The Transformers Prime Valentine Special

Optimus Prime slowly opened his optics. His head ached. "Ugh…" He lifted his head a little bit to find that he was lying on his back in a very dark and very plain room. Suddenly alarmed, Optimus stood up and tried to make sense of his surroundings. "Where am I? And how did I get here?" He asked to no one in particular.

"What the?!" A voice suddenly said behind Optimus.

Optimus twirled around to see who it was. "MEGATRON!"

"PRIME!" Megatron yelled back.

Optimus whipped out his ion blaster and aimed it at Megatron. Megatron raised his fusion cannon.

*Click*

*Click*

Their weapons wouldn't work.

Optimus and Megatron then brought out their swords.

…

Perhaps a better use of words would be that Optimus and Megatron tried to bring out their swords, but again, their weapons just weren't working.

"No matter," Megatron said, "I will crush you with my bare hands!"

Megatron charged Optimus and was about to tackle him, when Optimus calmly held up one hand to stop him and spoke. "Wait, Megatron. Did you too awake here?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact!"

"So you aren't behind this…"

"Enough talk! You will die today!"

"Megatron, I believe it is in both of our best interests to work together to escape this predicament."

"Do you honestly expect me to listen to you? This isn't like that one time we had to kill Unicron!"

"Actually, Megatron, it would be in your best interest to listen to Optimus." A deep, anonymous voice said, seemingly coming from nowhere.

Megatron froze, and slowly turned to Optimus with a rabid expression.

Optimus defensively raised his hands. "I swear to Primus Megatron, that wasn't me."

"Ha! Did both of you honestly think that Optimus alone had access to a voice disguiser? Something as simple as that cannot surpass THE MIGHT OF- *cough*, ahem."

"ARE YOU BEHIND THIS?!" Megatron roared.

"I am. And you are both here to suffer a fate worse than death itself."

Megatron raised a brow plate. "Which would be…?"

"…Heh. Read the description of this fanfic."

Curious, Megatron looked up the TFP Valentine special on on his magical crack laptop. As his eyes scanned over the description, a look of sheer horror dawned upon his face. "…No…"

"What is it, Megatron?" Optimus asked.

"O- Optimus…" Megatron shakily said, "We're in a… slash fic."

Optimus' eyes widened. "And, err, who in question does this slash fic star?"

Megatron simply stared at Optimus with the saddest pair of puppy dog eyes an evil giant robot could physically do.

Optimus took a step back in horror. "Oh no…"

"Oh yes."

"RELEASE US FROM THIS HELL RIGHT NOW!" Megatron roared.

"I don't think so. Either you two make love, or you're trapped in here forever."

Optimus face palmed. "We're gonna die in here of energon starvation, aren't we, Megatron?"

"Yep."

"Unless…"

"Unless what?! TELL ME!" Megatron yelled.

"…If you can defeat my minions, I might let you go free."

"We accept!" Megatron said. "Don't we, Optimus?"

Optimus shrugged. "We don't have any other choice."

"Oh, this is going to be so much fun. Here, because I am in a good mood, I shall reactivate your weapons, so that you have something of a fighting chance. Begin!"

The pitter patter of small footsteps suddenly filled the room. Optimus and Megatron stood back to back, blades drawn, waiting for their opponents to reveal themselves. The footsteps came closer, until from out of the darkness, surrounding Optimus and Megatron, stepped forth an army of…

Tiny robotic humanoids.

Optimus and Megatron mistook them for Mini- Cons at first, all of them barely tall enough to reach up to either one's knees, but then they noticed that their faces were astonishingly human- like. Also, they appeared to have metallic hair and bird wings. Strangely, all of them wore baby diapers. There were at least a hundred of them.

"Optimus… what am I looking at?" Megatron asked in the flattest tone possible.

"They appear to be cherubs," Optimus answered, "Or at least robotic cherubs. Creatures of romantic human mythology."

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Megatron said. Then something caught his eye. "Are those weapons they are carrying?"

