And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands... That's alright.
"Rin..." Hatsuharu breathed her lovely name, gazing at the fragile girl lying in front of him.
She was lying on a hospital bed, her long brown locks surrounding her face as she slept, but she wasn't sleeping peacefully.
Her breaths were long and labored and occasionally she would whimper or cough slightly in her sleep.
She had been this way ever since her last brush with Akito, after he severely bruised her and broke her leg she was sent to the hospital.
Rin was strictly worked on by only female medical licensed professionals and Hatori, along with Hatsuharu staying by her side as much as he possibly could.
Gradually she got better, but then she began getting sick again and any kinds of medicine they tried weren't helping her get better one bit.
Her life was now out of her family's hands, much to their dismay.
"... They may have given you up, but I won't." Hatsuharu whispered to the ill sleeping girl as he gently sat next to her.
The sheets made a light rustling noise as he shifted his weight to look at the woman he had loved for so long.
Just then, there was a knock at the door and he turned his head to see Hatori entering the small room with a needle in his left hand.
"You should be in school right now." He told Hatsuharu, but the cow shook his head disregarding the subject with a no.
"Rin is more important right now." He softly protested.
Hatori nodded, for he knew firsthand himself how it felt to slowly lose the one you loved.
He stepped forward, taking Rin's small palm and injected the needle in her IV.
"Morphine?" Hatsuharu guessed, over spending so much time at the hospital he had become accustomed to learning which medicines were which.
"That's right. I figured she would want to be in as little pain as possible." He said, placing her palm back down beside her chest.
Hatsuharu gingery took her hand, holding it tightly within his fingers, never wanting to let go.
"I'll return later, call me if something happens. And I'm sorry, truly I am Hatsuharu." Hatori told him sympathetically and then slipped out, leaving Hatsuharu alone with Rin.
Hatsuharu snorted.
You and your fake words, because if you really were sorry then you'd still be trying. You wouldn't give up. I'm not, because I need Rin, doesn't everyone else need her around too? This wasn't supposed to happen, not yet at least. I just wish she would get better and be okay. C'mon Rin, prove everyone wrong. I know you can do it, because I love you and I'm here for you every step of the way.
His silent prayer was expressed in his thoughts, but he also moved his lips as his thoughts formed the words.
After that, he became immersed within the silent world of his mind, he had often started to do this habit in the long hours he spent by Rin's side when she was sleeping.
His thoughts drifted from memories the two had shared together, both the good and the bad.
They then changed to Shigure, Yuki, Kyo, and Tohru, whom had all been there for Rin in the beginning but started to give in to her slow demise.
They stopped coming by as often and he knew they were all at school right now with their friends close by their sides.
Hatsuharu hadn't been to school in months, at first the Sohma residence had made up believable excuses for his absence, but then they, too, gave up and let his record go astray, just as his grades were.
Hours later, he finally thought of the one person he had despised, long ago loved and the only one that could control every part of his being.
None other than Akito.
"You bastard... If I could kill you myself I would." He growled, gritting his teeth together.
He clenched his fists tightly and had a strong urge to pound the wall with his fists until it resembled how he thought Akito's face would look after Hatsuharu got done beating him to a pulp.
Beginning to shake due to his inner anger, Hatsuharu attempted to calm himself down by closing his eyes and taking a few deep breaths, resisting his black side from being released.
"H-Haru...?" A weak voice called to him, causing him to snap open his eyes.
Rin was awake now; she had called out to him.
He let out his last deep breath and feeling calm enough, he looked at her.
She looked pale and fragile, like a porcelain doll that would shatter into a million pieces at any given moment.
But underneath her flesh, he knew she was as stubborn as the horse that she truly was.
"H-Haru you're hurting me." Rin gasped out with a pained look on her face.
Hatsuharu's mind immediately went into Rin Focus mode, he began frantically checking her over, asking if she wanted him to get anything or anyone and where the pain was.
Rin answered his questions calmly one at a time and then she tried to tug her hand away from his grasp slightly.
His eyes darted to where his hand lay tightly entangled in hers and a look of horror crossed his face as soon as he saw the damage he had done.
Pulling his hand away from hers like it was a taboo, he stumbled backwards off the bed and regained his clumsy footing on the floor, standing upright.
But Rin wasn't watching him; she was staring at her hand, just as he was doing the same.
For there, on her small hand and up along her wrist were large purple bruises in the shape of his fingers.
