She still looks at him a little too long. She tries not to, but it's so hard. She knows he's safe, finally.
John Young is safe.
When she finds out, she is an equal mixture of relief and disbelief, and suddenly a weight is lifted off of her and she is letting out a breath that she doesn't that she's been holding. For weeks. The constriction around her heart eases up, and it's easier to laugh. Just like that.
The condition, with which he comes, if you could call it that, is explained to Astrid gently by Stephen. And when she learns that John has lost his memory, and will slowly, but may never fully gain it back, she shrugs (trying desperately to hide the sinking of her heart and the pain in her gut). At least he's safe.
Astrid beats herself up for thinking what she's thinking - he won't remember me. It's a selfish thought. This isn't about her. It's about John. And he's safe.
Sometimes, she doesn't even believe it. She's so used to seeing the panicked faces of the Tomorrow People. Another failed attempt at rescuing John, risking their lives in the process. She's so used to hearing that. It takes her by surprise again and again that he's in the Lair.
Astrid still hangs around some times and sees that he's getting better at recognizing faces all the time. He remembers Cara first, though that should hardly be a surprise. She was - and always will be - his anchor. John doesn't seem to recall Astrid that fast though. It stings. Just a bit.
When he first comes back, she backs off, letting Stephen and Cara take care of everything. Take care of him. She comes forward and sees his face for the first time almost a week after his return. He's meeting all the new people who've broken out, and she mills in with crowd, trying hard not to expect anything. She tries to approach him along with the others. Astrid plans on shaking his hand with a 'hey, how are you?'. She gets two steps closer to him and then stops. She can't.
She goes up to him only after the others have dispersed, and joins Stephen and John, chatting amiably on the couch. Cara is not there.
'Astrid!' Stephen says, smiling easily, 'I wondered where you were! John, you know Astrid, my best friend. You guys saved each others' lives a couple of times and even -'
But he catches Astrid's warning in the nick of time. Don't mention anything about our 'relationship'.
John doesn't let go so easily, 'Even what?', he asks, turning to Astrid.
'We hung out a few times,' She says, trying to act natural.
'Oh.'
An awkward silence follows, like it always does when John is fed a new piece of information.
'I know your name, but not much else. I'm sorry, ' he says finally, and a sad smile appears on his face. Astrid's stomach flips just slightly.
'That's okay,' she says.
'Hey Stephen! Can you join me a moment?' Cara's voice rings clearly through the hall.
'Yeah, a minute!' He jumps to his feet, and is about to run off, when he turns back and asks, 'You'll be okay, right?'
He seemingly directs the question at them both, but is looking at Astrid.
'Yeah, sure.' She nods.
So the two of them, John and Astrid, sit side by side in an uncomfortable silence. She wonders what to say to him, if there is anything to even say. No, that's not right. There's a lot to say. She has a lot to say. He doesn't.
'Were we, um, close?', John asks all of a sudden, looking Astrid straight in the eye.
'I-uh, not really. We all saved each other's lives, so, I mean it's a big deal, I guess, but not, you know, like, super unique, yah,' Astrid finishes, her heart pumping a little too hard. She wonders if John can hear it.
'Oh,' John says again.
Astrid can feel the heat rushing to her face, and knows she has to leave. Like now.
'Okay, I'll catch you later,' she mumbles (her voice breaking, just a bit), without looking at him and rushes to the Metro station.
As Astrid sits in the train, she thinks about what just passed. She knows why she said what she said. She doesn't want any expectation set on him.
Were we close? Well, considering we froze in time kissing, and you told me that I was the best thing about being human, and you also gave me your lucky jacket, and let me show you around New York, I don't know, maybe.
But now, the situation has changed. John is pretty much back with his girlfriend, and Astrid is left wondering whether everything that had developed between her and John was because of his simultaneous conflicts with Cara. Had she ever meant anything to John?
That's an unfair question, she realizes. She had, of course. She can still feel the reassurance in his hugs, the way he held her hand, smiled at her. They used to look at each other like two middle school friends who realize they like each other. With the same bashfulness, and delight and goofiness. What they had between them was just as innocent.
But not all innocent things are meant to last.
Astrid feels slightly calmed by this. Strangely.
She allows herself to believe that John genuinely cared for her. And that maybe, were there never a Cara, or even the whole concept of 'The Tomorrow People' to begin with; were she and John just two dissimilar kids who were lab partners in high school, then things could have worked out. They would have shared the same comfort with each other, and John would be the school's 'bad boy', with a hard past and loving soul, and all might they have had was that high school relationship, but it would have been so innocent, and loving, that she would always think back to it fondly.
She lets herself slip into the world of 'somedays', 'perhapses' and 'if onlys'.
She knows it's not possible now. But if situations had been different, then maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
She somehow sleeps better that night.
John can't stop thinking about how he felt when Astrid walked away.
To be more specific, when she told him she'd catch him later. There was just the undertone of hurt in her voice. It somehow confuses him, makes him hurt.
Stephen warned him before, 'You are special to Astrid.' John wondered what he meant, special. But he was surprised when Astrid didn't join them, and that she only spoke to him after a week of his arrival. She said they only 'hung out'. She made it pretty clear they weren't all that close. Or at least they aren't. Now.
Until she said goodbye. That's when he realized that there was something more to the story, that Astrid was hurt. His primary instinct was to reach out to her. Hug her. He knew without doubt that it would be nice to hug her. Comforting.
He thinks of this even after Cara is fast asleep. Despite how it looks, he isn't with her right now, exactly. He's too disoriented to commit to anything.
Maybe...
Maybe he did have something more with Astrid. Something she thought he wouldn't remember. Which he doesn't. But he knows enough to trust his instincts, and his instinct was to comfort her. His instinctual emotion was affection.
He wonders how to tell her this. If he even should. That he wants to get to know her better. He wonders if she'll be okay with it, or doubtful. He wouldn't blame her for being the second.
But most of all, John wonders what they shared, before all this.
He knows that right now she might not be open to trusting his lack of memory, his 'relationship' with Cara. But maybe, sometime in the future, she will be. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
And then he slowly drifts off to sleep.