This is a companion fic to my No Children headcannon, but you don't need to read it in order to fully understand this one.
I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place
August 1999:
Izzy wasn't sure when he'd started feeling this way. Hell, he wasn't sure when he'd started feeling at all.
For as long as he could remember, he'd always tried to be the perfect son. He was always calm and polite, never doing anything that could bring even the barest hint of shame on the Izumi name. Not loud, or rambunctious, and never one to cause discord. After all, he'd been chosen by his parents to be brought into their lives, he wasn't going to do anything to make them regret that decision. Any heights or lulls of emotion were quickly squashed under thought of how it would reflect on the two that had no obligation towards him. If anything, he owed it to them to remain stable and perfect.
So he'd been so very confused when they'd sent him to summer camp for a week. He hadn't known then that his parents were worried about him, that his mother was hoping that, for once in his life, he would act normal instead of perfect. But he accepted it with the same grace and dignity that he did all things and tried his best to stay out of the way. He would show the other campers just how good he was and he would come home in that same level state he'd left in.
Until those strange metal devices had fallen from the sky, however, and he'd been whisked away with six other children to an awesome world where he'd been forced to confront everything he'd ever held dear.
Especially his fastidious hold on his emotions.
It was in those long digital months, he supposed, that he'd allowed himself to smile more. To show his joy, his sorrow, his fear, and even his excitement. And to his surprise, the other Chosen Children hadn't cast him aside. He'd let his perfection slip, and they had embraced his true self, perhaps more so than the carefully crafted shell he'd encased himself in. And the more he showed them, the more he found out about himself.
That he actually enjoyed being around the others. That walking around in the fresh air, despite the constant dangers, was much more preferable to sitting in the dark of his room.
But it wasn't until the very end of their journey that he'd discovered the biggest secret he didn't even know he'd had.
The group of eight Children had been set down on the shoreline of Dragon Eye Lake. The water lapped gently at the beach and the further they looked, the more they could see coming into focus. At first it was just distant fog, but slowly, surely, the barest outlines of the furthest continents could be seen taking shape. Izzy was sitting in the grass, sunshine warming him from the nothingness they had just descended from. He could still hear Apocalymon's sobs, reverberating long after his death in the depths of his mind, and there was a brief moment where he thought he would fall into his own despair, that he would never be able to emerge from the absolute darkness overtaking his soul.
Then Tentomon leaned against him, looking up with large lime-green eyes, and any doubts he had about himself vanished with a wave of love and reassurance. He smiled and closed his eyes, just barely leaning against the bug as he listened to Mimi chattering breathlessly to Palmon about anything and everything, as though she couldn't get the words out fast enough. It was relaxing, to finally know that the Digital World was safe and sound, and that any threat that might have came up now would be a piece of cake.
Which is what Joe must have been thinking when he stood suddenly, holding Gomamon who was dripping all down his front, fresh from the lake.
"Hey, guys," he started, sounding so nervous for such a peaceful moment in time. Izzy cracked open one eye, wondering what could be so terrifyingly important now. "We've been through so much together, and I think it's time I told you all something..."
"What is it, Joe?" Tai asked, flopping back in the grass. "You gonna tell us it's really you who was behind all this evil crap and now we have to kick your ass?"
The group laughed, an easygoing noise that floated easily on the breeze, and even Joe chuckled.
"No, I, uh..." he swallowed hard. "I wanted to tell you that I, I'm... gay."
There was a brief pause before Mimi asked, "Is that all, or is there more?"
"What?" Joe looked up and Gomamon wriggled out of his grasp, landing easily on the grass. "What do you mean?!"
"You can't expect us to be shocked," Mimi said with a warm smile. "I mean, really, Joe?"
Joe pouted. "I thought I hid it well..."
Gomamon just laughed. "I kept telling you, they aren't going to care." He sidled up to Tentomon, asking, "What is 'gay' anyway?"
Tentomon shrugged and looked to Izzy. He wasn't too knowledgeable about human terms.
"It means," Izzy explained, "that he feels a physical, emotional, and sexual attraction to those of his same gender." The Digimon continued to look at him. They still didn't understand what gender was. "He's a boy who likes other boys."
"Mimi likes boys," Palmon spoke up. "Does that make her 'gay'?"
"No," Sora said, "because Mimi's a girl. That makes her straight, like the rest of us."
The other Digimon were still confused, trying to sort out what things like "genders" and "sexuals" were, while Sora's words rang in Izzy's mind.
"Like the rest of us."
Was that right? Even as the streetcar passed through the gate, and he waved what he thought was his final goodbye to Tentomon, her words continued to echo. The other children sat in silence as they passed through the same swirling vortex that had dragged them to the Digital World in the first place, each lost in their own tearful memories, and all Izzy could think of was the other Children. How did he truly feel about each and every one of them? It had been so long since he'd sealed himself away from his own emotions, it was getting hard to place what they actually were.
