Title: The Padawan and the Octopus
Author: Obi the Kid
Summary: A Yappy Obi (YO) fic. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan have to suffer through a very long trip on a public transport.
Rating: PG
Obi: Master why are we taking this weird transport? It's like a giant tube with wings. Looks like a bat, except big and blue and with racing stripes down the side. I feel claustrophobic. Can we get off?
Qui: No. We are traveling incognito so we have to stay off the main transports on this trip. Sit down next to the window.
Obi: Why do I have to be on the inside?
Qui: You are small.
Obi: Don't squish me. Why are we incognito?
Qui: Because we are.
Obi: Is that why you have your hair pulled back in a braid? You look like a girl.
Qui: You are one to be talking with your braid glued to the back of your head.
Obi: It hurts too. Healer Terran lied. He said no pain, no gain. I feel pain.
Qui: No pain, no gain doesn't mean no pain. It means if you don't have pain, you can't move forward.
Obi: I don't want to move forward. I just want no pain. Why are you sitting in the middle seat? You're gonna squish me!
Qui: I am not and because this is the seat on my ticket. The seat next to me will be occupied by someone else.
Obi: How long is this flight?
Qui: Seven hours.
Obi: In this seat? I'll never make that. What if I have to pee?
Qui: There are bathrooms in the back.
Obi: Do they sell baja juice on this thing?
Qui: I certainly hope not and if they do, no.
Obi: No what?
Qui: Just no. You are not drinking baja juice.
Obi: Because it makes me pee a lot, right?
Qui: That and it's 99% sugar. That is a bad combination on a transport like this.
Obi: Uh, Master, there's an octopus sitting next to you now.
Qui: Hush, Obi-Wan. You are not to speak to any other passengers and especially you are not to call them names.
Obi: But look at him, he's an octopus. Really. I'm not making this up. Just look. Look to your left. LOOK!
Qui: Would you shut up! He is not an octopus!
Octopus: Actually, I am. Well, of sorts. And we prefer to be referred to by our acronym; MLB.
Obi: Major League Baseball?
Octopus: What?
Obi: You said MLB. That's Major…
Octopus: Multi-Legged Being.
Obi: Ooooooooooooooh. So you're into to all that politically correct crap too, huh? Just like you, Master!
Qui: Obi-Wan!
Octopus: Strange child you have there.
Qui: He's not mine. I'm just renting him for the next 12 years.
Obi: Great. Now I really can't go to the bathroom.
Qui: Why?
Obi: He'll grab me.
Qui: Why would he grab you?
Obi: Because he has eight arms. He has to do something with them.
Octopus: I do not plan on grabbing you or anyone else on this flight.
Qui: See?
Obi: What he said was that he doesn't plan to do it. You can't tell me that one of those arms can't just reach out involuntarily and strangle me to death while I'm on my way to pee. You just can't guarantee that, can you Master?
Qui: No, I can't, but if you keep it up, I might pay him to do it.
Obi: Ha ha. Hey, we're moving!
Octopus: He is an observant one, isn't he?
Qui: He has his moments.
~*~ (2 hours later) ~*~
Obi: Master I have to pee.
Qui: How many cups of water did you have?
Obi: Just the one. You saw me, remember? I spilled the first one on your lap and then that server lady gave me another one and threatened to drown me in it if I made anymore messes.
Qui: She cannot drown you in a cup of water. Although it might be interesting to watch the trial and error process. And yes, you can get up and use the bathroom, but don't harass anyone on the way back there. No touch, no talk, no eye contact. Understand?
Obi: Jeez, I'm not a moron. I can handle walking to the bathroom. Excuse me, Mr. Octopus.
Octopus: MLB.
Obi: No, I can't call you that. It's not what you are. Sorry. Can you move your puckery arms please so I can get by?
Octopus: Tempted…so very tempted…
Qui: Please don't strangle the life out of him. No doubt he is the most annoying child in the galaxy, but I am required to keep him for 12 years without killing him or getting him killed. I would appreciate it if you'd permit him to continue breathing.