"I-I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking Rin, I didn't mean to." Hatsuharu apologized; he was terrified that he had done that.
He didn't want Rin to be afraid of him, like she was of Akito who had caused her so much pain and suffering all these years.
"It's okay." Rin told him in between coughing; she looked up at him with a smile.
Hatsuharu shook his head firmly, for it definitely was not okay.
"No, I shouldn't have let my anger get the best of me. Don't be afraid, I would never purposely hurt you," He paused at his last sentence he said to her.
For Hatsuharu had in fact harmed the very precious girl he had sworn to protect with his life.
It was his fault.
He had broken his oath to her, his sacred word was now meaningless to the girl he loved so dearly.
Deep down, Hatsuharu felt guilt struck, pained, and hated himself for causing her more pain.
A single teardrop fell from his eyelashes and traveled down his face.
Raising his hand to his face, he brushed it away and then stared horrifyingly at his hand.
It appeared the same, but he wanted to erase the pain he had caused with it.
His eyes got bigger as his hand started to violently shake in front of him.
Akito.
Akito had hit Rin so many times with his hands over and over again, just as her unforgivable parents did.
"Just as I did..." Hatsuharu whispered brokenly.
"Hey! Haru snap out of it!" Rin yelled out to him from her bed, but he scarcely heard her.
Hatsuharu was too caught up in the past, the pain that had been inflicted on Rin, and what he had just done.
I'm becoming them... I'm slowly turning into those sick and twisted monsters her awful parents were to her when she was just a small child. More however, I'm turning into Akito. The one person she fears more than her parents is our so called 'god' who rules over us. She's bound to him, just as I am. Through painful memories, through fear and hate, and through psychical power and dominance.
"Haru!" She yelled once more to him and then he heard a loud thud of something hitting the ground.
Hatsuharu snapped back to the present, no longer shaking, he found himself on his knees to the floor crying.
He rose from the floor, wiped his face to clear evidence of the tears and looked around for what had made the thudding sound.
"Rin!" Hatsuharu shouted to her, his feet moving him across the floor to where she lay on the ground, calling his name out repeatedly through her constant coughs.
Leaning down to her, Hatsuharu carefully scooped her up in his arms and cradled her gently against his chest.
"Shh... Shh Rin. Its okay, I'm okay now. Calm down." Hatsuharu coaxed her.
But she kept repeating his name with pure fright in her voice as she grasped his jacket with her hands tightly.
Hatsuharu was very worried now; hastily he placed Rin back on her bed and whispered comforting words in her ear.
Then he reached his right arm over and was about to press the nurse call button for Hatori, but Rin's hand grabbed onto his arm, halting him from advancing any further.
"Don't..." She murmured to him.
He nodded and let his hand drop to his side as Rin let go of it, for he knew better than to argue with her.
"Rin... I know that sound in your voice," He began, looking at the now much calmer girl lying down looking back at him.
Hatsuharu knew that tone of fear in her voice, it only came out when she was being hurt by her parents, having a flashback, a nightmare, or when she was receiving a punishment from Akito.
"Are you afraid of me...?" Hatsuharu asked her hesitantly.
Rin gave a small shake of her head indicating a no.
Hatsuharu raised an eyebrow at her, wanting to be absolutely sure she wasn't.
"I-I was afraid of," Rin started to explain, but then a coughing fit erupted from her chest.
Hatsuharu moved forward, wanting to help the poor girl, for he was worried not just about her, but also about her being afraid of him touching her again.
After a minute, he sat down next to her on the bed as she composed and her coughing ceased.
"Of you. I was afraid of what was happening to you. I kept trying to get your attention, but you didn't answer. You looked like you were having a mental breakdown or something..." Rin softly told him.
"Ah, don't worry I'm fine." He lied, but he only did it because he didn't want Rin to worry about him.
She looked skeptical at Hatsuharu, but then shrugged it off with a sigh, knowing it was no use to try and pry information from him now.
"How about you? How are you honestly feeling Rin?" He asked worriedly, changing the subject.
"I'm..." She paused, coughing lightly.
"In love with you." She finished gently.
Hatsuharu smiled at her, leaned down and kissed her on the top of her head lovingly.
"I love you too, Rin." Hatsuharu murmured, his warm breath could be felt against Rin's head.
Then he felt her arm pull him down, he obeyed her command and adjusted himself so he was eye to eye with Rin, yet not on her so he wouldn't cause any more damage.
