My friend and I made a joke once about Bob attending a Halloween party and wondering what he would dress up as, which inspired this story. I really like how this turned out, it seems like a cute idea and something that could have ended up on an episode of The Simpsons. Maybe.
Had so much fun making the cover art for this story, too! I've never drawn knight armor before so I spent a lot of time scrolling through images of fantasy knight armor on Google to get ideas and figure out how armor should look, and also incorporating what I imagined his armor to look like into the picture.
Please enjoy, and if any of you are following my Twilight Racer story, I'm sorry I've left you waiting for months for new stuff! I'm not gonna lie, I'm out of ideas for that story for now. But I promise not to just leave it forever. Eventually, you WILL get a new chapter. Hopefully soon.
Sir Robert The Knight ONESHOT
The kingdom of Springfield, just on the other side of yonder, impossible to locate on a map. And yet, it seemed that everyone ended up here eventually.
At this particular time of day, which would be mid-morning, the market was bustling with activity. Citizens traded shillings for a loaf of freshly baked bread, or a piece of warm clothing. Winter had nearly completed its journey to the kingdom, with the last leaves of autumn having fallen weeks ago. The bitter winter wind had made itself at home without many noticing. It was a time to stock up on goods before the kingdom went into its annual dormancy.
For one man, attaining comfort this winter would be a daunting, arduous task. Robert Underdunk Terwilliger. 36 years old, handsome, well educated (as was the rest of his family), with a mess of curly dark red hair and an outstanding singing voice.
Robert stood in the middle of the square, reading aloud from a sheet of paper his latest masterpiece. Robert adored literature you see, and was determined to earn a living by sharing his artistic work with the world. "To what, I declared, a frivolous pastime, I came to realize, was the pinnacle of my being. Arduously pursuing that which could not be touched but touches everyone. The invaluable essence of a truly noble hero."
So elegantly put, would you not agree? Unfortunately, such talent was wasted in this environment.
Robert stumbled backwards when a ripe red tomato collided with his face, splattering all over him. He grumbled in frustration as the townspeople who bore witness to the attack burst into hysterical laughter. "Throw another one!" somebody hollered.
Robert's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as he barely dodged the advancing projectile. Grabbing his paper and the empty hat which was set on the ground for coins, he retreated. The crowd pursued him down the street, and he still had a ways to go before he reached his home. A hand suddenly protruded from a dark alley adjacent to him and pulled him into darkness. The crowd passed by, having been around the corner and not witnessing the man's rescue. Robert gasped, bent over, catching his breath, until he stood, gathering his unruly red curls and securing them under his hat.
"Thank you brother," Robert breathed, turning to the younger man who stood at the edge of the alley, watching the mob vanish from sight.
Cecil Terwilliger turned to face his brother with a frustrated, tired frown. "Your stubborn arrogance has already come to be your undoing. Why do you not stop while the damage is minimal?"
"I guarantee you, Cecil, if I could just have one hour in the royal court, I'd be the talk of the town, and I'd finally receive the praise and love I deserve!"
"You are chasing a pipe dream, brother," Cecil responded with a sigh and a shake of his head. "The queen is so busy with her children, she would have no time to meet with you, and the king is a drunken fool, entertained by slapstick and crude jokes. Your chances there are no better than here." His gaze locked on a passing figure and he smiled, gesturing. "If you want attention, you'll have to live with the enemy. Look at Krusty. He is the village idiot, but he earns more schillings in a day than we would earn together in two weeks!"
Robert watched the crude clown stretch taught the string of a bow as he aimed the arrow at a shaking Sideshow Mel, who held an apple in his outstretched palm. At the last moment, Sideshow Mel threw the apple up in the air and ducked for cover as Krusty released the arrow. It shot up in the air, way off target, and lodged in the wooden frame of a window. A woman, who happened to be undressing at that time and for some reason had not bothered to close the shutters, screamed and proceeded to close said shutters angrily. Witnesses laughed and pointed, and then clapped as Krusty took a deep bow.
