Author's Note: In its intended form, this would be a canon rewrite discussing the effects of gender hiding in older military units. The point is not the pairing, though it did make the most sense.

Agnes

Chapter One: Consequences of Paperwork

It happened because of the sole aim of getting Roy Mustang out of further paperwork.

It was late one afternoon, early evening, about an hour and a half before it was time for the office to head home, the unit's work finished for the day. And Hawkeye had finally taken away every paper airplane, every fountain pen and every ink well, had stacked a pile of papers in front of him, and had just looked.

And so Roy had sighed, and happened to glance down at the first one - ah, excellent. One of Ed's reports.

This marked the first time he'd ever had that thought.

So he ran his pen smoothly down the page, now smirking slightly, and his unit was just starting to wonder whether he'd lost his mind when he came across the first major possible error. He circled and put a question mark around it.

"Breda," he said pleasantly, "please bring Fullmetal in here."

Hawkeye's eyes closed in irritation - muted, suppressed irritation, but irritation all the same.

Roy could admit it at least to himself: getting into an argument with a cranky Edward Elric who had just been yanked from his dormitory sounded like a lot more fun than doing paperwork.

So Breda sighed, rolled his eyes, stood with an unnecessary amount of energy from his desk, and went to the dorms to get the Fullmetal Alchemist and probably his brother.

But he came back about ten minutes later, alone.

"Al answered the door, boss," said Breda, shrugging and going back to his desk. "Said his brother was busy reading. You know Fullmetal. He always gets Al to answer when someone knocks on the door in the evenings. Got all that research to do, I guess."

"I still maintain that no one, not even Edward Elric, can put as much single-minded tenacity on one single research subject as Edward Elric," said Fury. "I mean, the kid's gotta have a life at some point."

"Eh. Some are not so enlightened," said Havoc.

"Can you do your work now, sir?" Hawkeye asked in a faux calm and pretend patient voice, in that low tone she had that made people listen when she barked orders.

Well this wouldn't do at all.

"Come to think of it," said Roy slowly, frowning, "... has Fullmetal ever answered when someone's come to his door past five?"

"Don't think so, boss," said Fury. "You've definitely called him in enough."

"You can say that again," Breda muttered.

Havoc shrugged, looking nonplussed.

Roy smirked and stood. "I say we pay the Fullmetal Alchemist a little visit," he said to his team's surprised faces.

Fury didn't see the point. Havoc and Breda pointed out that it beat doing paperwork. Hawkeye patently thought the whole thing a total waste of time but typically in the end followed lead patiently.

And so they were heading across the grounds just as Hughes was heading home from intelligence.

"What's with the party?" he asked, pausing and frowning slightly, puzzled.

"We're calling on Ed," said Roy cheerfully, with his best helpful-military-man smile.

"When we should be doing work," Hawkeye filled in the blanks for Hughes.

"Ah, great!" Hughes recovered and beamed. "There's a new, beautiful picture of Elicia and Gracia I haven't shown the Elric brothers yet!"

And so by the time they got to the Elric door, it actually was a party. Colonel Roy Mustang knocked in an official sort of way. Never let it be said he didn't have manners in foisting off the oncoming threat of paperwork.

Al opened the door. "Ye -? Whoa!" And then he did a weird thing. He pushed the door further closed until only a sliver of his helmet was peeking out. "Umm… hello?" he squeaked.

Roy registered distantly that Al was a terrible liar when he was hiding something.

"We're here to see your brother," he said, a quieter, different smile coming onto his features this time. He and Hughes exchanged a look.

"I have a new photograph to show Ed! Look! Gracia's pushing Elicia on the swings!" Hughes recovered brightly, holding up the photograph.

"Oh, that's… that's very nice," said Al in a strained voice. "But, ah, I really don't think now is the time -"

This was odd. Roy had never called on Ed for a meeting in the evening himself before, he always had someone else call Ed to the office for him, and this was distinctly odd.

Then they heard it. A girl's voice coming from inside the Elric barracks.

"Al, what's going on?! Is everything okay?! He's gone, right?!" It sounded echoey and tinney - like it was coming from the bathroom. And there was something familiar about it, but in the first moments no one could place what.

