Carth Onasi. His image is burned into the backs of my eyelids, and even now, deep in meditation, his voice comes to me in my head, making my heart flutter. He's even invaded my dreams of late — the dreams that are not nightmares of my old life, at least — though I can't say I mind the invasion. They have become the reason that I seek rest at the end of the day. I wake from these dreams in a sweat, my bedding twisted and matted around me, and often I am reaching for a man who is not there, who has never shared my bed outside of my dreams. These dreams fill me and yet leave me wanting more. They are dreams of desire, of passion, of lust, and I am willing to risk the nightmares for a chance to experience them again.
Lust. It is what led me down my dark path in the first place. The lust for power, admiration, and recognition, to be sure — I had tasted those in the Mandelorian Wars, and I wanted more — but it was more than that. I lusted after the universe itself, not only to control it, but to hold it close to me and make it a part of me. To squeeze it until there was nothing left, or swallow it whole. This lust led me in search of others who had felt this lust and would understand it. It was this lust that led me to the Star Forge.
Like all Jedi, I had been taught at a young age that I should control my emotions, but it was never very high on my list. I felt joy and wonder in the world around me, in the Force and the way it emanated from everything. Why stifle joy? So I could become old and leathery like the Jedi Masters? They would be bitter, if only they felt enough emotion to feel bitter. No, joy would be my salvation, I thought. How could anyone give into the Dark Side when the universe was so beautiful?
But when the Mandelorians attacked, that joy turned to anger, and rightly so. The innocent lives which brought me so much joy were being snuffed out by this war. The innocence of the universe itself was threatened, and I had the power and the strength to stop it. I would have followed the Jedi Masters, had they chosen to act, had they felt the anger which I felt at the slaughter of innocents. But no, they felt nothing, and they were willing to sit by while my joy was killed. I was not willing, not when I knew I could stop it.
Because of my anger, I used my strength to wage war on the Mandelorians. Through strength I gained power, through power I gained victory. If only I had known the Sith code then, I might have turned back in time. But I did not see that my strength was my weakness. I did not see that by acting to save the source of my joy, I damned myself. I was the hero of the Republic! I had saved thousands of innocent lives! How could that be wrong? The Jedi Masters also said that joy was an emotion to be avoided, and they were so obviously wrong on that one, so they must be wrong here, too. Saving the universe could not be wrong.
And yet I had lost sight of joy. I had saved the universe to save my joy, but in the process had forgotten all about it. Lust took up residence instead, and no celebrations of victory or ceremonies to honor me could have lasted long enough. I wanted more. I wanted the universe itself. I think I mistook that lust for the universe for my joy of old.
But here I am once again. Even after all I've been through, all I've atoned for, lust has entered my heart once again. I have come to peace with the universe, and find joy in it once again, and yet lust haunts my dreams, and I do not have the strength to push it away. Could giving in to this lust lead me once more down the dark path? Could Carth Onasi be my undoing?
I clear my mind and start over from scratch. I will not stop feeling joy. The Jedi Masters can say what they like of it, but without joy, what point is there to life? No, I will not give up joy, not ever. I still believe it can be my salvation, that it can be more of a strength than a weakness.
And what of love? Bastilla said that love is a dangerous emotion for Jedi, and Yuthera Ban said that it led to hate and anger more often than not. But like joy, I cannot believe that it is evil.
But wasn't it love that led Carth to his desire for vengeance, his desire to kill Saul Karath? Love for his dead wife and lost son, love for a home planet that would never be the same. Was his desire for vengeance wrong, then? I cannot think that it was. Maybe I am too weak to look at my own actions and see that I was wrong to go to war against the Mandelorians, but I still do not believe that. War and vengeance and death are justified to save or avenge that which is good and joyous in this universe. And even if war and killing are wrong, I do not think that the fault lies with love.
And what of passion? Without passion, love is only comradery, fraternal love at best. That is not what I want from Carth, and I do not think it would be enough to keep him at my side —
— Is that really what I want?? To keep Carth at my side, whatever the cost? How is that not lust? I want to have him with me, yes, but what if he doesn't want that? Am I just justifying the lust I truly feel by naming it passion instead? Is this not what I did before: justifying actions and emotions, calling them by different names so as to hide from myself where I was headed? If the fault does not lie with love, is passion then to blame?
No. Passion and lust are different things. If the passion is mutual, then lust can be avoided, can it not? I can want to be with Carth without wanting to own him, to possess him.
If passion is mutual. Is love even mutual, between us? I believe it is, or could be, but what does Carth think, what does he feel? If love and passion are mutual, then we will stay together, but if they are not…? What happens to lust when love is denied?
This line of thought has effectively ruined my meditation for the day. The trinkets and datapads that had been floating around me had dropped at some point, unnoticed by me. I wonder if my lack of concentration has been noticed by my Jedi companions? I guess I should be thankful that Carth is not Force Sensitive. I do want to know what he feels about all this, but I would rather he find out some other way than the shock waves I must have been sending out through the Force…
Ah well. Its just about bed time anyway, isn't it?