As the streetcar set them down in the rubble of what used to be the Fuji TV station, he came to a realization.
They were his friends. They would be there for each other, no matter what. And that was perfectly ok.
March 2000:
Izzy was still shaking, his stomach still churning. Even in the Digital World, he'd never felt this terrified.
He'd almost died. Everyone in Odaiba had almost died! If it hadn't been for Tai and Matt, Japan would have suffered another catastrophic bomb explosion.
His mother hadn't said anything when he'd come home, collapsing in his bed without a word. Kae knew he was exhausted from running back and forth from his complex to Tai's, and wanted him to get enough rest. It had been nine months since he'd come back from the Digital World, after all, and he wasn't walking tens of miles a day anymore. It wasn't until she turned on the television, frantic news reporters screaming at her about the missile now sitting next to the Rainbow Bridge that she realized just how lucky she was to have such a wonderful son. She considered going to his room, waking him and telling him how proud she was of him, but she knew that he would only get embarrassed. She would make him a special meal tonight, then.
But Izzy wasn't sleeping. Even with the vision of the Peacekeeper at the forefront of his mind, even with exhaustion tugging at his heavy lungs, even with his body demanding to shut down and rest, he could only think of his friends.
He'd been the first to find Diaboromon's egg, and Tai had been the first person to come to mind. But why was that?
Obviously, because he was the closest. Because he had been their leader once. Because he practically memorized all those dumb action movies that had this same plot.
Or maybe it was because Tai was the only one he'd actively kept in contact with. The one he called once a week, the one he made sure to find in the hallways of their elementary school every day, the one he continued to show up at soccer club for.
But they were all friends. They were all equally important to him, weren't they?
He couldn't recall thinking of Kari, or Matt, or even Mimi this much, and the pink-clad girl was in his class!
So he lay on his back on his bed, willing his beating heart to slow, his stomach to stop rolling, his hands to stop shaking. He was safe, Japan was safe, so he shouldn't be so scared anymore. Matt and Tai had saved them. Tai had saved him.
Tai...
Izzy put a hand over his chest, slowly realizing something. It wasn't Peacekeeper that was making him quiver inside. Not the exhilaration of saving two worlds again that brought the flush to his face. Not the mile and a half he'd run in less than a half hour that made his knees weak.
It was the thought of that warm-eyed brunette, collapsing next to him on the couch, laughing in the face of death. It was the relaxed way he'd hugged Izzy, shouting his thanks over something his mother couldn't possibly understand. It was the way the other Children had called back, wondering what was so damn important, and having Tai laugh at them, saying, "Me and my bud, Iz, got it."
Bud. Buddy. Friend.
The more Izzy realized that the emotions he'd buried ran deeper than he'd known, the more he realized that Tai had always shown who exactly he was. And who he was did not feel for Izzy the same way the redhead was finding out.
He felt wetness begin to gather at the corners of his eyes. How was this possible? He'd only just allowed himself to be open to others and now, what, he was supposed to let himself be hurt? To let himself pine away like one of Mimi's chick flicks where true love and justice always won?
"Like the rest of us."
It was obvious to him, now, why he acted like he did in the Digital World. He'd remained by Tai's side through everything, even when their group had split up. He had thought it had been a sense of comradely, a knowledge that if they were separated they were weak but together they were strong. But now he could remember the same flutter of his heart, the same sweatyness of his palms, that he had now. The unreasonable fear that Tai would cast him aside for one of the physically stronger Children.
But the brunette had been overjoyed when he'd stayed. Had appreciated every last iota of help he'd offered. And for a moment, Izzy could pretend that Tai felt the same way then that he did now. That he had just been able to admit it in front of everyone, the same way Joe had seemed so scared on that lakeshore.
Izzy shook his head before that thought could weasel it's way into reality. If Tai felt that way about any in their group, it was Sora. He'd always chased her first, worried about her the most. It was why he'd bought her the barrette that had caused such a fight. He thought about her more than anyone else, that much was plainly obvious.
That was why Sora had made such a comment. She knew how Tai felt, but she couldn't, or wouldn't, feel the same way.
So what was he to do now? Should he find Tai's number, call him, tell him how he felt? He didn't seem to care when Joe had come out, would he care about Izzy being gay?
Or had he been ok with it because Joe had only come out? Because he hadn't pointed out the now-obvious object of his affections? Would Tai be just as relaxed and easy going around Izzy then if he knew the small redhead was now in love with him? Or would he act the same way as Sora had, pushing him away further and further until they were merely acquaintances, persons who knew of each other but didn't truly know each other?
He wasn't ready to lose the friendship he'd just built with the brunette, not over something so precarious as emotions. For all he knew, this was just like Mimi, who would sigh longingly after a boy one day and then another the next. Surely what he felt would pass, and he would find himself embarrassed to remember that he'd actually had a crush of all things on Tai. Maybe, eventually, one day he would tell Tai and they would laugh over how silly it was.
How very, very silly it all felt.