Harry Potter and the Thinly Stretched Premise

Morning After, Part 5.

"I don't care what it takes" Hermione hissed determinedly through gritted teeth, "We're getting to the bottom of this!"

"How come you never thought of this until it was you that looked bad?" Harry asked sullenly.

The young witch didn't reply but pressed on stubbornly. The two were at Hogwarts, climbing the stairs to the Headmistress's office, Hermione carrying a computer and a camera and Harry carrying a bag containing a lot of firewhiskey.

Just as they came to the top of the stairs the office door burst open and a huge blond gentleman stepped out. Followed by a slightly flustered looking Headmistress.

"Yes… Thank you, uh… Professor" She said, a little too loudly when she noticed that the two former students were already here. "Mr Potter, Miss Granger," she nodded in their direction, "this is, uh… Professor Petrikov. He's our new D.A.D.A teacher?" she explained unconvincingly.

The blond man responded by nodding to them politely then through a thick Russian accent growled, "You can call me Dada any time, Minnie."

McGonagall blushed, and Hermione shuddered but Harry couldn't shake the strangest feeling that he knew the man from somewhere.

Harry, wearing a bow tie with his onesie was chasing a startled looking sheep in a wedding dress. "Come back baby," he cried "I love ewe!" The sheep bleated in alarm to which Harry replied "I promise I'll never do anything to herd you!"

"You see Professor?" Hermione whined. "It's not just me! Something is going on and we can't explain it!"

"Quite," replied the Professor fidgeting absently with her tea cup. She had just sat through three other videos of the type in which she had been made an unwilling star and was quite literally lost for words. "What is it exactly that you need from me, Miss Granger?" The Headmistress asked.

Hermione shifted awkwardly.

"We were hoping to try making it happen here," she replied, bracing for some kind disapproving lecture. "Since it's impossible to apparate in or out of Hogwarts, we might be able to capture Harry in that state and study him to find out what's happening with him."

"Study me?" Harry cried in alarm. "You never said anything about that!"

"Quiet Harry!" Hermione shot back, giving him a withering look. "There are important things at stake here!"

Grumbling Harry fell back into silence.

"Good idea, Miss Granger," the Headmistress conceded. "Very well you may use Hogwarts."

"Not Hogwarts, Professor," Hermione replied, looking even more uncomfortable. "We need to use your office specifically."

"Oh?" The Professor raised an eyebrow.

"The experiment needs to be as private as possible to avoid involving anyone else in any… trouble; and with yourself, the portraits and maybe a couple of trusted others to observe we can get a whole new perspective. Also, your office has the strongest wards in the castle."

The professor thought for a moment before finally acquiescing.

"Very well, you may use my office. I see you have come prepared so we may as well do this immediately. As to a few trusted others, I need only one." She closed her eyes for a brief moment, lips working silently, then opened her eyes and called, "Severus!"

The ghost of Hogwarts' former Potions Master drifted through the wall and into the office, and Harry sprayed tea out of his nose.

A couple of minutes later everything was ready to go. Harry, tied to a chair very much against his will, had the tail end of a funnel in his mouth feeding straight through to his stomach, to avoid him needing to swallow and thereby speeding up the process of intoxication - or so Snape had insisted. Harry was convinced that the greasy haired spectre had only suggested it because he thought it was funny.

Hermione opened one of the bottles that Harry had brought with them, and without so much as a by-your-leave emptied it down Harry's funnel.

Three bottles later there was an ear splitting noise followed by a blinding light, and without warning the ectoplasmic Professor Snape found himself standing in an empty office. He looked around, and noticed the notification on the screen of the still open computer:

"Drunk_Harry has uploaded a new video."

Snape regarded this new development for a moment then with a crisp "nope" he drifted back out of the office and went back to lurking in the dungeons.

Back at Harry's apartment Draco and the others, who had been waiting by the computer for just this eventuality, also noticed the notification and, curiosity overwhelming them, scrambled over each other to click play.

"Step right up ladies and gentlemen," Penguin Harry shouted excitedly. "Step right up for Mr Penguin's Animal-tastic menagerie show with animals! Now with added tactics!"

Behind him, looking very much the worse for wear was Hermione, again in her beaver onesie but this time joined by Professor McGonagall in a skin tight latex catsuit with a tail and kitty ears. On her chest was a stick-on label that said "My ultimate form is also a cat… purrrr". Between them was a baby elephant and a large pile of clothes.

