A/N Thank you for the positive feed back on 'Butterfly'. I really appreciate and am moved by the time you take to look at my stories. I had one of my wonderful reviewers, express some concern about Xander in my last story. I wrote this one to help fill in the 'blanks'. This was a very difficult story to write, as it mirrors the death of a friend's daughter last January. I am sure that there are better songs out there that would fit the story more appropriately, but this one makes me cry each time I listen to it.
Xander's Song
I know that it was not my fault. In my head, I know it; it is my heart that is not so sure. If I had not been in such a hurry that day… if I had not asked Ali to go get them… if… If… if has so many possibilities, but none of them will change the reality. A reality that I am not yet ready to face, but one that has been forced upon me. My world has changed, and not for the better.
One week ago today, has it already been a week? I some ways it seems like ten years, and in others an hour. It was the last day of school for Xander and Caity. We had been planning a family vacation to Disney World. The twins were finally old enough to enjoy the action and still have some memories of it later in their lives. I had a little paperwork to finish and then I was to go to the travel agent and pick up the tickets. We were scheduled to leave… well today.
cicicici
I had promised the twins that I would pick them up from school. As it was the last day, they would be laden with books and old papers that were far too heavy for them to carry on the bus. I had glanced quickly at the clock and noted that I was running late. I reached for the telephone and absently dialed Ali's cell phone. She agreed to pick up Xander and Caity. I felt a twinge of regret that I would not be picking them up. I loved to do that. I would take them to McDonalds or somewhere for an after school snack, then listen to them talk about their day. I shook the feeling and returned to my work.
There was a massive traffic jam. Cars were backed up for blocks. An accident came the word over both my Police radio and the station I was tuned into in the car. I looked at the time again and noted that it was 3:42 p.m. I was out of the office in plenty of time, but with the traffic this backed up, I was not sure that I would make it to the travel agency before they closed at 5:00. I reached for my cell and called Ali's number. No answer, I went directly to her voice mail. I cursed, glad that my son was not with me. Xander and I had a deal, if either of us swore, we owed the other a dollar. This one I would keep to myself. Xandy was not here, he would never know! I smiled to myself, proud, for considering pulling one over my nine-year-old son.
The day he and his sister were born was the best day of my life. He had kept us in suspense throughout his mother's entire pregnancy. Each time the doctor tried to determine his gender, he twisted and turned and was very uncooperative. We were not sure what we were having, although Ali was determined that he would be a gymnast from all the activity within her body. We had a deal. If the baby was a boy she would name him, if it was a girl, the name would be my choice.
When Ali went into labor we barely made it to the hospital in time. We thought that we would have more time, but she progressed so quickly that Xander was born in the Emergency Room. I could not believe my eyes when this perfect little boy slid from his mother's body into the arms of the doctor. I had a son. My boy. I started dreaming of all the things that we would do together. I cut the cord and held him in my arms for a long moment, before turning to Ali and handing her the baby.
She named him Alexander Robert. Alexander, was an old family name, a tradition amongst the Eames family, and Robert for me. They moved Ali and Xander to the Maternity floor while I filled out the necessary paperwork. A surprise awaited me when I finally found my new family. Ali was in tremendous pain and said that she felt like she had to push again. I ran for a doctor, and came back with a nurse just in time to watch my wife give birth a second time to our daughter Caity, our surprise child.
Xander came home first. He was a big healthy boy in comparison to his tiny sister. Xander and I became 'best buds' in his first week home. Ali rested or spent her time at the hospital, so Xandy and I had time to get to know each other. He was perfect; I kept thanking God for this beautiful child, and planning. Xander and I had so much that we needed to do. We needed to go fishing, bike riding, hiking, to hockey, baseball, and football games. I wanted to share everything with him.
As the twins grew, it became clear that Xander was his mother's son. They were the ones out in the garage tinkering with the car; they were the ones that fixed all the little things around the house. Xander was an experimenter. He loved to take things apart and then try to put them back together again. I do not know how many small appliances we went through over the years. Xandy and I had our time together as well. During the warm months we would go to a friends cabin and stay for weekends fishing, and living off of the land… which meant roasting hot dogs and marshmallows, and eating hot beans from the can. Xander was an expert fisherman, I believe he got his patience from his mother, as I found it difficult to sit for hours on end waiting for a fish to bite. We would go for hikes, and sporting events.
Xander had a natural talent for music. I gave this one gift to my son. Ali does not have one musical bone in her body. It never stopped her from singing to the twins, or in the shower. Xander would cover his ears and pretend to gag whenever she sang. One day when he was almost four, I sat down with him at the old piano in the living room. I slowly taught him the keys and notes, then before long, Xander was playing the instrument beautifully. He was much more adept at the piano than I ever was, and it did not take long for me to discover that he needed a better piano teacher than me. After every lesson Xander would come home and teach me what he had learned.
