A/N: There's a new chapter of Just For Me coming soon, but this wouldn't get out of my head so... I don't even know exactly what it is other than a way things could go that wouldn't totally destroy Reamy or Karmy. Of course, it's not dramatic enough or a big cliffhanger, so the show will probably not go like this.
This, Karma thought, was not what she wanted. Not any of it.
She didn't want to be having visions of Amy and Liam running through her mind. She didn't want every waking moment consumed by thoughts of what they did, how they did it, all the intimate details of something that should have never, ever been.
She hadn't wanted to be alone in her bedroom, staring at the spot where Liam had been sitting. She didn't want to be replaying the conversation, re-seeing the look on his face.
It's not like it was with Amy.
God, she didn't even know why she'd said it. It was absurd, so fucking absurd that it had even come out of her mouth. She didn't even remember it coming into her head and then, there it was, rolling off her tongue.
He hadn't said a word. Even after the look on his face said everything. Even after she told him to go.
No, that wasn't right. He had said something then. Wait.
Sorry. Wrong answer.
The right answer would have been an apology. A pleading, heartfelt apology. Abject begging.
It wouldn't have worked. She'd have still thrown his sorry ass out,
But at least he would've tried.
No, she hadn't wanted to be alone in her room with her thoughts and those agonizing x-rated wonderings drifting through her mind. So, she left. Her parents were still out somewhere with Zen, still clueless that anything had happened, so there was no one to ask any questions or see her red-rimmed eyes as she slipped out the door.
Karma hadn't wanted to think, so she didn't. She forced her mind to shut down, to think of nothing. She concentrated on breathing and walking. Breathe. Walk. Breathe. Walk.
She was on autopilot.
Which is, of course, how she found herself standing outside Amy's house. The only place on Earth she wanted to be less than her own room.
She didn't want to be standing there, just a few feet from what she recognized as Reagan's pickup truck. Her mind wandered to what Amy and Reagan might be doing inside and, well, if Amy and Liam was atop her list of things she didn't want to think about?
Amy and Reagan was a close second.
Karma could feel the rage building. The same rage that had led to her to walk right past Amy at school the day after Liam's "confession". The rage that had propelled her through that day, propelled her away from Amy, away from whatever stupid fucking excuse the blonde might have.
And away from whatever stupid fucking reaction she might have had herself.
It pissed her off. It made her furious. Here she was, standing outside Amy's house. Alone. She'd lost her best friend. She'd lost her boyfriend.
And Amy was inside with her hot new girlfriend. Cuddling. Snuggling. Loving.
That, Karma thought, was just unfair. Un-fucking-fair.
She wanted to leave. Needed to leave. Turned to go.
And couldn't move. Why couldn't she move? There was nothing for her here. Friendship, even ten years of it, had its limits. And Amy had driven theirs well past those limits. Karma wasn't even sure she could see the limits from where they were now.
So, why couldn't she leave?
The front door of Amy's house slammed open and Karma stared, suddenly conscious of the fact that she was just standing there, in the middle of the road, for absolutely no apparent reason.
But she still couldn't move. And, as she watched Reagan storm out of the front door and down the driveway, she knew even if she could, even if she suddenly regained control of her feet and her legs right that very second?
It was already too late.
Reagan saw her and stopped at the end of the drive, watching her. Karma didn't know what to do. Her mind suddenly seized and her body started working on its own. She found herself lifting a hand, as if to wave, her own eyes watching her arm move as if it was attached to someone else.
What the fuck are you doing? You're fucking waving? To her? Like 'hey, Reagan, what's up? Still rocking the ones and twos?
Reagan shook her head and pushed past Karma, heading for her truck. And then, like she'd materialized out of thin air, Amy was there, stumbling at the end of the driveway, hopping across the road in bare feet.
"Reagan, please. Please."
Karma felt herself shiver at the sound. She'd heard that tone to Amy's voice before.
Step off the edge with me.
