Disclaimer: If I owned Nintendo or the Legend of Zelda, I would not have let Fi break the third wall (I'm not even sure Link KNOWS what batteries are, much less a wii remote). But I don't, so you have no cause to worry. Anyway, if possible, please enjoy. :D
!Warning: Some spoilers, sort of, if you haven't played SS.
"Awright," Groose muttered as he pushed the huge bomb flower into position. "This beauty's ready to rumble!"
He dusted off his hands and slicked his freaking awesome pompadour back before turning to the middle of the Sealed Grounds. He could see Link running around near the head of the Imprisoned, looking confused and quite agitated as he ran back and forth. He snickered. He wasn't surprised at all. Not anyone could be as cool and collected as THE Groose, ladies' man extraordinaire. Heck, if he had been chosen Hero by the evidently confused goddess—she had to be, passing a prize like himself up—that fat sack of flesh would've never made it back a second time. Well, no matter. That fuzzy furball would be back thanks to the beauty Groose had melded together.
"Hey Link, the machine's all loaded and ready to smash! If that flabby sack of teeth tries to climb the wall, I can blast it from here with a bomb. When you want some backup, send me the signal!" he hollered down. Link looked up at him and nodded. Right on cue, the Imprisoned latched it huge paws onto the ledge and began reeling itself up. Link stared at it, stunned, before glancing up at Groose, warning in his eyes. He was practically shouting Need help, here! in a completely silent way. And Groose was more than ready to oblige.
"Awwright, it's time for Groose to explode into action!" he crowed as the cannon shot one satisfyingly huge bomb straight at the head. With a big BOOM! the Imprisoned began to stagger, swaying as it tried to collect its bearings.
"Hah! She packs a mean punch, doesn't she? I tell you, I was in love with this baby the first time I pulled the lever," Groose boasted smugly as he studied his handiwork, noting with satisfaction the obvious confusion the Imprisoned displayed. Then he looked for Link, just to make sure the punk was making good use of the time bought.
So as he turned to look back down near the bottom of the pit, he fully expected to see Link jumping onto the thing's head and whacking away, acting all heroic. Instead, he was greeted to the completely unexpected sight of Link staring up at him, mouth wide open and baby blue eyes round as saucers, speechless with amazement and what looked surprisingly like glee.
That stupid look on his face would've made Groose's day, except for the fact that doomsday was currently beginning to stomp its way up to the temple.
The Imprisoned was up and running—flopping—something again, and all that punk was doing was staring at him? Groose knew he was cool. Way cooler than that wimp could even hope to be. But this was ridiculous! That fat sack of teeth could be here any second!
"Oi, what'cha looking at? Get moving, punk! The Groosenator ain't that easy to reload!" he roared, spit flying out of his mouth, eyes bulging with incredulous rage. Link's innocently ecstatic expression didn't seem to register the fact that fate of the entire world was resting on his shoulders; He just continued to stare happily back at Groose and the Groosenator.
"YOU IDIOT! DO YOU WANT THE WORLD TO END! IF THAT THING GETS UP HERE, GODDESSES HELP ME, I'LL RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB AND STUFF THE PIECES DOWN THE TOILET!"
Surprisingly, the voice of that little blue freak piped up in agreement. "Master, there is a 95% chance that the world will end if we do not stop the Imprisoned. Therefore, there is a 5% chance that Sir Groose will be able to carry out his threat. However, I still suggest that we take necessary measures to halt the Imprisoned."
Some recognition seemed to register on the hero's face. Link turned to run, the look of relief and pure jubilation never leaving his face as he began trotting away. Midway towards the first air-geyser, Link turned around briefly to yell:
"Groose, marry me!"
With that he charged the air-geyser and rocketed skyward.
"What? The Hell?" Groose wasn't sure that he heard right. Maybe he was hallucinating from overload of stress or something.
The little blue weirdo that was always floating around Link suddenly popped up beside him, looking pensive as ever.
". . . . . There's an 85% chance that Master Link just proposed to you, Sir Groose. And if he does not hurry, there is a 90% chance the wedding will never take place."
"No," Groose growled, "even if the brat does succeed, there's no chance in hell that I'll ever marry him."
"Sir Groose, I calculate that there is a 95% chance that you are speaking the truth."
"95%? What happened to the other five?"
A/N: We all know that speechless look Link has. Do not deny.
But that's not the point. This story's really short and most definitely not as funny as I hoped it'd be. (Heck, it's not funny at all. It was so much better in my head before I committed it to paper..computer...whatever. Anyways, onward!
The idea just came along while I was battling the Imprisoned for the second time. I was just skipping around, all great and dandy, trying to jump on the fuzzy-guy's head and to stab that pretty rock and all that, when Groose was all like: "You can shoot him with big boom-booms now! :D" I got so happy, I'm pretty sure I was jumping for joy. What? Bombs are fun.
It was sooooo much easier with the Groosenator, but still, I had a few close calls. By the end I was so relieved I practically screamed at the screen "Groose, I love you! Marry me!" while my friends stared at me. Yeah, I was that relieved. XD (Damn, the second one's the most troublesome….The third one was fun, though. If I gave you any spoilers, please forget what I just said.)
Ooooh, right…The whole "Sir Groose" thing…Well, Fi is awfully formal, sooooooo...
Anyway, the result of freakin' epic LoZ music coupled with a crocodile-orangutan on steroids and big boom booms. Craziness ensues.