A/N: Hey everyone! So I wrote this little one-shot with my friend Persephone Price. She has a series of Loki/Eris stories going, and she asked me if I wanted to help write one of them because she knows how much I love Greek mythology. If you guys like Thor, Teen Wolf, or Misfits you should definitely read her stories.
This is based on an actual myth from Norse mythology, but we changed things DRASTICALLY. I hope you all enjoy it! :)
Disclaimer: We/I (she posted this under her name too) own nothing!
The Case of the Missing Hammer
It was a lovely day in Asgard. Not that it wasn't usually lovely, of course, but today was particularly pleasant. The air was brisk, as was characteristic of the season, and the sky gleamed a vivid azure. Nearly the entire realm was outdoors enjoying the blissful weather, including the Asgardian nobility.
Eris had recently caused a bit of a tiff that may or may not have resulted in the Titans being released, and was consequently spending her exile from Olympus as a guest in Odin's palace, much to the whole of Asgard's chagrin. The whole of Asgard minus Loki, of course. Because the mischievous prince had, as of late, been on his best behavior (the term must be applied loosely) for a remarkably long time, Odin was obliged (albeit begrudgingly) to permit his desire to entertain Eris. Needless to say, Sigyn was not pleased.
Eris and Loki were currently roaming the palace grounds, looking to start trouble. Anyone with half a brain darted out of their path as soon as they saw the daunting pair approach.
Thor, apparently, did not have half a brain.
"Hello, dear brother," he boomed upon seeing Loki. He was dressed in unsuitably militaristic attire, donning a bronze breastplate and cape in the middle of the garden. He was noticeably without his beloved hammer, Mjolnir. His blonde locks glimmered in sun's bright rays and his eyes twinkled in affection for his little brother.
The God of Mischief and Lies' lips twisted into a wolfish grin. "Hello, Thor," he replied.
Eris made no attempt to hide her predatory smirk. "Hello, Thor," she mimicked in an attempt to provoke the God of Thunder into addressing her. You see, Thor did not approve of Eris' "friendship" (he couldn't bear to think of it in any other terms) with Loki. In fact, he did not approve of Eris in any capacity. Her presence in Asgard greatly distressed him. He saw her as a corrupting force, particularly regarding his brother. Unlike the majority of people, Thor did not believe that Loki was truly evil. A bit misguided, perhaps, but not lacking the potential for decency. This made Eris nothing more than a setback in Loki's path to righteousness. He much preferred Sigyn.
"Greetings, Lady Eris," he said cautiously.
Eris beamed in response, causing him to grow even more unnerved.
"What, may I ask, are the two of you engaged in?" he inquired.
"Nothing much," Eris chirped naughtily.
"Yes, we are currently unoccupied," Loki confirmed.
Thor's strong brow contorted in thought; the rusty wheels in his mind were turning, and Loki eagerly awaited the pearl of knowledge that his brother was about to impart on him. Finally, he spoke. "I which to discuss with you a dilemma I have been faced with…"
"… But you do not know if you can trust me?" Eris finished.
Thor's hesitation was taken as affirmation.
"Brother," Loki started innocently, "Anything you wish to discuss with me, you may do so freely in Eris' presence."
"But Loki, I do not know if I am comfortable with your friendship with Lady Eris, given the fact that you already have a wife."
"Please tell me you are not so naïve as to think that I am the first Asgardian to associate with women who are not my wife, Thor. Why, our own father –"
"That is enough, Loki," Thor interrupted hastily, not wishing to draw attention to their father's infidelity. "The problem is this: I seem to have misplaced Mjolnir."
Loki and Eris shared a furtive moment of sheer glee; oh, how they could have fun with this!
"Misplaced?" Loki questioned, a dark eyebrow quirked in undisguised curiosity.
"Er – perhaps stolen…"
"But how? Aren't you the only one who can wield its power?" Eris asked.
"Indeed," Thor replied, "Which is why this is quite a grave problem. If any of our enemies learn that my hammer is missing, they may choose to attack. I have asked all the other gods for their assistance, but thus far no one has been able to help."
"I will help you, dear brother," Loki offered earnestly. "I think I may know who has taken it."
Do you now, dear Loki? Eris thought.
"Really? Oh, this is wonderful news! I shall forever be in your debt, if you can think of a way to retrieve it."
"Of course, but first, Eris and I must take a trip to Midgard to confirm my suspicions."
"Certainly," Thor agreed in understanding.
