the field guide to forever
by Nanaho-Hime
Disclaimer: I own nothing
For Pepperashesnikki's Perpetual Pairing Challenge
After he's gone she doesn't really believe in anything anymore because, after he's gone, the world gets a little less bright and her heart gets a little bit smaller. She thinks that maybe he took a little bit of it with him when he died, but she can't be too sure, maybe the war just made her a little bit colder.
The memorial they give him is so disgustingly not him because absolutely no one laughs and its bullshit, that's what it is. This isn't a service for Fred, this a service for sadness and loss and, damn it, she doesn't need that, no one needs that, Fred doesn't want that.
She doesn't stay for the speeches, she doesn't cry and she certainly doesn't want to look at George.
(he looks as empty as she feels)
She dreams of red hair and laughter cut short and eyes that twinkle. She remembers mischievous grins and she remembers rolling her eyes and, God, right now, she wishes she never rolled her eyes. She wishes she'd just held him while he was here and there are nightmares; nightmares of laughing ghosts that come tantalizingly close, laughing ghosts that she can never quite reach.
(it kind of breaks her heart)
He's the first person she's ever loved, and she was stupid for thinking that he was immune. Immune to the reaper because despite his liveliness and his brightness and his stupid cocky, bravery he's just as susceptible to death as everyone else. It almost makes her want to throw up, because it tells her goodness, it can die too.
(and she doesn't want to believe that, not for the world)
It's stupid and naïve and she knows this, but she truly thought that they were forever. He's gone and so is her forever and it doesn't make any sense. She hates that. She's never understood it but forever isn't really forever, and forever? It should come with a field guide or a disclaimer or something so that when it finally does vanish in that puff of smoke (or that ugly flash of green) it won't feel like the ground has disappeared.
She doesn't like to think of him cold in the ground. She likes to think that forever followed him to wherever he went, and that when she's done with pain and sadness and a lifetime of left behind he'll be waiting for her in forever.
She hopes.
(forever is where you are, so when you go, it goes with you)
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