Their eyes say everything
Richard Castle helps Kate out of the car. One arm wrapped carefully around her waist, hand on her elbow holding her up. She tells him she can do it, all the while trying desperately to hide the cringing face she makes every time she moves. Even the smallest movements hurt her. Just speaking, breathing, living, but its those tremors that erupted a violent catastrophe throughout the rest of her body. Ripping at her lungs and muscles and skin and ...just everything. Her head hurts and her chest is tight and stomach raw. This splitting pain coursing through her veins like she was injected with acid instead of medication from those IV's she's now free of. They asked her if she needed pain medication but she refused, trying to look strong, trying to show them that she can get through anything even though on the inside she's completely shattered and losing all hope.
She wants them see that she's the same Detective Kate Beckett she's always been and nothing is going to change that...yet she has to tell herself. She's Kate Beckett Damnitt. But now...now she wishes they doped her up, because nothing has felt worse to her then this horrid aching. And she doesn't know what to do with herself, and the quakes are racking her stiff sore body more and more by the second. She's avoiding all eye contact with Castle while this all goes on. Not wanting to see the look on his face she can only imagine. That face that will make it all the more harder to tell him to go away when she gets to her apartment. She's been in the hospital too long and she just wants to go home.
In the elevator the seconds tick by ever so slowly as she and Castle wait to bring her home...finally Home. He's still holding onto her. But she wont tell him how much she loves it as she leans into him. How good it makes her feel that he's the one doing this. The one whose hands hold her up and keep her steady. He's the only one who can take some of that pain way. And she's terrified of it. She's become too dependant and she needs to step back...but she can't right now because she's Trembling. That's how it all starts.
The inevitable.
She feels like she's just waiting for it.
The torturous release of emotions that she's buried deep since everything. In the form of the slightest quiver of her skin. She's been doing this since woke up in the hospital, And now there is just nothing left to do but let it out, to let every thing out until she has nothing left in her. But she's afraid. Terrified of the pain. Of how much more agony she'll feel when she lets her body go, more pain her mind can't seem to fathom yet she possesses. She has so much inside of her, mentally and physically, body and soul and she has no idea how she's held it in this long, or where she even kept it. And somehow, Castle seems to know. She had to beg him to just go home. Leave her alone for just a day. She's free from the hospital and the watchful eyes, and now all she wants to do is be alone.
But now she's thinking it's her worst idea yet. Because once she closes that door behind her, where she knows Castle is hesitating against her wishes...A sob rips from her throat and she curls forward within herself. She leans back against the door with a thud that sends another ripple through her. The pain scratches to the surface of her skin and breaks through. She lets out a strangled cry like some horribly wounded animal and somehow finds her way to the sofa where she collapses in pure unrestricted agony. Her eyes burn as the tears stream out in waves, her face grows hot and her quakes are visibly taking over. She doesn't know what to think of first. How painfully aware she is of the utterly real bullet wound to her stomach, or metaphoric ice pick to her heart. Her stomach is burning but she feels like her heart is on ice.
Kate tries to lay perfectly still on the sofa, only bringing her hand up to pull the hair out of her face, feeling the wetness there and then crying out in frustration when another domino affect of pain sends shrieks of burning flames through her bloodstream to every nerve in her body. And she can't hear anything except for her violent sobs, can't feel anything except for the pain in her entire body and the breaking of her heart. She doesn't want to feel. She just wants everything to stop.
Everything from the past few months...year comes flooding in all at once. Her Mother's case, the freezer the bomb, Royce's Death, the hotel room with Castle, Lockwood getting out, That horrible fight with Castle and the things she said and didn't mean, Roy's betrayal, even though she forgives him..And then his untimely death. All too much. Too many things to think about, too many things to happen to one person in one short span of time.
"Shh."
A voice breaks through when her sobs quiet and her body hickups silently. She realizes that she's leaning on somebody's shoulder. With a cringe she inches her face to look up at Castle who has tears in his own eyes. She has no idea how long He's been here, perhaps the second that cry left her throat, but she's so relieved that he disobeyed her and didn't go home.
She blinks out several tears and sniffles. Her body still quivering. He reaches from beside him carefully and pulls out a bottle of pills for her, and produces a bottled water. Without a word he pours two pills into the palm of his hand and un caps the water. She doesn't move, it hurts way to much and he understands. He looks down at her, his brilliant blue eyes sending a pang of a whole other sort through her chest. She opens her mouth, and he slides the pills in and puts the water to her lips. She swallows the pills and drinks half the bottle before he caps it and lays it beside him.
Still neither speak. She rests her chin and nose on his shoulder, so she can still see his face, and continues to cry, although her episode is less violent than before. And Castle just lets her lean on him. Lets her cry even though she is positive it's killing him to see her like this. After a long time. She's stopped sobbing, and a few stray tears slip out. She opens her mouth and lets out a slow painful breath, the air pushing from her burning lungs chilling the now wet sleeve of Castle's shirt. She feels him shiver, and move a little He angles himself so her head slips to his chest and his arm comes gently around her. She clutches at his chest, and lets out another sigh. She looks up at him, seeing only his chin and jaw which is clenched, his head rests back against her sofa and his body is stiff under her.
Even though it still hurts to move, Kate lifts a hand up, her fingers brushing his chin. At first the only movement is the tiny shiver her touch sends through his body. And then his head comes down. She can see his eyes are forced closed, ever so tightly, like maybe he's holding something back. She rubs a thumb over the stubble of his chin and his body relaxes beneath he opens his eyes he lets out a breath that caresses her face. His eyes are piercing, and wounded. Her breath catches in her throat at the intensity of his gaze, but she cannot look away even though it breaks her heart. When his hand comes up to cup her cheek, she then notices that she's been crying again, because he's catching each tear as they escape.
Her hand travels up the side of his face to his cheek, and his head lowers to where their faces are so close. Neither draw closer, and no one backs down either. Green eyes look right into those blues ones. Just like the other countless times. They are speaking a silent language, their eyes conveying everything there is, and everything there will be. After a time, she's not sure how long, her hand slips down to take his, and she rests her head back down comfortably. The ache in her body has dulled a little bit, making it a little more bearable.
Castle smoothes the hair away from her face kissing her temple and resting his chin on her head. Kate closes her eyes. Still seeing his magnificent blues even behind her eyelids. Still seeing the conversation they conveyed. She knows, with a small smile and a sigh, that this was one conversation that does not need voicing. Their eyes, and their hearts said everything.
Okay...so I am slightly unsure because when I started this I had no clue where I was going and This is how it ended...So...reviews are very very much appreciated.
P.S. As I neared the end I remembered that fight. Where he said they never talk about it. And then I remembered all those time where the spoke depths with just their eyes, which btw. Is just amazing. So I felt like an entire fic with no words and eye contact like they do, was all it needed. Hope you think so too.