Grapefruit Diet.
'…Aunt Petunia set the teapot down on the table and looked curiously around to see where Uncle Vernon had got to. She didn't have to wait long to find out; after about a minute, he was back. He looked livid….' – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
Vernon Dursley considered calling his cheeky nephew into the living room to give him a stinging talking to. However, Vernon decided, - because Dudley was feeling miserable – anyone would be, if deprived of proper nutrition, - that he would give Dudley his favourite form of entertainment.
Harry being told off.
Vernon ripped open the envelope which was nearly covered with stamps. Pulling out the letter, he waved the envelope at Harry.
"One of your lot sent this. Postman delivered it himself, to the door. Seemed to think it was some kind of ruddy joke!" Vernon said furiously.
Harry fought back the urge to smile. Vernon needed to get a grip and grow a sense of humour, but Harry didn't think it was wise to tell Vernon that.
"Well," Harry said. "Anyone could make a mistake."
Vernon snorted, and flicked open the letter. A small, blank piece of parchment floated onto the kitchen table.
Vernon read the letter, then handed it to Harry.
"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Dursley,
We have never been introduced, but I am sure you have heard a great deal from Harry about my son Ron.
As Harry might have told you, the final of the Quidditch World Cup takes place this Monday night, and my husband, Arthur, has just managed to get prime tickets through his connections at the Department of Magical Games and Sports. I do hope you will allow us to take Harry to the match, as this really is a once-in-a lifetime opportunity;
Britain hasn't hosted the cup for thirty years, and tickets are extremely hard to come by. We would of course be glad to have Harry stay for the remainder of the summer holidays, and to see him safely onto the train back to school.
It would be best for Harry to send us your answer as quickly as possible in the normal way, because the Muggle postman has never delivered to our house, and I am not sure he even knows where it is.
Hoping to see Harry soon,
Yours sincerely,
Molly Weasley
P.S. I do hope we've put enough stamps on."
Vernon leaned threatingly towards Harry. Dudley also leaned forward, eager to get the best possible view of the impending verbal assault on Harry. Dudley's hand came to a rest on the blank parchment, and a sliver of Grapefruit juice spilled out of his piggy mouth and onto the parchment.
Vernon blew some of his wild mustache away from his upper lip.
"What the ruddy hell his Quidditch, anyway."
Harry resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "It's a sport. Played on –" Harry jerked his head towards Aunt Pentunia, who was dilligently sweeping the kitchen tiles.
Vernon seemed slightly grateful that Harry hadn't mentioned any abnormality in his presence. His little eyes showed understanding.
Vernon seemed to want to ask another question, but before he could open his mouth, Dudley's voice rang out loud and clear.
"Who's that waddling down the street"
Aunt Petunia dropped her broom and raced to press her bony face at the kitchen window to see down the side of the house to the street. She was momentarilly confused when she saw no one waddling down the street, human or penguin.
And, my dear readers, no one is nosier than Aunt Petunia
But Dudley answered the mystery.
"It's just me 'cause I love to eat
Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham
Who's real flabby, yes I am"
Vernon and Petunia turned horrified looks to their son. Dudley's piggy eyes were widened in horror, but he seemed to be unable to stop himself.
Harry, meanwhile, had been shocked into immobility thanks to the fact that Dudley was singing, badly of course, about his body shape.
Vernon, blue in the face, turned on Harry. But Dudley was not nearly finished.
"Every picture of me's
Gotta be an aerial view
Now my doctor tells me
There's just one thing left to do"
"STOP. THIS. NOW!" Vernon yelled at Harry.
"I'm not doing it." Harry told him.
Vernon stopped to consider it. Last time the brat had used magic he got an owl threatening him with expulsion from the ruddy school of his. Vernon, mostly through fear of Sirius Black, decided to show belief in Harry's plea of innocence.
"Then why the hell is Dudley singing like this?" Vernon asked, his spit assaulting Harry's face.
"I really have no idea Uncle Vernon." Harry said honestly. But, deeper, he didn't want to have an idea. He wanted to continue to listen to this.
Petunia turned her horsy face towards Harry. She, having witnessed Lily perform magic on many occasions, knew that Harry wasn't doing any magic right now. But she'd never admit that, so she went and knelt next to Dinky Diddydums and grabbed hold of his hand.
But Dudley was singing again.
"Grapefruit Diet!"
To the shock of everyone, Petunia began to echo Dudley.
"Diet!"
"Throw out the Pizza and Beer
Grapefruit Diet!"
"Diet!"
"Oh, get those jelly doughnuts out of here
Grapefruit Diet!"
"Diet!"
"Might seem a little severe
Grapefruit Diet!"
"Diet!"
"I'm getting tired of my big fat rear
Blow, fatty!"
Vernon slammed his fist on the table near Pentunia and Dudley's hands, no doubt hoping the show of strength would shake his wife and son out of their singing stupor.
It didn't work. Infact, Vernon started doing a trumpet solo.
Without the trumpet.
