Fanfic number 2! I actually wrote something else before this, but it's pretty dark, and I figured that posting two darkfics in a row would only succeed in me being labelled as slightly disturbed. So here is something that is still pretty angsty (because that's all I seem to be able to write), but with a happy ending!
Disclaimer: Don't own Supernatural.
John Winchester isn't the only one who keeps a journal. Sam does too.
It's pretty different from his dad's though. His dad's journal his chock full of information on supernatural begins of all kind, and, more importantly (to John Winchester at least), on how to kill them. It's old and weather-beaten, coffee stained and falling apart. Dean loves to look at the journal. Sam hates it, hates absolutely everything about it. He even hates the picture that his dad keeps at the front of his journal, the one of the three of them perched on top of the Impala, back when they were younger. He doesn't want that picture to be in that journal, because to Sam it's such an obvious sign of his dad's failure to keep his persona life, and his work life, separate. It may be a family photo to Dean, but to Sam, it is a photo of "platoon Winchester". Two little soldiers and their fucking drill-sergeant: not two sons and their father.
Sam's journal is the polar opposite of his dad's. Sam is the neat-freak of the family. Dean thinks (and often says) that Sam is slightly obsessive compulsive when it comes to cleanliness and being organised. Sam bought what would come to be his journal at a stationary in some random small town a few months back. It cost him a little more than half of his savings, and Dean was pretty pissed off about that, because not only is it enough that you are actually keeping a diary like some little emo girl, but you also have to go and buy the most expensive one. Sam, instead of correcting Dean and telling him that he was buying a journal and not a diary, there's a difference, said: at least it isn't pink, and Dean scoffed and walked off to look at magazines. Of course it isn't pink, he muttered, you don't have a death wish, right Sammy? Because you know I would frickin' end you if you ever bought something pink. Sam thinks it's wise not to remind his brother that Dean has a pink shirt at home. He's had that conversation before, quite a few times actually because it's all he has to retaliate with when Dean calls him a girl, and it always goes something like: I can wear pink Sammy, because it's blatantly obvious that I am a guy. You on the other hand need to stay clear of pink because you could easily be a girl, what with your long hair and all.
The journal that Sam bought a few months ago is a deep reddish colour. Sam thinks the name for it is maroon. It's made out of some sort of leather – that's why it costs so much – but Sam doesn't mind, because that means that his journal will last longer than his dad's one. The pages are slightly yellow, because they've been made from recycled paper. Sam likes the feel of them, and he likes the idea that he will be writing on something that has had somebody else's thoughts and ideas on them. He thinks it's weird that he doesn't mind that the pages are, in essence, hand-me-downs, because he hates having to wear Dean's old hand-me-down clothes. But then that might be because the pages don't have "Metallica" printed right across them. Sam hates Metallica.
The pages in his journal are lined, and Sam is happy about that too, because it saves him the time of having to draw the lines in himself. He doesn't like writing on plain paper, it looks messy. Sam likes this journal a lot – the only thing he doesn't like is that it doesn't have a lock, unfortunate for him because he knows that Dean's new pastime is going to be 'find little brother's diary, read it, then tease him about it'. And Sam really doesn't want Dean to read what he is going to put in there, because he knows that Dean will freak. He'll just have to find a good hiding place.
A faint pling-plong sound is heard, signalling that someone has entered the shop. That someone is John Winchester. John's eyes roam across the room, searching for his boys, and settle on Dean, currently in the process of hurriedly trying to hide the Playboy magazine that he's been reading away from his dad's sight. He isn't quick enough though, and Sam hears John scolding Dean. Then Dean pipes up: Well, Sam is buying a diary! And it's reeeally expensive, and Sam mentally punches his brother in the mouth for drawing their dad's attention over to him, because he knows that John Winchester is not going to be pleased and Sam really, really wants this journal. But to both of his sons' surprise, John doesn't say anything. He just takes the journal out of Sam's hands and buys it for him instead, and whilst he's doing it he thinks maybe if he writes down all of his questions then I won't have to deal with them. Dean's mouth is hanging wide open in shock, because their dad never buys them anything, unless it's their birthdays or Christmas, so John tells his oldest to stop catching flies. Then he buys Dean a thick magazine about cars (not playboy) and tells him that he can choose where they should go and have dinner. That way it's fair, John says to Sam, who has already started whining at Dean's choice of Wendy's. And that shuts Sam up, because it is.
But Sam doesn't use his book as a diary, contrary to what both Dean and their dad think. He uses it as a journal, like the one their Dad has, but he puts a special Sam-twist to it. He can't find a picture of him Dean and dad anywhere, so instead he copies the one in his dad's journal. He even colours it in, and when he's done he looks at it and thinks that it's much better than the one his dad has, because that one is in black and white. Underneath the picture he writes: This is my family. We save people. Then, on the next page, he sticks a picture of his mom – the only one he has. He's always had that picture under his pillow, in a gold frame, mirroring where Dean keeps his, and Dean gets pretty mad when he sees Sam take it out and stick it into his fucking diary, but then Sam cries and Dean hugs him and says it's ok, I'm sorry, you can keep mom wherever you want.
Underneath the picture of his mom Sam writes: And this is why we do it. 15 years later, Sam ads Jess' high-school graduation picture to the other side of the page, and he cries when he does it because he hates the fact that his eight year old self subconsciously made space for another death photo to be added to this journal. It's as if he somehow knew that those he loved would always end up with a hole in their stomach, nailed to the ceiling and on fire.
John Winchester's diary is filled with pictures of everything that goes bump in the night: of wendigos, werewolves, spirits, vampires; of contact numbers to other hunters, written out in code; of lists of things to buy (salt, guns, silver bullets); of coordinates, newspaper clippings telling stories of death and disaster, ideas on how to kills this, how to kill that. There is no order whatsoever. Sam Winchester's journal is neatly divided into two parts. One part, he fills with the names, ages and sometimes the pictures, of the people that he and his family have saved over the years. The other part he fills with the names, ages and never the pictures, of the people that they haven't been able to save. He doesn't need pictures to remember the faces of those who died.
16 years later, Dean still doesn't know what Sam writes in his journal. And today, at 24 years of age, Sam heads out to buy a new journal, because the section reserved for the names of the people that he and his family have saved, is full.
Please review! I know that it's a little strange that Sam only ran out of space after 16 years. But it's a thick journal! And Sam stopped hunting for four years, so it could work.
SC