And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothin' that fall
Oh, May
Put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Oh, May
Do you wanna get married Or run away?
'Slide' sung by the Goo Goo Dolls
Those two always dance in the shadows, they always said. And she wears that heavy black eye make-up and it isn't gothic, because she doesn't call it that. It's more like Lily, more like the way she is. He wears these heavy boots and swears his Grandfather wore them in the Battle of the Shrines, and no one quite believes that, even if it's true.
They meet outside for it's sacred and even a bit dangerous, maybe. Always early mornings or late nights, some call it. Way before the sun rises. She gets out of bed and makes her way downstairs, through the cold staircases and mazes. James always asks where he goes and the young man comments: "Midnight snack," and he's back just in time for breakfast. But everyone's asleep when the moon goes down and the stars go up. So no one really notices--no one ever knows what goes on in the dark.
She meets him, always yawning and rubbing her emerald eyes. He's always a bit early, doesn't want her outside alone. They're near the Whomping Willow, and no one ever tells. She screams when the branches get too close to her and he always laughs.
Her hair looks like strands of scarlet in the dark night sky. Ribbons wrapped tightly around presents you were never supposed to open. It's messy and curly and it reminds him of licorice in sugar jars.
They sit together; close enough to the Whomping Willow to feel the wind but not close enough to be hit by it. But it's gotten close many times and once he got a bloody nose and he cursed like she's never seen before. He lets on that he's tired and she never believes it, and then she laughs as though it's daylight and says: "What was so important that you had to get me out of bed for, Lupin?" Just like she's said since first year.
They're sixteen now. She's too old for cheap colored lipstick and too young for climbing fences the boys say.
And he sighs. "Just thinkin' about you, Evans."
"Just thinking?" She says with a smile. "Sixth years...wow, eleven, can you even remember being eleven?"
He laughs--not in a funny way--" I can remember being happy, which is one in the same."
The girl looks up at him with a tired expression--he can see it in her eyes. "Well," she says in a sure-tone, "I remember when you kissed me."
"Evans--" he says "--we were eleven."
"Lupin--" she says "--it's no different."
He looks at her and she swears his eyes twinkle when he does so. Like gold, she always thought.
"Evans--" he says and then surrenders to that "--perhaps it isn't."
She smiles secretly, knowing she's won, she always does with him. He's much too sweet for her liking. He isn't like James.
James pushes people around and his mouth gets him in more trouble than you or I could imagine. James has guts and they're gooey but at least they're alive. Remus hasn't used his guts in so long she thinks they've rotted. Remus doesn't know what he stands for and what he doesn't so he just doesn't stand for anything. Remus would probably let Lily die if it was about to happen, Remus never believed in stopping fate. Potter, although perhaps cruel and cold would not let anything harm the girl. His girl. There's a passion in James' heart that doesn't let him just forget. It doesn't let him forget that Lily never really loved him. That Lily has the prettiest eyes he's ever seen. That sometimes you have to surrender.
Remus would let Lily go and he does sometimes. And she says, with a sigh: "I want to be alone for a while, Lupin." And he smiles like he's wiser than he really is: "Go, then." So she does. Potter doesn't let her go away and he's quite fond of chasing after the free spirit. And she comes back to Lupin just like she never comes back to Potter.
She goes to parties, sometimes. In the Gryffindor commons and sometimes the Ravenclaw one. Hufflepuffs are much too soft for her, she always said. And she comes back early morning and then she has to go straight to the Whomping Willow. Glitter streaks her eyes and her lipstick is smeared.
"Evans?" He asks in the darkness.
"Yes," she says quietly as he reaches out to grab her arm. "Lupin," she finishes breathlessly.
"Were you--"
"--out again? Yes, Lupin. I was. Do you have a problem with that?" She says this in a fairly snobby tone and he braces himself, takes a deep breath and says with little emotion:
"No, Evans. Just be careful, will you?"
She laughs mercilessly. "Just stay out of it, Lupin."
The young man sighs. "Right, Evans. Here, have some water," he hands her a warm mug "perchance it'll sober you up a bit, eh?"
The girl takes the water and begins to sip it.
"Evans," he says dully, "...I shall always love you." "Lupin," she comments quietly "...I shall always hope so."
He loves and she hopes.
James enters the scene somewhere in her seventh year and he's just like he was when he was eleven and nothing ever changes. He comes up to her with that smile and she doesn't melt because she isn't that sort of girl but she does giggle slightly and hide her face inside of her book-bag. He asks her if she'd like to go to the Winter Ball with him and she looks down at her shoes and then at Lupin, off in the distance.
He smiles encouragingly and Lily ponders that she never really was his. "Sure, James," she says, "that'd be lovely. Saturday, right?"
"Yeah...Saturday."
She meets Lupin following morning or was it night? near the Whomping Willow and he speaks to her and he still sees the stars in her eyes and wonders how they got that bright. There's awkwardness that she's used to and he isn't and she sort of looks at him with ruddy cheeks.
"So...Potter..."
"Yes," she nods firmly. "The Winter Ball. It's nothing, Lupin."
"It's something," he says.
"It could be," she shrugs. "Want a sugar quill?" She grabs one from her knitted purse as he nods. She hands it to him and he sucks on it quietly.
"So your James' now?" He asks in a near whisper.
"Oh I'm no one's," she laughs heartily.
"Angels belong to God," he says tiredly.
"I'm no angel," she laughs.
But you were at one time, he thinks.
*
End