Octopus: Amazing he's lived this long.
Qui: You've no idea. You should try living with him.
~*~ (30 minutes later) ~*~
Obi: Master, I'm back! Excuse me again, Mr. Octo-Dude. I need to get back to my squishy seat.
Octopus: You've been gone for ages, child. I was very close to celebrating your demise.
Obi: I got stuck in the bathroom.
Octopus: Why am I not surprised?
Qui: Obi-Wan, where the hell have you been?
Obi: Didn't you hear what I just told Squid Man?
Octopus: Do not compare me to those Teuthida. Neanderthals, all of them.
Obi: Tathudia? Wha…?
Octopus: Unimportant, child. Please return to your seat.
Obi: Octopus are cranky, Master.
Octopus: Octopi.
Obi: They have pie here? Where?
Octopus: Octo…never mind. Hush now.
Obi: Anyway, Master, I got stuck in there and kept pressing all these buttons and then the latch wouldn't work. I would like some pie though.
Qui: There is no pie.
Obi: But…
Qui: How about some quiet time?
Obi: You just had quiet time while I was stuck. That bathroom is about the size of Master Yoda by the way. I hope you don't have to pee, Master. No way you'd fit in there. You'll just have to hold it. Sorry.
Qui: I haven't had anything to drink and if I do need to go, I will do what you should learn to do.
Obi: Adult diaper?
Qui: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. No, you utilize the Force to help you…hold it.
Obi: The Force can do that?
Qui: It can do just about anything. If you would pay attention to my training instead of worrying about hugs and counting the number of words you can use during the course of one single day…
Octopus: That child is the essence of circumlocution.
Obi: I am not!
Octopus: I do believe that you have no idea what the word means.
Obi: Do so!
Octopus: Tell me then, child.
Obi: It means I talk a lot.
Octopus: Well, I'll be a squid's uncle. He's right.
Obi: How come you can talk about squid but I can't?
Octopus: Unimportant. How did you know that word? Did you cheat?
Obi: Yes, I cheated. I have it written on the back of my hand because I knew some giant walking piece of fish bait was going to ask me that question today! How could I cheat?
Octopus: Tell me then, how you knew.
Obi: I know all those words that tell me I have a big mouth. Circumlocution. Loquacious. Garrulous. Effusive. I'm not a complete moron, you know.
Octopus: No…not complete.
Obi: You should apologize to me Squidy.
Octopus: For what?
Obi: For assuming I was an idiot.
Octopus: I did not…assume.
Qui: Okay, enough. Both of you. Please, sir. If you don't speak to him, he'll eventually shut up.
Octopus: Five hours left on this flight. I have my doubts that your eventually will actually happen.
Obi: I can be quiet.
Qui: Good. Start now.
Obi: But…
Qui: Now!
Obi: You're no fun anymore.
Qui: I was never fun.
Obi: True, but I had hope it would happen one day.
Qui: Hush.
Obi: This is boring.
Qui: If you crave excitement, the Dark Side is never far away.
Obi: That's bull and you know it. I'll never go dark. They don't hug on that side of the fence. They just torture and maim. Like those pictures in Master Bren's book.
Qui: Good. One less thing I have to worry about.
Obi: Is that why my apprentice goes Dark Side?
Qui: Please don't start again. Always rambling about this future you cannot foresee. It's all in your head. Face it, Obi-Wan, your imagination is…creative.
Obi: It is. But it's honest too. You wait. Some chick with pastries on her head will one day help to save the galaxy. I guarantee it.
Qui: Whatever you say, Padawan.
Obi: Are we there yet?
Qui: Five…no…four and a half hours from now we will be.
Obi: Damn.
Qui: Excuse me?
Obi: Well, it was a word that needed a time and place and I found it. You say it all the time.
Qui: One more word and I will put you out cold.
Obi: But…
Qui: Goodnight, Obi-Wan.