Robert's eyes narrowed and he scoffed at the man. His hat suddenly burst off of his head and his curly hair sprung out in all directions, returning to the odd, very unprofessional palm-tree appearance it usually had. No matter how much he combed it, he tied it, he did anything, it would spring back out. Maybe he was just cursed.
He stooped to retrieve his hat, but a sudden wind brushed it away from his fingers and out into the open square. "Damn it," he grumbled, reluctantly stepping back out into the light and approaching the escaping hat again.
"Hey hey, what's this?" the gravelly voice of Krusty greeted Robert's ears as the hideous clown stopped beside him. "Lovin' the locks! You use something to keep it that way?"
"No. Unfortunately, I was cursed from birth with this unruly mess." Robert responded, reaching up to secure his hat.
Krusty grabbed his arm to stop him. "No, don't hide it! It looks great! It's just the thing I need for my performance!"
"What... what are you implying, sir? That I join your little act?"
Krusty nodded and grinned. "Whadda ya say, pal?"
Robert opened his mouth, about to reply with a sarcastic remark, when he stopped, recalling his brother's words from only moments ago. He turned to look at Cecil, who gave him a thumbs up from the shadows of the alley. Robert turned back to Krusty with a sigh. Then he smiled, looking up at the clown. "I would be honored, sir!"
Robert stood in the middle of the square, repeating the trick he had seen Krusty attempt with Sideshow Mel. Robert gulped nervously, having seen how lousy a shot Krusty was, but didn't plan to run away like a coward. Amazingly, Krusty managed to pierce the apple, and it stuck in a door on the other side of the square. Robert and Krusty grinned and turned to their audience, but were disappointed to see a small handful of people yawn and look away in boredom.
WHAM!
His vision suddenly blurred, and Robert stumbled backwards as he realized he had just been struck with a pie from the audience. He rose from the ground, wiping pie from his face, vision still a little blurry as he squinted and attempted to walk. There was no way he would have seen the rake lying on the ground before he stepped on the end of it. The handle sprung up in the air and smacked him painfully in the face with a loud WHACK!
He muttered incoherent, angry words, throwing the rake aside. When he looked up, he realized the crowd had multiplied, and they were laughing, cheering, and pointing. He smiled, taking a bow. At least something good came of that unpleasant ambush.
"Way to go, Sideshow Bob!" Krusty grinned as he approached him with Mel trailing behind. "The crowd loves your incompetence! Let's keep it up!"
Robert frowned. "Um, if I may interject, I don't intend to repeat this little mishap, thank you very much. It isn't exactly a pain-free procedure."
"Bob, Bob, Bob…" Krusty shook his head, patting Robert on the shoulder with a gloved hand. "It just doesn't work that way! You gotta cater to your audience! They wanna be dining on a nice, juicy slapstick and dirty jokes burger, not an upper class, witty salad! The pain stays, and we're gonna kick it up a notch!"
Robert, Mel, and Krusty performed over a dozen acts, quickly becoming the talk of the town. One day, when the trio was executing the grand finale, a knight rode into town on horseback. The audience dispersed as the knight leapt off his steed and approached Sideshow Bob. Robert's eyes widened. "Robert Underdunk-Terwilliger," the knight boomed in a deep voice from beneath his helmet. "You have been summoned to the castle by the queen herself. You must come with me to the castle immediately."
Robert gulped nervously but nodded and followed the knight up the long, winding path to Springfield Castle. The colossal doors opened to reveal the throne room, and on the other end, Queen Marjory sat, her arms resting on the armrests, with her daughters Princess Lisa and Princess Margaret imitating her on the right, and her buffoon of a husband King Homer and their son Prince Bartholomew on the left.
Queen Marjory roughly elbowed her husband, who had fallen asleep in his throne. "Homey, wake up! The citizen is here! The one I told you about!"
"Huh? Wha- oh," Homer cleared his throat and sat up straight in his throne. "Step forward, citizen! My wife has something of great importance to share with you."
Robert complied, lowering to one knee and bowing to the king and queen.
