A/N- Ok I usually write dbz fics but as you real writers know sometimes you gotta switch the style up and get your feet wet to new water you know? So this is the first story, yes it is complete, and each chapter or volume will be a complete story unless i make two-partes. ok, enjoy.
As the sun was gleaming over a glorious day in Metropolis, it's citizens were going about their day. It was mid- afternoon and a man was sitting on a park bench reading his Daily Planet paper. As he turned the page he glanced at the sky and was amazed at what he saw.
"Look!" he screeched as he addressed several patrons walking along the street. "Up in the sky! It's a bird!
It's a pla-" he was interrupted by another person's statement. "Actually, it looks more like a diesel-ass
penguin to me."
A woman looks up and says "No, it's Superman. He's just wearing his Tuxedo suit and cape for his wedding today."
This woman was correct in her assumption for Superman was on his way to be wed to Wonder Woman. Though faster than a speeding bullet, he still somehow managed to arrive late to this very special ceremony. It was a great turn out, just about every hero you could think of showed up. Aquaman, Wolverine, Hulk, Ironman, Green Lantern, and Mr. Fantastic just to name a few. Superman arrived shortly after everyone was seated and began to walk slowly up to the altar. The wedding planner then signalled for the rifle men to begin shooting at his chest as he approached the platform on which Wonder Woman was standing. (I mean, could you expect anything less for Superman's wedding?) They emptied their clips and stepped aside to make room for the best man, Batman, and the ring barer, Robin. Superman was now facing his bride and he took her hand readying himself for the next moment. Placing the ring on her finger, he looked at her and said "You look very beautiful Lois." The faint wedding music playing in the background came to a screeching hault.
"What the fuck did you call me, you pencil-dick bastard?" she questioned in hostility.
"I'm sorry baby, you know she meant nothing to me, I'm just still a little shaken up from last night with your
little "Lasso of Truth tie up Superman" game that you decided we should play. That's all. You heard me last
night, You're the only one I love." He spilled out of guilt. "That's ok," she said with a smirk, "But just for that
I'm keeping my name, no dikey 'Superwoman' crap. Ok?"
Superman nodded with his face pointing down as if he was just told not to play ball in the house. They said their I dos and kissed and everyone applauded as the reception began with a loud "POP!" from a Champagne bottle that Flash had prematurely opened. Everyone was having so much fun, listening to old stories, giving tips on what bleach to use on capes, and just plain old good times. Two old friends reunited at this shindig, Green Lantern and Black Lightning, but they stood in the corner separating themselves from the rest of the heroes.
"Hey yo Green, we need some more brothas to be down with the whole Super Friend thang." Black Lightning stated.
"We got super powers and the Man is still keepin' us down man! You mean to tell me only two black super heroes were able to
show up to that cracker's wedding? That's jive man!" he said finishing his rant. "Actually," Green Lantern began to inform, "there's
three. He even has your powers!"
He pointed to an isolated darkened corner of the place where smoke seemed to be floating up into the air. It was Static Shock, puffing on a blunt he had just lit with a spark from his hand.
"Always keepin' the Black man down, I swear, we gotta rise up against these Jive Turkeys! Or at least get
better costumes!"
Black Lightning's voice was soon drowned out by stories going back and forth. Most of the original super friends were at one large table with Superman and Wonder Woman sitting at the head, with a smaller, kiddie table nearby that sat the Teen Titans. All except Robin of course, who was practicing new fighting techniques with the Ambiguously Gay Duo. Flash had gotten Daredevil quite liquored up and pointed him toward 'the bathroom', which turned out to be the wall instead and the blind hero seemed to bounce off the wall and onto the floor. At this time there seemed to be a few late arrivals to the party, all led by Lex Luthor. Magneto, Doc Oc, The Riddler, and the last uninvited guest burst through the door and decided to introduce himself.
"I'm the Juggernaut bitch!"
Luthor was carrying a large box and set it down next to his arch nemesis. He shook hands with Superman and said "Congratulations old boy. I wish that you two share a happy life in matrimony together. Sorry
about the others that followed me here, but they really wanted this to be a whole sabotage and conquer sort
of thing, I however offer a truce between us for today."
They finished their handshake and Superman offered Luthor a seat next to him. A few supers decided to try and show the others out, Gambit began throwing cards at Juggernaut but they failed to have any effect.
"Silly Bitch, dont you know who the fuck I am? Why, I'm the Jugganott! Hurraaaghhh!" The leviathan exclaimed. "And just in case
you forgot-" Gambit interrupted this statement by throwing the Ace of Spades leaving a slightly larger thud across the Juggernaut's
head. " Why you little trench coat wearin' pansy! You dented my helmet! Arrraghhhuughh!" Green Lantern stepped in an
extended his arm with his fist balled up. As the green beam shot forth the Juggernaut continued his words.
" Now you turnin' against me Green boy! I, I custom-made yo suit man!"
A sphere of green light engulfed the giant and Green Lantern waved his arm upwards sending the Juggernaut into the sky. The Hulk and The Thing then powerhoused Magneto and Doc Oc out the door. "Alrighty then," the riddler shouted, "If you can answer this riddle I will leave no questions asked. OK, here goes, What do you call a blonde chick that dyes her hair?" the entire room was puzzled.
"That's one of your older ones riddler, it's called artificial intelligence." Batman answered. The Riddler then promptly left.
