Author's Welcome: Hello again! Here is the fourth installment of my POTC parody series! This is a sequel to Parody of the Black Pearl, Dead Man's Parody, and At Parody's End. The running gags still continue, and this is, as always, co-written by my brother. So, at long last, I present On Parody's Tides!

Pessimism and Page 47

Two fisherman are in a fishing boat. The Captain is Captain Juan Jones, and he is in command of the boat and its one crew member, Fisherman Jeff. Juan always wanted to be a captain, and after he failed out of the Spanish Naval Academy, this was the best he could do.

They've got some nets in the water, but judging from the size of the boat, they don't expect to catch much. In fact, the name on the side of the boat is the "Pessimist," but they pull up a net anyway. It's really heavy.

Fisherman Jeff: Stupid fat fish.

The net plops down on the bottom of the boat and the fishermen examine their catch. It's lame.

Captain Juan Jones: We've got a guppy, three krill, and a dead seagull. I hate my life.

Fisherman Jeff: And a large mysterious seaweed-covered, man-shaped lump.

The mystery lump turns out to be a seaweed-covered man. Juan and Jeff figure the man is dead, and that it's safe to roll him over and try to steal his book.

It's not. Seaweed Man wakes up, quite suddenly.

Seaweed Man: Hey, excuse you. That's my diary, thank you very much, and it's not for your eyes.

Captain Juan Jones and Fisherman Jeff faint out of fright.

Seaweed Man: Not particularly gracious hosts. Try to read my diary and then make me row myself back to shore. Jerks. Who the heck names a boat the "Pessimist" anyway?

A black carriage, pulled by some ferocious-looking horses, goes careening through a theatrically ominous forest, and then through some intimidating cast-iron gates. Next we see Captain Juan Jones and his sidekick Fisherman Jeff dragging a body bag across some fancy marble floors. They are met by King Ferdinand and his crony, Gonzalez.

King Ferdinand: This better be good. I shot my favorite messenger when he woke me up at 3 in the morning to tell me two random fisherman wanted to show me a dead guy.

Captain Juan Jones: Well, your messenger lied, because this guy isn't dead.

Fisherman Jeff: And we're not random!

Captain Juan Jones: But the important thing is, this guy isn't dead. I'm Juan Jones, Captain of the -

King Ferdinand: Wait, Jones? As in Davy Jones?

Captain Juan Jones: *sigh* It's a distant relation, okay? He was like my grandpa's fifth-cousin's half brother. Anyway. We've got a live one.

Juan unzips the body bag. Sure enough, Seaweed Man is still alive and kickin'. (Figuratively.)

Captain Juan Jones: We broke our best fishing net dragging him out of the ocean.

Fisherman Jeff: Our only fishing net, actually.

Captain Juan Jones: It's not our only fishing net. We still have the one we got in Bermuda last year.

Fisherman Jeff: Yeah, okay, if you can call that a fishing net.

Captain Juan Jones: Well, what would you call it?

Fisherman Jeff: An enormous doily with holes in it. That thing's not going to catch any fish.

Captain Juan Jones: We don't catch any fish anyway! Just half-drowned rambling lunatics covered in seaweed!

Fisherman Jeff: And krill. Don't forget the krill.

Captain Juan Jones: Anyway, we can't get this guy to shut up. Apparently, he was king of Switzerland for twelve years.

Gonzalez: I didn't know Switzerland was a monarchy.

Captain Juan Jones: It's not. That's why he got kicked out.

Fisherman Jeff: And that's when he found the -

King Ferdinand: Silence, annoying peasants.

Ferdinand takes the book from Seaweed Man.

Seaweed Man: Hey, that's my diary!

King Ferdinand: I'm the King, and I'm commandeering it.

Seaweed Man: You can't commandeer a diary!

King Ferdinand: I just did, so there. Tell me a page number, or I'm reading the whole thing.

Seaweed Man: *sigh* Page 37.

King Ferdinand flips to page 37 of the diary and reads aloud.

King Ferdinand: "I saw a bird today. It was cloudy in the morning but then the sun came out in the afternoon, right after lunch. I remember because Tamuel drank five pitchers of lemonade at lunch and then he…" When is this going to get interesting?

Seaweed Man: Oh, sorry, I think I meant page 47.

King Ferdinand is exasperated but he goes to page 47 and finds the Fountain of Youth logo.

Captain Juan Jones: I think he was looking for Ponce de Leon's ship.

Fisherman Jeff: No, he sailed on it. After he got kicked out of Switzerland, remember?

Captain Juan Jones: He couldn't have sailed on Ponce de Leon's ship 200 years ago and still be alive.

Fisherman Jeff: Well, he was underwater and is still alive!

King Ferdinand: That's what happens when you find the Fountain of Youth. Dude, we are so going to find it. Gonzalez, how soon can you sail?

Gonzalez: (dramatically) With the tides.

Pause.

King Ferdinand: Right, so, when's the next tide?

Gonzalez: High tide or low tide?

King Ferdinand: Uh… whichever one you're planning to sail with…

Pause.

Gonzalez: Actually, my tide chart's still in my pillow case, I'd have to go look and get back to you.

King Ferdinand: Never mind.

Pause.

King Ferdinand: Why is your tide chart - ?

Gonzalez: Never mind.

Okay, I caved. Here's the beginning of my OST parody. I'm thinking of doing Sunday night updates for this. Stay tuned for more fantasticness!