Out of the Back You Fall in Time

by Jay Rease

3rd fic in the Song Series. Quinntana. "You're in that little limbo between knowing and not, clearer this time than the last, but still unsure. That place, that dangerous place situated between temptation and resistance."

Title: Out of the Back You Fall in Time
Author: J Rease
Rating: K
Warnings: Songfic.
Summary: 3rd fic in the Song Series. Quinntana. "You're in that little limbo between knowing and not, clearer this time than the last, but still unsure. That place, that dangerous place situated between temptation and resistance."
Disclaimer: I once disclaimed a fic with "I disclaim all fics forever…" or some shit so….

Out of the Back You Fall in Time…
A prompt fill for Anon
Song Choice: Howie Day's Collide

And suddenly, you're here again. You're at her apartment for the weekend. You're here because Brittany isn't, because she's still on that never ending tour that leaves Santana lonely. That's really why you're here. Because Santana hates being alone for long periods of time, and you are close enough to keep her company.

But suddenly, you're there again. You're in that little limbo between knowing and not, clearer this time than the last, but still unsure. That place, that dangerous place situated between temptation and resistance. How often you have to stop yourself from longing for her...Santana. How often you have to remind yourself that she isn't yours.

But always did you want her to be... yours. She doesn't make it easy, she never has. There is this buzz between the two of you. An unrequited history. So many avenues you missed upon misdirection-conflicted at the time with doubt; with fear. How long you've known about those feelings, feelings that came from that place that was blurring every line you've forged between the two of you.

You forged those lines when Santana chose Brittany. At first, you were envious of their love; you wanted so much for Santana to choose you. But you were sullied by your self-doubts, and Brittany was innocent and fearless. They were always perfect in your eyes; Brittany and Santana. The couple everyone knew would make it… the couple no one could come between; soul mates. You hadn't thought those things existed until you met them—because they were love personified, fit between two bodies with one spirit. You expected them to last forever, because forever should come easily to the two of them. And then you accepted that the longing you felt for the Latina would remain in friendship.

Of course, it did...But soon, there were subtle hints of underlying reciprocity. Little looks and lingering touches. You flirted with the thought of you and her so casually... So many times your eyes found hers in a crowded room. And so many times did you'd find her staring back at you knowingly before you blushed, and settled on something else. It unnerved you; that somewhere along the course of your friendship she'd felt anything close to what you've been feeling since the start.

You and Santana have always clashed. She was always the fire to your ice, when crashed together there was only the sweltering steam of your collision. In the past, you tried your best to push her away. So often that it became a motif in your friendship. But even when you were fighting you still loved her. Even when all of you were friends, you were vying for her affections. Even though Brittany had sole claim to her since before Santana existed in your world.

You've realized there is no place for you in Santana's forever. But each time she calls for you in need, you run. Each moment shared with her is worth the self-induced torture, because you love her. You love Brittany too, in different ways. It's the only thing holding you back from taking what you want. Each time Santana complains about the absence of her girlfriend, about the pain and the longing- you secretly relate. At least Santana isn't in Brittany's grasp, but so out of reach. That would be a travesty.

Her voice rouses you from your thoughts. You are lounging on her bed, threading your fingers in the loose curls on her head, her speech caught in her throat with still waiting tears. You feel the dampness on your bare thigh, her tears mingling with thin layer of sweat that only seems to accumulate when she's around; thrusting your body into overdrive.

"She was supposed to call last night... she didn't call this morning either. It's been a week. I haven't heard her voice in an entire week, Q. I'm so... ugh. Am I being unfair?"

If you didn't care about Brittany, you'd take this chance; you'd make this chance. But you do. She's one of your oldest friends too, and you know better than to coerce any shady thoughts into Santana's fragile mind. You move your fingers diligently through her hair, and you shush her when she sobs aloud, but you stay quiet otherwise. You expect Brittany to call in that moment. You expect her to save Santana's smile. You expect Brittany to feel the other half of her hurting and remove you from this threesome you find yourself so unwillingly in the middle of.

But Brittany doesn't call.

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you

You wake with the sun. Santana is sleeping, snugly cuddled around your torso, her arms wrapping you in a false sense of security—her face pressed lightly against your chest. You can smell her hair, and you wish with the rising sun that she'll wake and see you differently today. You pretend that she'll wake to you with a smile; the person she wants to see beside her when she opens her eyes. But the grooves of Santana's bed don't curve to the contours of your body. Sometimes you wish you were taller, leaner… sometimes you wish you were her soul mate.

Yeah…

She wakes slowly. She sits up, her back against the headboard next to where you're propped. She rubs and shields her eyes from the blazing sun let in by the parted curtains. She blinks away the haze that comes with dreaming and she stares at you without speaking. Your eyes meet and shift with a pull you refuse to acknowledge. And you're there again. Limbo. She brushes some of your messy hair from your face, and she lets her thumb stroke across the impressions the pillow made, squished against the headboard.

You feel it. You feel gravity forcing you toward her; slowly without breaking gazes. You focus on her face. It's serious, sure even, as you both lean in, your lips only seconds away from meeting. You wonder suddenly, if she knows what she's doing. You aren't sure you want to know if she is using you. Because you are here and Brittany isn't. Before you close your eyes, you let the thought die on your brain and you finally feel her lips meet yours.

You pucker and squeeze your eyes shut. You bask in the feeling of victory. You let yourself have it. You feel like you're leaving limbo… and you're excited to taste heaven on her lips. You let the kiss deepen; you're both sliding down on the bed, letting your knees rub as you bend your legs to accommodate the knots your limbs make. You kiss her like you owe her explanations, and you let your hands trace up her side and back down to her waist. You inhale the crook of her neck after pecking down her jaw, enraptured with the feeling of her skin against your mouth. You don't know where this will go, but it's hard to think when you have everything you've ever wanted beneath you.