"Come, Eris," Loki said, extending his hand, "Let us depart."
And with that, the pair teleported to Earth.
They arrived in what appeared to be the deserted hallway of some sort of scientific research facility. They knew exactly where they were going; Loki and Eris strode confidently down the corridor and entered the first room on the left. Inside, the lights were off and there was a table and chairs in front of an enormous Plexiglas wall. The wall was clearly meant as some sort of containment enclosure, which became entirely evident when one noticed its contents. Sure enough, inside was an enormous green creature, the Hulk. Loki squinted to see that, in the very corner of the enclosure, lay Eris' Apple of Discord. He then turned on the lights, drawing the Hulk's attention.
The monster pounded on the glass in a fit of rage, but eventually grew bored when neither Loki nor Eris approached him.
"I see you've already been here, my love," Loki mused.
"Oh indeed," Eris replied flirtatiously.
"I should have known," he snorted in amusement.
"But you did know," she reminded him.
"Quite." Slowly, he stepped towards the glass. "But I don't see any hammer…"
"You know why he's in there?" Eris prompted.
"I do not."
"He's training. He's trying to learn how to control it," she explained.
"Oh? And is it working?"
"Why don't you see for yourself," she suggested with an evil grin.
Loki looked at her in pure admiration, before phasing into the cell.
The Hulk went ballistic.
"Now Bruce, Bruce," Loki shouted as he hurled forcefully from one end of the room to the other, "I come in peace!"
After several more moments of treating Loki like his most loathed ragdoll, the Hulk finally relented.
"Now," Loki huffed, straightening his coat, "I merely wish to ask you a question." His normally slicked back hair was terribly mussed and his eyes had been robbed of their usual mirth.
The emerald giant looked at the trickster expectantly.
"You see," he began slowly, "My brother has recently lost something of great value, and I happen to suspect that you might have it."
"Hammer?" the monster grunted dully.
"Yes, hammer," Loki sneered in a sickeningly sweet tone. Eris half-expected him to toss poor Bruce a dog biscuit.
"I have," he confirmed.
"You do? Brilliant! Now, I'll just be having it back…"
"No."
"No?"
"Trade."
Loki could hardly believe his ears. "You're negotiating?" he demanded disbelievingly. On the other side of the wall, Eris stifled a giggle. She thought Loki looked incredibly cute and incredibly unintimidating when dealing with the Hulk. He was obviously frazzled, given the unwarranted beating he'd just endured. "Well, what do you want?" he asked finally.
"Jane Foster."
"Jane Foster. Oh Eris, you've truly outdone yourself!" He giddily strolled over to the Apple and picked it up; "Room 121" was all that was written its surface. "Room 121," he murmured. "Wait just a moment, Bruce, I'll be back in a tick." Without further ado, he vanished into thin air. Eris followed.
Room 121 was a laboratory. There were several desks, at which various S.H.I.E.L.D. scientists co-existed. Jane was one of them. Upon seeing the two ne'er-do-wells, everyone panicked in a flutter of papers and chemicals. Some brave soul even went so far as to draw a gun. With a bored sigh, Loki raised his hand and froze the scene.
"Still Public Enemy #1, I see," Eris drawled.
"Mortals are so jumpy," he complained. He then leisurely meandered over to one of the desks that was currently unoccupied; sure enough, it was Bruce's. He moved the computer mouse to bring up the desktop. There was a password, but, with a swift smack to the top of the machine, Loki was able to bypass it. "Now," he muttered, "Let's see what you've been up to…" The first thing he did was check Bruce's browser history. All of the recently viewed sites read " : Jane Foster." He clicked on the first one, only to see a large, smiling picture of Jane pop onto the screen. "Just as I suspected… Well," he stated resolutely, "It seems as though you have caused Bruce to fall in love with Jane."
"That I have, love, that I have," Eris stated happily.
"My dear, I adore you," Loki said with a wicked grin. He then proceeded to give her a brief kiss, before lifting her small frame off the ground and spinning her around several times as she laughed melodiously. To an ignorant onlooker, they would have appeared to be the epitome of a harmlessly joyful couple. Unfortunately for Erik Selvig, Eris' foot hit him square in the face on one of the twirls.
"Whoops," she murmured insincerely.
"Thor is going to blow a gasket," Loki said, overflowing with unadulterated excitement. "Simply brilliant!" He pressed one last kiss to the crown of Eris' head, before transporting them back to Asgard.