"Are you guys packed yet?" Harry called.

"Not yet," shouted the Professor. "I told Hermugglie to bring a big suitcase, but this guy only has a little trunk!"

"Bloody Hell!" shouted Ron. "I did NOT need to see that!"

The others, looking slightly green, nodded their agreement.

The scene had changed. The Professor and Hermione were squabbling about something.

"You look like a beaver!" Shouted McGonagall.

"You've obviously mistaken me for somebody who builds a dam!" Yelled Hermione, before erupting into a fit of giggles. Just at that moment Harry came charging past holding a black and white baby bear, hotly pursued by maybe a dozen larger examples of the species. "I just wanted a cute little bear," he shouted "but this is panda-monium!"

"The small cute bears are in Austria or Australia or something," Hermione called after him.

"I haven't got the koalafications to look after that type," Harry called back before the scene shifted again.

"Remind me to punch Harry when I see him next," howled Seamus, clearly suffering terribly from this latest onslaught of appalling punnery.

"Maybe we should write them down," said Neville. "On paper they really would be tearable puns."

"Holy shit, it's contagious!" Shouted Draco throwing a pillow at Neville as hard as he could.

The trio were in a park, the shiny black clad Headmistress leaning over a fish pond, teetering on the very edge of losing her balance. "Don't act koi little fishies," she called to them, "you know kitty wants you."

"Whale, whale, whale," laughed Harry. "Look who's making seafood puns!"

Hermione tottered unsteadily beside him and asked, "Do you think she's doing it on porpoise?"

"Not sure," Harry answered. "Bur if she is she cod do better. Look into it and let minnow what you think."

"This is like that awful Bill Murray movie" winced Charlie.

"What? Stripes?" Asked Neville.

"Caddy Shack?" Offered Ron.

"No, you idiots, Groundhog Day!" Charlie snapped back irritably. "It's the same infuriating thing over and over again and it just keeps happening. It doesn't stop, it's like a recurring nightmare and it's never going to end ever".

"I've been trying to avoid thinking that!" Seamus shook his head sadly.

The trio were standing outside a very familiar looking building. A very imposing, official looking building. A building that practically screamed the words "Ministry of Magic", which was probably to be expected since that's exactly what the building was.

Professor McGonagall was levitating a huge quantity of rabbits through the main door into the lobby.

"C'mon!" Shouted Harry. "Hop to it! Let them run amok, they don't carrot all!"

The would be Catwoman cosplayer let the rabbits go just as a dozen angry looking wizards and witches came pouring out of the building and surrounded them, wands drawn.

"Look out!" Burbled Hermione, "it's the cops! And they have a distinct Auror of discontent about them!"

She cackled manically as the nearest Auror, an older man with slightly orange skin and hair like a dead fox, made a lunge to try and accost McGonagall.

"Did you see that?" Harry grinned. "He tried to grab us by the pussy!"

The video cut off suddenly.

"I don't like how abruptly that ended" Charlie observed.

"Don't worry," soothed Ron, "they'll be back here before too long and they'll be able to fill in the blanks. That's how it always plays out."

The group sat in silence for a while as the drunken trio from the video stubbornly refused to make their expected appearance.

An hour passed.

Then two.

After contacting the school and finding out they had not turned up their either, Seamus sighed and suggested, "I suppose we need to contact the ministry then."

"I'll speak to Father" replied Draco looking worried.

Hermione's eyes slowly opened, braced against the expected onslaught of horrible horrible light only to find out there was barely any. She seemed to have fallen asleep on a stone floor, and was very uncomfortable. Looking around at Harry - still sleeping peacefully - and the Professor - snoring on a steel framed cot bed against the wall - the reality of the situation hit her like a ton of bricks. She had always been concerned at school that Harry and/ or Ron would get her killed or worse, expelled, but she never dreamed… could never have expected…

"ARRESTED!" She shrieked so loudly that the guard came running to see what was wrong.

Author's Note: So, Drunk_Harry was, well, drunk, when he wrote this. I'm not sure how many of these he has left in him, but I'll keep publishing if he keeps writing. DON'T BLAME ME! In other news, Drunk_Harry is the best brother ever and had a Vahan shirt custom made for me for my birthday! It's super amazing and I'm thrilled beyond words!