Set after the episode "Fetal Position". So spoilers for everything after that.
Probably R for naughty language.
I don't own House, M.D. characters or make any money from writing this weird shit.
Review if you like.
Lisa Cuddy, after several tries at artificial insemination and in vitro, decided to go with a surrogate mother.
She contacted a service, paid an outrageous amount of money and interviewed applicants to be her rented womb. After a dozen women paraded in and out of her living room, she almost gave up hope.
Bridget Dell was sitting in Lisa Cuddy's office, CV in lap. Dr. Cuddy was doing interviews herself for Dr. House's assistant. Bridge knew he was a Diagnostician and the best in his field, which was one reason she was confused that they were hiring outside the hospital, instead of promoting from the nurse's currently on the payroll.
Other reasons for confusion were the hours and the pay scale, which was slightly better than the average nurse's. Granted, Bridget had her Master's and would negotiate up, but the advertised wage was high for the usual nurse.
The door opened and Dr. Cuddy hurried into the office, sitting down behind her desk and smiling.
"I'm sorry to keep you waiting, I had meeting run over," the Dean of Medicine said, extending her hand to shake.
Bridget took the proferred hand and also offered her CV.
"No problem at all."
Cuddy perused the CV and letters of recommendation, then looked up at the woman sittingopposite her.
"I need to be blunt here, Miss Dell. Dr. House is not entirely plea- I'm sorry, let me clarify. Dr. House is nearly intolerable to work with, much less for, and I believe you need to know that before we begin the interview process."
Bridget raised an eyebrow, but otherwise remained silent while Cuddy talked.
"I need someone who can put up with his foul attitude, get all his billing, summariesand paperwork done and assist with patient care. When Dr. House doesn't have a priority patient and the paperwork for the department is caught up, you'll be assisting for various other departments."
Cuddy looked at the woman expectantly. So far, this speech had scared off 7 prospective nurses/assistants.
Bridget turned her head to the side and looked at Dr. Cuddy. She appeared harried, expectant and resigned all at the same time.
"I believe that explains the pay," Bridget said, smiling at Cuddy.
Cuddy smiled back, lips tight.
"You're resume is impeccable. I made calls before our appointment, you have a fan club in your wake. What I can't figure out is why you would give up the Director of Nursing at Langwell to be an assistant here?"
Bridge took a deep breath.
"In honesty, Dr. Cuddy, I couldn't work in long term care another month. I don't have a problem with the geriatric field, I have a problem with a system that makes the lives of our elderly a poorly run business. Even in an establishment like Langwell, Dr. Cuddy, we were pushed to lower nursing and support staff hours, work with the bare minimum, just for more money. No matter that our residents paid through the nose for the pleasure of our very basic care.
"I don't wish you to believe I parted from Langwell with hard feelings. I didn't. I just couldn't be part of the problem anymore. And frankly, when I saw the position advertised, I was intrigued."
Cuddy almost cheered.
"Then, you are aware of Dr. House's reputation?"
Bridget nodded.
"His stats and his less than sterling qualities. He saves lives, but his bed side manner and colleague interaction could use some work. An overhaul, from what I hear."
Cuddy's good feeling lessened.
"So, again, I have to ask, why here?"
"You know this hospital's reputation, Dr. Cuddy, better than anyone. And after years of banging my head against a wall, I want to be part of a fully functioning, well-oiled machine. Even if it means working with or for, in this instance, a jerk."
She thought a second.
"It might be fun. I haven't had the chance for witty repartee since… Well, I don't know when."
Cuddy's good cheer returned. Finally, a nurse who didn't bolt from the office when Dr. House's… idiosyncrasies… were mentioned.
Cuddy smiled happily.
"When can you start?"
It was Bridget's turn to smile.
"Anytime, Dr. Cuddy," she replied.
The next day, Bridget was back in Cuddy's office for her joint interview with Cuddy and House.
It went… Well, it went.
"I don't need an assistant, I have Cameron," House said belligerently, before introductions could even be made.
"House, this is Bridget Dell. She's the only nurse that didn't run screaming from the room when I said your name. She's hired," Cuddy replied.
Bridget turned in her seat to regard the man by the office door.
"Pleasure to meet you Dr. House," she said casually, then turned back to Cuddy.
House limped into the office and took the seat next to Bridget.
"There are nurse's all over the hospital, I don't need thisone specifically," he continued.
"That's where we are going to have to disagree. Dr. Cameron has her own paperwork to deal with due to the increased clinic hours-"
"You increased the clinic hours!" he shouted. "Decrease them and we'll be fine."
Cuddy tried to smile patiently.
"We received a grant to expand the clinic. That means more patients. More patients equal more doctors and nurses."
"I can do simple math," House said, sinking back into the chair.
He turned to Bridget.
"What's so special about you?" he barked.
"I guess it would be that I find your pomposity and aggrieved attitude charming, despite the fact that I think you need a swift kick," Bridget said.
