Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling does. This was written solely for entertainment purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.

Trigger Warning: anorexia

For What It's Worth

"So there's something you didn't know about me", Draco said, folding his hands under his head as he gazed up at the sunny sky above them. He seemed to be avoiding eye contact. "Now you tell me something I don't know about you." Astoria glanced over at him through the corner of eye. She had listened quietly the entire time, sensing that he didn't open up to people often. He was now staring determinedly up through the leaves of the tree that was providing them with shade.

Astoria briefly considered reaching out to pat him on the shoulder, but had barely moved her fingers before she thought better of it. She wasn't really the touchy-feely type, after all, and who knew how Draco would react? Astoria rolled over onto her side and gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "It's all right, you know, I don't think any less of you." Draco shifted so that he was resting on his elbows and made eye contact briefly before glancing away again.

Astoria lay back against the warm grass. She marveled once again for a moment that they were able to do this, to spend a spring afternoon at Hogwarts enjoying the shade of an overgrown tree by the lake. This time last year they would never have been able to do anything of the sort; every waking moment was spent under the scrutiny of the Carrows and their colleagues. Let's see, she thought to herself, something he doesn't know about me…something I've never told anyone before…

After a moment's reflection, she thought of something she could tell him, if she could gather the courage…she had never talked to anyone about it before. It was too personal, too deep a part of something inside her that she never wanted anyone to see. How could she talk about it without sounding weak, vulnerable, or even worse, self-pitying and attention-seeking?

She glanced back over at Draco, who was now watching her with a mildly curious expression. Why was he taking so much time to get to know her anyway? Was he her friend, her boyfriend, her…what? She certainly felt that there was some kind of chemistry between them beyond just friendly affection, and she was pretty sure he felt it too. Or was she just kidding herself? He hasn't even kissed me, she reminded herself. Wait- does that I mean I want him to kiss me?

She examined the pale blue eyes studying her, patiently waiting for her to begin. He wouldn't have told me all that if he didn't trust me…does that mean I can trust him? Astoria actually had to suppress a smirk at that last thought. Who would have ever thought it could possibly be up for debate whether or not someone could trust Draco Malfoy, who in the past had always appeared to be the archetypal school bully?

Draco shifted again and appeared to become very interested in rubbing an emergent grass stain off his sleeve. She was making things uncomfortable by waiting so long to speak, she knew, but it was taking a moment to convince herself to reveal any kind of vulnerability beneath the surface of the girl who was known amongst her friends as "the sarcastic one" and "the tough one".

I have to start taking risks sometime, she told herself. Why not today?

"All right", she said. "I thought of something. Just don't judge me or anything, I don't normally tell people things like this." Draco nodded reassuringly.

"I was so excited to start my first year at Hogwarts, especially after listening to Daphne carry on about how great it was for the last two years. Growing up I always felt like I wasn't good enough, like I was somehow letting everybody, even myself, down and I decided the night before I got on the train for Hogwarts that this was my opportunity to turn all that around. No more being second-best for me. I had spent the summer flipping through Daphne's copies of Witch Weekly to learn how to do my hair and makeup so that maybe even if I couldn't be known as "the pretty one" I at least wouldn't be known as "the ugly one". I studied all my school books ahead of time so I could get the best grades. I was determined not to make any mistakes again, ever. (Of course now that I'm older I realize how unreasonable that is.) I would never let anyone see how horrible I felt about myself, because on the outside I would appear to be the last person who would have any reason to have low self-esteem."

Astoria paused to gauge Draco's reaction. Was he judging her? He didn't appear to be, rather, he was leaning on his side to face her as she spoke, and there was no sign of judgment or condescension on his face. He merely listened with quiet interest.

Astoria sighed and continued. "It all started out fine. I quickly made friends with the other Slytherin girls, and I got to see my sister more often. It wasn't long, however, before I started to feel overwhelmed. I began to lay awake at night worrying about how to keep it together the next day, without letting anyone see how much I was struggling. I was constantly keeping a running list in my head of all the things that could go wrong and how I could prevent them, and I just felt so much pressure, all the time. I know now that it was only me putting pressure on myself. I stayed up at night studying obsessively, feeling that even the smallest mistake could cost me. I made sure I was always there when the other Slytherin girls were hanging out, because every girl that age knows that as soon your turn your back, all your friends are talking about you, and I did not want to be that person. There's one in every group of girls and I tried to never give any reason for it to be me."

Astoria allowed herself another sideways glance at Draco. Why had she had to start rambling on about girl drama; that had to be about the last thing he was interested in…but Draco continued to appear to listen. He was now sitting upright and met her gaze.