"Robert Terwilliger of Springfield," Marjory began, her voice projecting to all corners of the royal throne room. "I have heard much of you: your exceptional talents with the spoken word, your admirable singing, and, most recently, your work within the field of comedy. You are a truly inspiring man."
"Indeed I am," Robert nodded, a smile creeping over his face at the mention of his success and talent as he executed another, shallower but equally fluid bow.
"Unfortunately, I will not lie, it is underappreciated in a kingdom like Springfield. I understand you are struggling financially." The slightest indication of a frown swept over her face as she said this. "While I would suggest you pursue literary work elsewhere, I fear that is not possible for you. I do not wish to see such a good man wander down such a dark and sorrowful road."
Robert boldly stared into the queen's eyes, searching her words and her face for hints of what she was implying.
"I hereby invite you into the circle of the royal guard. To train to become one of Springfield's noble and inspiring knights. To serve with loyalty and a strong desire to protect this kingdom and its people. You would be paid more than enough to sustain yourself and your family comfortably, while knowing the honor of being a hero. I hope you will accept my proposition. I anticipate that you will, though in the event you reject my offer, you are free to walk away without consequence."
Robert could not believe the words that were flowing from Queen Marjory's lips. It was like an offer sent from heaven. An unimaginable opportunity. Something he could only dream of. Finally, something worthy of his talents and his time.
"Queen Marjory," Robert responded, lowering his gaze. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest. "It is a great honor to be offered such a bright and hopeful future. I gladly except."
For the next three months, Robert trained hard to become a devoted and skilled knight. "Hey, you're pretty good at this," a fellow knight commented as Robert slashed at a dummy with his sword, Finishing the battle with an acutely aimed blow, straight through the chest. The knight winced. "Maybe a little too stabby, though. I guess that's your thing though, hey?"
Robert stood, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Indeed. I am ready to complete my training."
"Good," Robert turned around to see Marjory approaching. "Because I am sending you on a quest as part of your final training. Just east of here is the kingdom of Greathorn. Their princess, Ella, was captured by a horrible monster and locked away in the Forgotten Woods. You job is to slay the beast and return the princess safely to her home." Queen Marjory shook her head and added, "I can only imagine how difficult this must be for her parents to lose their daughter. I hope nothing ever happens to Lisa or Maggie…"
"Fear not, Queen Marjory, I will carry out the necessary actions and return the fair princess safely to her home in the Castle Greathorn." With that, Robert turned and leapt onto his noble steed, racing off to the Forgotten Woods.
Upon entering the dense forest, Robert began following the dirt path. He passed a large rock. Then a waterfall. Then another rock. Then another waterfall. Then he realized it was the same scenery from before. "I'm going in circles!" he groaned. With a sigh, he retrieved the map from his bag and studied the barren blotch on the map. The few details shown depicted a stone wall, and then what looked like a coin. But there were no paths showing where in the vast forest they might be.
"Are ye havin' a bit o' trouble, lad?" Robert turned in the direction of the voice and a sprite emerged from the bushes. "Perhaps I could point ye in the right direction?"
"Be gone, leprechaun," Robert narrowed his eyes at the Celtic sprite. "I am no fool. I know better than to trifle with magic."
"Ah, there's a smart lad," the leprechaun nodded. "Have to admire that. So many are tempted by the allure o' me pot o' gold. I'm sure it would be more than enough to feed you and yer family all winter."
Robert stiffened. He was about to ask how the sprite knew of his financial problems, but stopped. He was a magical being, after all. Who knows what he was capable of? Mind-reading? Visions of the future? There were countless ways the sprite could have known. He wasn't about to let the leprechaun have the upper hand by catching him off guard.
"But…" the leprechaun advanced towards Robert slowly, a dangerous and mischievous smile on his face. "I suppose there are other things that prevent ye from desiring me gold. Fame. The lass awaiting you in the tower o'er that way," he jabbed a thumb over his shoulder. "The schillings ye have stored in yer bag…"
The horse reared up in alarm when the sprite came too close and Robert crashed to the ground. Before he could get up, the sprite leapt toward him, retrieving the pouch of coins from his bag and racing off with giddy laughter. As Robert stumbled to his feet, a loud yelp was heard along with the sound of rushing water. Robert stared in shock as the water seemed to defy gravity, holding the leprechaun upside down around one ankle. Another wave wrestled the bag of coins from the sprite's hand. "Put me down, ye cursed hag!" the leprechaun screeched angrily. "And give me back me schillings!"