Life in Room 121 resumed in their wake, and a very unhappy-looking Dr. Selvig fell to the floor clutching his face.
Eris and Loki sauntered into the main courtyard of the palace to greet Thor. When they arrived, Eris took a seat on top of one of the stone walls and observed the brothers interact below her as if she were watching a performance.
"Well, Thor," Loki began dramatically, "I come bearing news of Mjolnir."
"Do you?" he replied with undisguised enthusiasm.
"Yes. But the situation presents a bit of a problem."
"In what way? Who has taken it? I shall kill whatever villain dare cross the mighty Thor!" he thundered.
"It was the Hulk, you see."
"Bruce?" the other replied, thoroughly perplexed.
"Indeed. And he wishes to negotiate the return of your beloved hammer."
"But brother, I do not understand," he started, "Why would Bruce steal Mjolnir. How did Bruce steal Mjolnir?"
"Ah yes, your confusion is justifiable. I believe it all comes down to one person…"
"Who?"
"Jane Foster."
"Jane?" Thor wondered aloud, growing more bewildered by the moment. "What does my beloved Jane have to do with any of this?"
"Jane and Bruce work together in the S.H.I.E.L.D. center for scientific research. They are colleagues, Thor," he rephrased in simpler terms.
"But that does not explain how Bruce entered the realm," the God of Thunder protested.
Loki rubbed his temples in exasperation. "Yes, I'm getting to that. I believe that Jane has finally discovered a way travel between Midgard and Asgard."
"Then why has she not come to see me?" he demanded matter-of-factly.
The other man hesitated, so Eris stepped in. "Perhaps she has not deemed it safe to use just yet," she suggested. "And who better to test it than the closest thing the Midgardians have to an immortal – the Hulk."
This response seemed to pacify Thor.
"I spoke to Bruce," Loki began, "And he requested Jane by name. And we checked – what was is? The book of faces?"
"Facebook," Eris assisted with a smirk.
"Yes, the Facebook, and saw that Bruce has been courting Jane for some time now."
"I do not understand what the Facebook is," said Thor.
"It is a computer program that the Midgardians use to stalk one another – but that is irrelevant. The fact of the matter is, Bruce is only willing to trade Mjolnir for Jane's affections."
"Out of the question!" the other boomed in rage.
"But the realm is not safe without Mjolnir," Eris pointed out with hidden satisfaction.
Thor stroked his golden stubble pensively, clearly at an impasse. Finally, Loki spoke. "I have an idea," he said slyly.
"I do not like the look in your eye, brother. I have seen this look many times."
"Just hear me out – you could dress as Jane. All you have to do is convince Bruce that you are in love with him until he returns Mjolnir, after which point you may break the farce."
"That is absolutely absurd," Thor scoffed, deeply offended by the proposition.
"Yes, Loki, who is going to ever believe that Thor is a woman?" Eris piped in. "Not even the Hulk is that dense…"
"My love," (Thor fidgeted at the term), "do you doubt my sorcery? And do not be mistaken, the Hulk is a very stupid beast…"
"Is there no other way?" Thor questioned finally.
"Not one that I can think of – but please, if you have any better suggestions, do not hold back."
The looming man stared at his smaller brother in mistrust. However, he knew (unfortunately) that Loki was the cleverest god in the realm.
He sensed Thor's hesitation and added, "If it would make you feel any better, I could go disguised as Jane's human friend."
"Darcy?"
"Sure. Whatever. Such details are of no consequence."
Thor took another moment to think, before finally answering, "Alright. But you must never breathe a word of this to anyone."
"Certainly not!" Loki exclaimed, holding his hand over his heart in mock offense. Eris snickered. The Midgardians had a handy device for these sorts of events – it was called a camera.
"Fine. Just get it over with," he ordered.
The other man ruffled visibly at being bossed around, but snapped his fingers and bundle of clothing appeared. It clearly belonged to a women; Thor warily picked up a pink sundress with his thumb and index finger.
"How is this supposed to work?" he demanded. When he held the dress up, it soon became clear that he would not even be able to fit a single arm into one of the sleeves; his biceps were much too large. Of course, Thor cross-dressing was not necessary for Loki's magic to work – but Thor would never know that.
"Well first, you must take off what you are already wearing," Eris pointed out as if she were speaking to a child. Her eyes danced with sinister delight.
Thor scowled and said, "That is not at all what I meant. These garments will never fit."
With an incensed roll of his eyes, Loki snapped his fingers and the dress grew several sizes. "Now, may we proceed?"
