.:Bunnies, Toenails, and Cheese-Imprinted Towels:.
Authors's notes: Hello! I know this is posted under one pen name, but it's really co-written by MizPerfectionist and xSnickersx. This story isn't one of our serious ones, and we aren't really that funny. ;) Well, MizPerfectionist is.(:MisPerfectionist scoffs: Yea right!)But anyway, this is a SPOOF! Meaning, none of this is seriously written and we're just poking a little fun at Lily/James fics. I think that's all…
Disclaimer: Obviously, we don't own any of these characters. However, we do own THE EVIL BUNNYWHO LIVES UNDER YOUR BED! Ahem.
Rating: PG-13: Most likely for kissing (nothing graphic!) and loose terms.
Summary: A spoof on the fics of love connections at Hogwarts during the Marauder era. Lily has a makeover, Sirius falls for her, Remus is the comforter, and… oh yeah! The boy Lily's meant to be with: James Potter. A one-shot spoof of typical cliché Lily/James fics.
Warning: This is a spoof; it is meant to be stupid. We do accept constructive criticism, but please, if you leave a flame, don't just say "It sucks" or something like that, ok? Otherwise, flames will only make our cozy fire more fire-y? We tried to make this as funny as possible. Bare in mind, this is a spoof on typical Lily/James fics.We personally love L/J fics, yet so many of them are the same storyline over and over. Most are well written, but as for the rest… It's pretty sad whenwe read this one story, and was actually happy that Lily was going out with Snape, instead of the over-used and very predictable Sirius/Lily relationship. This was just a funny idea we had one day, and wanted to follow through with it. Either way, we are NOT criticizing the L/J ship. It's our favorite!
So, here's our pretty story! Drum Roll...
A young and beautiful girl stepped lightly onto the platform of 9 ¾ and faced the gigantic scarlet train billowing smoke and steam before them. Can anyone guess what this train is called? Lily Evans tugged at her perfect red ringlets that flowed blissfully down, slightly past her shoulders. Of course, her hair was really a dull brown, but the Muggle hair dye box sported a sexy redhead that she wanted to be just like.
"LILY!" A voice called from behind her, and before Lily could react, a body knocked into hers and enveloped her in a hug.
"Who are you?" Lily asked, turning around to face the person she had the pleasure of knocking into.
A bubbly brunette with perfectly straight hair laughed at Lily's bewilderment. "I'm Mary, your best friend, silly! Didn't the authors tell you?"
"Nope, they just told me to get my ass to the platform on time. So, do we have any other best friends that were neglected to be mentioned?"
"Hmmm, well there's Stephanie," answered Lily's supposed best friend. "So, there's three of us; just like there's three good-looking Marauders. But I'm sure that's just a coincidence and has nothing to do with the plot of the story," Mary laughed foreshadowingly.
"I'm sure. Stephanie," Lily repeated. "Where is she?"
As if Stephanie had heard Lily's question, she appeared right next to Mary. In order to see Stephanie, you would have to look down, because Stephanie is a MIDGET! But of course, she's beautiful anyway; Stephanie had buoyant blonde curls framing her perfect porcelain face.
The three 7th years standing together formed quite a lovely group; all beautiful in their own right; of course, it's the inner beauty that really counts (yeah, right). Heads turned wherever the trio went.
"Hi Mary! Hi Lily! I'm so glad to be back to Hogwarts! I really wanted to get away from my abusive father, alcoholic mother, and over-achieving sister! What are you guys going to complain about?" Stephanie started the conversation.
"Well, I have an evil bunny rabbit that lives under my bed and tries to nibble at my feet. Bit annoying, really," Mary commented airily, "But of course, I endured my whole terrible summer because of the fact that I would come back here and see the Marauders. Not that I like Remus or anything!" she said, clutching a packet of Remus's toenail clippings. "The evil bunny is over there!" Mary shrieked, pointing a few yards away. Her friends looked; there was nothing there.
