Okie-dokie! It's a fic, that my cousin and I frequently discuss when we spend time together. It may be the most retarded fic you will ever read. Its an overused theme and the first chapter is kinda actionless. But enjoy! Let's do this thing!

:.Perfectly Periwinkle.:

-Prologue

"Noooo!" Ansem whined, banging his head on the wall. "How-could-I-Lose!"

"Shut up," Sephiroth commanded, reshuffling the deck that they were playing poker with. This was one of those nights, the kind where Ansem was distressed beyond his sanity and/or what was left of it. So he found it an opportune to get together with his poker buddies for a night of hard-core drinking and gambling. Unfortunately, Ansem wasn't much of a "people person", and had no poker buddies, only Sephiroth. Sephiroth, as he put it, was no drinker, completely sober. And while Sephiroth wasn't the best poker player either, he could brag that on those nights that Ansem lost his pride, his pockets were a little heavier.

Ansem took of whatever kind of ale was within reaching distance, trying ever so futilely to calm his nerves. "Ah, that Sora child. Little meddling fool. He will pay". He continued on with girlish rambling that made his amigo twitch.

"What the hell am I, a psychiatrist?" he mumbled, glancing over at Ansem who just kept on talking, popping the cap of yet another alcoholic drink. Sephiroth reached over and wrestled the bottle out of the raving-lunatic's grip.

"I'm cutting you off," Sephiroth said chuckling slightly despite himself. "I think you've had too much."

Ansem's face contorted into a disgruntled frown. "Too much…? Too much! I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD TOO MUCH!" he shrieked, snatching the bottle back out of Sephiroth's hands. Smirking slightly, he raised it to his mouth and downed the whole thing with a content sigh.

Sephiroth cringed inwardly as three (give or take) bottles of expensive wine were disposed of in a similar fashion. He couldn't help think what kind of hangover Ansem was gonna have in the morning; it was going to be a doozy. This was inevitable of course. The moment Ansem had said "Seph-buddy-ol'-pal, do ya wanna play poker tonight?" he had known to bring a bucket and some Ibuprofen. If he was lucky, Ansem would stop drinking soon. Seph's inner voices laughed at such a suggestion.

"H-eeeeeeeeeey, Sephy," Ansem mumbled, his words slurring together slightly. "I'm feelinkinda wooozy. Woudja, Woudja…?"

"Would I…?"

Ansem smiled lazily. "Help me get smore…d…rinks?"

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. Indeed the poor man had finished every bottle set in front of him, but was it possible to put any more alcohol in his system? "Ansem, I don't think…" He paused, thinking back a moment.

flashback

"Ansem your drunker than a hobo in San Francisco, there is no way in hell I'm going to go and get you more" Sephiroth said, after whipping Ansem in every card game in existence and claiming a rather large pot in munny.

Ansem chuckled a bit… before, of course, he realized that meant no more drinking. "WHAT! What kind of friend IS you!" His golden eyes burn an eerie flickering yellow as shadows began to fill the room. "Consider this a gift from the DARK SIDE OF THE HEART!" Out of the ceiling fell a humongous Behemoth heartless, who looked almost as pissed as Ansem. At that particular moment, its hooves and horns looked particularly sharp and pointed, dark power swelling, collected and ready to blast…

end flashback

"I mean, why can't you get it yourself?" Sephiroth ended smoothly, not wanting to relive that moment. Fifteen stitches and six some helpful Jenova cells later, Sephiroth had been able to heal. Even blitzed, Ansem could be one crazy-ass villain.

Ansem blinked lazily, almost in slow motion. "Mmmkay, I'll try" Sluggishly, Ansem attempted to push himself out of the chair, but dizziness kicked in, and pathetically fell face first into the floor. "Uuuuurrrrrrr," Ansem moaned, face down on the carpet.

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Sephiroth felt an inch of what may have been pity, for the poor pathetic man hugging the floor. "Fine, fine," he muttered, ready to slap himself. "I'll help you, but whatever happens, you brought this upon yourself". Tugging the supposed seeker of darkness to his feet, he had to half-drag him down to the wine cellar. Ansem would have certainly fallen over if he had not clung to his friend like a Square-enix fangirl. Sephiroth shivered every once in a while at that thought. 'Stupid gay, drunk heaven high, sedated little bastard' was the phrase that came to mind.

Brushing aside those unsettling little ideas, Sephiroth pushed open the cellar door with a grunt, while balancing Ansem all the while. One would imagine this to be a great and nifty trick, but hey, he wasn't the greatest leader of the Shin-Ra army for nothing. Dragging him down the stairs, Sephiroth sighed with discontent. This was gonna be one of those days. Looking around the room, he could see racks upon racks of wine bottles, endless possibilities of drinking perfection, most of the wine older than he was. "Alright, Ansem, which two do you want"

Gazing around with drooping eyes, Ansem pointed lazily to one rack. Sephiroth shook his head. There were at least six bottles that could have been in that range, but what the heck. Ansem was too deadened at the moment to know what he was drinking. So Sephiroth picked up a clean bottle, royal blue in color, assuming it was the prettiest bottle Ansem wanted. "Okay, which other one?" But Ansem had already covered that subject. From one of the bottom racks, he had pulled out a bottle that seemed to have suited him.