Thor began to remove his armor and noticed Eris watching him like a hawk. "Do you mind?" he snarled.
"Not at all," she retorted without so much as flinching. She continued to unabashedly soak in the sight of his well-sculpted form. As someone who greatly disliked the god, even she had to admit that he was an impressively handsome specimen. She glanced to Loki, only to see him looking perturbed. "Something the matter?" she inquired.
His green eyes scrutinized her and she deliberately cross her legs to reveal a greater portion of her creamy thighs. Loki cocked an eyebrow at the suggestiveness of the act, but Eris only batted her lashes innocuously.
Soon, Thor was clad in the disturbingly short sundress and a white lab coat. He was more irritated than either of them had ever seen him. He looked down at himself and demanded, "Why is it not working? I still look like myself."
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Loki taunted, handing him a part of white stilettos.
Furious, Thor crammed his large feet into the shoes. After Eris and Loki had recovered from a bout of sidesplitting laughter, Loki wiped a stray tear from his eye and snapped his fingers; Thor morphed into the image of Jane Foster and his expression relaxed considerably.
"What about you," he prodded his brother.
Without a word, Loki changed into a buxom brunette that Eris presumed to be "Darcy."
Thor was outraged. "Why wouldn't you tell me you could just do that?" he shrieked, his voice absurdly feminine. He pounded his now-tiny fists against Loki/Darcy's upper arm.
"Think of it as payment for my help, brother," Loki chuckled.
With an enormous grin, Eris hopped down from the wall and morphed into the form of Loki, now towering over her two companions.
"What are you doing?" the real Loki asked dryly.
"Well, Bruce is expecting you," she noted, putting her hands on her hips in a very girly fashion. Loki eyed the proceeding in discontent, but did not dispute her claim.
"Fine," he said finally, "Let us travel to Midgard."
In Bruce's containment chamber…
When they arrived, the Hulk immediately pressed his fists against the glass and eagerly watched them approach. When he saw Jane, his misshapen face lit up. Thor looked as if he might be sick, and Eris brought Loki and Thor (or, as Bruce saw it, Jane and Darcy) into the cell.
"You see, Bruce," she announced, "I am a man of my word."
"Who is other," Bruce demanded.
"I am Darcy, Jane's friend," Loki sputtered, still not quite past his fear of the Hulk's temper, "She didn't want to be alone with Loki, so she asked me to escort her."
"True, Jane?" grunted the Hulk.
"Yes," Thor answered with thinly veiled wrath.
"Beautiful," he mumbled, using one of his enormous fingers to gingerly touch Thor's hair. It took all of Eris and Loki's self control not to burst into laughter, as Thor stood rooted in place as if he were frozen.
Eris cleared her throat. "Now, Thor's hammer?" she prompted.
Bruce ignored her. "Love me?" he asked Thor.
"Yes, very much," he answered through gritted teeth.
"See? Now, the hammer…"
"In the tunnel," the Hulk finally answered, agitated by Eris' persistence.
"The tunnel?" Eris genuinely did not know what he was referring to.
"Dr. Selvig. Tunnel to center of Earth."
"Right, well, thanks so much for your help," Loki said hastily, "We'll give you two a moment alone." He gave a bawdy wink, before he and Eris vanished.
Still in disguise, they appeared in Room 121, causing a commotion similar to the one they had induced earlier in the day. Loki clicked his tongue in annoyance and again froze the activity. He grabbed Dr. Selvig by the lapels of his lab coat and teleported them to a secluded location in the basement of the building.
"Darcy?" he demanded in disbelief. "What is going on?"
Loki scoffed and resumed his true form.
"Loki," Selvig stated grimly. His gaze flickered to Eris, who was still in Loki's form. "There are two of you."
"Very keen observation, Doctor. Now, I need to know where you've hidden my brother's hammer."
The professor looked very confused. "Thor's hammer is missing? I have no idea what you are talking about. And even if I did know where it was, I would never tell the likes of you. And that one – who is that?"
Loki sighed impatiently. "No one. That is no one. And, believe it or not, I'm here on my brother's behalf. It seems that Bruce, while in his less appealing form, has stolen Mjolnir. Consider it a courtesy that I am actually asking you, as opposed to simply making you tell me."
Realization washed over Selvig's features. No one completely knew just how applicable the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde effect was to Bruce's predicament, but it wasn't wholly implausible that the Hulk might do such a thing. While Bruce Banner's morals were noble and clearly defined, the Hulk's were not. He also knew that Loki would not be able to wield the hammer's power, so there was not much danger in telling him its location.