My favorite time of the day with Xander was after I had read the twins a bedtime story, and had taken Caity back to her room. I would return to Xander and listen to his stories from his daily adventures. I would sit down on his bed and he would cuddle against me and fill me in on his life. We would talk about anything and everything. Ali always wanted to know what we talked about but I would just sum it up by saying that it was just guy stuff.
The traffic began moving again. I looked at my watch and discovered that it was 4:25. The traffic was creeping along. I decided to head home. I called the travel agent and arranged to pick up my tickets first thing in the morning. I had seen enough accidents in my days as a cop that I did not 'rubber neck' with the rest of the traffic. I got home and was mildly surprised to find that the rest of my family had not yet arrived.
I assumed that Ali had stopped with the twins somewhere, maybe for a snack, perhaps to pick up something for the trip. I used the alone time to cut the lawn and order dinner. By 6:30, I still had not heard from them. I tried Ali's telephone repeatedly. I called my old boss Jimmy Deakins, to see if they had stopped to visit him, they had not. My Detective's mind was racing when the telephone rang. I took a relieved breath and answered.
I do not know how I got to the hospital. I do not have a clue. Yet, there I was sitting in the quiet room with a doctor telling me that my family had been in an accident downtown. The accident that had held me up the one that had made me late to get the tickets for our trip. The accident scene that I did not look at as I passed. The doctor asked if they could call anyone for me. I gave them the name and numbers for Ali's family. I learned that Ali had a concussion and that she was in surgery for a severely broken leg. I learned that Caity was up in the PICU with a head injury, but they would not tell me about my son.
A truck had clipped the back end of Ali's SUV causing it to swerve into an intersection. A city bus had collided with the SUV hitting the side where Xander was sitting. Xander was gone. My 'best bud'. My son.
Caity was unconscious for nearly two days, but when she woke up, she seemed to be fine. She knew her brother was gone without us even telling her. It was the first thing that she said to us when she woke up. The twin connection was gone. Her birthday was the next day, but she chose not to celebrate.
cicicici
So here we are today. I am sitting in the front pew of St. Joseph's Catholic Church. The same church that Ali and I were married in, the same church that ten years ago Alexander Robert and Caitlin Alexandra were baptized in. Today we are here to say goodbye to our beloved son and brother. I look up at the small brown casket sitting at the front. I look at the picture of the smiling curly dark haired boy who had such life and talent. I feel the tears pouring down my face. I feel my daughter curl into my side and my wife creep under my other arm and rest her head on my chest.
We ride in a limousine to the cemetery. I watch as Elliot Stabler, his son Ben, Maurice Boscorelli, his son Michael, Jimmy Deakins and Mike Logan lift the small casket and carry it over to the gravesite. My wife's family is pressed in so close to the three of us that I cannot breathe. I hear Father Anthony saying words but I can not make out what he is saying. I am on autopilot as I place Xander's first piano book on top of his casket along with a flower. Someone has opened a car door nearby. The radio is on. I know this song… its about a little girl…. Wait…gender is not important in Heaven… the song is for Xander.
Streets of Heaven
Hello God its me again, 2 am room 304
Visiting hours are over, time for our bedside tug of war
This sleeping child between us may not make it through the night
I'm holding back the tears, as she fights for her life
Well it must be kinda crowded on the streets of Heaven,
So, tell me what do you need her for.
Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever?
But, right now, I need her so much more.
She's much too young; to be on her own, barely just turned seven,
So who will hold her hand when she crosses the streets of heaven?
Tell me God, you remember the wishes that she made,
When she blew out the candles on her last birthday cake
She wants to ride a pony when she's big enough
She wants to marry her Daddy when she's all grown up.
Well it must be kinda crowded on the streets of Heaven,
So, tell me what do you need her for.
Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever?
But, right now, I need her so much more.
She's much too young; to be on her own, barely just turned seven,
So who will hold her hand when she crosses the streets of heaven?
Lord don't you know, she's my angel
You've got plenty of your own
And I know you hold a place for her, but she's already got a home.
Now I don't know if you're listenin'
But prayin's all that's left to do
So, I ask you Lord have mercy
You lost a son once too…
And, it must be kinda crowded on the streets of Heaven,
So, tell me what do you need her for.
Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever?
But, right now, I need her so much more.
Lord I know, once you've made up your mind
There's no use in beggin', so if you, take her with you today,
Will you make sure she looks both ways?
And, would you hold her hand when she crosses the streets of heaven?
The streets of Heaven?
We chose the headstone yesterday, it will be put in place in a few months after the ground has settled…
Alexander Robert Goren
Xander
Born June 28, 2008
Died June 25, 2018
Love Mom, Dad, and Caity
We love you forever.