And, suddenly, Karma very much wanted to be anywhere else. Antarctica. Siberia. The deepest level of hell. Liam's bedroom. Anywhere but here.
Reagan pulled open the door to her truck, and Amy tried one last time.
"I love you."
Karma wasn't sure who was more shocked, her or Reagan. The older girl stopped, halfway into the truck. She stared down at the ground for a long beat - the longest fucking moment of Karma's life, that she was sure of - and then shook her head, climbed in, and peeled out.
Karma was standing behind Amy, and she wasn't even sure the blonde had seen her. She could see Amy's shoulders shaking and she knew her friend - and it was going to take more than a few days to stop calling her that - was crying.
And that was just not fucking fair, either. Not even a little.
Karma was supposed to be able to enjoy this. What goes around, comes around, right? Amy had ruined everything, so this was only fair. Why should Karma be the only one to have to lose it all?
She was the only one who hadn't done anything wrong.
Though, to be honest, even Karma didn't entirely believe that.
"Amy?" The word slipped out of her mouth before she could even think to stop it - and that was something she really needed to stop doing. Amy didn't turn, didn't move, didn't speak. "What happened?"
Karma didn't want to care. Really, she didn't.
Just add that to list.
"I told her about Liam," Amy said. And then she mumbled something about a 'phase' and shook her head as if to say it didn't matter. She turned and looked at Karma. "Why are you here? I thought you didn't want to ever see me or speak to me again."
I didn't, Karma thought. But apparently even I don't care about what I want.
There was no logical explanation for why she was there, so Karma didn't even try. "She'll be back," she said instead. "You just need to give her some time to cool off."
Amy looked like she didn't believe her. And Karma wasn't sure she should.
"I'm gonna head in," Amy said. "I'm…" Karma could tell that it was on the tip of her tongue. Sorry. But Amy had the good sense to let it go without saying as she turned and headed back toward her house.
"Aims?" And oh, for fuck's sake, Karma wondered, could her mind and mouth just get on the same damn page? "Do you want to… I don't know… take a walk?"
"To where?"
Karma shrugged. "Somewhere I can kill you and dump the body?"
Amy started to smile, but caught herself, but then when Karma grinned, she did to0. "People will miss me, you know."
"Yeah?" Karma asked, trying to keep any anger or bitterness out of her voice. "Like who? Your girlfriend just left and I'm planning your murder. Who's gonna notice?"
Amy watched her for a moment, trying to gauge what the girl she'd known for so very long was thinking. But Karma's face was unreadable.
"Let me just go get some shoes on," Amy said. She turned toward the house, but kept glancing back, as if she thought Karma might disappear.
"Take your time," Karma said. "I don't have anywhere else to be."
They walked for a while, mostly in silence. They'd agreed upon leaving the house that everything about the past few days was off limits. So, once they'd exhausted every topic that didn't concern either of their love lives, their friends, or school, they fell into a comfortable silence.
The fact that it was comfortable, as it always was with them, shocked the hell out of Karma. It had been three days since Amy and Liam had destroyed her world. She hadn't seen Liam since the day after and even thinking about seeing him again made her want to throw up. Yet, somehow, here she was, walking side-by-side with Amy and it was the most at peace she'd felt since that fucking look had crossed Liam's face.
Somehow, they ended up at Hester, standing outside the gym. The doors had been propped open, probably by the custodial crew who were still at work disassembling and cleaning up after the "social experiment" the other day. Karma and Amy leaned on either side of the open door, staring into the dimly lit gym.
"I still can't believe you shot him with that arrow," Amy said.
Karma hesitated, as that was clearly one of the forbidden topics, but finally sighed. "He had it coming," she said. "For a lot of things. Besides, it wasn't like it was a real arrow."
Amy kept her gaze straight ahead, almost afraid to look at Karma. "And if it had been real?"
"Did you mean it?" Karma asked, ignoring Amy's question. "What you said to Reagan. Do you love her?"
Amy nodded, a soft 'yes' slipping out from between her lips. Karma couldn't ever remember hearing her so happy and devastated all at once.
