Silly little one-shot that takes place between season 1 and season 2. Because Matt was awesome, and I'm sure his friendship wth Mike was just as awesome.
"I don't know what to do, Matt," Mike moans miserably. He can hear something a little static-y on the other end of the line. "Dude, you still there?"
"…I'm trying not to laugh at you, but yep, I'm still here," Matt says, voice tight with contained laughter.
"I'm in misery, and you want to laugh at that?" Mike asks. And apparently, that's it for Matt. He howls with laughter, so loud that Mike has to hold the phone away from his ear. He can easily imagine Matt doubling over, holding his stomach, as he tries and fails to quiet down a bit. Mike waits patiently until the huge belly laugh is down to light chuckles and giggles, before he speaks again.
"Thanks, Matt," he says dryly. "You done now?"
"Yes, I am. Sorry," Matt says, and he doesn't sound the least bit sorry, at all.
"Good, now can we move on to the part where you tell me what to do?" Mike asks.
"Sure," Matt replies. "Not that I really know why you need my help. It's not like you haven't asked a girl out before."
"I've never asked out a girl like Tina," Mike points out.
"I say a girl's a girl, and you just gotta do your thing," Matt says.
"Which is why you haven't had a steady girlfriend in two years."
"Oh shut up. I can schmooze with the best of them, and you know it," Matt insists, and Mike rolls his eyes in response. It doesn't matter that Matt can't see him, the action itself is enough for Mike. "And don't roll your eyes at me." And of course, Matt knows him well enough to know that he was rolling his eyes. "You want my help or not?"
"Help, please," Mike sighs.
"You're the romantic type, so you should probably try wooing her," Matt says.
"That's unhelpful, Matt, I already knew that," Mike says, and he can hear Matt let out a chuckle on the other end. "What else?"
"I think," Matt says slowly. He actually sounds like he's thinking about it. Which is good. "That you should do what you do best."
Silence.
"What? Sit in a corner and not say anything?" Mike asks, confused.
"Uh, no."
"Dancing?"
"Bingo."
"Matt, she's already seen me dance. Several times. It's never made her fall in love with me," Mike says exasperatedly.
"Well, then you add spice to it," Matt says, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. It's not.
"Spice? Like, do a tango?" Mike questions, because it doesn't seem like a sure strategy.
"No, you idiot!" now Matt sounds exasperated. "God, for a straight A student, you sure are dense."
"Gee thanks," Mike says dryly.
"Your abs, you doily!" Matt says loudly. "Show off your abs. Dance around half naked. Or completely naked."
"Why would that help?" Mike asks. "I don't want her to fall for my abs, I want her to fall for me. And by the way, there is no chance in hell of you getting me to dance naked. Especially not at Asian Camp."
"You've got great abs. Lickable abs –"
"That's not a word, and why have you noticed that?"
"Lickable abs, enough for a straight guy to notice, and Tina will definitely notice them, and, if you're lucky, she'll start to notice you more in general. That way, she'll fall in love with you and your charm, and you get to have a happily ever after," Matt explains. He sounds very satisfied and proud of himself. Even though Mike's not sure his plan will actually work.
"I'm not sure, man, I don't think my abs have that kind of power," he mumbles.
"Your abs just need to draw her attention to you," Matt points out. "Once that's done, she'll focus on you as a person, and then it won't take you much to win her over."
"Are we sure this is even okay?" Mike asks. "She has a boyfriend."
"Who has been ignoring her in favor of an epic Halo marathon with me and Puck," Matt replies.
"What?"
"She hasn't talked to Artie in weeks. He's kind of blasé about it, but I doubt she is."
"…Still. It seems a little sleazy."
"It's not, trust me. You're just telling Tina than you're interested. Or, you're showing her that you're interested. Nothing's wrong with that. It's the decent thing to do, actually. She can then make her own choice."
"I suppose you're right," Mike concedes. God, he's got it bad for Tina. "So, I'm doing this. I'm flirting with her."
"Half-naked," Matt adds to his confirmation. "You know, you sound like someone's who has never flirted with a girl before in his life. Did you fall that hard for her?" Mike whines, and it's the only answer Matt needs, apparently. "Do you spend a lot of time with Tina at your weird Asian Camp?"
"Yeah. I mean, we know each other from school, so we hang out after dinner, and we teach a few dance and music classes together," Mike replies.
"Dance class!" Matt shouts. Mike almost pulls the phone away from his ear. "Great! That's the perfect opportunity!"
"To what? Dance around half naked?"
"Yes!"
"There's gonna be kids there! Are you crazy? I can't be half-naked around kids!"
"Sure you can! You're dancing. Dancing makes you sweaty," Matt explains, and Mike has to admit, he has a point.
"Should I just do it once, or do I need to keep doing it until I get some kind of result?" Mike asks. The thinks it's probably the latter.
"Keep doing it until she kisses you, or until she tells you to stop," Matt replies, confirming Mike's suspicion.
"Joy," he groans.
"Hey, you get to be half-naked, why are you complaining?" Matt asks.
"I'm gonna feel so shady."
"Sometimes I wonder if you're a prudish virgin of some kind. Then I remember Lacey and the locker room."
"I – hey – not fair! You promised you'd never mention that again!" Matt just cackles. "And I'm a gentleman, sucker."
"That you are. A dying breed, you gentlemen."
"And you are living proof of that."
"And proud!"
"No, you're not."
"No, I'm not. I haven't had a girlfriend in too long. Which is why I'm helping you get one instead."
"Excuse me?"
"I'm living vicariously through you, because I have no love life. Now get off the phone and get a love life, so I actually have a reason to live vicariously through you."
"Aye, aye, capt'n," Mike jokes.
"Go, go, get," Matt orders. Neither of them can help the laughter, and both end up practically rolling on the floor.
Mike Chang has changed his status from 'single' to 'in a relationship with Tina Cohen-Chang'.
27 people like this
Noah "Puck" Puckerman get some Chang!
Noah "Puck" Puckerman …both Changs!
Quinn Fabray *facepalm* Congrats guys.
Matt Rutherford I TOLD YOU SO!
Mike Chang Go away, Matt
Matt Rutherford It was the abs that did it, right?
Mike Chang Shut up
Matt Rutherford IT WAS TOTALLY THE ABS
Tina Cohen-Chang It was totally the abs
Matt Rutherford, Noah "Puck" Puckerman, Santana Lopez, and 5 others like this