I rolled off from on top of Sam and collapsed beside him, exhausted and drained. "Sammy, I swear you get better at that every time." I slapped his ass as he shifted to the other side of the bed. Sam turned away so that his back was to me and turned off the lamp on his side.
He had been this way for about two weeks and I was starting to worry. When we first admitted that we wanted everything from each other, it was magic. I never knew what true love felt like until then, but now I knew that I wanted only Sam. Our hunting showed great improvement as well. We had seemed to connect on a deeper level and were constantly aware of each other. It was kind of like telepathy and we were always reacting before the other one had spoken.
Frankly, it scared me so much that I started to pull back; at least I was going to, but Sam beat me to the punch. Suddenly, he seemed to retreat into his own skin and grew a little colder and more…well more like me. Now it is all cold glares and stone cold silence from him. This was tearing us apart. It got so bad that we decided to take on an extended rest from hunting. What was left unsaid however was that either we would work out our problems or we would be split asunder entirely.
To make up for my discomfort I treat him like my former array of one night stands, but even if I never say it out loud I know that he is much more than that. I don't know how to tell him so I do what I know. This is to make suggestive remarks and distance myself from him. My impressive ability to avoid and deny my emotions was good in almost every other situation except for the current one.
Cursing my predicament softly I roll over and turn off the lamp on my side. The worst consequence of our continuing spat was the sex. We had not given it up because, secretly, we both feared that if we moved too far apart we wouldn't be able to come together in the same way again. But, we were both seriously regretting it. What was once special and deep was reduced to mere rutting. The physical pleasure was still there, but the deeper satisfaction of sharing it with no barriers and blocks was gone.
How do I fix this? Thinking to myself before the exhaustion finally caught up with me and I slid into unconsciousness.
Waking up slowly I allow myself to peak over in Sam's direction. His side was empty and his shoes were gone. Banishing the cobwebs from my mind I jump out of bed and stalk to the dresser. Opening the drawer so hard it almost came off I could see that all of Sam's clothes were there. And, now that I took a moment to look around I saw his computer lying on the desk. I knew that he would never leave that behind if he planned to leave. I knew that Sam wouldn't leave me in the night; that was something I would do and had done to women all over the country. But something that he mentioned the day after we grew apart.
We had just exorcised our tenth demon and we were taking a rest. We both sported wounds from the ensuing battle and we were administering First-Aid on ourselves. My wounds were small; I only had a few small cuts and bruises and a bruised rib. Sam on the other hand was battered and beaten. His forehead had a deep gash, his ankle was torn and his rib was cracked. He had taken the brute force of the demon's aggression while I had performed the exorcism.
When we got back to the room, Sam had headed for the shower and bandaged himself up. "I'm sorry for─," I started to say but Sam interrupted me. "Save it, Dean. I don't want to hear it." He turned his back to me and started to redress. Angrily, I spun around and stared at his back. "Sam. I just want to make sure that you don't lea─," Again he interrupted me. "So I don't what Dean? So I don't leave." He laughed harshly. "If I ever decided to leave I wouldn't do it while you were awake. I don't want to go through you tying me up anytime at all."
Okay, so I had tied him up when he first tried to leave for Stanford. Only Dad's order had forced me to let him go and I did. Clearly, he hasn't forgiven me for it. Maybe I overreacted a little…or a lot, but I was even worse with emotions back then and I couldn't admit to him or to myself how much he meant to me.
I was so wrapped up in the past and my memories that I wasn't aware of the door opening until it closed with a bang. I turned to face the door and saw Sam standing there with coffee and a bag of McDonalds. He stared at me for a minute before putting the food onto the coffee table and took off is shoes.
"Damn it Sam, where did you go?" I didn't mean it to, but my voice cracked a bit at the last part. I cleared my throat and looked away.
He paused a bit and looked me over. "I went to the McDonalds down the street for some food. Somebody has to be responsible around here." He meant his last statement as a jab and it succeeded.
I winced a little and grabbed a cup of coffee. "Well. Thanks for the food Sammy." His nickname feels flat and wrong in my mouth. We were eroding; slowly but surely and I knew that I couldn't go back to what my life had been before we got back together. Sam offered protection and safety to me. I needed him more than I've ever need anybody. He was the only one I trusted at my back and in my heart. I loved him.
As soon as I thought it, I flinched. I had never said those three words to anybody but Sam. Mom used to say it to me, but I was always too cautious and afraid of her reaction to say it back. Once Sammy was born however, I found someone I could be totally me with. His eyes glimmered with intelligence, even as a baby and he grew into an intelligent, capable hunter. He excelled in tracking and information gathering. And although he never got a hold of the actual killing part until recently his martial arts were almost unmatched.
