mistake
A/N: This is basically a huge over-500 word stream-of-consciousness, Bellatrix/Lucius monstrosity, somewhat narrated by Bellatrix. (We can hear her thoughts, but not Lucius's.) I like to think of her reliving this whole thing while she's shit-ass drunk. This is why it's not standard grammar. This is not a continuation of 'whisper', it's a whole new thing entirely. Don't own HP, please review. Thanks.
bella and lucius were best friends, and they would always be best friends, he was someone she could lean on and talk to, she was someone who would watch his back and give him advice, but that was all they would be, bellatrix, I will not have you running around like that with the malfoy boy,she was for rodolphus lestrange, and he was for her little sister, narcissa with her golden looks and fresh beauty, everything bellatrix was supposed to be and everything she would never be, she was dark sensuous black-haired and wild, I long to break out from this irksome prison,a cat with claws among society, and it was really a huge mistake, he had come out of his room, clothes and hair mussed, looking aroused and annoyed,fucking hell, bellatrix, tell me what I'm doing wrong with her, she had nodded and offered him bits of vague advice, as he went on, she's so fucking cold now, bella, and I don't know why,she remembered there was a bottle of firewhiskey brought out, graceful fingers swirling the amber liquid as he talked, she was not one for niceties, down the hatch it went,he'd unbuttoned his shirt, untied his long blond, almost white hair, wonder what it would be like to run my hands through it,she listened patiently, I don't know what to do,and then he had leaned over and kissed her hard on the lips, he tasted bittersweet, clean lips tinged by the sting of alcohol,she leaned into him and he groaned, oh bellatrix, we really shouldn't,and she had told him, but we are, and the rest was buttons flying, fabric ripping, hard caresses, and then it was really just soft skin, pressed together, and moving to a beat that was both ancient and yet brand new, she was a virgin, and so was he, it was awkward, and heated, but she wouldn't trade it for anything, and when they were done, she and lucius had lain side by side, just talking and staring at the sky through the windows, hey, there's your constellation, bella,talking to him was just right, as comfortable and easy as breathing, but afterwards there was something strange that hovered over their light conversation, awkward silences no one wants to notice,like an intruder that was always lurking on the outskirts of things, the one that said, this was a mistake and meant absolutely nothing.
You'd think they would have learned, but they didn't, and the second time was when lucius had gone to her room again, eyes aflame and face contorted in anger, your sister's a cheating bitch, bella,and this time bella was prepared, she'd set up a makeshift bar on her desk, glasses on the left, two bottles of firewhiskey, and a dulled skewer for stirring,as soon as she heard the words, she'd gone to work, pouring the whiskey into glasses, trying to hide her thoughts, oh, cissy, how could you,cap the bottle, you know he wanted you and loved you, place bottle back into its corner, you had his heart and you spat on it,reach for skewer from opposite side of desk, why did you do this to him,stir the drink, why why why why,here you go, lucius, and tell me what she did, while the words still beat out a relentless rhythm in her brain, threatening to escape and make her head explode, maybe it wouldn't be so bad, actually, I can't think anymore really,and as he talked, bella saw the glint of tears in his eyes, oh merlin, it hurts me too, you know,everything that hurt him hurt her a thousand times worse, she went over to him and hugged him, telling him it'd be okay, even though they both knew it wouldn't ever be again,he cried and she held him tighter, feeling a single tear slip down her cheek, lucius had looked up then, and asked her why she was crying, it's nothing, lucius,and then he'd kissed her, and this time it was gentle and sweet, and so was the sex, all soft touches, the gentle easing of fabric off of bodies, and slow but heady beats as they connected their bodies, she cried into his shoulder as she came,and he had held her until morning, cooing nonsensical sweet nothings into her ear, slipping out like the dawn, she'd woken up missing something, curled around an empty space, like something that was part of her and then ripped forcibly away.
