DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE
A day in the married life of Clark Kent and Lois Lane
"Lois, am I getting fat?"
She raised an eyebrow and looked over her book to the man who stood by the mirror, checking himself in his blue tight fitting suit. Her husband never looked more like an alien as he did right there.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me, Lois. Do you think I'm getting fat?"
She still couldn't believe her ears. Superman, the man of steel, was worried about his weight just like any teen model wannabe. She snapped her book shut and eyed him with concern.
"I'm sorry, did I marry Nicole Richie? 'Cause I could swear the guy's name on the papers was Clark Kent."
Clark snorted and rolled his eyes. "I'm not going nuts Lois! It's just that these tights feel…" He huffed while pulling the red speedo out of a place it shouldn't be stuck in. "tighter."
If Clark wasn't so focused on the mirror, he would have heard the loud gulp that came from his now stuttering wife. "Uh… maybe it like… I don't know… uh… shrank or something."
"That's not a possibility Lois. I've been doing my laundry for years now and it never happened." He kept talking while checking the suit, still oblivious to the fact that Lois was slowly crawling underneath the blankets, covering herself completely. "I remember I hand-washed this suit yesterday and when I had to fly to Japan I told you to hang it on-"
And the Big Dumb Alien's mind was without form, and void. And God said, "Let there be light"…
"Lois! What the heck did you do to my suit?"
She watched him turn around with an angry look on his face and slowly pulled the hem of the blanket to her nose, leaving nothing but her guilty eyes at sight. She whispered an answer with the softest voice she could muster, even though she knew Clark would hear it clearly. "I may have hung it behind the fridge."
"You may have WHAT?"
She jumped slightly to the sound of his thunderous voice, but the initial fright quickly produced a fit of anger. This was Lois Lane he was talking to and she would never let him shout at her, no matter how many good reasons he had.
"Hey, mister! You better lower that voice of yours while talking to me! I'm your wife, not your child, and you can't just ground me for not doing my chores right!"
She saw him wince at her outburst, a glimpse of regret on his look; he felt almost guilty. "I'm- I'm sorry Lois. I shouldn't have shouted at you."
'My God, he's so easy it hurts!' She stood up and walked towards the intimidated giant, pointing a finger to his face. "You better be! Otherwise, what will happen next time? You'll slap my butt and send me to bed without supper?"
Clark took his time to picture the scene in his mind, while dragging Lois close to him. By the dumb smirk on his face, she knew exactly what he was thinking. 'Good one Lois!' She told herself. 'Now just keep him busy enough to forget about the suit.'
The feel of his hands gripping her aforementioned body part gave her enough confidence to wrap her arms around his neck and tease him with her lips. She bit and nibbled his lower lip, always pulling away whenever he tried to slide his tongue inside her mouth. They chuckled slightly, entertained by their own little game, until the tension building up inside became too much to hold for both.
Clark let escape a soft groan of pleasure as Lois glided her tongue between his inviting lips. His hands slid inside her pajama top, pulling her impossibly closer to his body while his fingers caressed her tender skin. Meanwhile, Lois skillfully untied the heavy red cape and allowed her nails to play with the small portion of his back that she could reach; the moment she gently scratched the spot between the end of his neck and the top of his spine, his whole body shivered and she knew this was it.
Clark roared inside her mouth while picking her up in his arms. He carried Lois back to bed and slowly laid her on it, his lips never leaving hers. The feel of intense bliss her kisses brought him seemed to never lose effect; it never even abated. The moment he started kissing his wife, nothing in the world could make him stop until he reached the apex…
Nothing, except the very inconvenient elastic band that once again slid inside strictly forbidden area…
Lois's eyes snapped open as she felt Clark raising up and struggling to fix the short red piece of fabric, while glaring intensely at her. "Would my dear, lovely wife care to explain why did she hang my suit behind the refrigerator?"