"Of course not," Lily answered her, flashing a smile, "Why would you like Remus? He isn't perfect. But, anyway, who cares about that? My summer was way worse than yours. I have two loving parents, who support me, but you know, my sister's a prat, so I let her ruin my whole summer. Same old. And I never thought of James once the whole summer. Really."
"Duh. It's not like you like him or anything, right?" Stephanie asked Lily.
"No, the authors want to drone on for about five more pages until I like him. I'll get back to you."
"Oh, ok. Well, we better get on the train and coincidently sit in the same compartment as the Marauders, right guys?" Stephanie commented, pointing at the clock, which showed that they had three minutes before the Hogwarts Express would head for its destination.
"Let's go," Lily and Mary announced at the same time. Giggling, the trio stepped aboard the train.
Inadvertently, the only compartment on the Express that wasn't totally filled was occupied by none other than James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew: the Marauders themselves.
"Come in, guys! We love company; more importantly, we love hot guys- I mean, girls, like yourselves. Not that Remus and I like Mary and Stephanie or anything," Sirius stated pointedly.
"Of course not," Mary answered airily as she sat next to Remus and Stephanie took her seat next to Sirius. "So, how was your summer?"
"Well, my parents disowned me, so I ran away to the Potter's mansion. They're really rich. Do you like rich guys, Lily?" Sirius asked.
"I love rich guys! Not that it means anything. Yet," Lily replied.
"I'm hungry," Sirius commented, glancing around in search of food. "Oooooh! A penny! Shiny!" (A.D.D, anyone?)
"Want to come get snacks with me, Sirius?" Lily asked, standing up.
"Sure, Lily Flower. I'm going to call you Lily Flower now, even though I'm obviously too dense to have thought of that with seven years of knowing you. But what the authors say goes," Sirius shrugged.
"Sure, whatever you say, as long as it makes you more adorable," Lily replied flirtingly.
James glared at the flirting duo jealously. Remus glanced at his friend, who was staring murderously ahead. "Er, James? What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing!" James spat. "I am NOT jealous of Sirius!"
"Uh, ok?" Remus answered, rolling his eyes as soon as James's back was turned.
Sirius and Lily left quickly to retrieve snacks from the trolley, which usually comes to them. But this time, the authors decided to push the trolley lady down the stairs and decided they coincidentally wanted to discard 20 lb. bowling balls and rolled them after her. Not that they wanted to get rid of her or anything, of course.
"So, Lily, you got really pretty over the summer," Sirius grinned at her flirtatiously.
"Really? I hadn't noticed," Lily answered, "I usually pay attention to more important things, like hot guys."
"Do you want to go out with me?" Sirius blurted out.
"Sure, why not? You're pretty hot. Are you going to make out with me now? Because I'm been waiting for the past three seconds!" Lily said.
"Don't you think we should take this slow?" Sirius paused. "Wait – this is me we're talking about! Never mind."
Sirius leaned down and captured her lips in a kiss. After several minutes of fun, Sirius and Lily decided they needed to go back to their compartment. When they arrived empty-handed, everyone looked at themquestioningly.
"Weren't you supposed to get snacks?" James asked suspiciously.
"I did get my sweets," Sirius waggled his eyebrows, earning a hard jab from Lily's bony elbows.
"Yeah, but that wasn't really important. That was just a distraction the authors put in, so Sirius and I could get together," Lily answered. "I mean, oops! We're not together or anything. We… er … got lost? I have to go to the bathroom at this exact moment for no apparent reason. Bye! Don't do anything bad without me here!" Lily called, running to the bathroom. Shortly after Lily went out, Sirius and Stephanie quickly snuck out of the compartment, and into another, which was strangely empty, even though the authors said all the other compartments were almost full; but let's pretend we didn't read that.
Lily washed her hands while humming to "Don't worry; be happy." She carefully dried her hands with the pretty pink towel covered with yummy cheese pictures; Lily almost ate them. She stepped outside of the bathroom that never used to be on the Hogwarts Express, but is now, because it's a new feature. However, someone smart in the future thought it was unnecessary for the bathrooms to be on the train; they should have gone before they left. We need it as a plot point, so we told you that long story to make it more believable.