~*~ (Two hours later) ~*~
Obi: Master, what did you do?
Qui: I put you to sleep for a while. Although the Force suggestion I gave should have lasted longer than two hours.
Obi: Strong in the Force is he, that young Kenobi boy.
Qui: Don't start with the third person speak.
Obi: I broke through, didn't I?
Qui: Yes.
Obi: I was strong in the Force. That's good, right? Can I have a hug?
Qui: No.
Obi: I know, I know. You have a reputation to maintain, even if you are trying to travel incognito, which you aren't doing a very good job of by the way, referring to me by my real name and title, and letting me call you Master. Not the smoothest of undercover work, Master. See? I did it again!
Octopus: You do understand that I can kill you with one tentacle tied behind my back, yes?
Obi: Not talking to you, Legs!
Octopus: You asked for it.
Qui: Enough! You, sir, remove your tentacle from the boy's neck. You, boy. Stop talking. Now!
Obi: Can I get something to eat? It would occupy my mouth.
Qui: Good idea. Go up front and see if the attendant has any snacks.
Obi: Okay. Um, Mr. Octopus? I'm sorry for being a pain and for calling you names, but I need to get by you again. Please don't strangle me.
Octopus: Get something chewy so it'll occupy you for longer than thirty seconds. Maybe something that can choke you into unconscious submission as well.
~*~ (30 minutes later) ~*~
Qui: Obi-Wan, where the hell have you been?
Obi: You ask me that every time I get up and leave.
Octopus: Because you keep returning just when we think we are free from the affliction.
Obi: Yeah, funny stuff. I had to con them into letting me have food. They wanted to charge me ten credit chits for a bag of crackers. There are like three crackers in here. Hello? Here, I got you both something too.
Qui: Where did you get the money to pay for it?
Obi: I didn't pay. I used my training. You keep harping on me to use what you teach me. So I did.
Qui: Tell me you didn't.
Obi: I did. I manipulated their minds with the Force and I got food. Here, it's in my pockets. One for Mr. Octopus. One for Master Qui-Gon. And the rest for me.
Qui: There are twenty bags there.
Obi: I'm hungry.
Qui: You should not use the Force in that manner, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Make up your mind, Master. Sheesh! Use your training, don't use your training, listen to me, don't listen to me. It's no wonder I'm confused all the time.
Octopus: He does have a point, Jedi.
Obi: See, Master? Even Octo-Boy knows we are Jedi. This incognito crap doesn't work worth a crap.
Qui: You can't use the word crap twice in one sentence.
Obi: So you're the sentence police now? Are you that bored, Master?
Qui: You wear me down, Padawan. You really do.
Obi: I know. I'm sorry.
Qui: Are you really?
Obi: Part of me wants to be. The other part of me can't help itself.
Qui: I suppose that's as good as I'll get from you. Two hours left in the flight, how about you try and not get yourself killed?
Obi: I should sleep?
Qui: You should, without me having to force it on you.
Obi: You made a pun, Master. Force. Ha ha. Funny.
Octopus: I'd be glad to choke him out if you'd allow it.
Qui: As much as I would enjoy the quiet, violence is not the way to silence.
Octopus: Actually, it is. It's just an untidy way to achieve it.
Qui: Perhaps next time.
Octopus: I will endeavor for there to never ever be a next time.
Obi: Master, I'm tired.
Octopus: A miracle has come upon us.
Qui: Don't get your hopes up.
Obi: I think this incognito stuff is for the birds. It's uncomfortable. They don't have baja juice. They charge outrageous cracker fees. The bathrooms are to be utilized only by troll-sized beings. And they try and lock you inside. Tentacles are everywhere. And I gotta stay squished for seven hours. You know I'm not a big fan of flying, Master. Next time, can't we just rent a ship or our own? At least then I don't get squished. We should have asked Master Bren to come along. She'd know how to keep me entertained. And she would have hugged me too. I miss being hugged. Can we go visit Dex when we get home, Master? He's the best hugger. We should buy him some suspenders though, or a belt. Well, maybe he's the second best hugger. Master Brazo still ranks up there, even though he avoids me now. What happened to him, Master? He used to be such a fun loving guy and now he slams doors in my face. Maybe I should remove him from the best hugger list. I can replace him with Master Bren. Women make good huggers too. You know all about that, don't you, Master? Well, hugging and slobbering. Good thing you close the door when you slobber on her, you know how I feel about adult mush. But seriously….are we there yet?
