AN: Shamelessly took the idea from Terry Pratchett's Thud!. I just had to.
Summary: There are some things in life that are more important than even the most crucial of debriefings or the most serious of board meetings. In the Stark-Rogers household, the most important thing is the reading of Where's My Cow? to little Peter at six PM every evening, no excuses.
(Or the one where not even alien invasions, Doombots, or transdimensional squid the size of Hummers can stop Steve Rogers and Tony Stark, Parents Extraordinaire.)
Steve and Tony had deliberated long and hard about adopting children.
Or really, just Steve deliberated long and hard. Tony was just having little freakouts about it, swinging from 'it's a great idea, I can SCIENCE with him!' to 'it's a horrible idea, I'm bad at parenting!'.
It took the better part of six months, but with Steve's reasoning and convincing (read: puppy dog eyes), Tony finally caved completely.
It would be a lie to say that Anthony Edward Stark grew more responsible as soon as he met Peter Stark-Rogers, but it would be true to say that his priorities were shuffled that day.
For once, Steve Rogers approved whole-heartedly.
It was impossible to ignore the sound of the impatient foot-tapping on the industrial-grade flooring.
Now, if the tapping was coming from one of the more violatile individuals in the room, no one would have cared much, save beyond rolling their eyes.
But no.
It was Steve Rogers, Captain America, the Most Patient Man in the World (the general consensus agreed that it is because he is the Most Patient Man in the World that he can therefore deal with Tony Stark as a spouse), who was tapping his foot, expression one of agitation and annoyance.
Beside him, Tony was staring intently at the clock, tapping his fingers on the table and creating a contrasting rhythm to Steve's steadier beats. Both of the sounds, however, conveyed one thing, and one thing only: impatience.
Tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap. Tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap.
The agent with the Powerpoint at the front of the room gulped and spoke a little faster. The man was only recently promoted. "And, as you can see..." he dithered. "the, uh, amount of property damage is...uh...well you see..."
"Agent Sha. If you are quite finished." The words were said through not-really-but-kind-of clenched teeth. The Captain was very impatient now. "I don't believe there is anything else of importance in this presentation. If the rest of you will excuse us, we have somewhere to be. It's eleven minutes to six, and we will be late if we don't leave now."
Tony stood up with him, bouncing with energy. "You know how it is, time is money, money is time, so chop chop!" The two of them rushed out the door, leaving the rest of the team with a hurried wave.
Sha stammered some more. "Uh, sorry sir, I wasn't aware there were, um, time constraints..."
Natasha only shook her head as Clint snickered. "You really must be new. Steve and Tony have a...standing appointment...at six every evening. It's very important."
Agent Sha stared at her, awestruck. "Surely, debriefing is also...?"
Fury spoke up. "Agent. The Captain and Iron Man are attending to a matter of national security. Now continue and fucking end this presentation, you're wasting my time."
Meekly, the agent turned to the screen.
Meanwhile, in New York, Steve and Tony barely made it with seconds to spare into the tower.
"JARVIS, incoming! We're not going to have time to change. But we made it! We're on time!" Tony gasped as he ran down the hall behind Steve. At the end of the corridor was a door, painted in beautiful pastel blues-and-reds.
They both took a deep breath, and went into the room together.
There he was, the center of their very strange worlds, the core of certainty. Only the best for little Peter, and that meant routine. That's why they always made sure they were home by six, to read the greatest tale ever written to their son.
It was a tale perhaps a bit repetitive in the phrasing, but wonderfully woven. It was a sacred and unbreakable trust, to read it promptly at six every evening, no excuses. To little Peter and his dads, this was every bit as important as the world.
"JARVIS," Tony said quietly. "Dim the lights."
Reverently, Steve began reading to his son.
"Where's My Cow?"
Tony had the important task of the animal noises. It was a very serious task. No one can beat his hippopotamus noises.
There, still in their costumes, two of the Earth's Mightiest Heroes solemnly read to their child.
The board meeting with the European heads of operations dragged on and on. Cups of coffee and sandwiches littered the table, and the skies of Berlin outside the window were dark at almost one AM in the morning.
Tony was building a barricade out of bread crusts as he listened to the man in front drone on and one about third quarter figures. He kept an eye on the clock. Aaaannnnndddd...
"Sir?" JARVIS's voice came out of his StarkPhone. "It is time. They're ready for you."