Rin put an arm around his neck and pulled him closer to her.
Their lips were just inches away from each other, Hatsuharu leaned in the rest of the way, enclosing her in a light kiss on the lips.
After a few moments, he pulled back and studied her face.
Rin had a small smile on her pale face; she was okay with him kissing her, just as he was doing it.
With a similar smile creeping up on Hatsuharu's face, he leaned in once more and kissed her again, this time more passionately.
Rin kissed him back with just as much passion, enjoying the pure bliss of the moment the two shared together.
Pulling away again, they both faced each other, neither speaking a word.
Hatsuharu knew the silence between them in their irreplaceable moments like this was comfortable.
It only made him want to hold Rin in his arms even more, to protect her from all the bad things in the world no matter what the cost.
But in his heart, he knew he couldn't do that forever, no matter how hard he tried.
Two Weeks Later...
"It's almost her time, Hatsuharu. You may come and say your goodbye to her if you wish to in private." Hatori's words struck Hatsuharu through the phone right into his heart.
Exactly like how his tears trickled down his face endlessly as he let out a cry of heart filled pain.
Dropping the phone, he ran as fast as his footsteps could possibly take him to the local hospital.
Hatori's words kept repeating themselves over in his mind as he practically flew through the halls and burst into Rin's room, now located in the ICU.
Trying to catch his breath, he held his head down, wiped the tears away and put on a brave face with a smile for Rin.
There were three female nurses in the room, one checking Rin over, the other two around her.
One of them looked up at him with blonde short hair and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you're not allowed to be in here at the moment."
Taking a step towards them, he didn't have a care in the world about what the nurses told him, for he needed to see Rin.
The nurse also took a step in his direction, warning him, "That means you need to leave. Let's not cause any trouble here."
Hatsuharu laughed devilishly loud.
"No one speaks to me like that,"
With another drawn out laugh he added, "And denies my right to see the love of my life when she needs me the most."
The nurse folded her arms across her chest and repeated in a harsh tone what she had told Hatsuharu once already.
Her actions only pissed Hatsuharu off immensely, for he would see Rin no matter whose neck he had to break to get to her.
Hatsuharu grinned; he could feel his black side fighting him for control.
Normally, he would never give in to the evil side of himself, for he knew what damage it could do.
But this time, he gave in.
He could feel the surge of hatred flowing in his veins, his grin darkened, and he glared his anger and hate at the nurse that denied his presence.
"If looks could kill..." The other nurse whispered in the blonde's ear.
Black Haru snapped his head at the nurse that had said that, with the same glare in his eyes.
"I-I'm sorry." She hastily bowed after apologizing.
"I..." Black Haru began to speak, his voice filled with hate.
"Will see Rin..." He let out a low growl.
"Or else..." He finished, leaving the two nurses with wide eyes and they took a step away from him.
Meanwhile, the third nurse had finished checking Rin over and turned to face Black Haru, a look of stuck up disgust on her face.
Black Haru turned his head slowly towards her, making a glimpse of fear appear within her light green eyes.
"If you really cared about this here girl, then you'd do as you're told young man." The third nurse told him rudely, looking him up and down with a raised eyebrow.
That did it.
That set him off, for he was raging to spill someone's blood that wasn't letting him get what he wanted.
"Shut up!" He yelled angrily, advancing lightning speed quick with his arm held out, aiming for the third nurse's throat.
Right as he was in pursuit, he heard a sharp knock from the door.
"He is allowed to be in here, he has my permission." Hatori's voice rang out as he walked in, causing Hatsuharu to stop in his tracks at the sound of his voice.
Hatsuharu turned and looked at Hatori, who had his eyes on the three nurses looking back at them.
"Oh, we're sorry. Please forgive us." The nurse with blonde hair apologized to Hatsuharu and then they all bowed in his direction as they walked out of the room.
Hatsuharu unclenched his fists and took a few deep breaths, gaining his control over Black Haru and his emotions.
Once he had calmed down enough, he spoke to Hatori.
"Thank you." Hatsuharu told him and Hatori replied with a curt nod.
"Take as much time as you need. I'll be nearby visiting other patients." Hatori said solemnly.
"Right." He commented, watching him take his leave.
Hatsuharu turned and walked over to Rin, feeling like his regular self again.
He heard the door close with a click and he looked down to see Rin lying on the bed.
"You came." Rin whispered, looking out the window at the bright sunshine-filled day outside.