The phone rings.

It's shrill and it breaks the quiet of the morning. The cold air left in her wake as she pulls away from you stings like a smack to the face. She sits up, facing away from you as she tucks her hair behind her ears. She answers it on the third ring, and you hear Brittany's voice over the receiver. You sit up, and you compose yourself. You pat your hair down and you rise from the bed, suddenly in pursuit of something to cover you up. You go in search for the things you brought with you, and you scribble a note before sticking it on the fridge. The "I'm sorry" isn't enough, but the conversation that follows you from Santana's bedroom isn't something you can bear right now.

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

The next time you see her, it's at coffee shop. You agreed to finally talk to her about what happened. You feel like it's time. You can't take it back, but you realize that you don't want to. You can't pretend anymore; not when you know what the real thing feels like. It's awkward at first. It feels like something changed between you. You both sit and sip coffee before you finally deflate.

"You knew? Right? All this time, you had to have known."

You look at her and expect her to deny it; it would make things easier. She fiddles with her stirrer, before shifting to avert her gaze. Suddenly she settles on you, focused and alert, before replying.

"…Of course I did."

Something inside you flutters. Confirmation. You don't feel as crazy as you used to. You don't feel so alone in this.

"So, what now, San?"

You don't know what you expect her to say. You know you aren't her soul mate. You know you can't come between a love like theirs. You still love her, you always will. But something tells you that she can't love you back. You're being vulnerable. You finally realize that you have to fight for her, for love. You finally realize that maybe love doesn't fester in the stars. You feel like you have to go in search of it; and earn it.

"So now, nothing. I—I can't leave her, Q. For a chance that this might be something…. What? Fleeting? She's everything perfect in my life. I'm sorry…"

You leave again. You walk away but she's the one running from this— and still, you feel like sorry isn't enough.

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

The next time you see her, is on a Thursday. You show up at her apartment, and she's surprised to see you standing in her doorway. She's alone, you know, and you're almost drunk. You only drink to let the anger out. You're ready for this conversation. It's stupid, to have come here this way. But there are so many things bubbling inside you, and no matter how much you fight, you always find ways back to her.

"Why didn't you say anything, Santana?"

She's wearing her glasses. She pulls them up on her head and she blows air out of her cheeks.

"Why didn't you?"

You think. You're tired of her keeping everything in.

"You were with Brittany; you are with Brittany."

She shakes her head.

"Not always. Don't do this now, Quinn."

You laugh. You're fuming and you know laughing in her face will probably provoke her.

"You were always with Brittany, San. You aren't curious? You don't feel it too? The looks, the touches. I'm aware when I'm with you."

She pinches the bridge of her nose. This is frustrating you. Her pretending.

"Aware of what, Quinn?"

You gulp. You find courage.

"Of what love feels like…I love you. I've been letting you be happy with someone else… when all I want is to be the reason you are happy. Tell me you don't feel the same way. Tell me, and I'll walk away and we can go back to pretending."

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

You watch her crumble. She runs her hands through her hair, knocking her glasses off, tears cascading down her cheeks—she rubs them away as they fall. You've known her for so long. You've kept quiet about this secret between you; stuck in limbo for so long you've learned to live with this bare existence. You've always respected Santana. She told it straight and she dealt with all the shit that's been slung her way. It's hard to watch her grapple with the feelings. It's hard to see her so in denial.

"I think about you constantly. I wonder how different things would be. But then I think about Britt. We've been at this for so long it seems so unfair for me to love anyone but her. I can't, Quinn. We can't."

She tries to walk away…

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

"I want my chance, Santana."

You don't know when the alcohol wore off, but the anger has dissipated. You say it to her back and she stops, frozen on her heels. You see the tension strain her back muscles and you know she is fighting turning around.

"I remember every moment I've spent with you. You've always been this to me San, don't you get it? I get that, that we don't make sense. Every time I feel like I've moved on, thoughts of you came back; feelings. Even when I hated you, I needed you. Need me back, San…"

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

You feel like you're back in limbo. You feel stuck between knowing and not, and it's as unclear as it was before this. She's standing there, stiff as a board, stuck with the words you just uttered aloud.

"What are you so afraid of?"

She spins on her heel. She looks wild, stuck in this confusing place you've been trapped in for so long.

"What am I so afraid of? I'm afraid of hurting her! Are you serious? No matter how I feel about you, Quinn, I've loved Brittany since before I knew what love felt like. I don't just get to tell her that I'm walking away from this! I don't just get to try out things with other people. I planned on spending my life with her! She's my soul mate. My one true—"

"Your one true what? There are too many people in this world for us to have only one of anything. Does she make you happy? Is she here? Does she hold you when you cry and tell you that things will be alright? You're waiting on her to come back to you and she's living her life without you. Tell me you don't think we would be worth it…tell me and I'll leave."

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

She isn't wiping away her tears anymore. They fall freely down her face. You reach her in four big steps. You uncross her arms and you move in to kiss her. You rest your hand on her damp cheek and you press your lips to hers and let the sensation settle your nerves. You've only scratched the surface of this feeling; satisfaction. You don't deepen the kiss. You slowly pull away and watch her eyelids blink open, tears shining over the brims.

She pulls her hand to cover yours and you watch her bottom lip quiver. She's afraid. You're afraid. But you say nothing, and neither does she. You stand there with her, somewhere above limbo. Somewhere closer to knowing, and leaning towards sure.

You finally find
You and I collide…