"You know, I'm potentially your boss, I could fire you," he remarked.
Cuddy spoke up.
"I'm her boss, you're just her supervisor. I'll take all your notes on her work into consideration when it comes to firing her." 'Or giving her a raise so she'll stay,' Cuddy thought.
"You promised me autonomy-" House started.
"And you have it. With your fellows and just about every other thing you see fit to do with or to your patients. Your assistant is the only person under my purview. Hence, autonomy."
Cuddy smiled sweetly.
House turned to Bridget.
"I like my coffee like I like my women," he said standing up and leaving.
Bridget turned towards the door.
"How is that?" she asked.
However, House had made his escape.
"He is infuriating…" Cuddy mused. "But brilliant. Unfortunately."
"An infuriating, brilliant jackass with tenure," Bridget said. "You sure know how to pick them."
Bridget wished she could suck the words back into her mouth the minute they'd gone.
Cuddy cocked her head at Bridge.
"You have no idea."
Bridget decided to bring up the other subject in her head.
"Dr. Cuddy… I don't know how to broach this, but…"
"I'll pay you almost anything you want," Cuddy said quickly. "Within reason."
"That's good to know, and my pay request is in the packet with my CV. But I wanted to talk about… something more personal."
"Yes?"
"I was employed with a… surrogate agency while I was working at Langwell. I was given your request and information."
Cuddy couldn't decide how to respond.
"I understand if you think it's too complicated to discuss, now that I'm employed here-"
"No, no…" Cuddy said, distractedly, "It's only mildly complicated." She thought a moment. "Why would you want to surrogate?"
"Why not? I'm relatively young-" She took a deep breath. "Okay, no bullshit. I was pregnant, two years ago. Due to… a terrible accident… I miscarried. I am otherwise healthy with a decent genetic history. But I get put on the bottom of the list because of the miscarriage."
"Can I ask you what happened?" Cuddy said.
Bridget smiled grimly.
"Car accident, spontaneous abortion, nothing could be done. And I guess I want to surrogate to prove I can carry a baby to term. It sounds strange and convoluted… But that pregnancy was unplanned, a surprise for my boyfriend at the time and myself. We were planning to place the child in a closed adoption. You know, careers, lack of stability… The same old thing."
Cuddy looked at the woman earnestly. The same things had run through her head when she was Bridget's age.
"You can only put it off so long…" Cuddy said quietly.
"I want to be honest with you Dr. Cuddy-"
"You get to call me Lisa when we're talking about you potentially carrying my child."
Bridge smiled.
"Then call me Bridget, please. And in all honesty, I'm not aware that I want to have children of my own. Ever. And if I do, and I'm beyond a certain age… Well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it."
She looked at her employer.
"So? You want to stick your baby in me?"
Cuddy laughed.
"The problem for me is not just the womb, it's the viability of my eggs…"
"I have plenty of eggs, all just going to waste every month. If you don't mind the blonde and blue recessive traits."
Cuddy thought quickly.
"No, actually. I don't mind that at all."
"You want me to impregnate my assistant?" House said amused. "We've only just met. Can I take her out to dinner first, see if she likes monster trucks?"
"No, House, I want you to ejaculate into a specimen cup and she'll be artificially inseminated. You're the one who went on about your great genes."
"That's when I thought I had a chance of doing the mommy-daddy hug with you. But now if I have to sit back and think of your sweet ass instead of getting a piece of it-"
"You're a pig, House. And you won't be responsible for anything. Other than providing the semen. My lawyer can draw up the paperwork for everyone to sign. You don't have to be a daddy, and Bridget will give up her claim. I'll be the sole responsible party."
House sat back in his chair and mused.
"Why would I do this?"
Cuddy took a deep breath.
"You offered."
"I refer to the mommy-daddy hug."
"I'm literally on my last chance."
"This won't even, technically, be your baby if you use her eggs."
"Why do you care?"
"You could just adopt at this rate."
Cuddy sat and looked into House's eyes.
"My eggs are no good, I've already sunk an ungodly amount of money into surrogacy. And I don't get my money back if I change my mind. I have to settle on someone eventually. I don't even know why I signed that clause in the stupid fucking contract." She took a deep breath. "Just do this House, and you can consider your clinic duty paid up for the rest of the year."
"The next 12 months and you have a deal."
"You are…"
"Good genetic material?" House put in.
"And silent. I want to keep this out of the gossip mill I mean it, not even Wilson."
"It's not going to get out when my assistant grows fat with child and then you suddenly have a baby?"
Cuddy smirked.
"That's a problem for the future. I just want your silence right now, as part of the deal."
House nodded.
"Fine. When do you want me to knock the harridan up?"
Cuddy just shook her head.
"I'll get back to you."
As part of the surrogacy procedure, Bridget was required to have a complete physical before insemination. A complete physical.
And House, with his lovely sense of humor, thought the ducklings should do it. As a training exercise.
