Note: I do not own Victorious, If this doesn't blow then ill keep adding chapters faster.
Why is this so hard? I've never had issues telling people exactly how I feel about them, and I have certainly never had trouble hurting people's feelings. This time it was different though, this was Beck, the boy I've been with for what seems like forever.
Trust me when I say forever.
I love him though, of course I love him, but I know I'm not in love with him. He deserves to know the truth, right?
How am I going to tell him? Should I just be blunt as hell as I normally would or should I actually attempt to be sensitive to his feelings? God, this shouldn't be so hard, not for me. This is the kind of stuff whiny teenagers worry about.
To be fair though, I do care about Beck even if I no longer want to be with him. So maybe I should actually try to not be a total bitch to him.
So that's that, I'll try to be sensitive but I have to be honest with him. Even if it hurts him. I don't know why it has taken me so long to realize that I don't want this relationship anymore, I don't know how he didn't realize it either, I can tell he isn't as happy with me as he lets on. Although, maybe he did realize it, maybe he has been wanting to break up too, that could be wishful thinking though, that would be too easy. Ill call him up and ask him to meet me, I've been putting this off for too long.
(ring...ring...)
"Hey whats up?"
"Hi Beck.. it's Jade"
"Um, yeah I know. It says it on my phone."
"Right, listen I need to talk to you. Meet me at the park near your house in twenty minutes"
"Uh, I guess? What is this about?"
"I'd rather discuss it once I see you"
"Okay, I'll see you there"
(click)
Part of me can't believe I'm about to break up with him but another part of me feels like it's so natural to not want to be with him anymore. To be honest I don't know whats wrong with me, I just can't kiss him and feel what I think I'm supposed to be feeling. He tries to be more intimate with me and I cringe at the thought of having sex with him, I refuse to force myself to do it. It's not that he isn't good looking because he is, there's just some imaginary wall in my head that I can't get past with him. He says he understands that I don't want to have sex or get too intimate, but the problem is that I don't understand.
Oh shit, here he comes.
"Hey Jade, here I am. Now what did you want to talk about?"
"Beck, I want to break up"
Look, I know what I said, okay? I said id try to act sensitive towards him, but that is just NOT my style. So instead I just spewed out the words without even thinking about it.
"Haha, you can't be serious"
Did he just...laugh at me? Count to ten Jade.
"No really, I'm serious.."
"Why? We haven't even been fighting lately, not much at least."
"Because, I just can't see myself with you. I know this is kind of sudden but I know you can feel it. I mean I can barely stand to kiss you anymore"
"Ouch, I never thought you didn't love me. I just thought that was who you were, cold."
COLD?
"I am not fucking cold, maybe it's just you."
"Christ calm down, look what is this about, I love you Jade"
"I love you too Beck, but not in that way. I've tried."
"You've tried? What the fuck does that mean? So.. what.. is this it? Are you serious? I can't believe this."
God, I feel bad for him, I mean he has the look of a sad little dog right now, but I can't just be with him to keep him from getting hurt, right? I probably shouldn't have been so blunt but I thought he would be used to it by now
"I'm sorry Beck, I really am but it isn't fair to you or me if I stay with you."
"This is stupid, what's wrong with you? I think we can work through this"
"No, we can't. I just can't do this anymore. I'm not sure why, but I just can't. This isn't working out for either of us and I know you know what I'm talking about."
"Whatever, Jade"
I stood up as the awkward silence started and he just kind of sat there. I didn't know what else to tell him, and I could tell he had nothing else to say. I felt he understood when I told him he knew what I meant when I said it's not working out for us. I drove back home and I didn't even turn the radio on, I just wanted to hear myself think. I know he's hurt but I could tell from our relationship that he was just as complacent as I was and not really truly in love with me. He will get over this, he knows he will too. Besides I know that bitch Tori has had a huge crush on him for a while so maybe she can keep him distracted.
Don't get me wrong, I feel terrible that I hurt his feelings. I rarely feel terrible about hurting people, but I was close to Beck. As close as I could have gotten to him at least, the only other person who I am really close to is Cat.
