekend.

''Hiratsuka thought so, too. But that's in the past,'' I said softly, before taking a sip of my beer.

''Hmm. Come on. Tell me about it,'' she mumbled, playing with her glass, a faint blush of drunkenness adorning her well-defined cheeks.

''What we had, it's something no one beside us could understand. I really enjoyed being with them. But it had to stop.''

''Why?''

I was no idiot. I knew it all along.

''They fell in love with me. And I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand having to say yes to one while breaking the other's heart. And deep inside, I knew I was not couple material,'' I said numbly.

''So you turned them both down.''

''Yes. We eventually drifted apart after graduation.''

''I see.''

They were both married to someone now. They're happy.

It was the best decision.

In the end, no one got hurt.

No one.

…

''What about you? Ever got yourself a boyfriend or something?''

She smiles softly, looking down at her glass.

''Never. Just some platonic crushes back at college. Nothing more. I was just…uninteresting.''

I frowned.

''Well, they were missing out.''

I signaled the bartender in order to get us another fill.

Glad that bastard is not in turn tonight.

''Thank you. For walking me home.''

She had a pretty decent apartment, and her work as a consultant paid off.

It was a particularly rough night. We drank more than usual. When this happened, I always made sure to walk her home so she wouldn't get into trouble.

''It's nothing, really.''

She smiled softly at me.

It was strange really, our relationship. But in the end, we both were never normal.

''Want to stay for a while?''

I pondered for a bit. But in the end, I always said yes.

''Okay.''

I lay down on the couch, as she went into her room to change into her pajamas.

Her hair was loose, just like I loved it.

She came back a while later and lay down beside me.

She leaned herself against me.

''Hey. Stay here for the night. It's really late.''

She had a point.

''Sure.''

But even so, I ended up loving our relationship dearly.

''But, I mean,'' she said, putting one of her hands on my hair and starting to play with it. ''With me, on my bed. No couch for you tonight. I don't want to sleep alone.''

''…Are you okay with that?''

She laughed.

''Really? After we fucked like animals back then, all those months ago, you're really asking me that?''

I shrugged.

''Yeah, yeah, I get it.''

I put on a pair of jogging pants she gave me, and a white shirt. It was no problem for me since she was only half a head shorter than me, and our bodies had similar proportions.

I lay down beside her and she turned the bedside lamp off.

But before I could do anything else, she pressed herself against me, guiding my arms around her warm body.

''You had a rough week, didn't you?''

Of course, she knew.

''How'd you know?''

''As good as you can read me; I can read you, too.''

I smiled.

''I see.''

I rested my chin on the top of her head and hugged her as firm as I could, and she responded with a content sigh.

We never officially declared ourselves as a couple, and frankly, neither of us cared.

Only one thing mattered to both of us.

We were there for each other.

All divisions represent different times, just to leave that clear.

Yo. Well, this is what you get when you start writing randomly to see what comes out. I hope you enjoyed it. I planned to keep Konstantine as a standalone, but in the end, I couldn't help it. I doubt I'll write another continuation on this, though.

Seeya.