They did not talk, and the months quickly passed, until it was the week before lucius and narcissa's wedding, bella felt like she was choking on something that made her stomach hollow and her throat sick, she couldn't look at narcissa without wanting to throw up anymore,and when regulus had asked her what was going on, bella, why don't you smile anymore,she didn't know if it was crazy or suicidal or just plain stupid, or maybe it was all three,but she told him everything, told everything to a thirteen year-old, and he was the one who wrapped his sickly little arms around her as she sobbed and wiped her nose, it was wrong, reg, but then I fell just a little in love with him and it became more,the one who held her long hair back as she vomited into the toilet, because she'd gotten disgustingly drunk when she had heard her mother and narcissa discussing wedding seating, why wasn't it me, reg, why wasn't it me,the one who tucked the blankets over her prone body, as she fell asleep, dreams of golden white hair and wisps of white chiffon emblazoned in her mind, just like her love, which festered and twisted inside of her, as the date got closer.
The bridesmaids' dress was lavender and wispy, and bellatrix decided she didn't like it, because, even as the maid of honor, she still had to wear the disgusting concoction of chiffon and silk and lace, and mostly she didn't like what she saw when she looked in the mirror, a sunken, hollow beauty lost inside of herself,,bella hadn't eaten in weeks, and her face was all angles now, her skin pulled tight, and her eyes slanted and large, she looked like some pitiful wraith that had died a thousand and one years ago, waiting for someone to let her in,so her dress looked like it was eating her, swallowing up her pale décolletage and neck, and the elaborate updo her mother had wrangled her hair into made her face look thin and sharp and sad, the shadows underneath her eyes prominent, as she followed narcissa, holding up the train of her white dress, and wishing she could stab her sister with the heel of her stiletto, pure black blood spurting out as she dug the sharp knife into the corrupted porcelain flesh,but she holds in that wild monster that yearns to break free, the one that causes her fists to clench involuntarily as those old biddies gossip,aren't they the most beautiful couple,and as much as she hates to admit it, they're right, and that's what makes it worse,the one that causes her to suck in her breath, as he tells narcissa, I do, and then it's really all over for her now, the could-beens and might-have-happeneds all dead and gone, flashes of a black haired child, running to his parents, one fair and one dark-haired, the cries of 'mother' to a dark-haired woman who is her, only older, the adoration in the man's eyes as he looks upon her,WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN, what could have been, what could have been, if she had told him earlier, after all, in terms of marriage, one Black sister was no different from another, and the one that makes her flee to the ladies' room to cry as she watches them at their table, at the reception, so fucking sweet it's giving her a coronary,she's giggling in a proper, girlish way, feeding him chunks of wedding cake, and he's playing the part of faux-annoyed but adoring husband, smiling at her as the well-wishers converge on the golden couple, while it's her who stands outside, looking into their world, because, really, she ceased being a part of it since his lips first touched hers,and here she sits, on the cold floor, tears smearing her makeup and face, a twisted version of beauty,and chiffon skirts spread out on her legs, crying for what could have been
It's pride that keeps her from screaming out loud, because it's chaos in her head right now,as she walks up to them, to wish them her best, pasting a smile on her face, you see that smile? That laugh—it's all fake and pretense,and trying to make her voice sound natural and not raspy, like she'd spent the past hour sobbing out that beating organ called her heart in the lavatory, and was she supposed to walk quite that fast, just one foot in front of the other, bella, easy as pie, left foot, right, left, right, and now she's standing at the edge of the cliff, facing her monster, and smiles tritely at narcissa, trying to convey everything in a glance of black-brown eyes,don't you ever hurt him, narcissa—if I cannot have him, I'll be content—perfectly content, to watch over him, and until then, I'll be good, but the moment he turns his back on you or you do anything to hurt him, I'll rip your heart from your chest and drain the blood from it,pearly blue eyes look back at her in shock, widening, and she seems to ask, sister, what have I done to deserve your ire,but too bad, because bellatrix's not telling, it's her secret, and all hers, and then she turns to lucius, telling him she wishes him a wonderful marriage with her sister and pretty golden-haired children in the future, before shooting him a look that tells him, falling in love with you was a mistake, just like that night, only I loved that mistake too much to let it go, but now, I'm letting you go—even though I know, I know you will not come back to me,and perhaps he understands and perhaps he doesn't, because he nods stiffly and tells her thanks, and as bellatrix turns away, she thinks, this is not my lucius—I'll have him yet, for I keep him around me, in my heart, as that perfect, golden-haired eighteen year-old boy, and apparates to the graveyard nearby, sitting amongst the tombstones, an eerie silence brooding over the whole thing, that part of lucius will be the one I keep with me, he has much more in common with me than myself, because he is me, my secret self,and then she smiles, because now she understands.