Still humming softly, Lily heard a soft thud coming from a nearby compartment. Because she was Head Girl, she felt it was her duty to investigate. Being the caring person that she is, she hoped no one was hurt. However, there is no Head or Prefect meetings on the train this year, because the authors forgot about it and are too lazy to go back and put it in.
Lily lightly tapped on the door to what she thought was an empty compartment. The thud she heard had seemed to come from that direction. She knocked again, but no one answered. However, she felt sure she heard shuffling inside. Cautiously, Lily opened the door without a sound and had to stop herself from screaming at what she saw.
There, lying on the compartment benches, were Stephanie and Sirius, engaged in secret telling. The problem was, they seemed to be telling secrets with their lips. Lily watched the "secret swapping" with horror.
"SIRIUS! STEPHANIE! What are you doing? I thought you loved me, Sirius!" Lily cried, sinking to the floor in anguish.
"What? I never said I loved you. You were just a dumb fling, like Har-uh, many other hot girls were," Sirius asked, prying his lips away from Stephanie's. "We can still be best friends though, right?"
Lily slowly picked herself up off the floor. "Sure, whatever, Sirius," she answered unconvincingly. "I knew I should've went for Remus before Sirius," she muttered to herself. However, neither Stephanie nor Sirius seemed to noticethis, as they were busy again in telling each other secrets.
Lily left the compartment, closing the door slowly, in a dramatic clichés way, even though a normal person would've slammed the door loudly after seeing their significant other being unfaithful. She then set off in pursuit of one sandy haired Gryffindor. Racing down the corridor, she coincidentally ran into none other than Remus Lupin.
"Whoa," he said, smiling down at her after they regained their composure, "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Lily answered stiffly, but her voice wouldn't have fooled anyone, least of all Remus.
"Come on, tell me what's wrong. I'm the smart one with common sense, remember?" Remus said.
"Yeah, yeah," Lily answered, her eyes slowly welling up with tears as she recounted the story of her two-minute relationship and breakup with Sirius.
Remus leaned in and pulled Lily into his arms, wrapping her in a tight hug. He slowly ran his hands through her silky red hair, his other hand lightly running up and down her back.
"What should I do, Remus?" Lily whispered, her voice muffled against his shirt, which was made of some strange material that made the redhead's nose itch, or maybe she was just wiping snot on his shirt.
"Well," Remus answered. "The only logical solution here is to find a new boyfriend, a better boyfriend. –Cough- ME! Cough-."
"What are you trying to say?" Lily asked inconspicuously.
"Was I subtle enough for you?" Remus asked, winking.
"No, the authors just want me to play dumb, so you can act like a hero and kiss me," Lily answered.
"Oh, is that all?" Remus said. "So, will you go out with me?"
"That wasn't very subtle," Lily commented.
"I don't have to be subtle now, Lily," Remus sighed.
"Why not? I thought you were supposed to be subtle," Lily said.
"But the authors think it's time for us to get together, so I had to skip the subtle act," Remus responded.
"Oh, ok, what do we do now?" Lily asked.
"Well, I ask you if you want to go out with me."
"And what do I say?"
"You say yes," Remus answered seriously, ending any suspicions readers may have.
"Well, yes, then," Lily answered, smiling up at him, obviously over her long and heart wrenching relationship of two minutes with Sirius.
Remus grinned softly down at the redhead and softly tucked his hand under her chin, looking deeply into her eyes.
Hmm. Lily thought. This seems vaguely familiar. Is that an unwritten guy code to have an obsession with chins?
But before Lily's thoughts had fully processed, Remus reached down and captured her lips in a kiss; this made the second guy Lily had kissed today. Interesting, seeing as she had never kissed a guy before either of them, and now she's kissing them all at once! What a scandal!
Remus and Lily vaguely heard the sound of a door shutting, but paid no mind to it. They were busy, after all. But an all too familiar voice cut through the silence of the compartment, and caused the duo to freeze suddenly.