Havoc grinned. "He's got a girl in there! Hey, Ed -!" And before anyone could stop him, Havoc had barreled through into the Elric barracks. Al had shrieked and run after him. Everyone else had run after Al.

And they all burst into the unsuspecting occupants of the bathroom at once, no one sure whether they were charging in there or being pulled back from the bathroom themselves.

Occupant. There was only one person in there.

Edward Elric had just taken off most of his clothes, and it was stunningly obvious that he was not in fact Edward Elric. Not unless he was one way and self-identified the other, at least. Physically, the Fullmetal Alchemist… was a girl.

She had just taken off body bindings and she was small and slim, so physically she could have passed as a boy. Her face was also slim but rather androgynous, and with her long blonde hair in a more boyish hairstyle… yeah, during the daytime it could work.

Though how she'd worked the voice part out was a mystery to all. Because in her next breath… she definitely did not sound like Edward Elric.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING IN HERE?! GET OUT!"

She did, however, have Edward Elric's temper.

And, screaming, red faced, she grabbed the bathroom door and slammed it in several stunned faces. She slid the bolt and locked the bathroom door.

Laughter and conversation could be heard from people going back and forth outside the front door, underneath the window as well.

"... Ed." Roy's voice was strained. If Ed was even close to her original name. "Ed, you need to get out here and we need to discuss this. Right now."

Unseen by all, she had slid down against the other side of the bathroom door and sat on the floor on her butt. She was just sitting there, trying hard to breathe.

"... I know," she said at last. "I know, I'm just - I'm trying to figure this out."

Her voice, upon further reflection, did sound a lot like Ed's.

"Sister, I'm sorry!" Al sounded somehow close to tears from inside a suit of armor. "I tried not to answer the door but Havoc pushed past me and -!"

"I know, Al, I'm - it's fine. I mean, it's not fine." She gave a hollow laugh. "But I'm not angry with you."

Al fell into a strained and obviously embarrassed silence. Even his body posture spoke of overt humiliation. Roy supposed it would be that way, seeing your older sister naked.

… Older sister. Fuck.

"Alright, just -" They heard a deep, shaky breath from inside the bathroom. "Just let me get ready."

And she emerged a few minutes later - not even close to Edward Elric.

"My God," said Hughes quietly into the silence, and he sounded genuinely impressed, which was more of a feat than it sounded like at first glance. "I could walk right by you and not even recognize you."

"You have." The girl who was not Ed slumped over, her face still as expressive in her pretend agony as his had ever been. "It was actually really nerve wracking the first time it happened."

"Ed - how - why the fuck -?" Roy Mustang was very rarely lost for words, and he let down his guard and swore even more rarely. But in this case he was utterly baffled.

Because on top of everything else, in revealing clothes this girl who was not Edward Elric did not even look sixteen. Easily did not look sixteen. So just who the hell was she? She was wearing open automail and she had the same golden eyes. Should have been a dead giveaway, right?

Except it wasn't. She was slim and muscular, small but not in an unpleasant way, wearing a cream-colored mini dress. Her long arc of blond hair was swept down one side of her head, face, and body. She wore layers of makeup, including red lipstick, and she didn't actually look like Ed at all.

She looked into Roy's face, and sighed.

"Okay," she said. "Sit down. I guess it's time for me to explain. And then you can just - decide what you do from there." She waved her hands once, as if throwing them up, and looked away.

"But Sister -!" Al hissed.

"Al, we always knew there was a chance it might come to this," said not-Ed seriously. "And we knew that by hiding this, we risked military action."

"Serious military action," Roy hissed, just barely holding himself back. "Just who the hell are you?"

She actually almost looked hurt, staring at him solemnly.

"Everything you know about me is true," she said, looking at him in an almost worried fashion. "Except for three things: yes, I'm a girl. I self-identify as one and everything. I hid myself on purpose. My real name is Agnes Elric, and I'm nineteen, not sixteen.