Optimus looked. Indeed, each of the robot cherubs was carrying a bow and a pack of arrows. Then, without warning, one of the cherubs strung an arrow, aimed it at Megatron, and fired. The arrow hit Megatron in the neck.

"GAH!" Megatron yelled. He plucked the surprisingly sharp arrow from his neck and crushed it in his fist. He angrily looked at the offending cherub. "YOU LITTLE SCRAPLET!" Megatron aimed his fusion cannon at the cherub and fired. The cherub was promptly incinerated.

All at once the cherubs unleashed a volley of arrows upon Optimus and Megatron, and then they swarmed them, latching onto them like leeches.

"This is freaking ridiculous!" Megatron yelled as he sliced a dozen cherubs in half at once.

"I agree," Optimus said as he blew up a crowd of cherubs, "I feel very uncomfortable destroying these human- like creatures."

"Hm, when you put it that way, this is kind of cool. But that's not what I was talking about."

"Then what were you talking about?" Optimus sliced off the head of the last cherub.

"That."

Megatron pointed at the giant five hundred- foot tall robot cherub stomping towards them. It had huge razor claws, drills for toes, six rows of teeth, fire breath, and lasers shooting out of its eyes.

"Megatron, we must stick together to defeat it! Stay close!" Optimus said, but he was not answered. "…Megatron?"

Megatron had transformed into his alternate mode and was flying at full speed toward the giant monster cherub. The beast roared and spewed fire at Megatron. Megatron flew straight through the flames, into the cherub's mouth, and tore right through the back of the monster's head. The giant cherub froze up, and fell to the ground face first. Megatron transformed and landed between Optimus and the cherub's corpse.

"…That was a huge anticlimax." Optimus deadpanned.

Megatron smirked. "You're just jelly." He looked upwards to the dark ceiling. "Is that it? Are we free to go?"

"Hmm… nope."

"WHAT?! But we had a deal!"

"Indeed we did, and if I recall, I said that I might release you. Now start making out. I have to please the perverted fangirls."

And then Megatron had a spaz attack and started randomly shooting everywhere in a blind fury. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Hey! Stop that! Stop it! You might-"

One of Megatron's blasts blew out a section of wall. The dust cleared, revealing a hidden room. There was a huge television screen, numerous buttons, a microphone, and most importantly…

Starscream.

Starscream nervously shifted his eyes. "Eh heh, OH HIIIIIII Lord Megatron! I, uh, I can explain this-"

Megatron rushed up to Starscream with terrifying speed, grabbed him by the neck, and pinned him against the wall.

"Then please do explain," Megatron said in a deathly calm voice.

"I- I… wanted… to… do a Valentine's Day special."

"Valentine's Day was A WEEK AGO YOU IMBECILE!"

"WELL WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THAT?! ME OR THE AUTHOR?! OH PRIMUS DON'T KILL ME!" Starscream begged.

"No, death is too good for you. I have something much worse in mind for you."

"Megatron…" Optimus said in a warning tone, "Although I am irked by Starscream's trickery, you had better not do anything too bad to him. We need him fully functional for Season Three."

"Oh don't worry Optimus, I won't do anything fatal to him. His punishment will only be… cruel and unusual." Megatron evilly grinned at Starscream.

Starscream whimpered.

Later, on the Nemesis…

Starscream was thrown into a dark room by Megatron. He quickly got up and spun around the face Megatron, who was still standing by the doorway.

Megatron was innocently smiling at him with fake sympathetic eyes. "Now you two have fun. Do try to not make too much noise." Megatron pressed a button, and the door closed.

"Hey there sexy." A feminine yet strangely masculine voice said.

Starscream froze, then slowly turned around. "No… oh Primus NO!"

"Let's see you work those hips of yours." The fembot exited the shadows, revealing herself to be…

Strika from Beast Machines.

"No! Stay away!" Starscream yelled. He clawed at the door. "Let me out! Let me out! Hey! Get your hands off me! No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The End