Drunken Murder Plans

Summary: In the old Hogwarts days, when they were young, Remus and Sirius used to get drunk, a lot. This is just one of their cough adventures… down the road of darkness…

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Call it exam stress. OWL stress. Call it nerves. Call it puberty. Go on, call it whatever you like. The facts are, Sirius and Remus were completely drunk.

They downed Firewhiskey after Firewhiskey, growing more and more oblivious of the real world. It was a release from the constant stress, constant schoolwork. It was their last Hogsmead trip before the exams.

"Ugh…" Sirius made an unidentifiable sound, between a groan and a moan of satisfaction. "I'm goin'a feel this tomorrow."

"Yer'r drunk." It came out of Remus as a sluggish slur.

"So're you."

"This is comfort'ble," Remus mumbled, slightly more sober. "It's nice, with jus' the two of us."

"Yeah," Sirius replied with a slow smile, also sobering up. "Withou' James. And especi'ly Peter."

"So ye' hate 'im too?"

"Little wannabe tagalong." His disdain was apparent even through his drunkenness.

"Sometimes I just want to throw 'im off a cliff." Remus was almost sober now.

"Not painful enough," Sirius waved his hand loosely. "Hang him by 'is ankles in a well."

"Nice one," Remus laughed. Hang on, Correction. He cackled. "Whip 'im, then throw him into a salt-water sea."

"With sharks."

"Leeches."

"Water lice."

"Tied to a rubber ducky."

"He he. hic I like that one!"

"Feed him to Aragog."

"Leave him in a room with a flesh 'ating flobber wormssssssssssssss."
"Rodent Poison."

"Let him see someone's man boobs."

"Mauling by a Niffler."

"Seeing Snape in the shower."

"Stabbed to death by quils."

"Smothering with a soy sauce bottle."

"Feed him to the Giant Squid."

"Butterbeer Torture."

"What?"

"Water torture with Butterbeer instead of water."

"Oh…"

They both downed a shot before continuing.

"Sacrifice him to ancient Aztec Gods."

"hic Mummify him alive."

"Hmm… I like the way you think Sirius…"

"So do I… and right now I'm thinking I like you a lot."

"Now, Sirius, I don't think I've heard enough torture options for that…"

"Well we can always remedy that can't we."

"I suppose we can." Remus sighed as Sirius attempted to give him a very drunken but supposedly seductive smirk and eyebrow action.

"For example... We could always stuff him into a quaffle and use him in a quidditch game."

Another attempt at the eyebrow quirk.

Remus snorted at the sight.

"God Sirius. Get a life for once and stop hitting on me."

Sirius frowned, his eyes blurred as he tried to comprehend exactly what "hitting on" meant to him in his drunken state.

"But Remus… I haven't hit you since… you challenged me to that wrestling match."

Remus sighed. "I still say we attack Peter with a toaster."

"A blending machine is more appealing to a drunken mind you know."

"Yes. I suppose it is…"

"But it's still not as appealing as you…"

Remus sighed heavily and let Sirius leave his hand on his thigh.

"Death by dishwasher."

"Death by…" Sirius paused a moment to try and think of something gruesome enough for their rat like friend.

"… nose plugs."

"The Avada Kedavra curse is more along the lines of what I was thinking."

" We could always chop his head off."

"Nah. Nearly Headless Nick is bad enough. We don't need Nearly Headless Peter..."

There was a pause. A scratch of a head. a grope and then-

"I know! Parchment cut him to death."

"I like that 'un."

Another pause. They were sober now. It was amazing; how planning for murder made you so sober. .

"We should get out like this more of'en."

"Definitely."

"Withou' Peter."

"Or James."

"Yeah."