No Amount of Therapy…
By: MoonClaimed
Summery: The Elric Brothers finally found what they were after, but their sanity might have been better off if they hadn't… (Utter Crack/ slight, joking Elricest)
"No amount of therapy will ever make this moment okay."
~Timmy Turner, The Fairly Odd Parents
Waiting on a three mile long line and tapping his foot, Edward Elric once again found himself astounded at the lengths he was willing to go to humor his little brother. Intellectually he knew that Al was easily entertained, but… really? A freaking fortuneteller? Al so owed him for this one…
After what seemed like hours but was actually only about twenty minutes (the line had dwindled substantially as people shied away from Alphonse's imposing, bouncing, form) the brothers pushed their way through the heavy curtains that substituted as a door for the mystic's dwelling.
"Welcome, young travelers," an airy voice drifted to them from deep within the tent. Following the voice, they could just make out the form of an aging woman through the heavy, swirling smoke that obscured the room.
As Ed indulged his lungs in a coughing fit, Alphonse excitedly made his way over to the woman bent low before a small table. Once Ed's coughs died down she spoke again. "Tell me, how I might help two such weary souls as yourselves?"
"You're the fortuneteller," Ed muttered sullenly, "why don't you tell us?" Al smacked his brother upside the head without so much as turning around. Practice made perfect, after all.
"Ah," She called softly, as she started to sway to a melody only she could hear, "I can see it now…"
"Oh, good. I was worried there for a second."
Al slapped him again and added a glare for good measure. Ed crossed his arms and contented himself with grumbling quietly about no-good-unappreciative-glaring-without-a face-armor and who-was-the-big-brother-here-anyway-damnit. Al, ready and willing to ignore his elder, eagerly turned back to the woman.
"You are on a difficult journey," she informed them, "beset by both peril and strife, and yet you persevere. You are searching for something…"
Ed rolled his eyes-
"…a stone of legend."
-and choked on his own spit.
"But… it is not the stone you seek, only that which it might grant you…"
Ed leaned forward breathlessly. All of a sudden, this whole 'fortuneteller' business didn't seem quite so stupid.
"But this is a wicked path; on such a quest you will only lose your way. Instead... seek out not the stone, but… love. Yes, for only truest love might yet set right what you have made wrong."
…Nope. He had been right. The air was downright teeming with stupidity. Ed could only dismally hope that it wasn't contagious—because if it were, The Elric Clan™ was already doomed.
But no, they might yet get out of this whole and sane because at this latest declaration Al had stopped bouncing and—had it been physically possible for him to do so—he would be blinking dumbly.
"Um… Ma'am?" The oversized boy began timidly, "I don't think-"
"Yes!" She exclaimed heatedly, completely ignoring her costumers, "Love! Love is the answer. Love and one kiss true…"
Ed slapped a hand over his eyes and silently promised himself that the next time they encountered someone he knew was certifiable, he would avoid them for once in his freaking life.
Al squeaked, "Y-you want me to kiss someone?"
"Not just someone," the woman huffed, " Someone important."
"…Like Winry?" Al questioned himself. He didn't seem half-upset by the idea.
"No."
"But-"
"No!"
After a moment of thought, and kicking himself all the while, Ed tentatively suggested, "Hawkeye?"
"No."
"Roze?" Al tried.
"Nope."
"Lieutenant Ross?"
"Negatory."
"…Granny Pinako?"
"…Ew."
"But…but I don't know any other women!" Al wailed desperately.
"Wait just one cotton-picking minute," Ed grated, "You don't even know who we're talking about!"
"The spirit world lends my inner eye all such answers," the clairvoyant explained patiently, as one might to a small dog or a particularly dim-witted child.
"Then who exactly, in your great cosmic wisdom, would you suggest?" Ed demanded.
She turned to stare at them with blank, unseeing eyes. "I sense," she whispered, for their ears only, "that you hold each other's hearts most dear."
"What?!" Ed screeched shrilly, voice three full octaves higher then any self-respecting male would ever forgive himself for. He breathed raggedly for a moment, eyes wide and fists clenched.
"Are you actually trying to convince me, after all of this, that… that," he gestured wildly, "that all I have to do to return Al to his body is freaking reach up and-" he cut off with a snarl, whirled around, and planted a wet one on his brother's faceplate, "-is do that! You're an idiot! A moron! A blithering—" His rant was cut short by a sudden burst of blue-white light.
A beat of silence.
"B-brother?"
"…You have got to be shitting me."
A/N: I hope you enjoyed it! Now go review! But more importantly, I want your opinion. I have other short fics like this one waiting in the wings (the next is called "Not So Well-Adjusted") that I might want to put as further chapters. Would anyone be interested in reading them?