An Essay on the Godly Qualities of Sasuke's Roommate, Naruto-by Sasuke

Summary: What happens when Sasuke tries to use a program that configures spoken words into written ones for an English essay.

Warnings: Contains yaoi and slight cussing.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. TT

A/N: I haven't written anything…for a while…but this is done! (I think it took, what, thirty minutes?) I've been busy-found out two weeks ago my explanation for suicidal thoughts and cutting was actually clinical depression, so…yeah. Trying my hardest to think happy thoughts!

-Hakai-sama

-0-Enjoy-0-Enjoy-0-Enjoy-0-

My Roommate is a God

by Uchiha Sasuke

My roommate is probably most likely a god.

Yes, I'm serious.

No, I do not need counseling.

I am totally, 100% not joking.

First off, no human being is that hot. I'm pretty sure I'm straight, (okay, maybe bi) but for a guy, even I'd say he's fuckable! His blonde hair is the color of the sun, his skin perfectly tan all over, and his eyes…looking into his eyes is like looking into the deepest pool of the ocean.

Not that I've looked into his eyes. (Not recently, at least. Like, in a few hours. Or…maybe only an hour.)

Second of all, no one gets a perfect score on everything. Every. Single. Little. Thing. His grades are better than mine, and my average is a 99! How he spends so much time fucking m…around and not studying yet maintains perfection is a total mystery. Heck, the teachers even give him hundreds on essays! That's…like…impossible…

Third off, human beings can't be that fit and pig out on ramen 24/7. No, I take that back. All he eats is ramen! I'd know, I'm there for almost every meal! I mean, since I'm his roommate…and…all…even breakfast! He even eats ramen for breakfast! Yeah!

Fourth, no other human being can make me feel so…weird. Humans just don't do that! Like, whenever you're (well, at least this is true with me) with him, when he laughs, you feel like bursting. Isn't that what a god would do?

Because it's defiantly not that love thing. No. No. No no no.

Fifth off, I've never met a human that good in bed.

N…never…mind…

Sixth of all, humans don't have skin that soft! It feels so good to the touch, like Egyptian cotton that you never want to stop rubbing. And that Egyptian cotton would be a blanket that can move by itself, hug you, and envelop you in warmth.

And touch you everywhere you want to be touched. No human can do that!

Seventh, no human being knows where all of your sensual spots are the first time you f…

Eighth, no human kisses like that. Nope. The perfect amount of teasing, sucking, and tongue-no human can do that! None! And he never leaves hickies either!

…

Please ignore that last part.

Ninth of all, no one can say exactly what you need to hear when you need to hear it. I've never heard someone say such nice things to me…it's incredible. And, whenever I feel sad or lonely, he knows to lock the door, open the window, and hold me. He knows how to sooth me, pat me gently on the head, rub my arm…everything. And I love it.

Disregard that last sentence please. They aren't letting me erase any of this for some odd reason.

Tenth of all, humans can't float.

…

Wait, you thought I was just mistaking this for love? Well…I'm pretty sure it's not love. I mean, he's defiantly a god. Humans can't hover midair to grab something when you're sick and delusional in bed.

You think it was the delusions?

No, that can't be it. Impossible. I mean, that's when he said he hated me too. That's defiantly not it.

…

Wait, he's where?

…

Buying a what?

…

Why would he be buying a ring? He doesn't have a girlfriend.

…

Well, he hasn't asked me out.

…

It has the Uchiha crest on it? Is he secretly a member of my clan? Shit, that'd be incest…never mind, never mind, disregard that.

…

He's outside? Asking for me? Holy fucking hell! I'm sending this off! Talk to you later!

*presses send button*

Teacher's notes: Sasuke, although I'm glad you're back with Naruto and officially going out this time, please don't just do a record-transcribe-send thing. Just type it up. Rewrite it. Oh, and please stop skipping class so Naruto and you can get it on. Thanks.

-Kakashi