"'Course I did. I always do for you." Hatsuharu confessed with a smirk on his face.
"For me..." She murmured softly, still gazing out the window.
"Hm?" He grunted, blinking at her.
"You do so many things for me." She repeated, loud enough for him to hear clearly.
Hatsuharu nodded, and then took another step towards the window, looking out just as Rin was.
"Could you..." She began to ask, but then a series of coughs shook her and she paused, getting her coughs out of her system.
Hatsuharu was silent as she coughed; looking out at the world beyond the room they were in.
Yet, deep inside of himself, his mind went straight into Rin Focus mode.
I wanted to spend so much more time with you out there Rin... I wanted to love, laugh and create so many more amazing memories with you in this world.
"Do one more thing for me?" She finished quietly in between coughs.
He turned back to her, looking at her even more fragile state and wished she wasn't really saying this to him.
Hatsuharu wasn't stupid; he knew she was asking him for her last wish.
But he had hoped she would be asking him this question far later on in life, perhaps when they were elders.
Although today, his hope vanished as quickly as the smile on his face turned to a blank expression to hide the longing pain he felt.
"Anything." Hatsuharu promised Rin.
"Take me to our place." She whispered.
Rin then looked at him, he saw her eyes were filled with plead begging for an answer.
Hatsuharu sighed; he should have known she would want to go there one more time.
He thought about her wish, weighing the positives against the negatives.
But as he looked at her again, he tossed those thoughts out of his head, making a decision completely based on her in that moment.
And in that moment, he decided that he would grant her wish.
Slowly, Hatsuharu silently began undoing Rin from all the wires, IVs and other medical instruments attached to her.
She flinched a small bit, but made no sound to stop him as he finished releasing her from the last of the wires.
Hatsuharu then carefully scooped Rin up in his arms, holding her safely against his chest and walked out of her hospital room.
He felt her weakly clutch his jacket, softly coughing and then burying her head into his shoulder.
I can't hide you from the world, nor from death. I wish with all I am that I could hide you, Rin. But I just can't... I'm sorry.
Hatsuharu blocked the tears pricking at his eyes and the pain weighing his heart down as he ran through the hospital halls, going to the nearest back door.
He was planning to leave with Rin unnoticed.
A few hallways later, he pushed a heavy metal back door as it squeaked open and slipped out with her.
One grim thought told Hatsuharu that she would never be coming back here again.
Hatsuharu took no interest in the scenery around them as he ran faster to where she had requested.
They both knew the path to get there well, for it had been their secret meeting place when they were kids and they went there hundreds of times before.
Even after not being there for two long years now, Hatsuharu remembered exactly where it was located.
He knew that even with his terrible sense of direction he wouldn't get lost.
While running, he looked down at Rin, for he noticed she hadn't spoken a word since they left the hospital.
Rin was sound asleep, even with all the rustling movement Hatsuharu made as he ran through a forest, going the shortest way he knew to get there.
After a while of running, he stopped when he reached the edge of the forest, catching his breath.
Once Hatsuharu was no longer gasping for breath he stepped out to their secret place.
Hatsuharu looked all around, admiring the place he and Rin held so many memories together for so long.
Before him, there was a lush green grass-filled meadow with various flowers blooming throughout it.
In the middle of the meadow, there was a large oak tree, casting shade from its branches where he and Rin used to lay in their summer days together.
In front of the tree was a small freshwater stream, snaking its way across the meadow and glistening in the sunlight.
Smiling at the sight before him, he walked out through the grass towards their tree as the sunshine warmed his face.
The cool shade overcame them as he reached the tree and gently sat down against it with Rin still sleeping in his arms.
Hatsuharu sucked in a breath, inhaling the familiar grass and flower smells memorably.
And to him, they smelled just as they did the very first time he had met Rin here.
Nothing has ever changed here since we met. It's as if time freezes here. I wish we could freeze time right now, just stay together here forever.
Hatsuharu looked down at Rin, who was now rustling in his arms slightly.
"Good afternoon sleeping beauty." He said, smirking to himself, for he knew Rin loved fairytale stories.
She sighed as a reply and Hatsuharu pulled her upright to him, so she was now looking at the glistening stream and flower-filled meadow.
He looked at Rin as she was taking in the sight they had shared so many times before.
Her eyes were sparkling with happiness and just seeing Rin's eyes happy made Hatsuharu happy too.
"It's breathtaking." Rin whispered, coughing lightly.
