Hawke waited outside the clinic, pacing back and forth. She felt like she was going to throw up, but she tried to keep it together. In a few more minutes, she would tell him, and then she could plan from there. It wouldn't be so bad. He loved her. She knew that. They would make things work, no matter what happened.
She jumped when he finally opened his door, smiling at her.
"Come on in," he said, waving her inside, "I've got a few minutes."
"Anders," she said, hesitating, "There's something I have to-"
He sat down in his worn chair, sighing, "I've been on my feet all day, love. I'm so glad you're here. It's just nice to have someone here who doesn't need me to lance a boil or something."
Hawke normally would have come to sit in his lap, despite his bony frame digging into her hips and legs. She loved those moments of vulnerability, of being completely encased by the man she loved.
But she didn't trust his reaction and remained standing.
"Anders," she said calmly as she could, "Anders, I'm pregnant."
Anders chuckled, "Sure you are. And I saw a griffon this afternoon with a thorn in its paw. Come on, let's go get something to eat."
He rose, making his way to his tiny kitchen.
"I'm serious," she said firmly, "I'm six weeks late."
Anders turned slowly back to her and asked quietly, "Whose is it?"
"What?" Hawke asked in surprise, "Yours, of course. Who else could it possibly be?"
Anders growled, "I'm a Grey Warden. We can't have children. So you tell me. Who's is it?"
Hawke whispered, "Anders...I've only been with you these past two years. You know that. I would never...it's possible, isn't it? We're both healers, we're both mages. This is a miracle, Anders. Why don't you trust me?"
Anders' eyes flashed blue for a moment before he regained control.
"This wasn't part of the plan, love," Anders murmured.
"I know," she said softly, "I'm terrified and I just...please. I know this isn't what you wanted, but I need you right now. I love you. I just need you to love me back."
"Of course I love you," Anders said, wrapping his arms around her. She buried her face in his hair, smelling his musk, the sweat.
"What can I do?" He asked, "Do you want to keep it?"
Hawke bit her lip before nodding.
Anders kissed her on the forehead before he pulled away.
"Move in with me," she said gently, "I'll need your help and you'll be safer at my home anyways. You can use the tunnel back and forth. Please...please, my love."
"I don't know if I can be a father," he admitted, "This isn't what I wanted-"
"It's harder to be a martyr then, isn't it?" Hawke laughed darkly, "Now you won't just be running out on me into the middle of the night, but your unborn child. Now you won't look like a saint, but an asshole."
"I'm trying to make a better life for both of us," Anders snarled in return, "What do you think that child has to look forward to? He'll most likely be a mage like us, with two apostates for parents. He'll spend his entire life running from the Circle unless there are people like me to fight for him."
They both caught their breath, staring intently at the other. He kissed her suddenly and she melted into his touch.
"I'm sorry," he whispered between kisses, "I'm sorry. I'll try, love. I'll do anything for you. You know that. I love you, I love you so much."
In that moment, Hawke believed him.
oOoOo
"Where is he?" Hawke cried, Aveline pinning her down.
Isabela said firmly, "You're going to have to do this without him, Hawke. Merrill and I are both here, we can deliver this baby. I've delivered at least ten myself and if Merrill doesn't pass out, she can help."
"Ten?" Aveline asked in surprise.
"People get busy on pirate ships," Isabela retorted, "Come on now, Hawke. I need you to focus on me. Listen to me. I need you to breathe. Can you do that?"
Hawke took a deep breath, squeezing Aveline's hand as she cried.
She listened to Isabela's commands, feeling the pirate move her hands lower in order to help catch her child as they slipped into the world. Isabela brought them to her chest, wrapping a blanket around them both.
The baby was still covered in blood, but its cry was the most beautiful sound she had ever heard. She laughed and cried, holding the child to her chest, kissing its head. She felt the three women come around her, touching her arms and legs soothingly.
In that moment, she forgot that Anders even existed. All that mattered to her was that tiny bundle in her arms.
"What will you call her?" Merrill asked.
Hawke smiled, "It's a girl?"
Hawke smelled the top of her baby's head, holding her to her.
"I don't know yet," she admitted, "I thought I was having a boy. I guess that whole thing about carrying higher or lower is nonsense."
"I told you," Aveline reminded.
Hawke laughed, feeling utterly loved.
oOoOo
Hawke woke in the night, the child sleeping in a crib beside her. She could hear Isabela's voice from downstairs. She heard someone run up the stairs and she looked blearily as the door opened, a candle lighting the room.