He held back a lot and that was why nobody knew what he could do. Not even Dad knew the full extent of his strengths. I had assumed that he did it on accident but now that I knew how secretive he was I was certain that he did it on purpose. The Sam that I knew had all but disappeared beneath the tough exterior of the New Sam.
The whole time Sam was just staring at me; not saying anything or touching his food. He was silently watching; as if he were waiting for something to happen. "The hotel has a full gym on the top floor." He started over my shoulder, not meeting my eyes. "I got you an all day pass." He held out the key card to me.
"Thanks," I replied as I stepped forward to accept it. It was light blue with a magnetic strip on either side. It was stamped with today's date and time. Sam turned away, but I reach forward and grab his arm. A spark jumps between us and we both stop. "This is great Sam. I mean it." I put all the sincerity and thanks I could muster into my voice. He nodded slowly and tugged his arm from my grip.
He shook his head and grabbed his laptop from the desk. "I think there's a virus in the hard drive, so I am going to take it to a specialist in the area." Sam didn't talk directly to me, but at least he was talking again. Sam left through the door and I could hear the distant roar of the Impala's engine. It faded quickly and I got antsy.
I don't like to stay still and wait for things. I was a hyperactive person and I paced and paced. I was really starting in when I felt the pass key in my pocket. Taking it out I study it for a bit and make my choice. Locking the door behind me I ride the elevator to the top floor. When I get off I whistle in appreciation. The equipment here was new and up to date. They had machines for everything. Machines for abdominals, pectorals, triceps, biceps, quads, and hamstrings. There were bikes and dumbbells and much more.
Feeling like a kid in a candy store I start with my abs and slowly make my way around the room. By the time I make it through half of the machines my skin is sheens with sweat and my breath comes in pants. I should probably stop, but I haven't worked out this hard in a while so I complete my circuit. Wrapping a towel around my neck and taking off my shirt I ride the elevator back down to our room. Opening the door I pause in the doorway. Sam is there, against the far wall. Doing one-handed push-ups, the muscles in his arm and stomach flex and glide under his skin as he completes his reps.
The sight of him is so hot that I gasp out loud. Startled, Sam looks up and our gazes lock. We couldn't look away from each other as Sam got up from the floor and I shut the door behind me. We move closer and closer to each other until we're no more than a hairsbreadth apart. I reach out, planning to stroke him but he brushes my hand aside.
"What the hell Dean? Since you're horny and I'm available that's it?"
I stare open-mouthed at him. "What do you mean horny?"
Sam laughs and looks down below my waist. Now that I focus on it I feel my hardened cock pressing against the ties of my sweats. I deny it loudly and vocally. "Sam, I didn't come back here for sex. I…I just wanted to talk."
He snorts with derision. "You want to talk. Talk about what? About how we're falling apart, because, in case you haven't noticed we are falling apart." He pulled his hands through his hair, not caring that he's mussing it up. "If we keep on like this, sooner or later we're going to get killed." He sighs and turns away. "It might be better for both of us if we split up."
My comebacks died in my throat as Sam said those words. The rift might have been my fault to begin with, but my heart stuttered in my chest. Immediately, I lash out in the only way that I know how; with anger.
"Fine Sam," I practically spit the words out at him. "If you want to leave, then go ahead. I won't hold you back this time."
And then I go in for the kill. "I don't need you, Sam. I can't depend on anyone else but me." I get an immediate reaction. Sam flinches and his eyes fill with everything we left unsaid. As quick as it appeared it was gone. The brief flash of emotion reminded me of the old Sammy but something was still different. His mask was back on and I couldn't figure him out.
He stalks to the bed and grabs his shirt and laptop. "I'll be back in the morning for my things." His breath comes heavily through his nose. "Then I'll be out of your hair for good." I want to put my arms, wanting to stop him from leaving. I had the foreboding that if he left now he wouldn't com back again. Before I can decide whether to act or not Sam slams the door so hard that it rocks the pastel painting on the wall.
"Don't go," I whisper half to myself as I hear the distant sound of the elevator doors opening and then closing. The room seems cold and too cavernous. Sam had always been there and now that he was really gone a vacuum filled the space where he used to be; sucking the warmth out of the room.