"It was easy to hide," she said matter of factly. "I was a late bloomer and young boys sound a lot like girls, so as embarrassing as this is, it was easy when you first met me to pass off as a younger boy. As for official records…? Eh, well, I grew up in Resembool, so honestly I just bribed the poor old official down at the courthouse with a really big packet of cigarettes and he forged a changed copy of the only document proving I exist. I have the real one.

"And before you go getting any funny ideas! That man died of a heart attack two years ago.

"Later, it became harder. I had to start using body bindings on my abdomen, I wore androgynous clothes, and this is going to make you hate me even more but I kind of used the money you paid me with to pay for private voice lessons and I called it 'research'."

She put air quotes around the words as she said them slowly, wincing.

"And believe me," she finished, "no one appreciates the fact that you haven't had me arrested yet more than I do."

She was looking at Roy. Everyone was, in fact. Watching him, hesitating…

"I'm not going to have you arrested," he said quietly. Agnes relaxed, practically sagging over against the bedpost, and Al wasn't far behind her. "Which brings us to the crux of the problem… why wouldn't you trust me with this?" he finished. And he was…

Yeah, he was a little hurt.

"I've kept all your secrets, E… Agnes. Always."

"I know," said Agnes quickly, raising her hands. "Which leads me to the next part… why didn't I say anything?"

She could see the anger growing in Roy's eyes, so she started talking more quickly.

"At first, I didn't know if I could trust you all the way, okay? I wanted to seem impressive. And people are impressed by young genius guys who want to be state alchemists. They're weirded out by adult women who want to be state alchemists. And I'm not saying you're like that! Or anything. But…

"Well, I didn't know that back then. And then the whole… thing happened.

"So I was on a mission in whatever random-ass part of the country you'd decided to throw me this week. And the military guy in command there… during the course of the mission, he kind of found out I was a girl? And he said all these really horrible things about how many laws I'd broken! And he threatened to report me. And then the guy we'd been fighting - we'd thought we were alone, but we weren't - that guy attacked him from behind and killed him.

"But it got me thinking… You know, you'd have to say something, I guess, wouldn't you? If you knew. It's kind of what that guy implied. And I know you haven't said anything about my search for the Stone, but with gender, after that, it just seemed…"

Agnes looked down.

"... Different," she finished, unusually quietly.

"... It's not," said Roy quietly.

Agnes looked up in relief. "Really?" She was twisted around herself and it was weird, watching Fullmetal act like a kid who had broken a rule, like she was actually sorry for something.

Maybe that wasn't a young prodigy thing. Maybe that was just an Agnes thing.

He sighed. "Not for me," he admitted, and slumped back against the wall, deciding he was too tired to be angry.

"That guy you met was a dick," Havoc decided indignantly. "That… who was it again?"

"Encina," said Agnes dryly.

"Exactly. Encina was a dick."

"He was behaving in accordance to protocol," said Hawkeye.

"Hey -!"

"I never said he wasn't a dick," Hawkeye clarified, completely straight faced. "I never said he wasn't completely insensitive to the fears of a young female scientist in the military. I just said he was behaving in accordance to protocol."

Hughes snorted at the veiled insult.

"... Thanks, Hawkeye," said Agnes, smiling reluctantly, and Hawkeye smiled slightly back.

"Well I think it's horrible," said Hughes bluntly, sitting back. "You were, what -? Not even eighteen at the time? And he honestly didn't understand why you'd want to hide in an environment like the military? It doesn't even sound like you got points for bravery."

Trust Hughes to make the most surprisingly rational point.

"Does this mean any of us get to flirt with you?" Breda asked, grinning.

"No," said Agnes flatly.

"... Not even in private?"

"Definitely no!" Agnes snapped, red-faced.

Breda's smile turned into a scowl. Fury chuckled.

"Wow, so… we're really okay?" Al asked with tentative hope.

For some reason, Agnes turned frowning to Roy. "... Yeah," he decided, watching her, still sprawled lazily back against the dormitory wall like a cat. "We will be. Though honestly? At this point? I should probably just pull 315."

"315?" said Agnes warily.

"That if an underling revealed something at the beginning to a technical commanding officer in private, that commanding officer could go public with it at any time if necessary," said Hughes gently. "And he's right. At this point it's safer."

