Hello my lovelies okay, I know, I really shouldn't be starting a new story, but this one has been going round in my head for a while now and I needed to write it down.

I hope you like it.

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS: LA, nor any of the words I have taken from the show.

It was the end of the first case since Deeks had returned to the team after being tortured. He'd done it. Finished his first day back, or his first case back, it had taken more than a day to complete after all. He knew he should feel some sort of achievement at having done that. At being able to do his job and not let his experiences affect his work. But he didn't. Something inside him still felt… off. He didn't feel as he had before when they got the bad guys. Didn't feel a part of the team as he always had done. No. In truth all he felt was a bone deep weariness that never seemed to go away. A hollowness where everything that he loved about his job used to be. He didn't like it. He wanted it to go away. Wanted everything to go back to how it had been, but how could it? He didn't know what he needed to do get rid of the emptiness inside him, he wished he did. Wished he could just wave a magic wand and have everything back to how it should be. He would do anything for things to go back to how they had been. To be the man he once was, instead of this shell he was existing in now. Anything…

But still he played his part. Played the joker, the clown, the comic relief for the others. It was a role like any other, and he was the master at playing a role. He just… he didn't know anymore.

"Deeks, can I talk to you?" Came Callen's voice, interrupting his musings as their partners went to pack up after the day.

"Yeah, the backs fine, thanks for asking." Deeks replied with a cheeky smile on his lips, slipping back into his persona with ease, though not as much ease as he used to. He didn't want to show how effected he still was by all that had gone on before. Though Callen's next words left him feeling exposed, as if there was at least one other person who could see what he was truly thinking, feeling, or not feeling as the case may be.

"I don't want you here."

"Sorry, what? Okay this is usually where you insert the punch line." Deeks replied desperately hoping Callen was playing a bad joke on him. He didn't want him to know the depths of what he was going through. Didn't want him to see through his mask, even if he knew Callen was the one person who had always seemed to be able to do so.

"I don't want you here until you're ready to be back." Callen explained looking deep into the younger man's eyes. He had watched him throughout this case. Had watched as he tried to find his place once more, but he couldn't help but think that he had failed. He didn't want Deeks to come back just because that was what was expected of him. He wanted him to want to return, to want to be part of their team once more. And he needed to make sure the other man knew that.

"Heh. Okay. Did you… did you see me today? I mean I was like Starsky and Hutch." Deeks bluffed hoping he would get out of this conversation with his usual combination of wit and jokey words. He didn't want to have this conversation. Not now. Not when he still wasn't sure… not when he still couldn't feel what he once had.

"I'm talking about your mind-set. I can't have you coming in here second-guessing yourself, trying to figure out if this job still makes sense for you. That's not safe for you. It's not safe for us." Callen continued relentlessly. He knew he was being harsh, he knew he words were hurting Deeks, but it had to be said, and it was his job as team leader to say them. He needed to know Deeks was there with them every step of the way. He couldn't be worrying about him all the time, there was no room for that sort of thing, not in this job.

"Yeah." Deeks replied. And looking into Callen's eyes he knew there was no hiding the hole inside himself from this man. The hole that was all that was left of the love he used to have for this job. There was one person who could see through his masks to the man beneath, could read that man like a book. He wasn't sure if he should feel glad to know someone understood, or terrified. But looking at Callen he knew one thing. He was right.

"Yeah." He agreed once more before he pulled off his badge and gun, and handed them over to the startled man in front of him. "I know strictly speaking, you're not my boss. But you were more of one than Bates, so…"

"Don't do this. Take some more time." Callen replied, even though he took the items held out to him. He could see in Deeks' eyes that there was nothing he could say to stop him from doing what he was. Nothing would keep him there, and maybe that was a good thing, maybe that was what Deeks need. Maybe the kid needed a change, needed something they could no longer give him. It wasn't the outcome he had wanted from this conversation, but if that was what Deeks felt he needed, then Callen was not going to stand in his way.

"Time isn't going to help, Callen. I need to step out of the shadows and live in the sun. And I can't do that here." Deeks replied with a small smile, knowing that the man in front of him understood what he was saying, probably more than he did in all honesty.

And Callen did. He knew Deeks didn't just mean NCIS by here. He meant LA in general. He wasn't just leaving the team, he was leaving everything behind. He was running. An understandable reaction to what had happened, but one Callen knew would achieve nothing in the long run. Therefore he couldn't stop himself from replying, "You know the problem with the sun, Deeks? No matter where you go, your shadow is always with you."

"I guess that's a risk I'm going to have to take. Thanks for everything, Callen, and tell the others… tell the others I said goodbye." Deeks responded with a small smile. Because while Callen's words might well be true, the only way he was going to find out was to try. And he had to try something. He couldn't do this anymore. Couldn't be this man anymore. He was done.

"When you're ready, you know where to find us. There'll always be room for you on this team." Callen replied sincerely, offering his hand for the other man to shake, hoping he would understand what he meant. That to him Deeks was part of his family and that he would always be there for him when he needed it. He would come if he called.

At those words Deeks nodded, shaking the hand offered without a word. He couldn't get any past the lump that was in his throat. For a minute he wanted to change his mind. To take back his gun and badge and beg Callen to forget everything he had said but he knew he couldn't. This was what he needed to do for him, and no one else. But he was glad to know he had a safety net if he fell. Beyond glad to know that if he ever needed him, Callen would be there without thought. He would have thought it strange that he would only find out how much Callen cared about him as he was leaving, if that was, he didn't know the man as well as he had come to. Callen was never one for wearing his heart on his sleeve after all.

As soon as Deeks let go of Callen's hand he moved to grab his bag. He knew he should probably clear out his desk, but there was nothing there he wanted to take with him. Nothing there that he needed wherever it was he was going. Nothing was left here that he couldn't walk away from.

With that thought he turned with his usual sunny smile to his partner and the other agent on the team.

"See you later Kens, Sam."

And with that he walked out of the building and into the sun. And for the first time since the torture he felt something other than empty. Wherever it was a good something or not, he didn't have a clue. Only time would give him the answer to that one. But it was answer he wanted to find.

And Callen still standing where Deeks had left him holding the gun and badge couldn't help but curse to himself.

"Damn it, Deeks. Be careful." He muttered, before turning towards Hetty's office. He had to hand in the detectives resignation, to more than one boss, and he didn't for a minute think either of them were going to be happy about it.