"REMUS! LILY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" James roared, his voice echoing throughout the compartment and through the hallway. Because of his voice's penetration, several annoyed students, who had been happily eating cheese, poked their heads out of their own compartments to investigate the source of the noise, even though they could've ignored the noise and continue eating happily. However, the authors of this story need to show that there are other live kids on the train.
Remus hastily pulled away from Lily and took several long strides over to the door. Once he had approached, a startled first year that was staring out of her door questioned him. "What's going on?" She asked, her eyes wide.
"Oh, nothing," He responded soothingly, "Just the authors having a bit of fun with James's temper. Carry on as you were."
Slowly but surely, the hallway was cleared and the caught Remus and Lily were left to face James's fuming rage. However, James held his tongue until Remus had closed and locked the door carefully. Then, he placed a silencing charm around their compartment for good measure. After taking these precautions, Remus took his place next to Lily, opposite James.
"What. The. Hell. Do. You. Think. You. Are. Doing?" James hissed, each word seeming as its own sentence because the authors think James speaking in one-word sentences is amusing. James seemed particularly mad, especially for a person who claimed to not like Lily. Lily looked guilty, even though kissing her boyfriend isn't a crime. Remus looked Sirius – I mean, serious, and the authors were grinning evilly.
Lily stood gaping at James, however Remus stood strong, "We were kissing," he answered.
"And why," James asked, his breaths coming quite short, "Would you be kissing Lily?"
"Because I like her," Remus answered simply.
"But I thought she was going out with Sirius!" James responded, bewildered.
"Wow, James, that was so five minutes ago. Sirius was cheating on her and they broke up. Where have you been?" Remus answered scathingly.
James gaped at Remus, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Then, without another word, he stormed out of the compartment, like Lily should have exited the compartment with Sirius and Stephanie.
"Lily, I'd love to talk right now, but I really have to go to the bathroom," Remus said.
"Right now? Does that mean anything?" Lily asked. Maybe the bathrooms were a good idea. There'd be less wetting-the-pants problems, but alas, their fate is to be removed from the Hogwarts Express…
"No, of course not. The timing is completely coincidental," Remus answered, and took off in the direction of the bathroom, leaving Lily shrugging alone to herself in an empty compartment.
Remus stepped out of the bathroom conveniently at the same time that Mary was walking by.
"Oh, hi, Mary," Remus greeted.
"Hi, Remus. I was actually just looking for you. Can we talk for a minute?" Mary asked, twisting her hands and looking incredibly nervous.
"Of course," Remus responded.
"Uh, how about in an empty compartment?" Mary added, dragging him into one. "Master Bunny says I may not talk to anyone other than him for longer than five minutes. But, what I meant to say is…Well, you see… I was thinking a lot over the summer, and well, I kind of… I don't know how to say this…" Mary trailed off.
Remus nodded at her politely. "Continue, if you can…"
Mary sighed. "Well, the thing is, I kind of… well, like you." She cringed, as though this was her death sentence.
The first look that passed on Remus's face was delight. Then, the crashing realization of life dawned upon him.
"What is it?" Mary asked anxiously.
"Well, the thing is," Remus began nervously, "I hate you. No, I'm just kidding." Remus laughed at Mary's sad face. He then turned Sirius. I mean, serious. "I kind of have a girlfriend. But that's okay, because I like you better and the authors told me that we were supposed to be together in the end, so that's our happy ending. I'll dump her soon, don't worry."
"Do you want to tell me who she is?" Mary asked.
"No, that would ruin the story," Remus exclaimed.
"So, what do we do now? I don't want you to cheat on whoever your girlfriend is," Mary said.
"That's okay, the authors love me, because my name has an 'R' in it. They wouldn't possibly have anything bad happen to me, like Lily walking in on me, which is what happened to Sirius. But, never mind. Let's just do whatever we want," Remus answered.
"Oh, ok!" Mary said.
But before Remus could lean down and kiss the second girl of the day, a voice was heard echoing throughout the corridor of the train.