"You'd… lie like that for me?" said Agnes, surprised. "Just… pretend you always knew I was a girl?"

"Always the tone of surprise when I help," Roy sighed mildly, standing to his feet and recovering some of his former poise.

"Eh. You just want me in your favor." Agnes scowled and squinted at Roy - then relaxed. "Thanks, Mustang," she said more seriously.

"Which brings me to… what the hell do you do in the evenings, Fullmetal?" Roy asked, bewildered.

"Uh… what?" She blinked big, golden, puzzled eyes.

"Breda pointed out that Al always answers the door in the evenings," said Fury helpfully. "That's why we came to check it out."

"Unless you always walk around your dorm like this," said Roy, raising an eyebrow, and Agnes flushed.

"Oh! Well… I kind of…" She looked around and muttered at her feet, "I go out dancing. You know. As a girl. Drink, since legal age is eighteen. That kind of a thing."

"Sometimes she brings home guys," said Al matter of factly.

"Al -!" Agnes began, hissing, red-faced, and this just officially became interesting.

"Sister has a really weird way of flirting," said Al, staring off into the distance, sounding curious. "Sometimes a guy follows her home and then she knees him right in the balls. Once she told a guy to take off her fucking jacket before moss grew on her back from her time slumped against this doorframe. Another time she took a guy home to her door and he said he'd like to come in? She said she always wanted a pony and neither of them were getting what they wanted and then she slammed the door in his face."

"I just… always make sure they're not military-affiliated," Agnes admitted, shrugging, when everyone turned to stare at her. "Then I take a hangover remedy the next day. At least… I'm pretty sure they're hangover remedies." She frowned. "I always transmute them the night before, so I'm never exactly sure. I mean, for all I know, one morning I could drop dead of arsenic poisoning from my own stupidity."

She shrugged casually, like this was no big deal.

"You are no longer allowed to go out on your own," Roy mandated, straightening, eyes narrowing. "You obviously can't handle yourself."

He wasn't sure if this feeling was parental or not anymore, and that made it weirder. Technically, he was still older and he still outranked her.

Technically.

"Screw you! I've never read the military handbook but I'm pretty sure 'you don't understand hangover remedies' is not an official military reason!" said Agnes, fiery.

"Sister, maybe it not might be the best idea right now to -" Al began hesitantly.

But Roy had a different question. "Wait… you've never read the official military handbook?" He blinked. Even he had done that.

"Yup. And I got by without it just fine for a good four years," said Agnes proudly.

"... Is there anything else you have to tell me?" Roy growled, teeth gritted.

"Yeah, I have a second brother."

"WHAT -?!"

Agnes began snickering. Roy realized he'd just been had and put two fingers against his nose. He held them there, eyes squeezed shut.

"He's this close to setting me on fire," Agnes stage-whispered.

"Yes," Roy forced out. "Yes, he is."

Perhaps Agnes and Al heard his tone, because Agnes began laughing nervously and the two began ushering everyone toward the door.

Roy decided he just had to get one last dig in. "You know, the only reason you pulled this off," he said, faux wise, and Hawkeye closed her eyes in preparation, "is because Edward Elric wasn't an adult and women are shorter than me -"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL SHE CAN FIT UNDERNEATH THE FRONT DOOR -?!"

Agnes lost it and Al had to hold her back as she began spitting fire, gold eyes blazing. Roy Mustang smiled and shrugged mildly, inciting Agnes to further growling heights of rage from within the grips of Al's suit of armor.

"You know," said Hughes, suddenly speaking up, sly, "once word gets around that you're female… Since you've never read the handbook, you wouldn't know that State Alchemist rankings work differently? State Alchemists are all classified as their own independent soldiers. It was originally crafted as a law to make creepy alchemist babies and all of that, but for your purposes… You could date anyone in this military that you wanted to."

Roy Mustang stiffened.

Agnes stared at Hughes, weirded out. "I don't know what you're trying to imply…" she said slowly, "and it could be a lot of things… and I'm not letting you stick around so I can figure out which one it is! Go! Go!"

She shoved everyone out of her dorm and slammed the door shut, Hughes smirking in obvious pride all the while.