"Anyway, it was like I woke up one morning in September and looked down and saw that I had five extra pounds that weren't there before. I was horrified that I hadn't noticed sooner. My plan for perfection certainly didn't include anything about gaining weight and being the fattest out of all my friends. I examined myself in the mirror and wondered, how could I let this happen?"

"This sounds dramatic, but it was like I felt this cold wave of shock running through me as I walked down to breakfast with everyone else. I couldn't believe that I had actually let myself get fat. It was right then and there that I decided I wasn't going to eat breakfast this morning, or any other morning for the foreseeable future until I got skinny again. When my friends asked why I wasn't eating, I just said I wasn't hungry. They all seemed to accept it that first time."

"I couldn't focus on my classes that morning. All I could think about was how quickly I might be able to lose weight if I didn't eat a thing and worked out every chance I got. I didn't eat lunch that day either, or dinner. By that time, my friends were starting to ask questions. I insisted that I wasn't hungry."

"I went for a run after dinner that night, not having eaten anything all day. At first I was feeling a sort of high, almost an 'I did it!' feeling; but, it didn't take too long after I started running to feel as though my legs were growing heavier beneath me, and my vision started to blur. I finally decided to give it up for the night and wandered back to the common room, leaning against the wall the entire way for support. Everyone else had already gone to bed, and I collapsed, exhausted from the day."

"Waking up the next morning was pretty unpleasant. It was like I had an enormous weight pressing on my body that I couldn't lift however hard I tried. I had never gone that long without eating before. It took several minutes of struggling before I could finally push myself up, and getting dressed and going down for breakfast with everyone else took all my strength."

"This continued for several weeks before my sister cornered me. I thought that my friends were just shrugging it off when I said I wasn't hungry during meals, but apparently one of them told Daphne that they couldn't remember the last time they had seen me eat. She gave me a stern lecture about how if I didn't stop this could turn into a full-blown eating disorder and that she would write to Mum and Dad if I didn't go back to normal soon. When I protested, she grabbed me by the shoulders and whirled me around so that I was facing that huge fell-length mirror in the Slytherin common room. I had been inspecting my body in the mirror in the girls' bathroom multiple times a day for the last few weeks and had seen, in my eyes, progress. There was no extra flab around my stomach or my thighs, and in fact I could even see my ribs beginning to show. You certainly couldn't say that about fat people. Daphne pointed out how pale and 'gaunt' I had become, how bloodshot my eyes were, and the fact that I was now so weak I was trembling merely from standing on the spot. I assured her that she was just seeing things and told her not to overreact."

"Daphne continued to keep an eye on me, and I tried to act as though everything was fine every time I saw her. After Halloween, though, even I was realizing that everything wasn't fine. I was obsessed with losing weight and pushing myself to go longer without eating. Looking back, I now see how all-consuming it really was. I was dashing back up to the girls' dormitory between every class to weigh myself, and I kept a roll of parchment in my pocket at all times to record the little that I did eat and the amount of exercise I did to burn it off. During the first few weeks I would sometimes lay awake at night with horrible hunger pains, hating myself for even wanting to eat. I tried to avoid going down for meals so I could avoid the temptation. By early winter, that had changed. Food was no longer a temptation for me; eating even the smallest amounts left me with an unbearable leaden feeling in my stomach. I had originally begun to diet because I thought it would be nice to have at least one thing in my life over which I had complete control, but as Christmas approached it was becoming more and more clear that my dieting- my 'eating disorder', as Daphne would have said, and to this day I disagree- was controlling me. It was almost starting to scare me."

"I think I hit an all-time low a week before the Christmas holiday. My sister had threatened again before breakfast to tell our parents what was going on if I didn't start eating more, and I was starting to worry that my appeals about sisterly loyalty weren't going to work for much longer. By then I was also starting to wish I had never started all this dieting in the first place, because I couldn't stop (and that wasn't easy to admit to myself). I thought back to what it was like the first few weeks of school, when I could eat normally and join my friends without any awkward stares or whispers about my eating habits behind my back. I knew by then that they all thought I was strange because of my obsession with exercising and calorie-counting, but my sister was the only one who seemed to care enough to confront me about it. I had originally wanted to be skinny to secure my popularity, but I felt more alone than ever."

"We had Transfigurations first thing that day. I always kind of dreaded that class because I had a feeling that Professor McGonagall knew something was wrong. Sometimes she would try to talk to me after class, but I always made up an excuse so I didn't have to stay long. As I walked to class my feet dragged, and my head felt…fuzzy, somehow. I could hear my friends talking and laughing beside me, but it sounded as though I was hearing them from a great distance. I had felt weak and lightheaded for several months at that point, but something really felt wrong this time. My heart was thudding so quickly in my chest it was painful, and my breathing was shallow and ragged. I worked hard to conceal all this, and I tried to walk normally and laugh along with all my friends. The last thing I wanted was to have someone notice that was something was wrong with me."