Anders stood frozen, seeing Hawke lift the baby into her arms as she cried. She tried to smile, too exhausted for anything more. Anders walked to her side, taking the baby into his trembling arms.
"What did you call her?" He asked.
"I thought I'd check with you first."
Anders said softly, "Nienor. I read that in a book once in the Circle. I always liked it."
"What does it mean?" She asked.
Anders chuckled, "I don't remember."
He laid the child back in the crib, now fallen asleep again. He kicked off his boots and laid beside Hawke in the bed, kissing her forehead. They fell asleep, their fingers entwined.
oOoOo
Nienor was three days old when Anders disappeared. Hawke was exhausted, pacing around the estate, too weak to go out to find him. For a week, she thought he was dead. She was aching and felt like death itself. She was amazingly in love with her child, but it didn't mean she wasn't incredibly pissed off at her.
Isabela had been a Godsend, taking care of them both in that time. After two days, Aveline had tried to track him down, but had lost the trail.
Seven days after he had disappeared, Anders came back through the front door as if he had just stepped out.
Hawke threw herself at him, crying as she pounded on his chest.
"I thought you were dead, you son of a bitch," she screamed, "Where the shit have you been?"
"I had an assignment from the Underground, it had to be done right away."
"You couldn't have given it to someone else?"
"There is no one else!" Anders shouted.
Hawke started crying, "Then why didn't you just tell me? I thought I lost you. I thought I was never going to see you again."
He held her as she sobbed into his shoulder.
"I was trying to protect you," he whispered, kissing her forehead, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea I would be gone for so long. If I had written to you, I would have only endangered you both. Please, please forgive me."
Hawke heard Nienor crying from upstairs and groaned in exhaustion. Anders left her side, climbing up the stairs. She followed tiredly, pausing as she saw him pick her out of the crib, holding her in his arms. She stopped crying, reaching out to touch his finger. He smiled, tucking his hair behind his ear. He rocked her, humming a song Hawke had never heard before.
She reached his side, holding him around his waist.
"I'm trying," he whispered, "I'm really trying."
Hawke murmured wearily, "Try harder."
oOoOo
Nienor was three months old the first time Hawke heard her laugh. Hawke absolutely beamed, tickling the bottom of her tiny feet. Nienor giggled in response. Hawke picked her up, wanting to show Anders.
She found him upstairs in his study, writing furiously, his face gaunt. He smiled wearily as Nienor laughed again, patting her absentmindedly on the cheek. He didn't throw them out, but simply patiently waited until they left.
She wished suddenly she could speak to her mother, now gone all these years. She wished she could have asked her what it was like when she was little, if her father had adjusted to being a father so soon. She remembered being about four, her father laughing hard as he carried her on his shoulders, her arms out as she pretended to be a dragon.
She tried to think of what her mother would say to her then. She had a memory of her mother in her rocking chair back in Lothering, advising a friend who was having trouble getting pregnant. Hawke had been hiding in the corridor, just fifteen years old, and hoping to try to sneak out of the house to meet a boyfriend in the barn.
Leandra had patted this friend on the knee and had said, "Marianne, you're not going to fix this by having a baby. Everyone thinks that if they have a baby, it fixes everything. People will fall back in love, get their lives together. But the truth is, it's the hardest thing you'll ever go through. It doesn't make relationships better. It makes them worse. It's when you're truly tested as a couple. If things weren't well before, they're going to absolutely fall apart."
The woman had started crying and in the distraction, Hawke had run out of the house, paying little attention to the scene. But lately, Hawke had been playing over so much that her mother had said over the years, hoping to understand her better now that she was gone.
The baby babbled happily and Hawke held her close, kissing the top of her head.
She reassured herself. Anders was here. He hadn't gone off on any suicide missions, hadn't disappeared. He had moved in, ate meals, even got up in the night to take care of his daughter. Things were getting better. He hadn't stopped trying.
oOoOo
Hawke had her baby strapped to her front when she ran out between Meredith and Orsino. Nienor had started crying at the sound of her mother's angry shouting, punctuating the silence as the pair stared each other off.
Merrill had gently pulled her back into the crowd, stroking her back.
"We should get the wee one home before you start fighting in the streets," she said teasingly, "She's not quite the warrior you are yet."
"It's starting, isn't it?" Hawke whispered, "The beginning of the end."