Hatsuharu nodded in an agreement, and then wrapped his arms around Rin's petite waist.
He leaned his head close to her ear, moved a few stray strands of hair out of the way and then spoke nine words that made the pale Rin blush a light shade of floral pink.
"You're more breathtaking than anything else in this world." He whispered.
Sure enough, she blushed at his words.
Hatsuharu chuckled and buried his face in her hair, detecting a lilac scent from it.
"It's okay. Haru's here with me, so everything's okay. There's nothing to worry about." Rin whispered back and through the curtain of her hair he could see a smile of reassurance on her face.
"Here with me..." He repeated those three words, drawing out each syllable.
An idea formed in his mind and Hatsuharu knew he wanted to make this time together as memorable as he could, so he began to rock Rin gently in his arms.
Slowly and softly, Hatsuharu began to hum a lullaby.
But not just any lullaby, it was Rin's lullaby from when she was younger.
He felt her relax in his arms at the recognization of the tune.
Hatsuharu opened his mouth and let the lyrics spill from his lips.
~Hush now little one
I'll dry your tears
Keep you safe from everyone
Fight away all your fears~
He felt tears slowly make their way down his face as Rin began to hum along in between coughs.
Still rocking her in his arms, Hatsuharu continued singing her lullaby.
~I'm here with you
Never gonna leave
'Cause your gonna make it through
You just gotta believe~
More tears fell, but Hatsuharu didn't care.
Rin was the only one that he ever allowed to see him cry and she wouldn't want him to hold back his emotions now.
~Keep that smile on your face
Just remember where you're from
And welcome every single embrace
With everything you overcome~
Hatsuharu could tell his voice was about to crack, it felt like there was a lump in his throat and it was hard to swallow.
Nonetheless, he kept singing for her.
~But right now you're safe in my arms
Holding you so lovingly true
Protected from any harms
I'm here with you~
His voice broke on the last word and it felt like he couldn't speak, he stopped rocking Rin.
Hatsuharu knew that he was too choked up with all of the emotions stirring up inside of him to even form any words.
Rin slowly shifted in his arms so that she was facing him, now able to see his face.
"Don't." Rin murmured, raising one of her small hands up and wiping away Hatsuharu's tears one by one as they fell from his eyes.
Her gentle touch comforted him momentarily, until he realized that she would soon no longer be doing this, or anything for that matter.
Hatsuharu looked at her with his tear-filled eyes that were continuing to spill over.
Rin's eyes were surprisingly showing love within them, they were showing her love for Hatsuharu.
They didn't contain one bit of sadness or fear for once in her miserable life.
She had a small comforting smile on her face, Hatsuharu knew that she understood why he was crying, but she didn't want him to be sad.
He swallowed, feeling the lump in his throat starting to leave and attempted to cease his tears.
But he couldn't, they just kept coming, like a stream of water running down a canyon.
"Thank you." She exhaled in between coughing; Hatsuharu answered her with a slight dip of his head.
Rin looked up, her eyes now appearing to be focused on something far away in the distance, but she seemed to be gazing at the leaves hanging on the tree.
"I love you." Rin said hoarsely, barely making a whisper loud enough for Hatsuharu to be able to hear her as she dropped her hand from clearing away his falling tears.
"You too." Hatsuharu managed to find his voice to reply as he grasped her delicate hand before it fell to the ground and held it with his own.
The lump came back in his throat, making it tight with emotion as he watched Rin sigh at the sunlight now passing through the leaves.
"I wish..." Rin started to say, her voice now even quieter than before.
"I was born into Haru's heart." She finished with a soft murmur as she closed her eyes for the last time.
Then, as the sunlight washed over her face, making her appear like an angel, Hatsuharu held her in his arms and sobbed all of his emotions out.
His tears fell on Rin's peaceful face, one after another, never ending.
Each teardrop symbolized something unique that Rin and he had shared.
Sorrow, anger, anguish, grievance, dreams, hopes, and so much more was expressed through Hatsuharu's endlessly falling tears.
But perhaps, the most important ones were the ones that shook him the hardest.
The ones that made him shake with wretched sobs and cry out in agony.
The ones that hit him straight in his shattered heart.
The ones that he would never experience again.
Thankfulness for all the times they had spent together.
And lastly, love for all the love they had shared throughout the years together.
It's what you would have done for me... I'll always remember.
I wrote this up during a recent road trip to Florida, but it still makes me tear up when I go back and read it. Review please?