I tried to text Beck later in the day to make sure we could keep it civil but he wasn't answering back.
Some time later I received a text back from him.
" I get what you were saying, but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt me"
I knew he would get it, I wasn't making shit up when I said our relationship wasn't what it should be. Still though, I didn't expect him to not be hurt.
Ugh, it's Monday. I hope things aren't going to be awkward with Beck. I mean, I guess I could avoid him all day but that seems like such a bad approach. Whatever, I will just act like nothing happened. That's probably what he will do anyway. Beck not being emotional and dramatic is an extremely good thing for me today.
At school I get a few stares, I can't tell if it's because everyone knows about Beck and I, or because I said something mean to one of them the past week.
"Hi Jade!" I hear the perky voice coming from Cat, as she hugs me. I don't usually let my friends hug me for no reason but I allow it from her because ..Well, I don't know why, because it's Cat okay?
"Hey Cat."
Immediately without wasting a second, she practically screams,"JADE DID YOU REALLY BREAK UP WI-". I put my hand over her mouth, my god did she really have to yell that out. I'm sure everyone knew by now anyway, but shit doesn't need to get any more awkward.
"Cat shut up, let's talk about this somewhere else." I led her into the janitor's closet. I don't feel like I have to explain myself to anyone but I make the exception for Cat, since she's my best friend.
I know what you're thinking. "Cat's your best friend? What the fuck?" but listen, shes a really sweet girl, she's easy to talk to and she listens and hangs onto my every word. I love listening to her too, even when I act like I hate hearing her stupid stories about her brother and vacations gone wrong.
"Jade" she continued, squeezing next to me in the closet and grabbing my hand "You broke up with Beck? I tried to text you all weekend when Tori told me but you didn't answer!"
"Yes Cat, I did. Sorry I didn't answer but I just didn't want to discuss it"
"Why?"
"I don't know, It just didn't feel right with him. You know?"
"No, I mean why didn't you feel like talking about it, I thought we could talk to each other about anything!"
"It just didn't seem like I should have"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Christ, nothing I just meant.. It was too soon to start talking about it, I don't know. I'm sorry okay?"
"Okay... Are you okay Jade? Aren't you sad?"
"Yeah, I'm surprisingly okay actually. Wait how did Tori know Beck and I broke up?"
"Beck told her, Tori seemed excited to tell me! She also told Trina, but Trina told everyone else"
Ha, see? Tori has a thing for Beck.
"Oh okay, well I'm glad Trina's big ass mouth told everyone so now I don't have to."
"Jade! Don't say that, that's a bad word!"
"Oh, sorry.. I meant ass as in donkey"
"That's so mean!"
Typical Cat, defending even the most annoying people. Although, I guess that's one of the things I love about her. She's kind to everyone, especially me. Even if I tease her from time to time, which I've cut back on since we've gotten closer.
"Alright Cat we better go to class now, unless you want to stay in this gross closet all day"
"I wouldn't mind as long as I was with you!"
I smiled and walked out without saying anything to her. Not that it wasn't adorable that she said that, but I don't always know how to respond to her sappy sweetness. It's not that it makes me feel uncomfortable. I love when she says shit like that, for whatever reason. I just don't really know what to say back.
Instead of sitting down next to Beck in class today I decided to just sit next to Cat. She loves sitting down next to me and letting me hear her comments anyway, even when she doesn't like mine.
Sikowitz is wearing an especially weird outfit today in class. I don't even think its an outfit, I'm pretty sure those are just pajamas. Some weird pants with different colored polka dots on them, and a big sweater with palm trees all over it.
The most hideous things I've ever seen, and I let Cat know.
"Do you think he gets his clothes from his grandmother or the 'I'm a crazy hippie' store?"
"I think his pants are nice! They're colorful and look like the colors of an ice cream shop, ice cream is so yummy!"
I know she thinks ice cream is yummy, we eat it all the time together, even when I don't feel like eating ice cream. She can't get enough of it, Cat would eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if she could.