"Oh," Karma said. She took a few steps into the gym, simply for lack of anything better to do. She realized Amy wasn't following, so she stopped. "Come on," she said, holding out a hand.
And, remarkably, she didn't flinch when Amy took it.
They wandered into the gym, hand-in-hand, stopping by the odd little structure that had been erected in the middle of the floor. It looked almost like a tent, with wooden poles and a shoddily built roof. Karma still had no idea what the hell the thing was for, it hadn't even been used that day.
Amy walked underneath it and dropped Karma's hand, slowly settling down to the floor. Karma could see her shoulders start to shake again and knew it had been her question that had set it off. She slipped down onto the floor next to Amy and wrapped her arms around the blonde, holding her tight as she cried.
A few minutes and some heavy sobs later, Amy looked up at her. "What are you doing?" she asked.
Karma stared past her, focused on a spot on the wall, or one of the basketball hoops or pretty much anything that wasn't Amy's face. "I don't know," she said. 'You're hurting and I…"
Amy laid her head on Karma's shoulder and sobbed again. "I'm sorry," Amy said. "I'm so fucking sorry. You have no idea…"
You're just confused. I slept with Liam.
Just not like that.
Yeah, Karma thought, she might have something of an idea.
They might have been sitting there ten minutes or it might have been three hours, Karma had lost all track of time. Amy's sobs had tapered off and they were just sitting there, holding each other, like they had so many times before. Karma was afraid to move.
Amy's phone buzzed and the blonde yanked it out of the pocket of her jeans. She was hoping - praying - it was Reagan. Karma watched her face fall as she saw Shane's name on the screen.
"She'll call," Karma said. But Amy just dropped the phone and shook her head.
She twisted her way out of Karma's grasp and stood. She took a few halting steps then stopped. Her whole body was shaking, but Karma could see that she wasn't crying.
"FUCK!" Amy yelled so loud it echoed off the gym walls and sounded like a chorus. "I screwed everything up. You and Liam. Me and Reagan." She looked at Karma. "You and me."
"It's not like you did it alone," Karma said. "Liam… had a little something to do with it." And so did I.
Amy shook her head and walked away, reaching the far wall of the gym and slamming her fists against it. She rested her head on the wall and cursed again under her breath.
Karma sat, staring at her friend. And even as she heard the word in her mind - friend - she knew that even now, even when she wanted nothing more than to hate Amy forever, that one word was so inadequate it wasn't even funny.
They weren't friends. They hadn't been in years. They'd passed friends long before Amy had kissed her at the assembly, long before they'd faked it, long before Liam fucking Booker knew who either of them was.
Karma knew that. She'd always known it, on some level.
Trouble was, she didn't know what the hell to do about it.
All she did know was that it was hurting her and, it seemed, it was damn near killing Amy.
So, whether she wanted to or not, something had to be done about it. Karma saw Amy's phone lying on the gym floor next to her. She pulled it to her and tapped the screen, flipping through until she found what she was looking for. A couple more taps and she felt her own phone buzz in her pocket.
She looked up and saw Amy slumped against the wall of the gym. She was in the shadows, so Karma couldn't tell if she was crying or not, but she figured probably not. It seemed like both of them might have finally cried themselves right out.
Karma stood and moved across the gym quickly, knowing she had to move fast before she lost her nerve. "Amy?" The blonde's head snapped up. "I have to… there's something I need to do, OK? I've got to go. But… I'll be back." Amy stared at her, stormy eyes almost glowing in the dark. "Do you want to stay here or head home?"
Amy shrugged. "Here, I guess. I just… I think I want to be alone for a bit." Karma nodded. She knew the feeling.
She knelt in front of Amy, resting a hand on the girl's knee. "I'll text you in a bit, OK?" Amy nodded and Karma stood. "Amy… I know it doesn't feel like it now, not for either of us, but this will be OK. We'll be OK."
She didn't wait for a response, instead she headed out the door as quickly as she could, waiting until she was far enough away to not be heard, and then she pulled out her phone. She dialed quickly and held her breath.