"Remus! Remus!" Lily called, walking closer and closer to the compartment that Remus and Mary were occupying. Of course, there was no explanation for why, out of all the compartments on the train, Lily had chosen to pick the one Remus and Mary were in to search for Remus himself inside. The authors just felt like having some fun.
"Quick, get down there!" Remus hissed to Mary and pointed down to the floor under the seats. Hastily, Mary crawled under it and Remus draped a blanket that popped out of midair over the chair, hiding Mary from view.
Mary's eyes widened, realizing something. "R-Remus…"
The door creaked open just as Remus was straightening up. "Oh, hello Lily! I was just about to come looking for you!" Remus smiled weakly at her. "Remus!" Mary whispered at his feet.
"Really? And, why were you in an empty compartment?" Lily asked suspiciously.
"Oh, I was just, er, looking out the window. Beautiful scenery, you know," Remus said, swaying his arm to the window. Unfortunately for Remus, they were just passing a cemetery. Lily raised an eyebrow at him.
"Well, it was a lot… better … before…" Remus trailed off weakly, and Lily remained unconvinced.
"Um, right. How did the authors screw you up now?" Lily asked.
"Well, it's just… Well, I kind of… want to break up," Remus finishedlamely.
To Remus's bewilderment, Lily started laughing wildly, as if a maniac had possessed her body. "Ha ha!" She laughed. "Hahaha! Very funny, Remus! You almost got me there for a moment!"
Remus stood aside, watching in horror as Lily was losing her mind.
"Hilarious! April Fool's Day, right? Hahaha!" Lily cackled like a clown and sunk to her knees.
"Remus!" Mary hissed again.
"Are you drunk?" Remus asked incredulously.
"No!" Lily giggled, waving around a bottle of tequila. Seeing Remus staring at the bottle, Lily added," Uh, it's for my …constipation."
"I thought you were the goody two-shoes around here! You're not supposed to get drunk!" Remus asked, staring at her as if he'd never seen anything quite like her before.
"Well, the authors wanted to be rebellious, so here I am!" Lily spluttered, hysterically laughing as she answered.
"Um, Lily? Why don't you go talk to James?" Remus suggested.
"Ok," Lily said simply, and she walked out the door as if nothing had happened because that's what the authors feel like having her do.
"REMUS!"
"God, woman, what are you yelling for!" Remus exploded, turning towards her.
"Evil bunnies live under the blankets!" Mary whimpered, scrambling out from under her seat.
"Yes, dear," Remus said softly, patting her head.
And, if Mary took her rightful place in the happy house, they would alllive happily ever after.
Meanwhile, Sirius and Stephanie were smiling and staring dreamily into each other's eyes as well. They were going to live happily ever after too without evil bunnies possessing them. Possibly.
For Lily, however, life seemed terrible, even though she was Head Girl, smart, and just plain perfect. She had just gotten dumped for the second time in one day. In one train ride, for that matter. She stumbled into a compartment, only to find it occupied by a certain dark haired boy whom she was always intrigued by…
James Potter smiled lightly up at Lily Evans. His anger towards her had since disappeared. He knew he loved her. After all, the authors had hit him over the head with his Nimbus until he had realized it. So, excuse the dizzy, faraway look in his eyes.
Lily seemed to have recovered from her intoxication, even though in reality, it takes longer, so thank God for fiction, where anything can happen. The redhead was smiling back at her dream boy. In that whole three seconds, Lily had realized something: she loved James.
So, they both ran into each other's arms and kissed. They were going to live happily ever after too.
What a coincidence.
At that moment, Mary ran past their compartment screaming, "THE EVIL BUNNIES ARE ATTACKING ME! AHHHH!"
Another boring Authors' note: Well, that's all. We hope you liked it; if you did, please be so kind as to leave a review, even if it is short. If you didn't like it, leave some constructive criticism, if you'd also be so kind. And if you absolutely hated it, please don't leave a flame. ;) Thank you; hope you enjoyed the story!