So there he was, in the middle of Berlin, reading the Book through his phone as the stuck-up trustees with the sticks up their asses tried to pretend that nothing out of the ordinary was happening. They jumped everytime he made the animal noises.
Tony continued reading as the man started sweating about stocks. "Is that my cow? It goes 'Hruuugh!' It is a hippopotamus. That's not my cow!"
Through the camera, Peter giggled and said, "Hr!"
Another day, another alien invasion. Luckily, this one was only a minor incursion, and was mostly cleaned up by around four in the afternoon. Tony heaved a sigh. Ah, finally. A day when they could take their time in getting back to the tower, take a breather, freshen up before the Reading of the Book...
"Sorry, gentlemen." Natasha's voice filtered through the comms. "There was a report of giant squids in Central Park."
"What?! Where did they come from?! And if you tell me it's Richards one more time, I swear to god-" Tony gritted through his teeth as he flew towards the park.
"It's Richards."
"MOTHERFU-"
"Focus, Tony. The sooner we finish this, the sooner we can get back." Steve said.
Tony growled and flew a little faster. He hasn't broken his promise to read to Peter since he was born, and damn it, he was not going to break his promise today!
Just then, as if the universe was conspiring against him, Doombots start swooping out of nowhere.
"A helping of freshly seared squid garnished with crunchy metal bits, coming right up." Tony groaned.
Five fifty-eight.
It was almost six o'clock.
Pepper was starting to get worried.
Peter was all scrubbed clean and in his fuzzy Iron Man footie pyjamas Tony got him for Christmas. He held on to the railing of his crib and stared at her with wide eyes, sucking on his thumb.
"Don't worry, little guy." Pepper said to him. "I'm sure they'll call soon. They've never missed a single one, remember?"
Then, the little nursery clock cheeped. Once, twice, three times...
C'mon c'mon c'mon Steve Tony call NOW please, thought Pepper as she watched Peter's eyes start welling up, in preparation for a temper tantrum of the first degree. Don't fail Peter. Please.
The clock cheeped for the sixth time.
Peter opened his mouth and took a deep breath-
" ,"JARVIS chimed in."There is an incoming call from Sir and Captain Rogers."
"Oh thank the Lord!" Pepper said. "Hurry! You guys are almost late!"
"Not exactly our fault, Pep,"Tony's voice came through the speakers."I'm going to have words with Reed Richards when all of this is over." The background noises of explosions and crashes of metal almost completely covered his shouts.
"Okay, we're here now. Uh, the rest of the team is on the line too, so..."
"Get ready for the best reading experience in your life , kid,"Clint said, "because we'll be joining in!"There were more explosions, along with the twanging of Clint's bowstring.
Pepper smiled and hefted Peter into her lap.
"Where's my cow? Is that my cow? It goes, 'Baa!' It is a sheep! That's not my cow!"Natasha said dutifully.
"Aw, Nat! Give it a little more expression, will you? You can do better than that!"Clint said. In the background, Pepper could hear Natasha snap "shut up, Barton."
"Where's my cow? Is that my cow? It goes-"Steve began. He was cut off but the sound of wet slurping, which Pepper assumed were the giant squid.
Tony picked up for him. "- 'Slurpslurpslurp!' It is a squid! That's not my cow!"
"Tony! What did I say about sticking to the authorized version?!"
"Okay, okay, geez Capsicle. Hush now, this is my favorite part. No one can beat me at the hippo sound! Where's my cow? Is that my cow? It goes-"
"HHHHRRRRRAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!"The distinctive roar of the Hulk made the two of them jump.
"...it is a Hulk. That's not my cow! Huh. Y'know what, never mind. The Hulk makes the best noises."Tony conceded.
"I too shall join in on this honorable tradition! Where is my Cow? Is that my cow? It goes 'Mooooo!' Yes, for that is My Cow!"Thor roared over the comm.
Peter laughed, his eyes sparkling, and said, "Co'!"
All together, they finished off, "Hooray, hooray, it's a wonderful day, for I have found my cow!"Clint was behind everyone else and Thor boomed in that way of his so that really he drowned them out, but Peter was happy and clapped his hands.
That was the most important thing.
Epilogue
Pepper tiptoed into the nursery.
The Stark-Rogers family was fast asleep in a heap of loose limbs and blankets in the center of the room, with little Peter in the middle, protected by his dads, one on each side. The sound of soft snoring was calming.
Pepper giggled and quietly told JARVIS to turn down the lights.
"Good night, and sleep tight, you adorable dorks."