After a few seconds of Vernon's tuneless humming and spittle flying, Dudley resumed his singing.
"Well I used to live on chocolate sauce
Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss
Walked down an alley and I got stuck
I've got more rolls than a pastry truck
When I'm all done eating
I eat a little more
When I leave a room
First I gotta grease the door."
With Uncle Vernon rasping out a tune to Dudley's singing, and Pentunia similarly stuck as his echo, Harry could no longer resist the growing laugh that was building up inside of him.
"Grapefruit Diet!"
"Diet!"
"Can't have another ecláir
Grapefruit Diet!"
"Diet!"
"I gotta decrease my derriere"
Dudley paused for a moment, as Harry felt waves of laughter bubbling inside of him.
"I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet"
Vernon continued his, ahem, musical accompanying.
Dudley continued, and Harry knew that he soon would not be able to stop himself from bursting out in torrents of laughter.
"No more pie now
No more Crème Brulee
Lay off the gravy
And souffle
No french fri-yi-yies now
No more ice cream parfait
Mr. Cheese Nacho
Stay away."
Another short break as Vernon once again provided the, uhm, music.
"Oh I think I'd sell my soul
for a triple patty melt
But I need a boomerang
When I put on my belt."
At last the urge overwhelmed Harry. He burst out into laughter, gripping the back of the kitchen chair to try and steady himself.
It was his best morning in Privet Drive.
Bar none.
Of course, Harry laughing did nothing to stop Dudley's singing.
"Grapefruit Diet!"
"Diet!"
"Lay off the three Musketeers
Grapefruit Diet!"
"Diet!"
"Until my big booty disappears
Grapefruit Diet!"
"Diet!"
"Eat 'em till they're comin' out of my ears
Grapefruit Diet!"
"Diet!"
"'Cause I haven't seen my feet in years"
Vernon's musical accompaniment was beginning to signal the end of the song. Dudley sang the last verses.
"I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet"
The Dursleys seemed to come out of their stupor.
They all shared horrified looks, and fled the kitchen as one.
Harry went over and studied the table, trying to figure out the source of the magic that made the Dursleys behave so UnDursleyishly. Harry knew that Mrs. Weasley wouldn't do such a thing. So it had to be one of her children.
Percy wouldn't know fun if dropped in the middle of it. Which left….
Harry smiled to himself as he began figuring the pieces of the puzzle out.
The blank parchment was the method through which the magic worked. Harry placed his finger upon it and squeezed a few drops of Grapefruit Juice onto the parchment.
His mind was filled with a desire to sing the song which Dudley had just done.
Pushing the compulsion aside, Harry turned the parchment over. He tested the other side. For some reason, the magic didn't effect that side. Harry, smiling to himself, folded the parchment in half.
The evening after arriving at the Burrow, Harry and Ron were walking upto the top of the burrow to go to bed. Fred and George were making a spectacle of stomping up the stairs behind them. Percy stuck his bespectacled face out of his doorway and addressed the incorrigable twins.
"Excuse me Fred, George. Some of us," Percy said impatiently "Are doing important, ministry-related assignments," Percy puffed his chest out proudly
"And would appreciate a little quiet."
Fred and George just laughed and continued on. Bill Weasley came up to the door where Percy was sneering at his brothers.
"You'll just have to grin and bear it, Perce." Bill told him.
Harry turned to Ron. "Go on without me. I've got to do something."
Ron nodded, and Harry started going back downstairs. Harry nimbly dodged George and trotted down to Ginny and Hermione's room.
Ginny was about to enter her room when Harry came to a stop behind her.
"Ginny?"
Ginny seemed surprised at being addressed by Harry. She turned around.
"Yes Harry?"
The racket, produced mostly by the twins had stopped. Harry knew, even without looking, that the eyes of everyone in the house were on them both. Sure enough, Hermione, who had been dilligently engaged in her favourite pastime, reading, had forgotten her book as she openly stared at Ginny's back and Harry's face.
'Okay.' Harry told himself. "Don't pay any attention to the stares, and whatever you do, don't react."
Speaking aloud, he began to speak to Ginny.
"I just like to give you this…" Harry pulled the parchment out. Ginny did an excellent job of covering her expression of knowledge of the properties of the parchment, and her brows furrowed in puzzlement.
Harry though, was wise to her. He raised an eyebrow, and cast his eyes down on the blank parchment again.
The corner of Ginny's upper lip twitched. Harry handed the parchment to her.
"Thanks." Harry said softly. Ginny gave a small smile.
Of course, no one else had any idea what was going on, except….
Charlie, who barrelled down the stairs and snatched the parchment out of Ginny's hand bellowing "LOVE LETTER!" at the top of his already loud voice as he deftly avoiding knocking over his parents who were standing at the foot of the staircase.
Songfic set to Weird Al Yankovic's Grapefruit Diet – The song was released about five years after the story, but for the sake of the story, lets presume it was around then.
Of course, I own neither the song nor Harry Potter.