I shivered unintentionally and as the sweat on my body turned cold and the towel leaked against my neck. Grabbing a fresh towel from the rack, I enter into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. Turning the water on freezing cold, I take off my sweats and boxers and jump in the shower. My body is instantly submerged and my ever decreasing hard-on vanishes completely. My fists pound the wall over and over as I replay the scene with Sam in my mind. I'd thought that we could finally talk and resolve our issues, but it backfired. I practically shoved him away with my barbs and omissions.
The water got so frigid that I had to turn it off. My knuckles were starting to sting but I ignored them. The pain in my chest had grown a little every minute since Sam left. I slip to the shower floor and let out a heart-wrenching sob. Tears flow from my eyes and blur my vision. Sam's image appeared in my mind and slowly started to fade.
"Sam. Don't leave me." I scream these words and they reverberate throughout the bathroom. Pulling myself up with the bar I hastily rub the towel over my body before leaving the bathroom. My despair was so great that I collapse on top of the covers and don't worry about my state of undress. My utter exhaustion and helplessness translate into bone deep tiredness and I'm asleep before I hit the pillow.
The first thing I notice as I regain consciousness is the pain that wracks my body. I could hardly breathe through the agony that is running through my veins. My muscles have seized up and I couldn't even turn my head. Groaning in pain, I manage to lift my right arm, but it flops back down soon after. Crap. I shouldn't have pushed myself so hard in the gymI had been so stubborn that I believed the previous twinges had been a part of my dream.
I force my burning neck muscles to turn towards the clock. It reads, 10:45. I laugh self-pityingly. The only night I manage to sleep so late and I couldn't enjoy it. My eyes close and I wait for peaceful oblivion to overtake me. A few minutes later I was groaning in pain and still awake. My agony seems to build on itself and become stronger every time.
I was so delirious with pain that I don't hear anything until a pounding on the door disturbs my own personal Hell. A key card is inserted and the door bangs against the wall as it is shoved open.
"Dean, why didn't you answer the..." He breaks off as he spies me on the bed gasping in agony. Dropping his bag he runs to the bed and kneels down by my side. "Are you okay Dean? What's wrong?" He leans forward to catch what I'm trying to say.
"Gym...workout...muscles..." Pain roughens my voice and I pant with exhaustion. He nods a little and heads toward the door. "Sam," I moan. "Please don't go." I hate the way my voice sounds but I can't stay quiet about my feelings. I knew that I would have to be honest with Sam if I was going to get him back.
"Shhh, it's okay." His voice soothes me. "I'm not going anywhere Dean. I promise." He pulls something called Body Heat from his bag and comes back towards me. "I just went to grab some massage oil. Don't worry Dean; I'll take care of you."
He straddles my ass and uncaps the bottle. I can't see what he's doing, but when he starts to knead my neck with his oiled hands I let out a sigh. His long fingers are perfect for this as he relaxes and stretches my muscles. He slowly rubs my shoulder blades, moving down then up then back down again in a rhythmic pattern.
Under his hands I relax and positively sink into the bed. As Sam moves lower sand lower down my back my hard-on come back in full force. As his slick fingers rub my ass and massage my glutes I writhe beneath him. I feel him pause above me, his motions stopping. I try to contain myself but it's all but impossible.
I was so happy that Sam was with me that it translated into pure need. I need Sam. In me, on me, above me. Anyway that he chose. He scoots down my legs and starts on my hamstrings. His hands work heat into my aching muscles and they quiet. I can think and all that I am thinking about is Sam. Sam scoots off of the bed entirely in order to reach my calves. He takes the first one in his hand and presses his finger into it; almost painfully.
After a flash of discomfort my entire calf is relaxed and limp in Sam's hands. He moves onto the other one and the same results are achieved. Relieved of my pain at last I bow my whole body and relax fully into the covers. Sam stands and puts away his oil. He pauses by the door as if waiting for something. I know now what I have to do if I wanted him to believe in me again.
"Sam," I call out to him. "Please, can we talk?" I wait for him to either leave or turn around and am ecstatic when he comes back to the bed. I take a deep breath and just plunge in. "I know what I said hurt you and for that I am sorry, but I didn't know what else to do."
"Wow Dean. I'm so glad that your first instinct is to cause me pain. It makes me feel are warm and tingly inside." Sarcasm bleeds from his pores but at least he is hearing me out.
"That's not what I meant. I'm not as good as this emotion thing as you are." I drag my hand through my hair, painfully aware of my state of undress. "We were so close it was like we were two people with one soul. And that scared me. I've never depended on anyone as much as I do on you." My throat closes up and I cough in order to clear it. "The truth is I love you Sam. I. Love. You." I look into his face expectantly but his expression is unreadable.
