All of me :)
Everything's changing but I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to live in this place where he doesn't exist anymore. He might as well be dead because there are hardly any traces of him left, it's almost like he was never here at all. Soon his flat will be lived in by somebody else and by the looks of things Chez Chez will be having a new owner. Every little bit of him is slowly fading away and pretty soon there will be nothing left, nothing left of Brendan Brady, the man who stole my heart, the man who showed me the kind of person I want to be.
I no longer hear his name in conversation, I never hear the click of his shoes strutting around the village like he's some kind of god, and to me he was. There are no frequent visits to the deli from him or me sneaking off to Chez Chez in my break just to steal a kiss. There is only heartache left now and a great sadness that just won't go away. All I have left of him…of us, are my memories. No one can ever take them away from me and for that I'm glad because right now they are keeping me sane.
It's the little things that I miss about him. His beautiful smile that I was beginning to see more and more, the way he would eat like he hadn't eaten anything for days, the numerous texts and phone calls, just because I was his and he loved me. He never needed a reason to phone me, he just did a lot and I was the same with him. One of the things I miss the most is the way he could make me feel after one touch. It's those touches that I long for and that I wish I still had.
I thought I'd start feeling better, become used to my days being spent without him, but I feel even worse. I just feel so devastated and my life feels so empty without him. I never realised how full he made my life. It's like I don't have a purpose anymore, he was my reason for so many things and now he is gone, I don't know how to live. I wish I could have him back by my side. I wish that this nightmare was happening to someone else. I wish everything could go back to the way it was.
Everyone thinks that I had a lucky escape, that I'm better off without him, but I'm not and anyway they don't know him like I do. They don't understand him, they don't know the lengths he went to, to protect the ones he truly loves. They don't know the truth behind Seamus and the shooting and knowing they never will hurts me so much. People just think he's bad news and I just want to defend him. He never got the happy ending that he deserved, that we deserved together.
Cheryl took priority this time, but I wish she hadn't. She has cost me my future…my happiness and I don't think that I will ever be able to forgive her. She has her whole life ahead of her with Nate, I'm just glad that she isn't around now, I don't think I could cope with seeing her so happy. As for Brendan I know that I will never forgive him for leaving me. I'm so alone now, more alone than I have ever been. I'm sick to death of people telling me to be strong or to get a grip. Can't they see I'm hurting?
I know I'm pushing everyone away, I know I'm on a path of self-destruction, but what else am I supposed to do? I have no one to fight for anymore, I have no reason to be the happy go lucky Ste I used to be. I'm not that person anymore. I am angry, so angry that I don't have any say in this. Everyone is getting on with their lives and forgetting that I have just lost mine and I feel like any hope I had is slipping further and further away from me.
Nothing can change the way I feel about him and no amount of time can erase my memories of him. He will keep refusing to see me; because he thinks that it's best for me, but I will keep on asking to see him…I will keep on until he gives in, because he is best for me. I know he's gone, I'm not deluding myself and I know that he's not coming back anytime soon, but my love for him is here to stay no matter what happens. He doesn't just have my heart; he has everything, my soul, my body, my mind and he will always have, all of me.
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