Short one of Bucky and Natasha. Set after Natasha has her memories of them as a couple erased by Leon in Ed Brubaker's run. I was so sad when that happened because I really shipped them. Still do.
Seeing her again was almost too much. The way she smiled. They way she laughed. Even the way she talked. All of these things were too much. How could you go from being loved by someone so strongly and then altogether not at all? Sometimes she would catch him looking at her and look back questioningly. He would turn away because he couldn't justify telling her. He couldn't justify telling her things she couldn't remember and tormenting her with the truth. A forgotten love affair like theirs wasn't worth the pain. Wasn't worth her pain.
Still when he watched her lips he could remember them so very well. Sometimes he could feel them on his just and sometimes he could remember her touching him. The caress of her hands, the warmth of her body and words and it was almost too much. He hated that he could remember. Steve tried to talk to him but he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to be told comforting things. He wanted the pain because it meant that someone, somewhere in the worlds remembered that they were supposed to love each other. Even if she couldn't. He had to remember. Had to remember how it was supposed to be. They needed to love each other.
Now suddenly the bed that had never seemed too big before felt empty and cold and the place where she had lain was like a hollow. Some nights he slept in the couch just so he wouldn't reach over and feel that she wasn't there. Some nights he didn't sleep.
Working with her was painful. There were so many things he wanted to say. So many things he needed to say and now couldn't. He wanted to tell her he loved her. Wanted to tell her she was beautiful. Wanted to say something, anything that wasn't about a mission. He missed their banter. He missed her teasing. Now she was polite but nothing more. Nothing more than friendly. How could you go from loving someone so fiercely to nothing? He couldn't.
Some days he came close to letting something slip but in the end he managed himself. He kept quiet and never said too much.
Days went on and he smiled when he saw her and he knew others saw that it hurt. He knew Steve knew but he didn't want to talk about it. He didn't even know what to say. He just wanted her back. So now he pretended that he didn't care and people left him alone about it. But no one believed him and life was so much emptier without her in it. Time passed and things that had seemed important suddenly didn't and he saw that in himself and it hurt just as much.
When he passed her in the tower she nodded to him but didn't smile and he thought he might die because once she had smiled for him. Not to him, not at him, but for him and that had been glorious. It wasn't fair and it wasn't good. It wasn't right and he wanted to scream about it. They had been so good and now they were nothing. How did the world go one turning when something like that happened? He couldn't fathom it. Maybe no one could. Maybe he wasn't supposed to.
Didn't really influence the fic too much but I was listening to Bruce Springsteen's The River when I wrote this. Really good and heartbreaking song.
Thanks for reading.