"Hey," she said when the call went through. "It's Karma. Don't hang up. We need to talk."
Reagan held the door to her apartment open and leaned against it. "Why are you here?"
Karma seemed to be getting that a lot lately. "I told you," she said. "We need to talk." Reagan made no move to let her in. "Look, you can shut the door and ignore me, but then I'll just stand out here yelling and banging on your door. And then your neighbors will get pissed and somebody will call the cops…"
Reagan sighed. "Fine," she said. "You've got five minutes." She stepped aside and let Karma in.
The apartment wasn't huge, but it was nice. Cozy. A TV, a couch, end table, a bookcase. Karma saw a framed picture of Amy and Reagan on one shelf.
Shane was right. Lesbians do move fast.
"What do you want, Karma? I've had enough drama for one day."
Karma laughed to herself. You think this is drama? "Reagan, I mean this in the nicest possible way," she said. "You're an idiot."
"Excuse me?" Karma could see the older girl bristling, but she wasn't in the least intimidated.
"I said, you're an idiot." Karma sat down on the end of the couch. "If you let Amy go, then you're the biggest fucking idiot I know."
Reagan's hands flexed at her side, her mouth opened and closed, and for a second, Karma thought she might smack her. But then she crumpled, her shoulders dropping, and she fell down onto the other end of the couch.
"I'm not letting her go," she said. "I just can't… I can't be with another girl who doesn't even know if she really wants me."
Welcome to Amy's world, Karma thought. "How can you possibly think she doesn't want you?"
Reagan let out a bitter, angry laugh. "She didn't tell me about you. She fucked Liam and didn't tell me that either." She arched an eyebrow at Karma. "Seems like two pretty good signs to me."
"I guess you could see it that way," Karma said.
"And how else could I see it?" Reagan asked. "She lied to me."
Karma nodded. "Yeah, I guess technically she did. But she lied about things that happened before she even knew you. Things that, frankly, were none of your business."
Reagan's eyes grew wide. "Your… relationship… with her was none of my business?"
Karma sighed. This wasn't going at all the way she'd planned. "Did you tell Amy about every girl you ever dated? Did you tell her about every fizzled and failed relationship?" Reagan said nothing. "Look, she should have told you about… us… but she was scared. Amy doesn't let people in easily. Until you. And trust me, that terrified her."
Karma stood up and moved to the bookcase, near the picture. "But it didn't just scare her," she said. "Being with you… it gave her Amy something I never could. No one ever could." Karma stared at the smile on Amy's face in the photo, thinking for a brief moment that she hadn't seen that smile much in the last few months. "In a lot of ways, you're so much better for her than I ever could be."
It was the truth. And it hurt. But Karma knew it had to be said.
"Amy and I… we need some space. A little time apart." Karma couldn't quite believe the words were coming out of her mouth or that she really did think they were true. "I think she figured that out even before all this. I think that's why she kept you a secret at first."
Karma squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. She didn't want to cry and, dammit, for once today she wasn't doing something she didn't want to do.
"We've spent so long together that we've forgotten how to be any other way," Karma said. "And we both need to figure out what some of those other ways are. We need to grow a little. We need… " She shrugged. "She needs you."
Reagan sat quietly for a moment. She wanted to believe what Karma was saying. Really, she did. But there was still something…
"And what happens when you finally figure it out?" she asked Karma. "What happens when you finally realize what the rest of us all know? That you feel something for her. Something more than friendship."
The denial bubbled up to Karma's lips almost out of habit. But she bit it back. Now was not the time for more of the same old bullshit.
"You all think I'm so oblivious," she said. "That I don't ever think below the surface or delve into my feelings. You think I don't know how I feel about her."
"Do you?" Reagan challenged.
"I love her," Karma said simply. No grand pronouncement, no cameras to record the moment, no adoring public to cheer her on. "I always have. Even that night, when she told me how she felt." She hung her head. "I never knew my heart could be so full of joy and pain all at once."