"Don't say that," Merrill replied, "There's still hope. There are people like you in this city. People who care, people who want peace. My people have a story about the brightest star in the sky, the one that never falters. It is said that even in the darkest night, there is still everlasting light."
As they reached the Estate, Hawke said quietly, "If something happens to me, take Nina. Get out of the city, go back to the Dalish, they'll keep you both safe. Promise me, please. You're the only one who will know what it's like as a mage. I know you'll protect her in the days to come."
Merrill hesitated and said gently, "I don't think Anders would approve."
Hawke said angrily, "I don't care."
Merrill nodded sadly, "Okay."
She entered the house, kissing Merrill on the cheek before she left. She froze, seeing Anders pace in front of the fireplace.
"Are you alright?" She asked.
"I heard what you said," he said nervously, "You're right, things need to change in this city. It's not safe anymore."
"I agree," she sighed, "I think we need to get out of Kirkwall. I'll get Varric to sell the Estate and we'll go back to Ferelden. Maybe we'll buy a little place in the south. I just don't want to stay here, Anders, it's not safe anymore."
Anders replied angrily, "Now you want to leave? You told me yourself that it's time for revolution. You may have stopped them killing each other today, but what about tomorrow or the day after? This city is on the brink of tearing itself apart. It needs us."
"Anders," she hissed, "Hold on."
She unstrapped the child and handed her to Bodahn, who carried her into the nursery. Once the door was closed, she met Anders' glare, the blue flickering in his eyes.
"Of course it does," she shouted, "Of course, there's no one else who could ever possibly take over. It has to be you in charge of everything. You have to be the big savior of all the mages. Justice won't let you be anything else. Not a lover nor a father, just this vindictive force. Is this why you're never here, Anders? Am I distracting you too much from your big noble goal?"
"I'm here," he retorted, "I live here. I sleep beside you every night. I love you. I'm fighting to protect you and our daughter. You used to fight beside me, but all you care about is us. You don't see the big picture anymore, you don't see what's worth fighting for, you're being selfish."
"I'm selfish?" She accused, "You weren't even here when she was born. You left me to go through the most painful thing I ever experienced alone. You were there in the square today and you didn't protect us. You just left."
"I didn't want to be a father," he hissed, "You knew that. It doesn't mean I don't love her, but dedicated myself to this struggle first. I can't have any distractions. Not even the two of you."
She slapped him across the face before she could stop herself. He kissed her angrily, pushing her up against the wall. He hesitated before she kissed him in return, tearing at his robes. His cock sprung free and he pushed up her skirt, tearing her underclothes from her.
She cried out as he entered her roughly, thrusting hard and fast. She held onto his neck, crying, whispering, "I hate you."
He stopped, pulling from her. She grabbed him, pulling him back to her. He kissed her, crying as he pushed back into her. She grabbed at his hair, his teeth grazing against her neck. He ripped through the bodice on her dress, his hand desperately rubbing her clit.
"Come, damn it," he groaned, "Please, please."
She bit into his shoulder, drawing blood as she came around him. His thrusts grew erratic, his fingernails digging into her ass. His knees gave out as he climaxed, pushing his hands against the wall as he tried to hold them still.
They looked into each other's eyes.
"I love you," he whispered.
Her voice broke as she whispered, "I know, but it's not enough."
"I can't do this," he murmured, pulling from her, "I tried...I tried so damn hard, but I can't. There are things I need to do...things I can't do if I stay here."
"When this is all over," she asked fearfully, "Will you come back? We love each other. I love you so much. When I look at her, I see you. I see your eyes and your smile and I hear your laugh. I see all these pieces of you and it breaks my heart every time. Please...please, Anders. I need you."
Anders said softly, "If there had been another time or place...if I was a different man, then I would have never left you. I would have had a dozen children with you, I would have loved them all. But I'm not a different man. I think we both need to accept that."
"I read your damn book," she laughed sadly, "Tear-maiden, huh?"
"I forgot," he admitted, "I thought that was the eldest sister's name."
He cupped her face, resting his forehead against hers.
"Please don't go," she pleaded, "I know...I know if you go, you're not coming back. Whatever you're planning to do, Anders, it's not worth it. Please. Please don't leave me."
She closed her eyes before he leaned in to kiss her. It was soft, gentle, but it felt like he was already gone, like it was a ghostly imprint of his lips against hers.
She opened her eyes again and he was gone.