Title: Megatron's Ultimate Plot of Doooom
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: not mine
Warning: Crack and lots of it. Seriously, it'll hurt your brain.
Summary: Megatron came up with a new plan for conquering the earth. Surprisingly, it worked.
A/N: This is what my feverish mind high on flu medicine like to come up with. I decided that I didn't want to suffer this alone so that's why I'm inflicting it upon the lot of you.
If there's any mistakes, it's not my fault, but I'm pretty much delusional from fever and medicine, so the fact I can type at all is a miracle.
xXx
Aisle upon aisle of computers whirred away, their soft blue glow providing the only light in the room. Each one occupied by a pallid skinned human who mindlessly scrolled down the screen, ravenously consuming the images paraded across their monitors. Nearby other humans toiled away at a feverish pace constantly casting yearning glances at the orderly rows of computers. Until they had filled their allotted amount of fuel for their masters, they were denied access to the computers.
Watching from a view screen, Megatron surveyed his new domain with satisfaction. Finally, after so many years, after numerous humiliating failures and defeat, the Earth and all her resources were his. All around him the world lay in ruins, the humans willingly, even eagerly tearing their environment apart for a few meager scraps thrown their way.
He turned away from the displays of wanton destruction as another mech approached him. "Ah, Starscream what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"
"How did you do it? There was no grand battle between our two forces, no great loss of life. In fact," Starscream's voice rose in pitch with every word, his arms gesturing wildly to accentuate a certain point, "the humans themselves turn on the Autobots and literally hand us their planet on a silver platter."
"It's quite simple really." Megatron smirked at the flustered Seeker. "Humans are rather pathetic, their minds easily occupied with trivial matters. So much so, that it takes very little to make them utterly obsessed with something, to the point where they're willing to give up everything just so they can have more."
Starscream growled and glared mutinously at his leader. "That still doesn't answer my question, oh mighty Megatron. We've known those facts about the fleshlings for a while now. How can that possibly relate to our victory over not only the Earth but the Autobots as well?"
They paused in their conversation as a disturbance caught their attention. Below them, two humans were fighting over a stack of papers. Snarling and tearing into one another like a pack of rabid dogs. Finally, one managed to beat the other into submission, proudly trotting back to a gaggle of humans with his prize. Each seized onto the papers with a crazed gleam in their eyes. Much like an addict who finally received a good fix after days of withdrawal.
Starscream watched the interaction in fascination. His inner scientist wanting to experiment and catalogue the humans' responses and the exact stimuli needed to achieve such reactions. "This has to do with the humans betraying the Autobots, doesn't it? I still don't see what could possibly turn the entire species against their only hope for survival."
"Apparently, humans are fans of our kind. They are especially fond of coming up with fictional works that portray us in different settings. Mostly with something they call 'bot smut' that we generously provide them with ample amounts."
Horrified understanding dawned on the Seeker. "Wait, you couldn't possibly mean what I think you do. Do you?"
A rather nasty smile spread its way across Megatron's face. "Oh, but you know exactly what I mean. Evidently, numerous humans have a fascination with turning some of us into femmes, you in particular. Is there something you're not telling me?" He leered at the other.
Starscream felt his CPU freeze up a bit at the thought. Then promptly shook his head to clear the images his processor came up with. "But that . . . that still doesn't explain everything. Who among us could possibly have the skills to write sufficiently with enough diversity to keep them all slavishly content?"
Megatron waved a hand to indicate the back of the room. At a lone computer was a navy blue mech, working steadily at his monitor. "What is the progress of our current story arch?"
Disbelief flooded Starscream as he watched a high ranking Decepticon churn out page after page of something the humans liked to call fan fiction.
"Status: 75 complete. Next installment of 'All My Sparklings' will be done within the cycle." Soundwave responded without slowing in his typing.