"You love me Dean. You don't know what the meaning of love means." He was getting louder and louder, losing control altogether. "Love Is Not Telling Someone You Don't Need Them. It's Not Backing Away When You Get Too Close. And It's Not AVOIDING YOUR FEELINGS AND PURPOSEFULLY DRIVING THE OTHER PERSON AWAY." He all but bellows the last part of it at me. "You don't know what love is."
He says that with such finality that it pierces my heart. I fly from the bed and wrap myself around his legs. "I know I'm a bastard and I know I can be unbearable sometimes, but Sam, please give me another chance." I'm crying now but I can't stop. Words fly from my mouth, everything I should have said before. "Sam, you're the most important person in my life. I could never imagine myself with anyone else. I Love You Sam. Please forgive me."
I look up and see nothing. His face is expressionless and he seems to be looking past me. Dejected, I drop my head and start to let him go. I'm not prepared for his weight as he drops to his knees in front of me. He put his fingers under my chin and raises my head. I can see his face; the sadness, the love, the lust, and the fear.
"Do you mean what you just said?" He asks this question and I answer honestly.
"Yes, Sam. I love you so much it hurts. Please..." I run out of words but I think that's okay. Sam leans towards me and as I lean towards him our lips meet. Immediately, the heat grows and builds between us, but I don't want to move. I move and straddle his lap. Our bodies fit together perfectly and it was like we were never apart. The sensation of his denim clad lap against my achingly hard cock makes me groan and rub against him shamelessly. Sam pulls his shirt over his head and wraps his hand around my cock.
I sob his name and wrestle with his jeans. I needed him inside me. I needed to feel him explode while buried deep in my ass. He lifts his butt off the floor at the right time and his jeans and boxers pool around his ankles. The whole time his hand is tugging and stroking my length. He flashes a smile at me before tugging my head toward him and plunging in. He explores it so thoroughly that I whine into his mouth, wanting no needing release.
"Sam... I need..." I don't know what but he seemed to. He tugged my hair and forced me to expose my neck. The pain from his movement shortens my breath more and tightens my balls. He gives my pulse point a slow lick before sinking his teeth into it.
Stars explode behind my eyes as I cum and I cum on his hand and against our chests. Boneless, I slide against him and brush his hardened cock with my hip. Sam sucks in a breath and licks his palm clean.
Smiling wickedly, I get on my knees and lick his cock from base to tip. Sam groans and throws his head back, neck muscles flexing as he swallows hard. I wrap my lips around the head and lick all of his pre-cum. Swallowing his length into my throat he reacts immediately and starts to shake. When I start humming, the vibrations running directly through his cock he pulls my hair and forces me to let him go.
I scramble up his body until his cock is pressed to the crack of my ass. I rock back and forth against it and it jumps and twitches. Sam grabs the oil from behind him and starts to coat his fingers before I stop him. "Let me," I whisper to him as I take it from his hands. Slicking my fingers I search for my hole and press against it with my first finger. It burns slightly but I grit my teeth and add a second finger. Scissoring my fingers I widen my hole and accidentally brush against my prostate. My cock starts to harden again and I groan in satisfaction.
Adding a third finger I twist and flex my fingers until I am stretched. I pull my fingers out with a wet pop and position myself directly above the flaring head of his cock. Staring directly into his eyes I lower myself down onto it. It slips past the ring of muscle and I start bouncing up and down happily. Sam grabs my waist and thrust up into me sharply while pulling me down at the same time. I scream as he rubs my prostate directly. The pace was fast and heavy. Both of us had been apart too long for it to be anything else. I start jerking my own cock but Sam brushes my hand aside and fists me hard. My head falls forward and I flex the muscles in my ass for him.
Sam groans loudly and his hand tightens on my cock reflexively. We were so close to the edge we could already see it. He only manages three more thrust before tugging my cock roughly and spilling himself inside me. He catches me in a kiss and we swallow each other's cries and we climax simultaneously.
Slowly, we come down and I wrap my arms around his neck. "I love you Sam. So damn much." He stands up with me still balanced on him and puts us under the covers.
"I know Dean," he says as he pulls me tight into his arms. "I love you too."
I know that should be it but I have more to say. "I didn't mean the things I said to you. I was just so confused. It's been just us for such a long time and I didn't want you to go so I reacted." I want him to know how I feel so I hold nothing back.
He nods and strokes my back. "Dean, it's going to be just us for a long time to come."
Only Us.