Reintegration

Summary: Spike and Wesley share a bonding moment (in a friendly way) after Fred's untimely death.

Disclaimer: They are not mine. If they were they would be happy well adjusted people. But then, I suppose, what would be the fun in that?

I know you are not the same
But looks can be deceiving
Your face is still as pretty
And my heart will not believe me
When logic tells that you are gone.
Just sing a song.
Because I know that you're still there
Destinies are supposed to be forever,
Even lost in that cold blue stare.

Spike stood quietly, just inside the doorway to Wesley's office watching him unravel. He looked frantic and calm all at once.

Wes sat behind his desk with eyes darting back and forth from the book shelf on his left back to the several volumes sitting in front of him. He didn't notice Spike in the doorway, which in no way bothered the vampire. Watching him was like watching a puzzle put itself together. His eyes, his movements his frustrated sighs and troubled giggles told things about him words never could.

Spike stood there watching this figured that could only exist to mock everything that Wesley once was. He was broken. A broken man, with a broken heart and a broken soul. He was imploding and everyone around them was too busy with their own shit to help him deal with his.

This was a scene Spike knew all too well. Hell, once, not so long ago, he was it's star.

Standing there watching Wesley convinced him of one thing - he was happy that he had no real ties to anyone or anything that surrounded him. That way it wouldn't hurt when the world around them came crashing down. And it would, it always did. But this wouldn't be like the last time. This time he didn't have anything to lose, and for that matter, he had nothing to gain either.

He took a step forward and smiled slightly feeling a need to both comfort him and make his attendance known "I know what it's like, mate."

Wesley looked up from his book and for the first time noticed Spike's presence "Hmm?"

"That darkness that has grown into you heart, like it is a part of you. Like it is you."

Wesley didn't answer him, but for the first time since Spike was in the room he was still. He locked eyes with the Vampire. Spike cocked his head to the left and took another step into the office.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room.

Wes was confused by this turn of events. Was Spike…Spike…trying to comfort him? No one else had even bothered. Sure everyone was sorry, everybody hurt, but everybody was on there own. Including him.

The silence was screaming, begging to be filled with emotional outbursts that had no right to be controlled. Wesley looked as if he was about to let go, but instead sighed, and swallowed his emotion, something he was now quite skilled at.

"I don't think you know this. You could never know this. No one could." His voice was small and heartbreaking and only once he started speaking did he peel his eyes off of Spike and put them back on his books.

"Oh no? I watch my world disappear when Buffy died. And it was my fault. I should have saved her. She counted on me, and I let her down. I let her die. Never in all my years of existence has anything ever…." He trailed off shaking his head slightly at the horrendous memories of that night. Regaining his mindset he stepped forward and continued "My heart was gone, Wesley…my reason was gone. She was my world, my whole world. So don't tell me I don't understand. No one understands more than me." He wasn't necessarily bitter when he spoke, but not exactly gentle either. He just wanted him to understand that he wasn't alone. Now why he wanted him to understand - that he was a little fuzzy on, but something in him told him it was the right thing to do.

"I…" Wes couldn't finish his thought, hell; he didn't even know what his thought was. It was a million different things. Most centering around the word 'why.' He looked up at Spike with unshed tears pooling in the corner of his eyes. Determined not to cry, he shut his eyes, took in breath and regained his composure, which hadn't exactly been lost in the first place, although, it should have been.

"It's not your fault, Mate. So don't you tell yourself anything different. You did everything you could. She loved you right and proper and she knew you loved her. Nothing will ever change that. Not death, not time, not a damn thing."

"It wasn't enough. It just wasn't enough time." He hung his head

"Never is."

They let that hang between them for a bit.

Spike shrugged his shoulders allowing his hands to hit against the side of his duster breaking the silence. "Fancy a drink? I hear is a pretty posh club up the street, or a pretty nasty dive a mile down. Your choice. I mean, if you have a preference. It's on me."

"I think I'm a bit ahead of you there, ol' boy." Wesley said holding up a bottle that had been concealed in his desk drawer. "And if I do say so, this place holds a bit of both atmospheres, does it not?"

"Yah that I suppose it does." He let out a little chuckle "All the same I think we should get you out of here. It is just as gloomy outside, all dark and dreary, so don't fret."

Wesley was quite. He looked down at his book for a long pause and then back up to Spike. A tear dropped from his right eye. But only one. "If I leave…if I leave this place, it means she is gone." He was so quite when he spoke the words barley made it to Spike's ears and his voice broke when he hit the end of his sentence.

Wesley's word brought him back to the night Buffy died. He recalled staying on the hard concrete hours after Buffy had been taken away by her friends. His grief was inconsolable, not that anyone tried. He sat there and watched the blood stained pavement until the sun began to creep out. He cursed himself for not having the strength to sit there and fry. Sometimes he still did.

Spike shook the memories off. "No, mate, it just means you were thirsty and tired of looking at these walls. Nothing more. Tomorrow will come and you will be right back in here fightin' the good fight an all that. But tonight, how 'bout we just drown our sorrows with some cheap booze and good company…good being relative of course." He let out a wicked grin.

At that Wesley gave in and let a light, painful smile form on his lips and stood up from his chair "Of course."