The waterfall parted, and instead of an old, withered hag like the leprechaun had described, he saw a young woman, with hair the color of the twilight sky and eyes a mysterious shade of golden brown. The waterfall closed behind her as she walked across the surface of the pond, grabbing the bag of coins from the wave and extending it out to Robert. "I believe this is yours?"
"Thank you," Robert replied, taking the bag.
"Never mingle with the spirits of the forest," she advised. She turned back to the sprite with narrowed eyes and suddenly the water released him, and he landed in the water with a splash and a loud scream. She returned her gaze to Robert. "Though I suppose you're thinking you shouldn't trust me, either. Be that as it may, I know why you're here. The princess and the tower are that way," she pointed the same way the leprechaun had. "There's a wall just past those trees, with an archway. Stepping through the arch is the only way you will gain access to the secret tower where she's held, because it's in another realm."
"Why are you helping me?"
"Regardless of the names he calls me," she jabbed a thumb towards the now soaked leprechaun. "Not all of us are vile, wicked creatures. I may be a river witch, but I am no enemy of yours."
Robert climbed back onto his horse, saying goodbye to the river witch and heading down the path she mentioned to him. As she had said, the wall was there, and something, like a pink, transparent screen or veil, seemed to cover the archway. When Robert passed through, he found an enormous fortress awaiting him, with a tower spiraling up to nearly scrape at the clouds.
At the top of the stairs, Robert rapped loudly on the wooden door, and it opened to reveal a beautiful princess with golden locks and sea blue eyes. "Oh! You… you're here to rescue me, aren't you?" Princess Ella said in surprise. "You shouldn't be here. He won't like it."
"Who won't like it?" Robert inquired, out of breath from ascending the stairs to the tower.
"I know I won't."
Robert and Ella turned to see a demonic, red creature standing in the doorway with menacing eyes. "We hope you enjoyed your stay at Fort Burns, but now it's time for you to go." The creature opened its jaws and a blaze erupted from its mouth. Robert rolled out of the way, and Ella retreated to safety at the other end of the room. Springing to his feet, the noble knight charged towards the demon with his blade drawn. The creature side-stepped when Robert lunged, and it knocked Robert off his feet with its long tail. Rolling onto his back, Robert managed to block with his shield just in time before another blaze nearly hit him. Robert pushed back against the flames, scorching the beast with its own fire, and it screeched. When Robert was once again standing, he regarded the creature cautiously, waiting to see what move it would make. When its tail moved backward, about to strike at him, with a flick of his wrist the sword collided with the tip of the demon's tail and sliced it clean off. So this is how it must be done, Robert thought as he blocked another burst of flames. The tail whipped at him again and he swung again. Another breath of fire. Robert ducked out of the way, spinning and slashing the creature
Like my poetry, it must be refined.
Another hit.
Polished.
Another flick of the tail. Robert jumped over it and sliced. There was no more tail.
Quick and to the point.
He slid under a blaze of fire from the beast.
"To what, I declared, a frivolous pastime," Rising to his feet, he blocked another burst of flames just in time, the heat from the fire causing him to sweat. "I came to realize, was the pinnacle of my being." He pushed forward against the flames, until he stood in front of the creature. "Arduously pursuing that which could not be touched but touches everyone." When the creature ceased its fire breath, Robert lunged, ending the demon's life with a lethal stab to the chest. "The invaluable essence of a truly noble hero."
The creature fell to the ground, lifeless, and Robert exhaled, sheathing his sword. "I have finally found it. The essence, of a true hero." Movement caught his eye and he directed his gaze upward to Ella, back against the wall, staring in a mix of shock and horror. He had forgotten she was there.
He bowed.
"And scene."