"Why?"
Karma turned and looked at the older girl. "Why don't I tell her?" Reagan nodded. "Because I'm not like you. I'm not like her. I'm not brave enough, not strong enough, not ready enough." She sat back down across from Reagan on the couch. "Because if I tried, if I told her how I feel and then I couldn't do it, if I couldn't… be what she needs… it would break her worse than what I already did."
Reagan blinked away tears. She was starting to understand what Amy saw in Karma.
"I don't know if I'll ever be ready," Karma said. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to be the woman she deserves. And, if someday I can, and I'm too late, it'll break my heart." She let out a long, shuddering breath. "But in the end, all that matters is that she's happy."
Karma stood, holding out a hand to Reagan. "And right now, that happiness is you."
Amy was still in the gym. She didn't know where else to go, what else to do. She was lying on the floor, underneath the tent-shack-gazebo thingy - and what the hell was that for anyway? - just staring up at nothing.
"Amy?" Karma's voice rang out through the gym. "Amy, are you here?"
Amy raised a hand and waved, unable to find the words to even call out.
Karma came over and sat down next to her friend. Her mouth was dry and her heart was racing, but that wasn't all that much different from every other time she was around Amy.
"I'm sorry, Karma." Amy's voice quivered. "I never meant to hurt you. Ever."
Karma got up onto her knees and crawled over Amy, staring down at her. She bit her lip at the sight of her best friend's tear stained face. "I know," she said. She sat back up and took Amy's hands in her own, pulling the blonde to her feet as she stood.
Amy's arms hung limp at her sides and her eyes couldn't seem to fix on anything. She was broken.
Karma took Amy's hand again, steeling herself for what she had to do. "I know you never meant to hurt me, Amy. I never meant to hurt you. But we both did." She squeezed Amy's hand. "It seems like that's all we've done these past few months. Whether we meant to or not."
Amy stared at the ground. She knew where this was headed. She'd known this was coming since the moment she saw Liam's text.
"We're broken, Aims," Karma said. "And I want to fix us. More than anything, I want that. More than Liam or popularity or any of that other… crap." Amy's eyes flickered up to Karma's face for a moment, before dropping back down. "But I don't know how to fix us. I don't think we can be fixed, not right now."
Amy tried to pull her hand away, but Karma held fast.
"But we will be. I swear to you, Amy. We will be." Karma brought her other hand up, cradling Amy's between both of hers. "And until then, I need you to hold onto something for me."
Karma turned Amy's hand over and dropped her half of their 'Best Friend' necklace onto Amy's palm. She saw Amy visibly recoil.
"Karma, no. Please."
"It's not forever," Karma said. She didn't want to do this anymore. She didn't want to, she didn't want to. "I promise," she said. "We just need some time to… heal. And until then, I'm trusting you with this. I'm trusting you with my heart."
Amy's face crumpled and Karma thanked God she was almost done. Is this how she felt when she "set me free"?
"I know my heart is in good hands," she said. Her gaze flicked over Amy's shoulder. "The same way I know I yours is."
Amy looked at her confused. Karma tipped her head toward her friend and Amy turned to see Reagan behind her.
Amy cracked, crumpling to her knees, sobs rolling through her. Karma took a step forward but then stopped.
That wasn't her job anymore.
Reagan slid down onto the floor next to Amy wrapping her arms around the younger girl. "I'm so sorry, Amy. I shouldn't have left." Amy threw her arms around Reagan's neck, holding on for dear life. "I love you, Shrimp Girl," Reagan said. "I'm not leaving. Not ever again."
Karma watched for a moment as the two embraced on the floor of the gym. And as she walked away, she remembered what she'd said to Reagan about that night, the night she'd lied to Amy.
Just not like that.
She'd said she never known her heart could be so full of joy and pain, all at once. After that night, she hadn't wanted to ever feel that way again.
This was not what she wanted. But she knew.
If she was ever going to get what she really wanted? This had to be.
For now.