"Alright class! I want to do an exercise today with two students!" Sikowitz yells it from across the room, as if I wouldn't hear him if he were talking in a normal speaking voice.
"Hmm, I pick...Beck...and...Tori!" he says it eagerly.
Oh this should be good.
Beck and Tori get up to the front of the class, Tori looking very pleased with herself. Beck glances at me for a second, but it's not really too awkward. Maybe I should be jealous but I'm definitely not. I find it very amusing how much Tori likes Beck. It's like a puppy looking at you while you eat dinner and you just feel terrible for it. Beck is the food and I'm the owner, shes the puppy waiting for the scraps of food to be thrown at her.
"Hmm okay, Tori.. you are a sleazy pawn shop owner and Beck, you just got ripped off by her. GO!"
Oh come on Sikowitz, this isn't the juicy performance I was hoping for.
Beck starts off the exercise by yelling at Tori about how the watch she sold him wasn't real gold or something, I could barely pay attention. I didn't want to watch this boring shit, I wanted to see some awkward sexual tension. I started looking around the room, trying to find entertainment in anything.
The only thing I could really pay attention to was Cat on my left, and the way her face lit up while watching other people perform. Her brown eyes get huge and glowy, her eyebrows arch upwards, and a dreamy smile forms. She is adorable when she gets excited. I always notice how pretty other girls are.
I especially notice how beautiful Cat is though, she has a way of hypnotizing me sometimes.
She turns around and notices me staring at her, "What?" she says.
I snap out of it and I try to come up with something. "I uh, you look nice."
God, that was so dumb I never compliment people she's going to get weirded out. I wasn't lying though, she did look nice. Cat always looks pretty in her bright colored outfits, they somehow always seem to match her bright red hair and her happy demeanor.
"Oh.. Th-Thanks!" A huge smile bursts out of her, and those glowy eyes come back.
Oh good, she didn't freak out.
My stomach flips around a little knowing I made her smile, but it doesn't change the fact I feel like an idiot that she caught me staring at her once again and I said something really cheesy to her.
I don't know why Cat does what she does to me, But I feel like that's part of who she is and that's just how she makes people feel, and not that it's something out of the norm.
I'm sure I can't be the only one that notices the little things about Cat, that listens to her ramble all the time, and gets a jolt of energy through her when Cat touches her and tells her nice things. But what if I am? Fuck Jade, get a grip I'm sure everyone gets stupid little girl crushes all the time. This doesn't make me gay, It's probably just the fact that she's my best friend and the only person I talk to about anything, rely on and trust. I do see myself looking at girls a lot, granted not as much as I look at Cat.
Fuck.. What if I am gay? Shi-
"Alright, everyone give a hand to Beck and Tori!" Says Sikowitz again in his screaming voice, interrupting my train of thought.
Oh, class is over. Thank god, if I had to drown out the sound of Tori's annoying Eastern European accent for her pawn shop character any longer, I was going to push her out the window next to the stage. Anyway, I don't think I'm a lesb-
"Are you okay?" I feel a soft poke on my arm coming from Cat.
"Y-yeah, why?"
"You have a worried face on. Is it Beck?"
"No, I guess I was just thinking."
"About Beck?"
"No Cat, not about Beck."
"About what?"
"Sikowitz's clothes, where does he buy them?"
"I've always wondered too!"
"Yeah, what a mystery. Let's go to lunch Cat."
"I love lunch!"
Cat and I walk to buy our food, she looks very pensive deciding what to get. She can never easily decide what she wants to eat.
"I think I'll get the... Macaroni!"
The guy hands her a plastic bowl with macaroni in it, and she looks pleased with her choice.
"I'll have the chicken burrito."
As far as school food goes, ours isn't a gourmet restaurant but it is a lot better than most school's menu I think.
I walk towards the lunch table we usually sit at during lunch and wonder if it's a good idea to sit there. Beck, Tori, and Andre are already there. God, this is going to be so awkward, but I have faith in Beck's maturity so maybe it won't be as bad as I'm thinking it could be.