'Oh crap! I was so close…'Lois sat back on bed and took a deep breath, mustering all the courage she had to face the man in front of her. Clark waited silently, staring at her with his arms crossed, in a typical Superman pose. The bad thing about getting it on with Smallville to dodge an unpleasant talk was that, when it worked it was perfect, but when it didn't… her hormones would never ease quickly enough to give her a chance to think. She chose to go with the truth.
"Well, Smallville, I was watching this show the other day; one of those morning shows for housewives that teach a lot of nice housekeeping tips."
Clark frowned at her explanation and looked at Lois as if she had two heads. "Honey, you can't even do your dishes without breaking something. Why would you watch a show like that?"
"Hey! Those cups were very slippery with all that soap around them!" Clark's expressions lightened immediately and he almost chuckled, but he bit it back as he saw the pained expression on Lois's face. She was strangely serious about it.
"Ok Lois, I'm sorry. Now go on with your story."
"Thank you!" She said hastily, before turning her eyes to the bed sheets. "So, I was watching this show and then a lady said that a great way to dry your socks quickly on a rainy day was to hang them behind the fridge, because of the heat of the motor. And since I had no wet socks to dry, I thought I could use your suit to test the theory. It was all for the sake of journalistic curiosity…"
Clark watched his wife fumbling with the blank's fringes, not capable of looking him in the eye. His first intention was to kick her for playing practical jokes on him, but then her face told him it wasn't funny for her either. He chose to give it a try and take her seriously.
"Lois, socks are made of cotton, my suit is made of synthetic fabric. Plus, that tip is meant to be used only as a desperate measure, and for underwear and small clothes only, or it may damage the fridge."
Now it was Lois's time to look at him weirdly. "How come you know all those stuff about housekeeping, Smallville?"
"I don't know 'all this stuff'. I simply know what every half skilled person should know to survive properly." He snapped himself for saying those last words when he saw her watery eyes.
"I'm a disaster!" Lois cried out loud, while turning around and sticking her face to the pillow.
"Lois…" Clark sat beside her and pulled her close to him. He couldn't hold the wide smile that spread across his face as he saw Lois pouting. She looked so cute when she did that. "Baby, you're not a disaster. You have so many talents, housekeeping is just not one of them."
She grabbed his arm for support and dragged her face closer to his, looking at his loving blue eyes. "I know it. I just- I wanted to do something nice for you."
He grazed his fingers against her tear-stained cheek and held her tighter with his other arm. "Hey, look at me." Clark whispered at Lois, and she fixed herself on his lap in order to face him completely. "When I said I do on that church altar, I was completely aware of all your abilities and inabilities, just like you were aware of all the things I can do, and all the things I can't. If you can keep loving this dorky farmboy here, then that's nice enough for me. It's already so much more than I deserve."
His sweet words brought a faint smile to Lois's face. It still amazed her the way he could make everything better with a couple smiles and some sappy words. Being like this in his arms, looking straight in his deep blue eyes, felt so right, so perfect. It was so… romantic.
'Romantic? Ew!'"You can give me all you want of that sweet talk of yours Smallville, but I know you only married me for my hot body."
Clark glanced down at Lois and captured the smirk on her face. All those years of bantering and bickering made him a skilled opponent. "Well, if you want me to be honest, I only married you for the money. The hot body was just a welcomed bonus."
Lois feigned a hurt face and pulled away, punching his shoulder. She tried to escape his embrace, but Clark laid her back on bed and promoted a forceful tickle attack to her sides and stomach.
The moment she started fighting for air, Clark's hands rested over her belly and gently moved up and down, leaving a trail of goosebumps on her skin. The two of them shared the same look of lust and passion as they stared at each other.
"You know Smallville, I think we should get you out of that tight outfit before Clark Jr. gets smothered. I mean, what good would you be if it ever happened?"
"Now who's the one interested only in a hot body, Mrs. Kent?" Clark said feigning disgust, while unbuttoning her pajamas.
Lois's hands moved straight to his crotch as she gave him a devilish look. "Ooh, my prrrrrecious!"