"Bruce and I have been working on a project when he is not training," he stated finally.
Loki broke into a grin. "Yes, I know – the 'tunnel to center of Earth.' He already told me. Where is it?"
"Come with me," he ordered, walking out of boiler room and into the stairwell. Eris and Loki followed hesitantly, unaccustomed to actually physically traveling to their destinations. The whole ordeal seemed unnecessarily cumbersome.
Selvig led them to a large room with a multitude of workers scrambling about in lab coats and goggles. They were on the first story, and the dirt floor and scaffolding made it obvious that this part of the science center had been constructed around the project. In the middle of the room lay an enormous chasm.
The three stepped down a metal staircase and walked towards the railing that encircled the tunnel. Loki climbed over the side and prepared to dive into the abyss; Eris made a move to follow him, but he stopped her.
"I must go alone, my love," he said. "One of the perks of my Jottun heritage is that I am able to lower temperatures, but I do not want to risk your safety."
To everyone in the room, this exchange must have appeared exceedingly strange, given the fact that Loki was, from their perspective, talking to his clone. Selvig furrowed his brow in puzzlement as Eris smiled and said, "Alright, I will meet you back with others." She gave him a peck on the cheek, before he calmly descended into the depths.
The time that Eris and Loki had been gone had felt like centuries to Thor. Pretending to be Jane had been far more difficult than he had ever imagined, and he often caught himself acting in a way that would not have been considered even remotely ladylike (i.e. belching when the fancy struck him – Bruce had seemed to be unexpectedly put-off by this incident).
When what he thought was his brother appeared as Darcy, he had never been happier to see him. Unfortunately for him, it was in fact Eris, not Loki.
"Have you retrieved m-Thor's hammer?" he questioned desperately.
"Loki is in the process of it. I just wanted to check on you two lovebirds and see how everything was going. You know we're supposed to meet er – your parents for dinner soon, right?"
"Bruce has proposed," Thor ground out, "Isn't that wonderful?"
"Dear me, yes," Eris giggled, "congratulations!"
"But if you say we must dine with my father and mother…"
Suddenly, Loki appeared with Mjolnir. In his possession, it was nothing more than an ordinary hammer.
"Well, Bruce, it seems you were true to your word," Loki said jovially.
"Yes, well, Darcy and I must go now," Thor said urgently. "I shall rejoin you later, Bruce."
As the three gods turned to leave, the Hulk said, "No. Wait."
They all spun around and looked at the creature expectantly. "Kiss," he said.
Loki and Eris both fell into a fit of violent coughing to conceal their roaring laughter. Thor looked positively dumbstruck, too petrified to even move as Bruce approached him.
His expression was so frightened that even the Hulk noticed something was wrong. "Why she look like that?" he growled, eying Loki mistrustfully.
"She's just so nervous," he barely managed without cackling. "She's waited so long for this m-moment." Eris elbowed him hard in the ribs to prevent him from betraying the sham with his amusement.
Convinced, Bruce continued inching his massive face towards Thor's.
Thor could take it no longer. Still in Jane's form, he extended his hand and summoned Mjolnir from Loki's grasp. He took poor, unprepared Bruce by surprise and smashed him hard in the jaw. His disguise was broken and he was restored to all his Asgardian glory. After a harsh and passionate beating from the God of Thunder, the Hulk was reduced to his human form.
Bruce weakly lifted himself from the ground, completely disoriented.
"What happened?" he muttered, cradling his jaw in pain.
"You do not remember?" Thor demanded gruffly.
"N-no," the man stammered, "In fact, I can't even remember anything from the past few days…"
Thor abruptly turned to Loki and Eris, glaring at them in pure rage. "You," he snarled.
Loki and Eris met each others eyes in a mixture of guilt and uncertainty; it was then that Thor finally noticed Eris' golden apple in the corner of the room.
"You," Thor repeated caustically.
Eris quickly summoned the Apple and reverted to her true state. "Gotta go," she said hastily. In one swift motion, she grabbed Loki's hand and saluted the others, before disappearing completely.
"ERIS, LOKI, YOU SHALL PAY!" Thor bellowed furiously, now trapped the soundproof enclosure.
And that, my dear reader, was the last time Eris was ever welcomed as a guest in Asgard.
THE END
A/N: Thanks so much for reading! Pretty please review and let us know what you think!