On her first day of work, House introduced Bridget as their new patient. He also introduced his fellows colorfully. 'The black one', Dr. Foreman. 'The bleeding heart', Dr. Cameron. And 'the pretty one', Dr. Chase.
Bridget waved, but otherwise kept quiet.
"Why isn't she in a hospital room?" Foreman asked.
"Does she look like she needs to be admitted to the hospital?" House asked.
"No," Cameron said quickly, "She looks healthy."
"Ahh, grasshopper, looks can be deceiving," House said, taking a seat and tapping his cane against the floor.
"Is she sick or not, House?" Chase asked irritably.
"Full physical and work up," House said. "You tell me."
Many hours later, House was sitting in his office, listening to his Ipod and playing a game on his PSP, while Bridget sorted though paperwork in the diagnostics lounge.
"What are you doing?" Foreman asked, walking in with test results.
"What Dr. House told me to do," she replied.
"He asked you to file his clinic patients charts?"
She looked at him blankly, just for fun.
"Yes."
Foreman knocked on the glass separating the office from the lounge but got no response from House.
He gave up on that idea and left the lounge, banging House's office door open.
"Why does she have patient files?" Foreman asked belligerently.
"It pleased me," House said in a very patriarchal tone.
"Have you heard of a fun, little thing called HIPPA?"
"She's my assistant. Cuddy hired her last week."
Foreman closed his eyes and shook his head.
"Seriously, she's a nurse, she's a secretary and she's mine. So, hands off."
"You have issues, House," Foreman said, walking out of the office and back into the lounge.
"Thanks for playing, please try again," House called to the other man's back.
The ducklings were gathered in the diagnostics lounge, sitting on one side of the table. Bridget sat on the other.
"Hi, I'm Bridget Dell, R.N., M.S. I'm a Leo in the cusp of Virgo, with just a hint of Scorpio. I like short walks on the beach preceded by nice dinners and wine. My favorite sport is hockey, but I'll watch a basketball game if they're in the finals."
Chase stopped her.
"That's not what we meant. Tell us why House put us through the infantile game."
She furrowed her brow.
"I don't know. Maybe he likes torturing you? That's the impression I got, anyway," Bridget said. "You find anything?"
Foreman blew out his breath.
"You're thyroid is a bit high, but not worth medicating, and you have a UTI," he said.
"No, I don't," she said.
"No, you don't. But your thyroid is elevated. You'll want to keep an eye on it," Cameron said.
"Thanks. Anything else?"
House walked into the lounge.
"Time to go walkies," he said, motioning to Bridget.
"I didn't realize you weren't paper trained," she said, standing. "Do I need to grab a couple zip top baggies, or do you just need to go number one?"
Foreman laughed, Chase smiled and Cameron just shook her head.
"We need to see the nice Dr. Cuddy about having you spayed," he replied.
She walked to the door.
"Was that a terribly convoluted way of calling me a bitch? Or was it a cat in heat reference? Because neither really apply."
He gave her a nudge out the door.
"Bye," she called to the fellows, "See you tomorrow."
"So," he said on the walk down, "you're going to make Cuddy a mommy?"
"Such is the plan," Bridget replied.
"Why?"
"Why not?"
"Do you always answer a question with a question?"
"Do you always ask such personal questions about people's motivations?"
"Do you have something to hide?" he asked as they stepped onto the elevator.
"I'm the one who had every possible sample taken and scan done. I'm not hiding anything. You on the other hand…"
"Yes?" he said impatiently.
"Nope, I don't start shit. If you want my opinion, I'm going to need Greek food and a Vin Diesel movie."
"Would you settle for Indian and Jason Statham?" he said, grinning wickedly. "Granted, it has to end in sex…"
They stepped off the elevator and headed for Cuddy's office.
"Oh, no sir, we are doing this new school. You get a magazine and a cup and I get a turkey baster."
"Seems kind of ridiculous, if you're going to accept my fluids, to object to the means of transmission."
"Women, huh? We're funny like that," Bridget said and pushed Cuddy's office door open.
"She's clean as a whistle, if that whistle needed it's thyroid checked in another year or so," House said, sitting down.
Bridget took a seat as well.
"That shouldn't affect the pregnancy," Cuddy said. "Good."
"So, when does he get tested?" Bridget asked. "I'm not 'receiving any fluids' with out a few tests on his part as well."
"Done and done," Cuddy said, holding up a folder. "Now, House, by signing that contract, you gave permission-"
"Yeah, yeah. Give her the results."
Before Cuddy could hand them over, he added.
"The results came back that I'm a stud and a catch, prepare to be impregnated."
Bridget took the file.
"I'll look for myself, thanks."
She looked things over.
"No mention of stud or…" she paused, "No, no mention of what a catch you are, but you are clean. If Cuddy wants your seed, I guess I don't object."
"Magnanimous of you," House said seriously.
"I like to think so." Bridget turned to Cuddy. "Are you sure? Him?"
Cuddy smiled and nodded.
"Okay," Bridget said, "Let's get me all knocked up."