Working out the cork, Ansem laid back allowing the brownish liquid, such a queer color for wine, cascade in into his mouth. It took a moment to sink in, and like an elephant, spewed the substance over the floor in disgust. "OH MY GOD, THAT SHIT'S NASTY!"

Sephiroth backed away quickly avoiding the spray. Ansem sat paralyzed for a moment, trying to rid himself of the gross flavor. The bottle rolled out of his hands and to the general's feet. He picked it up, examining the label half-heartedly. It really didn't look much like a wine bottle, and the cover resembled something that a small child might have drawn. There was probably hose water and dirt in there. Rolling his eyes, Sephiroth placed it back on the rack. It really wasn't any of his concern what kind of stupid crap Ansem decided to keep around. Although…he had to admit that it looked the slightest bit familiar. Where from, he could not recall, but whatever it was, if he had forgotten, it obviously wasn't that important. Sephiroth stared at the tanned fellow, a delicate eyebrow raised, waiting for a further reaction from the king of the heartless.

All of a sudden it occurred to Ansem's brain that there was no longer "alcohol in his blood system" but rather "blood in his alcohol system". This revelation told the rest of Ansem's body that it was in desperate need of a reboot and the system needed to be shut down manually and then restarted when the hardware had cooled off. In laymen's terms, the evil turd passed out.

"Beautiful. Just fantastic," Sephiroth muttered apathetically, grabbing the unconscious man by his wrists and dragging him up the stairs. Ansem would gain a lot more bruises and scratches from being to carelessly handled, but hey, as Sephiroth thought, compared to the massive hangover he was about to experience, these minor injuries would be nothing.

The silver-haired general dragged the now beaten Ansem to the couch, but seeing as the unconscious man was unable to cooperate, ended up leaning his motionless body right next to it. Ansem rolled over into a fetal position, and continued to twitch in a REM like state. "No mommy… not…the pink one!" he snorted fearfully in his alcohol induced nightmare.

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. He had better things to be doing…none of which he could think of at the moment, but he was sure they were there. He opened the door, the paused. He retreated back to where Ansem lay, reached inside his trench coat and pulled out a bottle of Ibuprofen. He set it on the table and muttered. "You're going to need this idiot". Then, he decided, would be an excellent time to take his leave.

The Next Morning

Rolling over, a stroke of intense pain swept across Ansem's head as the glare from the sun seemed even more extreme than usual. He sat up, pinching the space between his eyes, groaning. He looked about him. Somehow he was right next to the couch. How he got there, he could not remember. Faintly, he could recall stumbling down the steps to the wine cellar with the help of Sephiroth, but from there it was a mere blur.

Attempting to get up, the sudden movement made him disoriented at he fell backwards into the sofa, but as one would imagine it, karma was not so kind, and his head hit the wall right behind it. 'Damn…" he murmured. Not to mention that his stomach felt like it was turning itself out. "How much did I drink?" he inquired of himself. It was a stupid question. Ansem's self-restraint when it came to drinking was a big fat zero. And he knew it, at it caused him pain, but whatever. As far as he was concerned, there were ups and downs. The problem was that now the up had faded away and the giant hangover down was ripping his skull apart. He noticed the bottle of pain relievers on the coffee table and was just about to reach for it when the door was kicked open.

Sephiroth stalked in, carrying a grocery bag full of hangover cures. Judging by the vacant expression on his face, it was quite early in the morning and he hadn't yet had time to 'make himself pretty'. A starbucks coffee occupied his other hand. Using the back of his boot, he shut the door behind himself and suppressed a rather large yawn. "Hey Ansem," he shouted. "I have some ."

Sephiroth's face had turned a light hue of green and his eyebrows knitted together furiously. He had to tighten the grip on his parcel; otherwise it would have slipped from his fingers like the non-fat soy mocha latte that was now a puddle on the floor.

Gazing up from its place on the floor, the pathetic creature that was Ansem said, "Hey Seph…" He noticed the sick expression on the other villain. "And wipe that stupid look off your face…its giving me a head-ache…and what the hell are you staring at!"

"Ansem…?" Sephiroth asked, his eyes incredulously wide.

The white-haired one scowled at the rather stupid question. "Why yes, that was my identity the last time I checked," he replied, his voice squeaking unintentionally. He coughed, clearing his throat.

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. For a couple of seconds he ran his fingers through his hair awkwardly, looking contemplative, perhaps talking to his conscience that had recently grown. Sephiroth's mouth twitched into a weak one-sided smile as his inner voices came to a conclusion.

"I…I am not completely certain how I should put this…Ansem. Maybe, you need to check again?"

Ansem scowled. "What are you talking about?"

"Look down," Seph said hesitantly, pointing.

Rolling his eyes, Ansem did as instructed. For a moment he just stared, in a very very perplexed state. "Holy materia!" the seeker of darkness screamed in a sharp tone… "When did I grow those!" For this manly, tall, dark, and…only fairly good looking, man now had…boobs.

reviewness, ne?

>For you Meera, we'll get to the funniness in the next chappy kk?

>Vishizit my brilliant cuz, DragonRose13.