Darcy Lewis's Diary

(inspired by Bridget Jones's diary)

Sorry for any grammatical mistakes, I'm French therefore it could be weird. I don't own Thor, the Avengers or the book its inspired from. I will try to update this one chapter/day every week.

It's a Darcy/Loki fic with Darcy/Steve thrown in and whatever I'll decide.

New Year's Resolution

I will not

Drink myself stupid in bars and not remember the following morning what I did with my shoes.

Waste money on things I don't need like that set of ninja stars I bought last year.

Fall for any the following: bastards, superheroes, alcoholics, commitment phobics, supervilains , misogynists, two timing assholes, any goon at SHIELD, a man that will even for a bit remind me of my dad because that's gross, spies that would look like Vladimir Palpatine, men with accents because they are usually dubious characters with evil moon base or perverts.

Get annoyed with my mother, Jane and Natasha (especially with the latter because I want to live to get my retirement in Florida some day).

Get upset over men(be more like Natasha and drink vodka instead - need to work more on thighs for crazy neck hold with said thighs).

Have crushes, I'm not twelve anymore. The Avengers are not a boys band, Steve Rogers is not Justin Timberlake (curse those blonde hair!).

Obsess over Captain Tight Pants because that's pathetic and I want to be more lady-like and I should learn to have a poker face (and always check for drooling on face).

Sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance, complete without boyfriend because I only need a good battery operated toy after all.

Spend my entire free time on Tumblr, have to make better use of my free time like saving ducklings or giving hugs to strangers.

Eat junk food more than a normal human liver can withhold.

Not work out, I want to be more kickass and have smokin' bod for myself.

Let myself be intimidated and I will start to be more confident (at some point right away)

Fall in love or maybe it's a do?

JANUARY

The no good terrible bad start

Tuesday 1 January

149 lb (but post Christmas and aunt Flo came this morning) Lots of Alcohol during last night/morning party. Spend I don't know how many minutes on Tumblr (so don't count, we weren't in the new year so whatevs. Calories A million? Those amuses bouches were da bomb.

Noon. Brooklyn. My apartment. I feel disgusting. I think a rat died in my mouth and I'm pretty sure I have gum stuck in my hair. Last night was crazy, Tony Stark really knows how to throw a party. The last thing I want to do is go to Pepper Potts "Aren't We Glad Tony Didn't Die of Cirrhosis Yet?" party. I'm in no condition to go; I'm pretty sure my cellulite can sing Les Mis' on its own and go marry a single french fry at that point. But I was weak last month when she asked me to go. We were in an elevator and I was star struck, a usual thing when Pepper and I are in the same room or in a moving machinery.

"I'm throwing a party January the first, it's a buffet, lots of cheese balls, you're coming. RIGHT Darcy?"

"Errh, is it fancy? I don't know if I'll be alive..." (I tried to joke there, I failed)

"It will be festive but sort of 'hot mug of chocolate here's a big reindeer sweater for you' buffet you know?"

Pepper got out of her Vuitton purse a freaking sweater and handed it to me.

"Here, one for you! I expect you at 1 P.M. Have a nice day!"

And there she went merrily on another Tony handling day while I was left in the elevator contemplating death by stilettos.

10 P.M. My apartment (exact location: bed) Urgh. So that first day was a catastrophe. I almost didn't went to that stupid buffet but Jane send me a text about posting that picture of me reaching to touch Clint's luscious biceps without his notice on twitter, so yeah I went. When I arrived there, at the monstrosity that is Tony and Pepper penthouse/mansion/howling castle in the sky, I realized the strawberry haired Martha Stewart actually had almost all guests wearing ridiculous sweaters. The poli-ci student in me felt awed at that kind of power over the feeble minds that populated the room and wondered if I could ever ask for a job as her assistant slash padawan. That was one hell of a woman.

"Darcy! I almost given up hope!"

"I got lost Jane. There was a hoard of cats and fish in my street because of that restaurant, and well it was an adventure."

Jane frowned and took my coat and my cute purse (thank you) from me and gave everything to a robot.

My life is pretty cool but sometimes I imagine Tony being the inventor of those scary robots in IRobot and it starts sort of like Terminator except maybe I am Will Smith's grandmother in that story.

Anyway.

