Warnings: Drug use. Suicide. Character Death. Not a happy ending in sight.
A/N: Title from Florence + the Machine song of the same name. I don't own Doctor Who. Please Review.
1. No More Waiting
When the Doctor leaves her this time, she says it will be the last. No more waiting for the mad man to take her away in his magic blue box. She cannot stand to waste another moment waiting for him. Not when he doesn't wait for her. He thinks he can just waltz in and out of her life whenever he feels like it. He believes he can leave her behind and expect perfect forgiveness when he pops back for a cuppa and an adventure. She can't stand it anymore. The waiting hurts. The endless hours of watching the sky for a hint of something (anything) that could be him. The constant looking over her shoulder at every oddly dressed figure that walks past. Running towards what could be (but never is) the sound of engines.
After 14 years of being the-girl-who-waited, she gives up. Gives up everything she has allowed to define her for most of her life. It is hard to give up her identity. (But not as hard as being abandoned time and time again by that thoughtless man). Each day is a struggle. Her thoughts burn her (so many revolve around him). Some days she can do nothing but lie in her bed, and fight for every breath she takes.
Rory tells her it will get easier. He offers meagre comfort that she cannot force herself to accept. This is her battle, not his. She pushes him away – subtly at first, then with harsh words and flung objects when he cannot take a fucking hint. She locks him out of her brain (and their house). He gives up as well – just not on the Doctor, but on her. She cannot bring herself to care.
She spends her time alone; trying to figure out who she is. She feels invisible. Like she is becoming a washed out watercolour rather than the bold acrylic she has always been. She is becoming a ghost. People look right through her on the rare occasion she leaves the house for food. She doesn't eat, but she isn't hungry. She is the girl who has no meaning. She thinks if she must become someone (anyone) before she fades away entirely.
She finds she cannot be little Amelia Pond telling stories of her Raggedy Doctor to anyone who will listen. She can't even be Amy Pond: kissogram. She certainly isn't Amy Williams: wife. That ended after months of screaming rows, her changing the locks on her 'husband' (twice) and head wound that needed stitches. She never liked that vase anyway; it looked much better exploding into a hundred fragments on her husband's head (she can't be held responsible for his failure to duck).
She chooses to become the life and soul of the party (any party). She tries so very hard. She dresses up, wears her make-up armour and goes out on the town. She does everything the cool kids do. She does anything (anyone) that gets put in front of her. She sees herself as the person the party revolves around, the one who everyone wants to be, who everyone wants. She isn't. It takes 6 months of her new life for that to sink in. She thinks if she keeps trying, it will get better. It doesn't. It gets worse. The final nail in the coffin of Amy Pond: Party Animal comes after 6 months, 27 blackouts (34 men) and 1 overdose. She wakes up in hospital with no memory of anything that happened the night before and feeling like she's been hit by a truck. (They tell her she was found OD'ing in the street. They say she died twice on the way to hospital. That they nearly couldn't bring her back. They use phrases like 'will to survive' and 'possible psychiatric help'. She ignores them until they leave her alone).
When she leaves the hospital a week later, she leaves that Amy behind and begins the difficult process of choosing which Amy she wants to be next.
The only problem is – thought of becoming someone new kills her. She can't bear to look into the mirror. She can't abide the thought of having to force herself to try. So, by default, she becomes Amy Pond: Shut-In. She spends her time staring at the walls of her house, talking to herself (on the days when she can bear the sound of her own voice) and sleeping. She loses weight. She becomes pale and gaunt. She looks like the ghost she feared becoming.
This Amy ends when the nightmares start. The terrors she sees when she closes her eyes frighten her to the point of insomnia. (She calls this new Amy "Zombie"). She shuffles round in a haze, occasionally seeing things out of the corner of her eye that are never there when she turns around. Menial tasks become arduous. She cannot focus on anything. When she sleeps (passes out) she sees not only monsters that she cannot outrun, but her own faults and failings. She sees herself harming the man she thought was the love of her life. She sees herself high as a kite, and acting like a common whore. She sees herself self-destructing.
She thinks that there is only one way out. She isn't willing to go back to being innocent little Amy who watches the stars (not that she could be called innocent anymore).
In the end, it is one of the easiest things she has ever done. The only hard part is thinking what to say, what words to leave behind her.
(The last thing she sees as the life leaves her body is blood. Crimson she thinks drunkenly. Crimson, eleven, delight, and the smell of dust after rain. Her last act is to lean forward to see the stars. She feels like she is flying.)
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Reviews Appreciated. 2nd Chapter to follow.