Great Weiss Sharkos gave me a prompt where Jaune and Ruby went out into the woods to hunt Grimm, but Ruby passes out. When she wakes up, Jaune is dead. He wanted it to be a mystery story, as Ruby tires piecing together what happened to him. Was it the Grimm that killed him, or something else entirely? He considered me the best person to write this story.

Wish granted, my friend.

Well, fuck me sideways with a pineapple. How did this ever happen?

The night had started off so well, as well. Ruby had just come back from the local tavern after a heavy night of milk-drinking, and to work off her calcium buzz she recommended that all of Team RNJR go out and hunt some Grimm. However, it was half two in the morning when they got back, so no one was really in the mood.

Ruby tried everything to get them out of bed. She tried begging, bribing, promising to stop singing in her nasally voice, but nothing seemed to work. Ren used meditation to lull himself back to sleep, and Nora knocked herself out by bashing Magnhild against her head.

It was only then did she activate the power of her silver eyes. Not the actual power she used on the roof that she still hadn't asked Ozpin about for whatever reason, but the power she used regularly as a child - the power of the puppy dog eyes. Her eyes wobbled, shook, and water poured out of them like a fishbowl held by someone with Parkinson's, but Ren and Nora were too passed out to notice.

Except for one person.

Jaune was still awake because he liked to spy on Weiss whilst she slept, so he was forced to endure the unyielding cuteness of Ruby's eyes. The boy caved in easily enough, grabbed his weapons, and the two went out on a hunt.

It was a fine night for hunting. In her drunken stupor, Ruby killed many Grimm. Thanks to her uncle's training, she had mastered the art of the Drunken Fist and the Drunken Scythe. She killed the Grimm so hard, Cinder's left arm started to tingle from PTSD. It was on that night she truly became the Grimm Reaper.

And then she got tired. She had drunk too much milk for her little 15/16/17/43 year old body to handle, so she passed out on a rock.

When she awoke - horror!

Jaune was all kinds of dead. His head was stuck in a tree, his guts were spilling out of his chest, even his Pumpkin Pete hoodie had two x's covering the bunny's eyes. It was horrible. Her best friend and meat shield in the whole world dead, and she had been too busy sleeping to notice.

"Oh, Jaune," the girl wept. She cradled his beheaded body in her arms. "I have failed this city! What am I even fighting for?"

She went back to the house in tears. When news got out of Jaune's death, they couldn't believe what they were hearing. Jaune was like a leader to Ren and Nora. Yang had no one to call Vomit Boy anymore. She tried doing it to Qrow once, but it was just too depressing to see him vomit after a night of drinking, especially as he usually ended up weeping afterwards. He was a bit of a party pooper.

Weiss was affected the most. She ended up going back home to Atlas to marry Henry Merigold in the hopes that he could fill the hole that Jaune had left in her heart. These were dark times indeed.

Ruby was sat in her room. The blinds were shut and empty milk bottles littered the floor. Jaune's death had completely put her off the sandwich she was eating right now. She was about to dye her wrists red when there was a knock at the door. She opened it and saw it was Oscar.

"Hey, Ruby," the farmboy said awkwardly. "I heard what happened to Jaune. Not gonna lie, that made my freckles sad."

Ruby sighed. "This is the life of a hero, Oscar. We fight, we die, and the public goes on living. Welcome to the real world. At least Jaune got to leave it before shit gets real." She pulled out a cigarette and lit it, taking in a huge puff of smoke. She handed one to Oscar. "Want one?"

"I don't think I'm old enough."

"Yeah, but Ozpin is. So you should be fine."

"I think I'll pass."

"Suit yourself, kid." She wrapped her lips around it and sucked deep. Oscar licked his lips. "I've seen a lot of stuff in my day, kid. The kind of shit that makes you want to run back to your mama's arms." She stubbed the cigarette out onto her hand. "My mama's dead, kiddo. It's just me in this cold, cruel world."

"Well, there is your sister, uncle, father-"

"Just me. I gotta live with that." Ruby burped out loud, her breath smelling like cheap milk and burned cookies. "Don't get me wrong, I'm doing all of this to save the world. But there's not a lot left of Ruby Rose left to save. I'm a dead girl walking, Oscar Pine. Think you can handle that?"

Oscar straightened his collar. He had planned to say this confession today and he wasn't gonna let Jaune's death get in the way of that. "Ruby, I don't know much about comforting people during hard times, but what I do know is back on the farm I was a real ladykiller."

Ruby raised her eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Yeah. So if there's one thing I know, it's how to make a girl feel good." Oscar got undressed instantly. "So please. Make me make you feel good."

Ruby thought for a moment before grinning. "You had me at 'farm'," she purred. They jumped on the bed and banged like newlyweds. The sex was so incredibly mind-blowing that it was impossible to describe. So I won't.

Ruby and Oscar lay in the afterglow. He had been right. Oscar was a love machine. Any sorrow she felt over Jaune's death was gone. All she wanted - nay, all she needed - was more of Oscar's fertilizer in her mulch.

"Congratulations, Oscar," she said smoothly. "You've mended this dame's heart."

Oscar smiled and closed his eyes. "Thanks for taking the reins back there, Ozpin," he said mentally.

"You're very welcome, my boy," said the old man in his head. "Now, let's get a move on and kill Sun this time so we can bang Blake. I'm in the mood for some Bellabooty."

Oscar clapped his hands together in anticipation. He couldn't wait. This was so much better than working on a farm.

This is why we can't have nice things.