"Ok, now that they're taken care of, let's see what you brought me Lex, and it better not be a blender." Superman stated with a glare of heat vision in his eyes. Lex Luthor then lifted a cake out of the box. Luthor then pulled out a small plate and a knife from the box and cut a slice for his enemy. Superman grabbed a fork and took a bite. It was delicious! "Yes, the Food Network is were i contract all of my diabolical schemes from." Luthor said with a light grin upon his face. Superman chuckled but then abruptly started to choke. He fell to his knees, clutching his stomach with one arm while holding himself up with the other. " You put Kryptonite in it didnt you Luthor!" Wonder Woman strongly questioned. " No my dear, it was an ingredient far worse than Kryptonite, I used MSG." The room filled with laughter and fun was had on through the night.
"Honey! I had that dream of our wedding again!" an old crusty man informed. "Go back to bed Clark, its 8 am in the morning." His wife ordered. Instead he rose from the mattress and walked into the other room. He had been retired for 10 years and had become a mess. His cape was now tattered and torn, his boots had been replaced with fluffy red slippers that revealed his super bunions, and his gut protruded from his uniform leaving his naval to show. It had been 50 years since his wedding today. He walked outside to his mailbox to get the Daily Planet and started to read it while walking down the street. Many of the articles stated that crime was at an all time high, Superman decided to do something about it. As he was walking a car pulled up to the stop light bumping loud, rap music with rediculous bass.
"Dagg Nabbit!" Superman exclaimed, "You rotten kids should be ashamed of yourselves blasting that god
awful wracket on a beautiful sunday morning such as this!" He was now standing in front of the car backing
up traffic. "Sir, it's tuesday." One of the kids told him.
A nearby Police Officer heard the commotion and came up to the driver's window and asked what had happened. After hearing this the Officer waved the kids off and pulled Superman off to the side out of traffic. "What are you doin' old timer?" the Officer questioned. "I'm saving the world Officer." Superman reported. The Officer then asked Superman to show him his crime-fighting license, which had "EXPIRED" etched onto it in big red letters. "I'm sorry Superman but you have to get this renewed before you can fight crime again." Superman sighed and then said to himself, "Now i must ready myself for the Greatest Evil I have ever faced, The DMV. He arrived there and got in line behind Batman, who was bent over forwards leaning on his walker. Th e slightly younger Spider-man got in line behind our hero. The trio talked and realized the had all came for the same reason, and not long after they were back out on the streets looking for evil doers. Superman decided he needed a little pick-me-up and the three heroes stopped at a local convenience store. Superman walked in and carefully selected a can of prune juice from the back wall. About this time three young thugs rushed in and pointed their guns toward the store clerk. They informed him that it was a robbery. Batman was rushing towards these convicts but he was not the man he used to be and appeared to be moving in slow motion.
"Hey, my spidey senses are tingling!" Spider-man finally exclaimed. "No, wait, false alarm. It's just my IBS."
"Stand back fellow heroes! This is a job for Superman!" Our hero stated. "Now in my day, when you didnt
have money you couldnt just grab a gun and go rob someone, no we didnt have guns. We had to collect pop bottles all day to
turn them in for 3 cents a piece. And after all that, we still only had enough to buy one bottle of pop! We all took turns sharing the
pop-" "That's enough, I cant take anymore!" the thug screamed as the 3 of them ran out of the store.
The three heroes relished in their victory and walked out of the store. Now confident, the three of them decided to try to kick it up a notch. Superman raised his arm with a balled fist and took off into the sky with somewhat of a slow start. A few moments after he shot into the air he came back down even faster with a big "CRASH!" "OUCH! My hip!" He yelled in pain. Spider-man helped him up and after a few minutes Superman took off into the air again, this time only hovering slightly off the ground. Not too long after they set off the noticed that trouble was afoot. Across the street from a Hoveround dealership was Lex Luthor, the Joker, and the Green Goblin all on hoverounds. Lex Luthor then executed a drive-by purse snatch on a young woman and hit the gas as his minions followed. Superman and his two comrades then got on hoverounds and began to follow Luthor in what became a super chase at a high speed of 2 mph. People watched in awe as six, washed-up old men were blocking the street with their personal wheelchairs. The young woman had seen enough. She took 5 steps forward, snatched her purse back, and walked off going on about her day.
"Curse you Superman and Friends! You have foiled my plans this time, but we WILL meet again." Lex Luthor said as him and his
friends sped off at the same speed. "Guys it's been a long day, you two go on ahead I think i'll head home." Superman told his
teammates.
Batman and Spider-man continued the chase while Superman floated home. He arrived at his house, touched down on his lawn, and proceeded inside. He walked into the kitchen and sat down at the dinner table in front of a cold meal.
"Where have you been Clark?" Wonder Woman question rhetorically for she had been watching the news.
"Nowhere honey, just out with the guys." she said nothing but instead walked into her bedroom and pulled something out of the closet. She came up behind him and wrapped her lasso around his wrinkly neck.
"I got my hero license renewed, I watch the neighbors with my x-ray vision sometimes, We fought against
Lex Luthor today, I like Cambodian breast milk, Ballet is a very enjoyable type of dance to me, I-" She had enough and took it
off of him. "I'm going to bed Clark, goodnight." She said as she stormed off and slammed the door with the sound of it locking
echoing behind her. "Well I guess that means I have to sleep on the invisible couch." He said to himself as he used what little heat vision he had left after 50 years to warm his meal.