"I want to hold you close," I told her, my emotional state making it hard to speak.
"You can Santana. You're just being selfish. I'm telling you I'm not ready!"
Quinn was riled up, we both were. Despite us yelling in the middle of the street, angry as hell, I still wanted to pull her close to me. I wanted to pull her close, soothingly brush my hands through her hair and tell her we'd get past this. I couldn't do that though; I couldn't brush this under the mat and deny myself my deepest desire any longer in hope of just ending the argument. I'd only end up resenting Quinn for that and we'd end up right back here in a few weeks or months. The problem was that Q got under my skin. The days of enjoying each other's company and sharing secrets and happiness that turned into nights of 'casual' sex were no longer enough. I, Santana Lopez of all people, had crumbled; my resolve for never baring my heart enough to fall in love had failed me.
"Will you ever be?" I cringed at how harsh my voice was. "Or will I always remain some dirty little secret of yours?"
"That's not fair."
"Fair? Fair Q! I'm in love with you but I don't mean enough to you for you to tell people about us. Don't talk to me about what's fair!"
I watched as Quinn did her best to keep the stern look plastered on her face. She was well aware that I had feelings for her for some time now, it had been an argument we'd had numerous times, but I think her hearing that I loved her had pulled at her heart, despite the fact she didn't want it to. Her breathing slowed as she collected her thoughts. I watched as her clenched fists came undone and I knew then that whatever came out of her mouth would be her truth, one made from a place of stillness and not anger or frustration.
"I can't do this anymore."
That was the memory forcing itself through my head time and time again. It was haunting me like a tape on repeat. As if it would help I pulled the covers further over my head. It was a silly solution; almost as dumb as that thing kids do when they cover their eyes and think that that makes them invisible to everyone else too. Oh to be invisible now, that would be perfect. This isn't the real me I'll have you know; I'm normally both very active and very snarky. But I'd lost all reason to care for life. It was the middle of the day and I was in bed but I didn't care; naps were perfect for the depressed soul.
I heard the knock at the door and groaned. It seemed incessant but I wasn't about to get up. Whoever was on the other side could not possibly be worth the effort it would take me right now to get out from under all these covers and march down the hallway towards the front door. Lucky for the visitor my housemate must have been home cause I heard the door click open and muffled voices conversing. My eyes began to close again as I willed myself to sleep, shutting out the world. I cracked one eye back open though when I heard the doorknob to my bedroom rattling. It was hesitant, as if the intruder was worried, and with my attitude right now they should be. I reluctantly pushed my curled up body onto my other side so that I could curse out whoever dared disturb me.
I lost my entire vocabulary the moment my eyes met hazel ones. She, the girl I'd fallen for, the same one that ruined me, stood still clutching the door. She was visibly wet. Must be raining outside, I thought. Even without the soggy appearance Quinn's face was visibly sullen. She looked like she hadn't slept or eaten in a few days, maybe even the full week since our break up, if you could call it that.
"I don't want to be with anyone else."
Her voice was so weak it was almost as if she hadn't spoken at all. My eyes had been focused on her lips though so I knew I hadn't imagined the words. Glancing back up to her eyes I saw so many things; fear, hesitancy, longing, and lastly, hope, if only a glimmer of it.
"Quinn..." my voice broke. I probably looked equally pathetic to her right now. I at least sat up in bed, I knew there was a long winded conversation coming.
"Please don't say anything, not yet San," she said taking a step towards me, now only a few feet from where I lay in bed. "I am so scared. I'm worried what my parents will say and if I'll ever be invited home for Thanksgiving or Christmas again. I fear the look of disgust in people's eyes. I wonder what God will think. I'm scared of being with you Santana but I'm more scared of feeling like I have the past week forever. Not holding you close, or kissing you, or making you laugh is killing me. I don't want to feel so empty or broken ever again but that's how I feel when we're apart. And the amount of songs about love I've been forced to listen to, well it's like the whole universe is conspiring to remind me what an idiot I am for ever giving you up." Quinn took a breath, fighting back the tears, before continuing. "I'm sorry S, I made a mistake. You shouldn't feel like I'm ashamed of you, I was only ashamed of myself. Truth is though I would be the luckiest girl alive to have the honour of calling you my girlfriend, and that's why I'm here today, looking like a drowning rat. I'm here to profess that I love you, and I hope that despite hurting you, there's a part of you that still loves me..."
I took a few deep breaths as I let the words wash over me. Some, the ones that outlined her fears, made my heart ache. Others, the ones that spoke those three words, made it soar. I dropped my head into my hands as I forced myself to consider the best course of action here, for both of our sakes. When I turned back to Quinn I saw the pain in her eyes and I knew what I had to do. I pulled at the blankets and swung my legs over the side of the bed. Time seemed to slow as my feet hit the carpet and I stood. It took barely two steps to come face to face with the blonde. Instinctively my right hand reached out, cupping Quinn's cheek in an act of affection. As my thumb swiped at the soft skin I felt her hand cover mine and hold it there. I took both our hands from her face, letting them drop to our sides but remaining together.
"It's not just one part Q, it's my whole being that loves you." As I spoke she continued to listen, but I could tell that from that first sentence she let her body and mind relax. "Everything that is within me wants you, needs you, craves you. I can't get enough of you. That's the only assurance I have that I will do my best to never hurt you or let harm come to you, that I don't feel like I'll ever be able to live fully whole without you. I know you're scared but I think this will be the best thing for us. We can walk around in public holding hands and stealing glances without wondering if anyone we know can see us; we can share the big moments together, and clap loudly as the others' dreams come to pass; we can love without apprehension."