"Throughout the lesson, all I could think about was rushing back up to my dorm to weigh myself again and tracking how many days it had been since I had last eaten; I was about to set a new record for myself. At the end of class I heard the dreaded 'Miss Greengrass, if you will stay after class for a moment' that I had been hoping to avoid. My friends tried to wait for me by the door, but McGonagall shooed them away."

"She began with what was by then her standard how-are-you inquiry, looking over her glasses at me. I insisted I was fine, but I could tell that she could see through my story. McGonagall finally got frank with me that day and said that she could see that I had developed an eating disorder and that she was concerned about me. I snapped back that I wasn't even in her House, and she replied that she cared about all her students and would do whatever it took to make sure they were safe. As she continued to lecture me, I felt the fuzzy sensation in my head worsen and a horrible ringing began in my ears. My vision began to blur and even though I opened my mouth to form a retort to whatever McGonagall was saying, I felt as though I couldn't form the words."

Astoria cringed as she continued; this was a particularly difficult part of her story, and she was beginning to wonder if she would regret telling all this to Draco.

"The next thing I knew I was lying on the floor. Looking back, I can only surmise that months of not eating normally had caught up to me and I had become so weak that I actually passed out. To my horror, I could feel myself being lifted onto a stretcher and taken down to the Hospital Wing."

"When we made it down to the Hospital Wing I was immediately given an Awakening Draft, and when I came to I was surrounded by my sister, Madam Pomfrey, and Professor McGonagall. What happened next was all kind of a blur, but I do remember my sister shrieking at me, Madam Pomfrey lecturing me about the health risks presented by starving yourself, and McGonagall sternly informing me that if I didn't improve soon I was going to need 'professional help' and that she would see to it that I got some even if she wasn't my Head of House."

"Daphne and I went home for Christmas before McGonagall could do anything about that 'professional help' she threatened me with. Daphne, fortunately, never actually told our parents about what was going on (and I guess I managed to hide it well enough that they never confronted me about anything). That experience represented a turning point for me though. I think maybe the public humiliation of being scraped off the classroom floor and shouted at by such an unlikely trio was enough to shock me into trying to get better. I made up my mind that I would do anything, even eat, to avoid having that experience again."

Astoria paused, surprised that she was actually smiling at the memory. She supposed that really must have been quite a spectacle, with her lying in the hospital wing accompanied by Daphne, Madam Pomfrey, and Professor McGonagall at her side. She glanced over at Draco, who smiled back. "Don't worry, I'm not laughing at you", he said quickly. "It's just that I can relate."

Astoria tilted her head, bewildered. She couldn't imagine Draco having ever experienced anything quite like that. "Can you?"

Draco gave her a bitter smile. "I was once turned into a ferret in front of nearly the entire school by a man who turned out not to be teacher, but a Death Eater. So yes, it's safe to say that public humiliation is something to which I can relate quite strongly."

Astoria allowed herself to laugh a little. "I'd always heard that before, but I didn't know it was true! How awful."

Draco gave a noncommittal shake of his head. "Anyway, don't let me interrupt, continue, please."

"Well, it certainly didn't happen overnight, but by the end of my first year I did get better. I had a few relapses up through my fourth year, but I always managed to get a grip on myself before things got too bad again. It took everything in me to force myself to overcome my aversion to eating and weight gain. But you know, sometimes I wonder if maybe all that nonsense was a good thing. I discovered that I had willpower that I didn't know I had, and I've been able to draw from that ever since."

Astoria exhaled deeply and sat up, folding her arms across her chest. She already almost hated herself for revealing something that made her seem so…vulnerable. Why had she had to go blabbing? And to Draco Malfoy, of all people…

Beside her, Draco had sat up too. She allowed herself another glance over at him, and his expression was still remarkably free from judgment. "I never would have guessed that about you if you hadn't told me. You always seem so self-assured…but I feel like I know you better now."

Astoria held his gaze. "Is that a good thing?" she asked. Draco nodded. Then, leaning closer to her, he said softly, "For what it's worth, I think you're beautiful."

Her eyes closed as his lips met hers. She felt his fingertips brush her cheek for a moment before he ran them through her hair. She reached up and cradled the back of his neck, stroking his silky hair.

It was under the warmth of the springtime sunshine that Astoria came to realize she could trust Draco Malfoy.

A/N: This is really different from anything I've written before, but I hope it worked. I know I broke one of the cardinal rules of writing and wrote an entire story in nearly all passive voice, with pretty much no action- I considered having Astoria show Draco her memory in a Pensieve, but I was really set on having them talking by the lake. I wanted her to be able to read his reactions. Reviews are always appreciated!