"I'm so happy you're here! It means you can translate me when I talk to Thor about science!"

"Whoo-pe-di-dooh. Can't you ask Glow-in-the-dark Avenger to build you an app for that?"

"Actually, that's a good idea. EVERYONE! SHE'S HERE!"

Wow, Fury is even creepier with a Santa Claus stitched on a sweater.

"Lewis. Late, as usual. And alone, how's the love life?"

"Fury. Still missing an eye...nuh uh?"

I should take improv' class because my comedy timing sucks, holla awkward social interactions.

Apparently Fury is married and his wife is a model or she possibly preys on virgin's blood because she looks rocking for a 50 year old. Why married people think it's alright to ask single people about their love life? Do I ask them if they spice their sex life with kinky accessories? Wait, I just gave myself a mental image there urgh. Move on, Darcy.

"Aww! I'm sure there's someone out there for you! You're still young, that biological clock of yours is still in good condition!" Chimed missus eye-patched. I wanted to scream at that point and I was there for 2 minutes.

I was saved by Thor, that adorable Golden Retriever that took me by the arm and shouted joyously about me remembering his brother.

I guess I have to explain here that OF COURSE I remembered Loki. The guy threw a tantrum and tried to go all Scarface on New York but got his ass served by the Avengers. Then he had family therapy on the other side of the rainbow bridge and was sent here 6 months ago to 'redeem' himself, his big bro living with him in the Stark Tower. He's the baddy bad guy, sort of like Anakin Skywalker before being shish kebabed but without the scary veins of hate all over his pretty, pretty face.

Yes, I have eyes and I happen to recognize pretty, pretty faces. But super villain.

"My brother is in dire need of female companionship!"

Thor could have just ask me to nicely shag his brother over the cheese balls buffet, the message would have been the same.

Being set up with a man against your will is pretty humiliating but when said man glares at you while you are feeling hangover and bloated is worse. The lonely hateful alien was trying to make one with Stark's bookshelves (or maybe reproduce with them, I'm still not sure of his biology).

Loki turned around and I realized that, what seemed like a harmless sweater was actually a clashy mix of colors and fashion accidents harboring a green reindeer - and no, the irony didn't escaped my notice either.

"Dear brother, this is Darcy Lewis, fiery assistant to my Jane, courageous God defeater!"

"I know who she is, Thor." The tone was positively colder than my freezer top shelf that I never open because there's too much ice and I'm so lazy I never properly de-freeze it like I should.

"Oh! Delicious miniature food!" Exclaimed the blonde God before leaving the two of us alone.

Cue to me, alone and face to face with broody and deadly. The silence was unbearable so of course I had to talk.

"Soooo...seen any good movies lately?"

"I don't watch movies."

"Oh yes, alien, right, sorry forgot. Well...read any good books then?"

"I rather liked 'The art of war' by Sun Tzu."

"Wow, okay so, not a fan of Nicholas Sparks, then eh?"

He didn't even cracked a smile.

"Tough crowd." I said before emptying what looked like a bloody Mary.

The silence resumed so I had to fill it because that's what I do.

"Spent the New Year's Eve with your brother?"

"Unfortunately yes, were you at Stark's party last night too?"

"Oh no! I was at this karaoke bar with some college friends, I'm a bit hangover actually!" I stated nervously, his penetrating eyes judging me already. I had to continue talking to him or else everybody was going to think I'm a wuss. I'm not by the way, but I like the bravely stroll away when danger hits. "Don't you think having resolutions of the new year should start something like the first day of February? I mean, it's ridiculous to think you can dissociate yourself from all the foods stocked in your pantry, someone has to eat them you know? Plus, it would be wasteful and everybody is so tired, January is like the month equivalent of a hangover for the year that passed. January is like a Monday, no one loves January. Am I right or what?" I tried to laugh, but oh god it was pitiful.

"Maybe you should get something to eat." And he left me to walk towards the buffet just like that and left me on my own near the bookshelves. My year had a great start already.

2 a.m Why am I so invisible and stupid? I feel ugly, so gross. Even a greasy douchebag of a former super villain thinks the same. Hate this new year, hate everyone! Well no, except Captain Tight Pants. Anyway, have snikers bars, going to eat them and then go on tumblr.