Awaken
***
I do not know what to do.
My entire life, I've been lost, but never so intensely. I continuously find myself pondering why I am here, what is my purpose for living. I never used to do that.
It all began when she came into my life, Relena Darlian. I had been shot down upon entry into the Earth's atmosphere, and collapsed into the ocean. It was on the beach where I was washed up that she found me. Why she was there, I still do not know.
Being the benevolent person she is, when she discovered me, she ran down onto the beach to help. I was still alive, and when she lifted my helmet, I woke. When it had become apparent she had seen who I was, I swore myself to destroy her. Every time an opportunity presents itself, however, I fail to exercise it, and that is what I do not understand.
Am I not supposed to be immune to this? Emotions are not supposed to affect me in this manner. I am incapable of harming her, though on all counts of logic, I should. Even now, as I lie unconscious at Trowa's circus, I can't imagine myself hurting her in any way. She has some power over me I cannot comprehend.
But what can I do? I am far below any human—a half-life, only truly living in the midst of a battle. The other pilots are the same, so why is it I am here, lost and alone?
"You are weak and do not deserve to fight!" Yes, that is what Wufei would say. He hates everything he does not understand, whether it be human or emotion. He is a cynical person if I ever met one.
Then there's Duo—"What in the hell are you waiting for? Go and get her!" He is ceaselessly happy, blinded by his own strong imagination. It is infeasible for me to just "go and get her". Life does not work that way. Besides, I do not even know what I am feeling, let alone why.
Trowa is another story. He is so quiet; I really do not know what he is thinking. But he does has a strong sense of peace, so it is unlikely he could relate to me in the least. I do not see death when I fight; I see victory and the means to achieve it.
Finally Quatre, who would in all likelihood, be just as perplexed as I am. He would probably end up entreating one of us for guidance, even if he was influenced such as I.
Though, the more I think about it, the more I apprehend this is an obstacle I must overcome on my own. For that is all it is, an obstacle. My conscious self is too distant, too proud to do anything.
It is the emotion 'love' that I hold for Relena, and I knew it all along, and will feel it throughout eternity.
But I will wake up, and be flung forward into my dark confusion, and once again subsist in the shadows of war. I will think of her there, for she is sacrosanct,
Relena…
Relena…
"Relena…"
***
I do not know what to do.
My entire life, I've been lost, but never so intensely. I continuously find myself pondering why I am here, what is my purpose for living. I never used to do that.
It all began when she came into my life, Relena Darlian. I had been shot down upon entry into the Earth's atmosphere, and collapsed into the ocean. It was on the beach where I was washed up that she found me. Why she was there, I still do not know.
Being the benevolent person she is, when she discovered me, she ran down onto the beach to help. I was still alive, and when she lifted my helmet, I woke. When it had become apparent she had seen who I was, I swore myself to destroy her. Every time an opportunity presents itself, however, I fail to exercise it, and that is what I do not understand.
Am I not supposed to be immune to this? Emotions are not supposed to affect me in this manner. I am incapable of harming her, though on all counts of logic, I should. Even now, as I lie unconscious at Trowa's circus, I can't imagine myself hurting her in any way. She has some power over me I cannot comprehend.
But what can I do? I am far below any human—a half-life, only truly living in the midst of a battle. The other pilots are the same, so why is it I am here, lost and alone?
"You are weak and do not deserve to fight!" Yes, that is what Wufei would say. He hates everything he does not understand, whether it be human or emotion. He is a cynical person if I ever met one.
Then there's Duo—"What in the hell are you waiting for? Go and get her!" He is ceaselessly happy, blinded by his own strong imagination. It is infeasible for me to just "go and get her". Life does not work that way. Besides, I do not even know what I am feeling, let alone why.
Trowa is another story. He is so quiet; I really do not know what he is thinking. But he does has a strong sense of peace, so it is unlikely he could relate to me in the least. I do not see death when I fight; I see victory and the means to achieve it.
Finally Quatre, who would in all likelihood, be just as perplexed as I am. He would probably end up entreating one of us for guidance, even if he was influenced such as I.
Though, the more I think about it, the more I apprehend this is an obstacle I must overcome on my own. For that is all it is, an obstacle. My conscious self is too distant, too proud to do anything.
It is the emotion 'love' that I hold for Relena, and I knew it all along, and will feel it throughout eternity.
But I will wake up, and be flung forward into my dark confusion, and once again subsist in the shadows of war. I will think of her there, for she is sacrosanct,
Relena…
Relena…
"Relena…"