Dear Diary,
I hate this. My mother gave me you for my birthday. I hate you. She says I need to right down my "feelings" so I won't get as angry. Whatever that means. So, what should I say? Hm, I'm kind of hungry. But I'm too lazy. I'll get Carly to do it. Be right back…
She said to make myself my own dang sandwich, but then I threatened to tell everyone at school she wears a helping bra. She's making it as we speak. Oh, if you hadn't noticed I'm at the Shay's apartment right now. Like when am I ever not? It's like a home away from home. Actually, it is home. Most of the time, anyway. So, where were we? Hm, well, there was me hating you and then there came food…I guess I should tell more about myself. I'm Samantha Puckett, but no one can ever call me Samantha or else they'll get a serious wedgie. I like Sam. Mostly because it rhymes with ham. Isn't that awesome? Anyway, I got my sandwich. Ew, it tastes like socks! Dirty ones. Oh well, at least its food. I should tell you about my friends. I don't have many, really. My only true and best friend is Carly Shay. She's the coolest and loves me even though I'm a bad person. She sees the value in me as a person unlike other people do. She's popular, pretty, and smart. Everything boys like. I'm not a loser I'm just not popular like Carly is. I'm not pretty. At least I don't think so. I don't really care anyway. And I am most definitely not smart. I hate school. Once I thought about lighting up the school. But that means another year of jail. Oh well. I'm done with that dirty sock sandwich now. God it tasted horrible. Well, I am full which is good. I get angry when I don't get my ten meals a day. It gets pretty ugly. I usually take it out on Freddork. Whose Freddork you ask? Oh well, he's a dork obviously. His real name's Freddie or Fredward. What a stupid name. Fredward. I prefer to call him Freddork, Fredweird, Frederly, and other ones I can't think of at the moment. I'm too tired. I really should…
Yawn. I fell asleep. There's drool all over you now. Oh well. It's three in the morning here at the Shay's house. Hm, what was I talking about before? Oh yeah, Frederly. Well, he's a dork, tech geek, really smart, obsessed with Carly, and iCarly's tech weenie. Oh yeah, we also do a web show iCarly, Carly and I. Freddie just stands behind the camera and does all the technical stuff. What else is there about Freddie? Well, we kissed once, but it meant nothing. We just did it to get it over with. What?! I do not like him! Wait, you didn't ask me anything. You're just a stupid diary. Ah well. What's that noise? I hear a noise. Someone's coming…
Oh, speaking of Fredward here he is. We're supposed to be doing "Wake Up Spencer" tonight. It's so funny we get him to do all this crazy stuff in his sleep. I'll tell you about it when we're done…
Ok, so we did it and it was hilarious! It went like this…
"Spencer, why are you eating a hobo?!" I ask.
"What?! I'm so sorry hobo! I didn't mean to eat you! Here, have your toe back," Spencer says.
"But you can't give it back! It's making its way to Mexico!" Freddie said, laughing.
"No! Bad toe! You'll be an illegal toe if you go there! The hobo needs you!" Spencer yells, swatting at the air.
"Oh, too late. The toe's wearing a sombrero and eating enchiladas," I say.
"No, enchiladas are bad for you! They make you gassy!" Spencer whines.
"Oh no, the toe blew up from the enchiladas. It farted too much. Guess you'll have to give the hobo another toe," Freddie says, chuckling.
"Here have my toe, hobo," Spencer says, biting his toe. "Ow! It tastes like enchiladas!"
"Oh no, enchiladas make you gassy. You're going to blow up, Spencer," Freddie says.
"No! I want to live and give the toe back to the hobo!"
"Too late. You're going to blow up. What are you're last dying words before you blow up?" I ask, amused.
"Stay away from enchiladas and never eat hobo's toes!" he yells and then collapses back on his bed. Freddie and I broke into hysteric giggles.
It was so funny! Spencer is very amusing in his sleep, not that he isn't amusing when he's awake either. He's just a little odd. Hey, but that's Spencer, the odd art freak guardian of Carly Shay. He's awesome though. He gave me ham for my birthday.
Fredweird is still here, packing up all his tech weenie stuff. I'm tired. Freddie is gone. My cell's buzzing. He texted me saying I did a good ob on the show. Whatever. I text back saying I know I did good and I did better than him and all those other verbal abusive stuff I say to him to make him cry. He's never really cried just gets really angry and annoyed. When I'm physically abusing him though, well, yeah, he does. Like a little baby. Ha ha. I know. I'm mean. That's just who I am. Well, it was nice talking to you. Me talking more than you because well, you're a diary. Maybe I should do this more often. But if you tell anyone I like writing in a diary you're dead! Oh wait, you can't, you're a diary. Whatevs.