"I know, you're right. When did you become the smart one?"
That's all it took to break the tension, a reminder of our playful competitiveness. The girl in front of me was not just quite possibly the love of my life, she was also my best friend. I could have teased her, I could have tickled her until I once again had her at my mercy, but there was only one thing I wanted to do. I let my hands sit on her hips and I moved cautiously until my body was flush against hers. Already I felt like home, but putting my lips to hers, that was something else entirely. Her soft lips moulded perfectly to mine and the breath escaped my lungs at how good this felt. Forgetting to take things slow my tongue swiped along her bottom lip. Q didn't seem to mind though, she was quick to grant permission as her mouth opened just wide enough for me to slip my tongue in. The moan that she released at the feeling sent heat right through my body. It would have been such a loss to never hear that moan again, thankfully I didn't need to entertain such thoughts.
Quinn walked us backwards until I felt my legs hit the base of the bed. I fell back, splayed on the bed sideways, but as long as we were here I wasn't about to bother moving. I couldn't bring myself to believe the sight in front of me was real; Quinn crawling up and over my body; oh mercy. My head was fuzzy with too many thoughts, I tried to silence them by pulling firmly at Quinn's neck, beckoning her closer to me. Before she complied she pulled at the hem of my tank top, swiftly moving it up and over my head. Content with her progress so far of getting me out of my clothes I was rewarded with another of her chaste kisses.
"You're cold," I whispered as my fingers passed through her wet hair, droplets of water falling onto my bare skin.
"Hmm," she mumbled against my neck before placing a single kiss there, "you're hot."
What Q was doing to me was certainly making me so. As her tongue fervently moved across the nape of my neck I couldn't help but tingle all over. She left heat in her wake as she moved from one side of my clavicle to the other, never disconnecting her mouth from my skin. My head buried deeper into the mattress as a sense of paradise overtook me. My body reacted so easily to her touch and Quinn seemed to love that. Her fingertips worked their way around to my back and with one swift movement she had rid me of my bra. I wasn't so used to being the bottom, the submissive one, but for her I'd make an exception. Good thing too because when she took one of my hardened nipples into her mouth, swirling her tongue all over the nub, I cried out in ecstasy it felt that amazing.
"Damn Quinn, that feels so good," I panted. "I don't know how I would have lived without you, without this..."
"Good thing you won't need to find out," she husked and if she didn't make me cry out again a moment later I would have been grinning like the cheshire cat.
The way she palmed my breast as the other was still being ravished by her mouth was sending a pool of wetness straight to my core. Everything was on fire, everything was happening at once as my back would arch up and my lungs would struggle for air. Quinn didn't even make me beg tonight, like she often enjoyed doing. Instead, sensing I was ready for her, she snaked her hand past the material of my sleep shorts and quickly through my folds.
"Fuuu..." I winced, choking on my words at the feeling. My senses couldn't keep up with Quinn's actions.
"Let me take care of you babe," Quinn said soothingly, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead before getting back to work.
Easily sliding two fingers into me Q made quick work of curling her fingers in and out with every flick of her wrist. I think my eyes were popping out of my head by this stage. I'm sure she could feel my walls tightening eagerly around her fingers as a smirk grew across her face. She built me up slowly at first, seemingly enjoying my breathy moans and the desperate way I was clinging to the sheets. It was a poor attempt of staying grounded as Quinn took me to new heights of pleasure. I was writhing beneath her with every thrust, her ministrations now more fast and hasty. I bit at my lip.
"God Quinn that feels so...goood...ahh I'm close," I husked.
"Not yet babe, I'll let you know when the time has come."
My eyes rolled back in my head as I took in the thought that Quinn had more she wanted to do to me before I came. If it was possible Quinn's pace only picked up more as she thrust in and out of me, burying her knuckles deeper into my entrance. A loud throaty moan left my body as I felt Quinn's thumb swipe at my clit. The bundle of nerves by this stage very much engorged, the feeling that gripped me was pure pleasure. I don't remember ever feeling so weightless.
"Q...Q...I can't hold on any longer..." I whined.
"Alright babe, let go," she instructed.
I did. I succumbed to the powerful orgasm that ripped through me. As my juices flooded over her fingers I cried my lover's name out so loudly I could only hope my housemate and already left the vicinity. If not she was definitely now aware Quinn and I had made up. As I willed my eyes back open I found Quinn watching the way my chest would rise and fall with every breath. Her fingers still buried in me she took my lips in a passionate kiss. My body still so dizzy her tongue quickly won the battle for dominance, I had no fight left in me. As she slowly removed her fingers and cuddled into my side I held her to me. My arm wrapped around her petite body and held her close, tightly as if I was scared I could lose her again. This girl made my heart soft and my body a pile of mush, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I was happy being fragile, but only around her, cause I knew now she'd be there to put me back together.
"Thank you Santana," she whispered ever so softly, but ever so sincerely.
"For what babe?" I asked, certain I should be the one thanking her. Not only had she come back to me but she had just given me the best orgasm of my life. Her answer though warmed my heart and only made me love the girl in my arms more.
"You set me free."