Octopus: All in one breath too.
Qui: Told you so.
Obi: Master, I have to pee again.
Octopus: Oh, crap.
Qui: No, you don't.
Obi: I do.
Qui: No, you don't.
Obi: Trust me on this one, I do. You know how upset the lady was when I spilled water? Well, this isn't water and it'll be more than a little splash on the floor. I have to go.
Qui: Use the Force and stop it from happening.
Obi: You can be as high and mighty as you want with your ability to stop peeing on command, but I just don't have that kind of patience, time or ability. Please let me up.
Qui: Hold it.
Obi: Master, I can't!
Qui: You can and you will. Use your training, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Master, it's gonna flow!
Qui: You can do…
Octopus: Oh for the sake of the Republic and its forebears, let the child use the urination facilities!
Obi: Yeah, what he said.
Qui: No self control. Pity. I will hug you if you can hold it.
Obi: Blackmail, Master, is so very wrong in this situation. But still, I can't do it. No hug. Gotta pee. Bye!
Octopus: You should really invest in therapy.
Qui: He's tried that. He drove his psychiatrist insane enough to leave the planet.
Octopus: Interesting, however I was referring to therapy for the both of you. Each of you is past the life span of your mental sanity. Assistance is warranted.
Qui: Certainly I will take your advice. You do know you're an octopus, yes?
Octopus: Insufferable! Just like the little monster child of yours.
Qui: Obi-Wan is many things, a monster is not one of them. I would appreciate you refrain from calling him such.
Octopus: Having been witness to his antics these last…many many hours, the term 'monster' seems to fit quite nicely. Worse, he's like a tiny little horror show that will one day rise up and destroy humanity and all other races with it. Intolerable brat is what he is.
~*~ (10 minutes later) ~*~
Obi: Awww, Octo-Man is sleeping. How cute. Or not.
Qui: He's not sleeping, he's unconscious.
Obi: How'd that happen?
Qui: I hit him.
Obi: You what?!
Qui: I punched him in the face.
Obi: Damn!
Qui: Obi-Wan…
Obi: Sorry. He scared you with all those crazy arms he has going on, right?
Qui: No, that wasn't it. He said something that I didn't care for.
Obi: He called me names, didn't he?
Qui: He…wait. How did you know that?
Obi: Because you don't like it when other people call me names, that's your job to call me names, not the job of strangers. Am I right?
Qui: That's correct. If you are to be insulted, it should be me making the insults.
Obi: Awww, I love you, Master. I knew you weren't that mean grumpy man you pretend to be.
Qui: Yes, certainly. Go with that thought. Oh look, we're about to land. Sit down, Padawan. Our journey is almost over.
Obi: I did pretty good, Master, didn't I?
Qui: If that's what you want to call it, sure.
Obi: How come you didn't have to get up once? Not to pee or stretch your legs or anything. Did you get up when you punched Squiddy in the face?
Qui: No, I borrowed a little strength from the Force.
Obi: Isn't that cheating?
Qui: He has eight arms. I don't think so.
Obi: I'm proud of you, Master. You stood up for me. Well, technically you didn't stand. You sat and punched him, so you sat for me? No, that's not right. You stood…sat…fell…
Qui: Obi-Wan?
Obi: Yes?
Qui: Hush.
Obi: Okay, just this once though.
Qui: I can live with that.
Obi: You really don't have much choice in the matter.
Qui: True. At least you only have two arms.
Obi: The better to hug you with?
Qui: No, it's just less creepy.
Obi: You know that's right!
The End